Heading from from the party. Something happened as I entered that is probably just in my stupid and overreacting head, but since two hours later I still cannot think of much else, there is no point in staying. At home I have chemicals and safe but sharp things and the setup to exercise until I am too tired to think. I had planned to do the same by dancing but staying feels like a stone in my shoe and I need to get these words out of my head. This is me being miserable while others experience much worse, and more obvious, things. I feel shame to be this broken down about it, weak. I want to cry.

There was a shorter line if you prepaid. When it was my turn, the woman processing it asked me if I know what sort of event this was. I remember this kind of question from when I went with a partner to a gay club in London, with us being read then as a straight couple. It is how one asks someone who is a guest, not core audience, if they know not to dominate the space and crowd out that core audience. The kind of thing one asks of allies. “It’s a queer party.” I answer. She shakes her head. “No, it’s a lesbian party. I ask because it has a specific theme, it’s primarily for women who are lesbian. We need to make sure those we let in understand and respect that theme.”

I am confused, surprised, and answer “Yes. I am a woman, a transgender woman.” I don’t remember what she answers, polite but stonefaced. She lets me in. I have clearly fulfilled now that minimum requirement of knowing it is a lesbian party – the first labelled such I ever attend, in fact, and the main reason I wanted to, also. But she asked me this the way I did not notice her asking the others before me. Clearly she was not convinced doing so was unnecessary in my case. I suppose that could have been policing my sexuality, but I am a woman alone, not accompanied by men. She has no reason to think I am straight or bi, in this context.

This leaves only one option, I think as I go inside   mind reeling, heart cold. She does not see me as an obvious lesbian because she does not see me as a real woman. And this is someone who represents the organizers, and thus ultimately the guests. From just looking at me, she sees someone who to her is not a woman, though I can still go in as an ally. For the two hours I am there I will wonder with each person, are they uncomfortable with me being there, do I scare them or disrupt their safe space? How many of them are politely tolerating someone they still instinctively see as opposite to themselves? Am I doing harm by being there?

Several of my friends are there. They talk to me. I briefly try to explain but I am too shook, I cannot get it across. I try to smile. I see myself in mirrors and loathe masculine features of my face, the belly protruding further than my breasts. I try to dance, feeling like nothing around me is real, or rather, that neither my person nor my surroundings are anything I relate to. There are no narratives then and there I feel I am allowed to be part of. Part of me recognizes I might misinterpret, overreact. That part suggests I dance until I feel better, that I ride the dysphoria out, that it will fade.

I like the music, the movements. I like people around me, but I don’t think much of them. Sometimes when like this I am envious of others but not now. Now all my thoughts are on my own body, disgusted and saddened by it. In parallell with the dance-and-ride-it-out coping mechanism, another races, the part of me that responds to grief by trying to coldly problem solve. The problem here is that I am not cis passing. If I were, I would not cause reactions like that and so feel like this. What can I do? Lose more mass, muscle and fat alike. If there was 25% less of me, at least I would seem petite and then I would pass to more people. Also the features of my face. Having more surgery thus. Some risks with that, but main issue being it costs 30k-50k. In my cold void of self-loathing I feverishly wonder what labour I could sell to earn that, how many years it will take me. I’ve been down this road of thoughts before. I have no immediate solution. I can dance, at least, that burns calories. 

I stay ninety minutes on the dance floor, forcing each minute. It feels like boring, lonely work. I try to make my heart come alive. For those seconds when I imagine Inanna behind me, holding me, her weapons radiating from both our shoulders, I feel warm, but each time grows cold again. They play “Silent Shout” and for those minutes too I am alive. Otherwise, all around me is just matter without meaning, as is my body. I know eventually the dysphoria will quiet down again. Tomorrow, hopefully. Idly I wonder if drugs could help, and I look around for my friend who might have some. I don’t find them, and anyway I suspect it might just make it worse, anyway. Finally I leave, two hours after arriving, at least two hours earlier than planned. My interest in hooking up with anyone died already as I entered, so really there is nothing left except a sad cardio session and I can do that better at home. Not even craving pain right now, it’s like I can’t imagine anything feeling happy or meaningful. Writing this en route, on tram and walking. I’ll do as I planned, exercise until I am too tired to think. 

I know I am extremely privileged and lucky. I know all the kind advice my loved ones would give: “It was probably not meant like that at all.” Maybe not, who knows? But this is the only way I can react. I’ve tried to react differently for three hours now and I fail. Which is really just another flaw of mine, I suppose. Well, I continue forward, one way or another. I just need to find ways to make things happen so that I am not misread like that. Bitterly wishing I had what others were born with does not help. Working to get what I want, no matter what the cost, sacrificing whatever is needed, that will help. I continue. 

Healing goes – I think – faster than I had expected. The degree of sense of obstruction lessens and the sensation of the throat is rapidly approaching normal/neutral in most situations. This is also frightening in its own way (“what if it breaks?”). I dreamt I sang high and wide and I dreamt that I coughed hard, but so far thinking perhaps it holds.

I was speaking with people quite a lot in meetings. For auditorium contexts, having microphones solved most. I feel less tired when speaking, but I also notice when recording that when I speak without thinking, I sound more or less the way I did before when I paid attention to keep the voice not too low. This now holds also when just waking up from sleep. So I have sealed away the lowest register (which makes sense) but I am not automatically speaking much higher than how I usually did in the past. That is a little scary also.

However, I do notice I can go higher than that now, and it feels less breathless and uncomfortable to. So what I suspect I must do is to finally engage with voice training regularly, which I can now do easier; it feels less psychologically impossible to perform the training, and less physically difficult to use a higher register. Noting also a hardness to my voice unless I harmonize explicitly.

Thus all in all, basic feeling is, I will still need voice training (as planned), but I approach it from a perspective where it is going to be less difficult and more applicable. The feeling of _how_ I generate a certain voice is same as before and requires same action. The difference may be whether or not I can easily train and habitualize, mostly because the obstacle/challenge in generating a good outcome has moved to “running out of strength” rather than “running out of breath” and for a string of other partially-felt reasonings. Like with any other medical transition step, how we train to reshape ourselves synergize with how medicine reshapes us to make that easier.

More to come. Tiredness encroaching.

My partner wrote that to some extent, voice surgery gave her something like what she could have gained theoretically from voice training, but was unable to gain in practice, by making it impossible to speak without using the techniques offered through voice training. I think I am seeing how that works now, it matches my experience. Also this forces me to train in a way I otherwise would fail to.

Other interesting lesson from the voice training session I had – how to breathe in fully, using diaphragm, not pulling up shoulders or pulling in belly. So in a way, I also need to learn better posture now. There will be some challenges in carrying this out, but just like I could to thrice daily dilation when that was a bodily need, so I can do this now when it similarly is one.

I wrote a lot on all channels leading up to my vaginoplasty, and a lot on its recovery, and some on the revision surgery too. Enough that I branched out to a second twitter account so as not to impose my genitals on all the Internet without consent. But I have been largely quiet on the second gender confirming surgery I had now in 2021, the glottoplasty. This is a conspicuous absence, and I think it largely reflects how the vaginoplasty changed me, made me less anxious, more confident, and more prone to action than regurgitated reflection. Still this is important to document, also because others may be interested in this experience. So I’ll summarize here.

After the revision vaginoplasty (vulvaplasty, really, just adjusted the labial definition a little), I looked into myself and found no hesitancy any more. I hadn’t learned anything new about the glottoplasty or its risks, but I had learned more about myself, including that if I think I want something, I can decide I am certain enough and then do whatever I need to have it. Some experiences of misgendering and the ubiquituous Zooms making me hear my own voice in meetings made the point clear, if I could rid my voice of gravel, or even have a chance to, then of course I would take it. Last straw was listening to myself on a podcast and hating every second of it. If I knew I would eventually, then no reason to wait. So I researched a bit, concluded easiest was to go to the well-renowned surgeon in my country of residence rather than go abroad in a pandemic, and went to consult. Being able to have the procedure done during the mad times of COVID also reduces FOMO during recovery, so there was that too.

I went to the clinic to ask my questions, and was impressed overall. While different providers do things a little differently it was clear I wanted glottoplasty as first line treatment; no point in trying the far more invasive alternatives if this would work as well as it had for my partner. Thus the decision of where to go simplified further – more a matter of how well they do the same technique than radically different such. Outcome varies widely on recordings, but from the discussion it seemed clear that the main challenge was to ensure the shortening would hold – the basic technique is, open up skin on the vocal folds (vocal cords, in lay terms) and stitch them together so they heal forming a smaller opening, thus providing a shorter wavelength of resonant sound. This surgeon uses permanent stitches. I was assured that if they break, they can be made again. Additionally hyaluron fillers are injected to take pressure off the cords as they heal, and the same outcome further provided by botox injections into the musculature.

I was told that one determinant of good outcome is symmetrical vocal fold; mine were. Unfortunately, I also have a throat configuration where the tongue bone (?) made it questionable if it would be possible to position the laryngoscope deep enough to place the stitches, simply for reasons of access. Still I knew without a doubt, I would need to try. All in all, the procedure is ca 6k EUR. I scheduled, then had to reschedule to me a really good science queer and help my collaborators shine together at a meeting with a science funding body. Something within me broke with that rescheduling, but I am fine being broken and I am still alive. A cancellation opened up on a week’s notice and I knew I had to.

The surgery is outpatient, but with full anaesthesia, so I was asked to stay around with a companion to watch over me for 24h. There is a nice affordable hotel just on the hospital campus, and the clinic itself is welcoming, clean and calming. The staff largely spoke English, and made a point consistently to talk of those they perform the surgery on always just as “women”, rather than “patients” or any less savory term. It felt like conscious affirmation and was appreciated. I was asked to come the day before to sign consent forms, assess anaesthesia safety and so on; there were some issues where I needed a negative MRSA and COVID test both which took time, but all in all no problem not overcome. No eating or drinking for six hours before surgery.

I said I was unfazed, but this is not really true. Because like with all other surgeries, I could not sleep the night before, simply because my body showed signs of anxiety, even if my emotions to that end were all remote and inaccessible. I felt affectively neutral. Still it was clear from an outside view I was in a state of some sort of transitory crisis, just as for other surgeries. I am quite sure this is because the results matter so much, rather than get my hopes up and be disappointed, I just felt nothing consciously. I was still a nervous wreck the days before, which I filled with work and dating, establishing what appears to be two new romantic relationships in the process. One of them accompanied me and I made the somewhat surprising discovery I can be socially and sexually submissive to someone with the right body and mind and attitude, and this did help with the being an anxious mess part – being able to surrender control of what happened in all non-surgery regards helped me stay at least superficially calm.

In the morning I took my piercings out, went to the surgery center, and was sedated. Unlike the clinic, the affiliated surgery center was far less pleasant with staff that were less straightforward to communicate with. That was a short period of time only however. Memories of the time just around the surgery are beginning to fade, but it was like with SRS; IV in hand, feeling of cold, fading out. I believe once more I chanted prayers in thanks and sanctification to Inanna as my last thoughts. As with my other transition surgeries, I give myself in sacrifice to Her, and so all that follows, good or bad, are dedicated to Her virtues.

I had asked to be told when waking whether they could place the stitches, but none understood the question or even knew during wakeup. I had some throat pain, largely to one side. Was given my phone, then eventually could rise and walk with my companion over campus to the voice clinic again, where again an endoscope probe was sent down my nose after a short spray of anaesthesia, and I was shown the view of my new vocal folds. It dawns on me that so far all my transition surgeries have been about giving me womanly folds my karyotype denied me. Through skill and trickery, the surgeon had been able to place the stitches and it already looked surprisingly whole. My main fear resolved, I relaxed some.

I spent the day slowly waking up and sending emails from the bed in the hotel. The challenge during those first days were largely to ensure I did nothing to tear the healing edges apart. While pain faded quickly to mild cold levels in a matter of hours, the buildup of mucus was a major issue. I drank a lot of water and practiced the techniques for clearing the throat safely. The usual way is a major danger, as is sneezing, coughing, speaking or laughing. If any happens, I should hold mouth and nose shut; breathing in and out helped some to prevent sneezing. In the early hours, I felt a need to control my posture completely, since shifting position sometimes caused mucus to shift and risk involuntary coughing to clear it. Thus my newfound sexual submissiveness from the days before quickly submerged in favor of a pragmatic need for perfect self control; my companion was a gentleperson about it and also gave me some needed space to slowly come back to wakefulness and a sense of self after the operation. They still ensured I ate something and cared for me with a remarkable and most appreciated patience, kindness and firmness, and I felt like a safely held prickly but satisfied tsundere. We went out for dinner and walking outside – with a mask – really was good also.

Many asked me how I was able to go without speaking, but the truth was, using laptop or phone text editors, I could just type and show people what I had written, and conversation flowed more or less as usual. I suppose it helps I spent months alone during the pandemic and am an ambivert with a largely online social life. The next day, pain had subsided even more. I had already several times broken the restrictions – coughed or sneezed or laughed a little, by mistake – so of course I was afraid. But endoscopy showed healing according to plan, and we made our way back to my home town by train, life already back to something like normal. The next days challenges largely concerned the same issues – avoiding anything that hurts the stitches. I was given a sign to show saying I could not speak, with a back side saying “Thank you!”, very useful. I took it a little calmer than usual but were quickly working and the week after was seeing people again, including going on a couple hot dates (main issue not speaking was actually during sex, as I had no way of signalling “yes, that is good, please do that more”), and I joined a few videoconferences contributing by chat only, as well as an outdoor party at my institute, breaking the no-alcohol rule.

The latter gave me a cold for a few days, which was an issue because though it was not coughing cold, it meant wet and watery nose mucus running down the throat. I stayed inside and rested and took antihistamins and nose spray, and it faded luckily within a day (though did mean I missed out on a potential hot date with yet another person). All in all, feelings of normalcy came quickly, and it became relatively easier to observe the restrictions, though also harder to avoid some by mistake. Turns out I talk to myself more than I thought I did, for example. Some things began to feel safe just by becoming easier to do carefully. The freedom from talking has felt quite relaxing, in part by creating a mythos around it of being a mermaid transfigured. I set out to forget my old voice, and it might be that I will, and more easily for this fallow period in between. Only challenge in communication has been walking with people because I’d need to stop sometimes to type on the phone when I held their hand with the other as we walked.

Anxiety was still high but calm during waiting, because given no nerves in the vocal folds, there was no way to tell if stitches remained intact after each challenge. So I kept as busy as I could, and then now again traveled to the city of the surgery. They checked me with the endoscope, and sent me also this video so I have it, and it reveals that healing remains intact still, with epithelium now having overgrown the stitches as it should. Then began the voice training sessions. I will have ten appointments with them over Skype, and train myself in between, and now, unlike in the past, I think I can actually make the exercises happen regularly, just as I could dilation, once something in my body made it necessary. To start out what I will do is the same as laxvox, breathing out tonally through a tube that goes underwater, to safely practice vocal fold vibration, thrice daily, five minutes; single tone and rise-and-fall pattern.

More relevant, I can try to speak normally in day to day settings, though I should not overexert either in terms of high or low or loud voice or for too long. I should check for situations where I feel I need to strain to make sound, and then rest instead. As otherwise, having become pain tolerant to the point of literal masochism means I can no longer use pain or discomfort as a guide to what is safe or not. But I can try to communicate normally. I was asked what my first word would be. I chose “Inanna” and vibrated her name tonally as the first I spoke. Purring and growling still works, and are safe. Whispering is safe, and sounds like before. But spoken voice, while still weak and hoarse, sounds different. It will change a lot in the months to come, but already hearing it differently makes me incredibly happy. No matter what is to come, my expectations have been exceeded. More to come.

META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.

TW/TMI/TLDR: Fucked Around And Found Out // Actual sex with another person, details – do not read if not comfortable learning of. Due to combination of 1) needing to find out how well what surgery gave me works in practice before revision and 2) honestly beginning to feel libido making a modest enough comeback, and be so undilutedly pleasant now that I don’t want to ignore it any longer I went on dating apps. One communication now resulted in meeting up with a nice nerdy boy (who, as it turns out, isn’t actually straight at all, but since he swiped me thinking I was a cis woman, this fact does not bother me as it would had he known about it). We talked over a few days and it gave me butterflies and it seems we have enough in common to be actual good friends, plus seeming to be actually provisionally mutually attracted, based on each others’ photos. Today we met, went for a nice walk, had food, wine conversation, cuddles and sex. It is the first time I am interested this way in a man, the first time I go this far sexually with a man, the first time I feel open to the possibility of it continuing in some form with a man, and the first time I have sex with another person since surgery, and the first time I feel like I could be unreservedly present as my body during such intimacy. Aside from confirming experimentally that I definitely am bisexual, I learned a lot about how I now function, but perhaps more importantly it all just felt really, really, really good and I carry that with me still and I feel alive and I feel manifest and present. In terms of ritual, aside from work meetings with various steering committees, I spent the afternoon burning incense in my recently cleaned apartment (another first since surgery) to cleanse it further and just before we met up, I read “The Courtship of Dumuzi and Inanna”. Where “The Huluppu Tree” gave me ritual context for the surgery that let me be this body, “The Courtship…” now gave me ritual context for awakening it. I am virgin no longer. Maiden still, when I desire, but I claim the next stage of embodiment and participation in the world, in the image of Inanna. Maybe I am becoming arrogant, maybe even annoying. But I choose my myth and I choose to live it. In any case, it was wonderful. I felt present, participating as an equal, listening to, reacted to, but also positioned, handled, stimulated. Having his tongue on my sex felt better than I had imagined, and next time I will make him continue that until I cross over. As it was, felt already like an altered state. His fingers inside me were a mixed sensation as I am still very tender there, but far more pleasure than anything else. I liked his genitals too, which surprised me, I enjoyed touching and tasting him there, even deciding to let him climax in my mouth and taste his seed; it was far more pleasant a taste than I remember from some distant past of self-experimentation. That decision was not taken wholly lightly as it always comes with some risk. To be honest I believe him when he say he was recently tested, but I didn’t make the decision based on that belief (which can always be false) but rather due to being on PrEP. Going forward, I will continue to make those decisions on a case by case basis I think. And we also both COVID tested negative before, but this likewise would not be enough, I would not do this were it not for having so far one of the vaccine shots, with the next coming soon. It was, in any case, the least neurotic and least anxious such experience I can remember ever having. In some sense, I claim the agency to make such calls and decisions with open eyes. In terms of most relevant data collection, I also requested and received him penetrating me, this with barrier protection. It was not entirely trivial; finding the right angle took time, maneuvring him with fingers and I don’t think we got it fully right yet; I don’t think we reached even my modest depth this time, and it too had some mixture of greater amount of pleasure together with lesser amount of pain. But it felt better and better the more we did it, and as I anticipate being more with him in the future, I think we will learn ways of angling and aiming and preparing me such that I will reach those depths also. And regardless, this already felt incredibly good and fulfilling. In the end, after what I guess might be about 2-3h, I crossed over also with the help of my vibrator, while the nerdy boy held me, and we relaxed together until he had to leave to go feed his cat. I stayed, took a shower, and now wrote this, still feeling happy and serene and empowered somehow, despite learning bad news from out in the world. Feeling so intensely for some time, and knowing that I can, helped and stayed with me. He told me, and I believe him, that he could tell no difference between my parts and those of cis girls he has been with, and I feel absolutely affirmed in choosing the surgeon I did. I had worried I would smell or taste bad, but he assured me I was very neutral in that sense, and again I believe this. In terms of body image, embodiment, various symbols and emotions and ways of relating to myself and the world, while on one hand mating like this might seem banal, trivial, I sincerely feel like the experience let me take important steps in evolving my self-perception and therefore my way of being in the world, and it absolutely will affect my going forward, not least that I intend to see him again and have more nice walking and conversation and food and cuddling and sex, whether that ends up acquiring any label or not. Mostly I still feel high from the experience of being at peace within a dynamic situation of bodies interacting without any inhibitions whatsoever, of staying perfectly in the moment for hours at an end. I welcome summer. I praise Goddess on this path of embodiment.

(bonus 1) The experience also makes me eager to be with a vulva-endowed lover again, as I think that too will be similarly empowering while also feeling much better than it ever has in the past, for several reasons primarily including feeling more secure.

(bonus 2) Fascinatingly, my past experiences were useful in that I could be guided from them by just switching which person would be me and which my lover. Concrete experiences, regarding logistics and flow of events and how to move and what to do, were largely applicable.

Applied a vaginal pH gel without looking and now somehow not sure if I put the applicator where it should or if I somehow got it into the urethra instead. Weird. Hopefully not going to cause trouble if so?

Feeling like my life is charmed, then realizing I did give both pleasure and pain to Inanna as sacrifice, so they are now sanctified to Her. Running in the warm, nice night with Sovietwave remixes in my headphones, seeing the golden angel statue of victory, I felt Her touch on my life, in steering it in Her image. A strongly spiritual slow journey home. Had what must be called a de facto second date, the first day of sundresses and sandals. It was good. While cut short a little in that nerd boy needed to handle some drama with his nesting partner (upon which I offered to give him space, and he thankfully accepted), that took place already after we had spent enough time naked and touching that I already was beginning to feel myself coming down again, so it was really not a bad time and so further contributed to that feeling of Inanna being with me. Still navigating and working out what feels safe enough to do (and right now, that seems to be, keep PIV with condoms only but all else relaxed – curious where other women draw their lines). This time he did not go inside me that way or with fingers, but we rubbed against each other and I learned more and exciting ways to take him in my mouth, which it surprises me I am so enthusiastic about, I had not thought it could be so pleasant to do. More relevant still by way of learning, I climaxed (not the strongest I have had but not weakest either) for the first time without a mains-powered vibrator, while straddling his head and rubbing against him licking me. Once the elusive right state was reached that was fast and again without any painful oversensitivity afterwards, no need from my end to halt or even slow play, and I probably could have reached there again if we had continued for another couple hours. I had worried maybe only literal power tools could let me, but really it seems to be a matter of finding just the exact right approach in the specific situation. Worries over hurting are fading more and more. So again, sense of charmed life. In terms of what I am now able to experience and be present in with regards to lust and pleasure, I really do feel sanctified, reborn. I was never able to feel and act quite like this, either in terms of being at peace while losing myself in motion and touch, or in terms of actual responses. I give praise to Inanna for being blessed to have the chance to live this, be this, feel this. I feel alive and the future excites me. Praised through word and deed be the Queen of Heaven and Earth!

A little embarrassed over how much I find muscles on others to be a turn-on. Am I so shallow? I guess. *shrug*

First heavier exercise post-op and first time wearing tights that actually fit tight also between the legs. Incredible sense of my moving body having shape and boundaries. So I need more exercise and I need more well-fitting tights. Will probably end up wearing them casually.

I feel usually afraid to claim cyclicity because I fear being challenged and shot down or told I appropriate it, or of just being wishfully thinkingly wrong. But I can’t recall these odd periods of being affected like this before transition, and I can’t really explain them well otherwise. Though I also don’t know if they really follow a regular cycle. Time will tell. But mostly, frustrated right now over how much a mess I feel. Weeping over sentimental shit, binging comfort food and feeling how I can’t even but at the same time I have to finish this tonight, but it’s so hard to concentrate or to force focus. Ugh. Even more reason to start a PMDD research project though. If we can understand it in cis women, we can see if any of the mechanisms operate in trans women too.

Went running wearing properly fitting tights for first time and it’s probably hard for anyone not having experienced the difference to know how great this feels. Lacking better words, I sense for the first time clearly that my legs go all the way up. So happy this was possible.

I have the second step of the surgery in three weeks, and while I look forward to resting for a few days, and for the work to be completed, I feel surprisingly serene to the point of unconcerned about it, compared to how much of a feverish mess I was before the first operation. A lot of factors play a role in this, not least, I think, that the entire journey has changed me fundamentally in a lot of ways, that by and large I cherish and welcome and am thankful for. A little nervous about yet another full sedation, but after verifying surgeon will, as he put it, “leave intact everything which functions well”, I am less nervous about the procedure itself or the recovery. Maybe this is what it is like when one is pregnant with one’s second child.

Sex feels transformative now. I learn new ways I can experience pleasure each time and tonight it finally felt like I could let go and not think but just do and feel. I don’t remember ever feeling that to anywhere near this degree. Or feeling like my whole body is active and taking part. Apparently I do get stretched after a while and then a well-endowed gentleman can go deeper and I have no words for the combination of feelings evoked. Receiving head feels unbelievably good and I climaxed from 30sec of touching myself with fingers after he pulled out to come on top of me. Nothing in my experiences through two decades of being sexually active prepared me for this. I can only say that being free from genital dysphoria is a truly major and foundational thing. Whatever happens, this is so healing. I literally feel too good and relaxed now to force myself to be effective with anything useful. I might just do something restful and fun. THIS IS SO WEIRD but it is not a bad thing or state. I guess there must be emotions involved somehow? I felt tears almost coming for a while as he was inside me, and if we had continued that part longer, I might have wept fully. In cathartic rather than sad sense. I saw just that in others but never got this close to it myself before. I have no words for this. I am just happy and relaxed right now.

On train, coffee in veins, processing last night. His girth left me a bit sore today and I take secondary pleasure in that. Beginning to realize why all this moves me so much. We have (usually) instincts around sex, that is why our societies are organized around it so strongly. And _good_ sex causes always _some_ form of emotions beyond a superficial level. Before now, I never had that with men. As such, on some level I may have considered intimacy with them a replacement for intimacy with other women, a novelty or transgression something incomplete. But here I have sensually and emotionally no real reservations, and it is dawning on me that if I were to take my androphilia as seriously as my gynophilia at the highest level, my heart and body might not put up the reservations I thought as we remain somehow deeply different to the weird heuristics of my social cortex, while compatible – I don’t understand men any better just because I want their company and attention and anatomy. I remain bi and polyamorous. But I don’t feel I can treat my relationships (loosely defined) with men as any less serious than those with women? And as I write this I realize this is what invoking the second of Inanna’s initiation rituals have meant. “The Courtship of Inanna and Dumuzi” means exactly this for a woman, that Dumuzi in his way is as important, or almost (were it not for his treachery), as Ninshubur. This is what the magic I invoked has wrought in me. Praise be Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth!

For a multitude of reasons, experiencing a baseline salience of sexuality and activation that is almost distracting. I am enjoying that, however.

Had a great language learning experience keeping the whole “let’s go to my place and have sex” part of the date in German. My skills are limited but sufficed for that and it feels empowering. Even more so, however, was the entirely unexpected experience of actually coming during vaginal penetrative intercourse. Some effort required stretching me out (still largely through initial phase feeling uncomfortable and keeping a hand between us so he would not get too deep) but eventually as I was riding him I felt a slow, inevitable buildup to climax and I DID NOT BELIEVE THAT WOULD BE EVEN POSSIBLE OMG. But it was and I kept laughing and kissing his sweaty forehead and continuing to ride him until he pulled out to come on my chest… I think. Not quite sure where it went. But feeling very, very satisfied, and happy, and confused, and relaxed, as I linger here after he left. Incredible. This life was possible somehow. And we even sort of talked about some semi-relevant stuff. Huh.

(Six hours later, my boat of heaven feeling something much like muscles sore and stiff from a workout and… the soreness itself is pleasant and I feel a desire to be penetrated again, sooner rather than later? I am seriously coming to crave this kind of thing, huh. Interesting.)

So I took a picture of my surprisingly blonde south on request from a girl considering my surgeon, just a snapshot in the moment without much care, and liked it so much I put it up in my fetlife gallery. Truly an unfolding of personality like a (thot?) origami flower, here.

(The idea of having nude pictures of myself on the internet even in remote and protected communities has, so to say, not always felt very comfortable to me. 😀 )

Since little over a day, painful sensation as of guts distended with solids, but where this largely is not the case. Unless higher up, slight constipation maybe. Nothing in diet to explain. Distressing but not intolerable. Combined with slight chills, nausea, headache though each minor. Gut aspect made sleep harder. Anyone familiar with these symptoms?

Watching my sexuality unfold and evolve is sometimes even a little scary because I find that as it feels so good, I am beginning to act more out of desire and less on grounds of careful risk assessment. Those who have observed me long may recognize this as quite a major change. (It is remarkable how transformative this is. As in, really quite wild. Lots of weird evolution other teenagers underwent begins to make sense where it did not before. Had not quite expected that. How deep does this rabbit hole go?)

My confidence has increased.

Going in and under within the next 72h. I guess I AM nervous. I just have not felt that at all consciously. It’s just there like a vague background jumpiness, like I know there is a storm cloud somewhere. The heart is what it is. I cherish this life I was blessed with.

Bringing two tarot decks and one 3D printed altar tablet to the hospital.

Maybe cringe but I listened to this song a thousand times while I waited, and then last time en route to clinic, and now revisiting once more, winter-to-summer: https://t.co/JcdKcXW2c6 “We’ve come a long way since that day // And we will never look back at the faded silhouette”

The wind is my friend. En route to Eridu. https://t.co/FwyvXlIrE2

… and today is summer solstice, also.

On plus side: getting a single room again. On minus side: bowel cleanse, so today no food, just fluids, and I am hungry already. ^_^

Settling in. https://t.co/d3qETgKL2O

Customizing my sick bay step by step. Prior experience helps. Listening to the playlist from last time: https://t.co/4LrD7yLaP6

I met with the surgeon and he inspected me. Quick flow of decisions on what to do. I conclude that the depth is sufficient, it is clear I can have penetrative sex at least to some degree and I don’t feel increasing depth further is worth the risk of more severe recovery at this point. I also don’t feel the need to change anything with clitoris or urethra. They work, they are me. There are quirks to my shape and form but those don’t make me dysphoric, they’re just what I look like. So that too is fine. That leaves changes to the labia which the surgeon suggests, basically reducing the excess outer labial skin left for now, and structuring the way in which the inner labia frame my vagina somewhat further. This will happen tomorrow. Fascinating. I guess I am a little nervous?

Main stressor now is from the ban on fluid, food and caffeine, so my system ran on empty all night and it makes for headache and nausea. But then sedation will be all the sweeter. Soon should go in and under. Glorious Inanna, all this is yours in sacrifice.

Recovery begins well, these adjustments were major, although the fresh blood on the padding is scary I have had worse and I trust this flow of things. No catheter, but that makes it a little concerning that as yet I fail to pee despite feeling substantial pressure. I think the pressure may not be “bladder full” but “bladder really sensitive”, while the urethra, though untouched, is swollen in solidarity with the sutures near it. I hope I am doing the right thing by just continuing to drink water. Nurse indicated this was the case.

Catheter in almost as emergency. Did not hurt to have inserted once I relaxed. 1100ml into bag within a minute… hopefully can be rid of it again tomorrow. I think surrounding swelling is issue really. Asked for NSAIDs, might help. I cope and continue.

Catheter out, urination capacity demonstrated. Not without some hint of stinging from the sutures but win some, lose some. 😀

Premature to celebrate because despite catheter out and some urination success, it remained elusive during rest of morning and they had to manually drain my bladder now during inspection. Hopefully will get better during afternoon. I bet it is largely psychological and an inability to relax somehow. Well, cleaning now involved more speculum work and I whined and moaned more than usual, feeling a little ashamed for being so squeamish. Though I feel with the large metal speculum I can feel a painful edge, making me fear it will hurt me while inside. And somewhat painful now after, though surely they would know to avoid doing serious damage. Apparently there is a compress in my vagina, which I suppose is good, removes need for right now to dilate. Goal for rest of afternoon, gain and regain and keep urethral control. And speculating re: specula. I think only one woman surgeon worked with me, but I recall still how she was far more careful, resulting in less pain, than any of the men. Makes me wonder if one needs to have had a speculum inserted before one has the visceral empathy needed to not be so rough with it. Anyone else share this experience?

META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.

It seems I am able to do my usual slow, silly jogging just as I could pre-op! Time to start doing that again as often as possible. Taking recommendations for other forms of exercise I can do; I aim to become fitter and slimmer while the pandemic lasts basically. (Also seeking recommendations: to use some form of moisturizer for outer labia/posterior commissure, or not?)

Wanting deeply right now to wake up next to someone.

Running (slowly, because I am in poor shape) these last few days has felt amazing, and also provides interesting input from my body. My legs can move however they will without obstacles! And also sensing, still even without placeholder, some degree of swelling or perhaps tension, probably from urethral tissue in vestibule region. I think. Or it just feels that way? The next months will show. It is not uncomfortable and does not feel dysphoric, so either it will change or it will not, and I look forward to learn. Going without pads seems to work, though I find dried discharge in my underwear, not a lot but gradually during the day. Whitish to pink. No idea what fraction is salve and lubricant slowly leaving me post-dilation, and what fraction comes from the upper part of my vagina which is mucosal rather than dermal. It is the same here – it might reduce as I heal, or might not; it is not so much as to be a problem for me either way. I rather hope as much is my own fluids as possible, as that would help me develop a good microbiota and to stay clean.

Got back first blood test results post-op. E2 263 pg/ml (~4h after gel dosage, possibly confounded/elevated by gel placement location), in decent range thus but I really am curious on what spending some time in pregnancy ranges would do for me (in particular, could it conceivably jump-start breast development I have seen in some who gave birth?). Progesterone and testosterone are both undetectable. Will increase my dose of the former. No sign of anemia, which we speculated on as reason for my tiredness lately.

After sleeping long enough it was near 16h after last dilation, and that did mean that there was some slight red discharge on the Kirk dilator. Suspecting it as beginning granuloma punctured again. But not actively bleeding as the subsequent rounds with Bones and Spock dilators did not exhibit this but were clear. Looking forward to gyno appointment Friday, but noting still I should not wait longer than at most 12h between dilations. The next four months should clear that though.

Tried my indoor cycle for first time post-op while listening to a presentation by an idol of mine. It worked overall without incident. Pink discharge phenomenon remaining, but will ask gyno about that on Friday. I assume it is just part of the long slow tail-end of healing.

Gyno visit: I can stop douching. He recommends dilating minimal time with Kirk and Bones, then at least 20min with Spock. That is, to use the smaller ones here only to prepare. I can cease use of the salves when they run out and dilate only with lubricant and panthenol. However, deep end still bleeds on touch. This presumably is what has discharge pinkish. He applied silver nitrate again and I should not dilate again before tomorrow. Did not ask re: exercise but probably should also wait with that until then. If needed we apply AgNO3 again in four weeks and so on until healed. He says it will eventually resolve and I am sure it will. Hoping this now will do it. Worried a little I may close some until tomorrow from missed dilations but honestly I doubt it will cause any permanent loss. It is not like it did last time. I will be fine, I will heal. Otherwise, noting there is only one sitting position that still feels a little uncomfortable, and I can’t tell why really. It should fade. And finally, where left inner lip attaches to vaginal floor there is something like scar tissue, which stings lightly when stretched and is main thing slowing down just taking in a large dilator directly. Candidate for edits in second operation, perhaps. Unless the collagenase may soften it. Not a very large problem, after a while I do not sense it so carefully started PIV should be no problem. Thinking now re: exercise today. Surely my slow jog causes no consternation for the deep vagina? The AgNO3 should have cauterized so wish is to ensure no tearing up what it closed. Unless I dilate there should be no such tearing, staying still to allow initial healing should not be needed? I guess I will see. I really do want to exercise today also. But maybe I should be as careful as I can. Hmmmm.

Gradually acknowledging to myself I have or have had long-standing crushes on several longtime male friends. It’s there in my past behaviour and choices, but in a confused way as I also couldn’t seriously engage with romance or intimacy where I would be read by others as male. Interesting but a little unnerving dark red chunky discharge after the AgNO3 treatment. Might be a good sign though, perhaps it really means the granuloma now finally was burnt off and is shedding.

Hmmm. Dilating again after 24h it took a little longer again to reach depth AND there was some deep bleeding. This has me quite concerned because I fear that to gain the benefit of the damn AgNO3 treatment, I must somehow perhaps avoid tearing the end until it healed but I am also deeply worried that if I slack off on depth, I will lose depth, and the way it feels now, I halfway feel I might still be deep enough for all intents and (PIV) purposes as I currently am, so I really don’t want to risk that unnecessarily. If I still bleed on the next gyno visit, at which point we will AgNO3 again, I must ask if I should avoid going so deep during the subsequent few dilations thereafter, in case that is what is expected. That’s four weeks out though. Part of me worries over how long this healing takes, from a perspective of, is there some risk that the slow progress makes it go worse, or become permanent somehow? But I suppose not. The fact that it bleeds means my body is still trying to seal the deep vagina, and one way or the other, this will eventually resolve. It’s not as though the process detracts from anything I am currently doing, and I don’t think there are biological mechanisms for making wounds permanent or for local healing capacity to drop. I will be fine eventually.

I… might have taken some risque pictures and uploaded to my FetLife profile. Now to Be Serious instead and continue editing that grant application.

Surgeon says to resume douching and to dilate to depth normally, so I will just do that and have patience.

Delayed longer than I should have before dilating this morning, so a little bit more bleeding, and some slight hurting. Probably no cause for concern, I healed so much already. But does drive home, perhaps I should try to still do it thrice daily, maybe that will help.

Apparently there is a fairly good voice feminization surgeon in Hamburg. I need to look up more what results are achieved. But I learned more of it already. It would cost ~6k EUR, no other hurdles. By fall, I will have had my SRS followup and healed from that and should be COVID vaccinated if the pandemic still rages, and I should have built up funds again. Realizing that is a real possibility, when I look within me, I sense an eagerness to at least try it, braving the risk. Looking at myself so far, I think this is an indication that I in fact am going to do that. Like with other transition decisions, I will take some time to confirm to myself, and give myself the evidence that justifies the decision, but I think my heart has already decided. The hope of having a higher-pitched voice which would jar my own ears less, I think that is going to turn out to be something I need deeply enough that I will take the risk of harming my voice. I will research, but I see this within myself.

Restarting biweekly progesterone regime, I suspect it might be impacting how my vagina smells? Within variability range of others I have known, but distinct, new in the two days since. Wild if so. Is periodic fluctuation of how one smells a thing for AFAB people? Also I now think I need to get back on 3/day dilation routines, ensuring no more than 8-9h elapse between times. Maybe that will help let the deep part heal. This assuming that the issues is that 12-13h is enough that contraction is such that subsequent stretching ends up tearing the deepest part, so more frequent stretching might prevent that and thereby let the healing process proceed better. Cumbersome but I have to try it at least, so I will make myself do that. I do what I must because I can!

It really does seem like the common predictor of bleeding while dilating is, specifically, time since last dilation. 8 and even 10 hours works without bleeding. 12-14 does not really. So I must go back to 2/day until this is resolved. Very well. I will schedule around it.

Keeping dilations no less frequent than 10-11h at most seems to stop me from bleeding, and hopefully will mean healing concludes. Meanwhile, a hairy issue arises. I have some hairs by the bottom edge of the vulva which now grew long enough that it is a little uncomfortable when they are pulled in by the dilator. I sort of want to remove them, but I don’t really want to shave so close to the mucosal surface, and I am irrationally worried that tweezing them at this stage could somehow hurt the healing. It also raises the question of what to do with pubic hair in the first place. In the before times I sometimes shaved, waxed or home epilated mechanically, out of a sense of comfort, then electroepilated some when I still prepared for Thai variant surgery, then left it alone for a year or more to give the skin time to strengthen before my actual surgery. But what do I want now, and how do I achieve whatever that is? Trimming perhaps, or trimming + home laser to remove hair from upper thighs or close to the belly. But not sure what I will eventually want. Currently I sort of like my hair there, as a novelty, the “starter set” as it were? So scissoring hairs too long, and just trimming bikini line. And probably I should stay careful at least until the second procedure. But what thereafter? When will it be safe to wax, for example? Feeling self-conscious asking my surgeon but of course I should not be. Maybe that is what I will end up concluding. Just fascinated that it now makes a difference in dilating! Not just an aesthetic thing. Curious.

11 hours between dilations. Almost too much, traces of blood. Challenging, as it becomes a trade-off between sleep and healing. Healing must win out, of course.

More data needed for statistical significance, but now 1-2 days into off-progesterone phase, the distinct smell I noted vaginally after starting last 2-week phase again has faded down and reduced. I am tentatively concluding that I have vaginal microbiota which fluctuates substantially with my sex hormone levels. That is, if so, super cool. A little icky but super cool nonetheless. I am glad to be this body. ♡

This actually affects my emotions more positively than I expected, because I realize I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable during the past two weeks as the smell on progesterone, while similar to what I remember from one AFAB lover in my past, isn’t really pleasant to me whereas off progesterone I have no issues with my smell. I guess I was worried it was unavoidable and concerned with how it would come across to the people who might get to smell and taste me there in the future. Knowing it shifts relative to factors other than stage of healing is reassuring and somehow that affects my feelings about everything else as well. I guess this is the kind of things that teenagers do spend time being emotional about, especially ones not alienated from their bodies by default.

So today I had a gyno appointment early enough that I wasn’t able to sleep enough. My brain is basically fried but it will be OK, I will catch up tomorrow. The appointment itself was fine. Another silver nitrate treatment, and no dilation until tomorrow morning, but apparently my deep vagina is better healed and looking up. I am not sure I go fully 12cm as the markers on the dilators can move as the condom cover stretches, so perhaps I have even lost a little while healing, but I think this is still enough depth for my purposes. Doctor also said it looks to heal more. The painful part in the opening is apparently a wound, which he recommends just making sure I apply panthenol to. I will do so. Got another estriol prescription. I asked about smell and he said there was no issue. However, I am not yet acidic enough, so may start to try to apply a cream which lowers pH. Gyno will test for this also. Probiotics would be fine to use, and there is no strict need to douche after sex even with a neovagina, but he did recommend to douche weekly just to clear out old salve. So that is all heading somewhere, and overall good. I experienced yet another form of internalized issues as I realized I was worried because I have not had time to shave/epilate bikini line; I found myself worried I would be treated less seriously by the gynecologist as a result, but of course there was nothing of the sort happening. Still, this is me being self-conscious of something natural to my body. My patterns of body hair now seems almost wholly like that of cis women I have known, and as a result it doesn’t really make me dysphoric any longer, especially much. Generally I just feel really at peace with my body now, which is quite remarkable. Things are calm in a way I hoped for. Moreover, one thing which further puts my mind to rest from the poor night’s sleep was that as I could not sleep, I ended up touching myself casually for the first time in a month or so, with no clear aim in mind but a subtle untargeted arousal. Not so exploratory, fingers staying on outside of underwear, but played around with my Satisfyer ultrasonic vibrator a little until its batteries ran out (light vibration was nice), then for the hell of it plugged in Data, the mains-powered, 7-speed Hitachi Magic Wand device, not expecting much, staying on lowest setting, casually pressing myself against it. Suddenly I found some remarkable angle and the sense of pleasure (centered on clitoris and inner lips) just escalated steadily upwards and felt better and better, until within 30 seconds or so (I think) I experienced the first clear and undeniable orgasm post-op. No idea if I could have kept quiet; it felt better to vocalize the pleasure out loud. Not the strongest climax I ever had, but not the weakest either; fairly centered but with a strong and enduring sense of relief ensuing. Clearly different from before: continuing the vibrations did not feel painful and I proceeded seamlessly through some form of refraction until crossing over again a minute or so later; this second orgasm was briefer, less intense but still clearly there, and accompanied by the same feeling of involuntary relaxation of some tension I recall from when ejaculating upon waking from dreams, though I don’t think fluids were necessarily involved at all; staying outside I actually have no idea if I got wet throughout any of this. But as it were, I rang the devil’s and he answered twice, as the fundies say, and the confirmation 13 weeks after surgery that I have the ability to orgasm and that it can feel really good has stayed with me throughout and is with me still, it was a worry I had strongly that I might not, and it seems I can lay that to rest. However it will happen, there is clearly more sexual pleasure in my future, though I have no idea how easy it is for me to come, or how to maximize chances of getting there. I think perhaps it is the kind of thing where it is best to not try too hard, but to keep an open mind and heart. But I also liked it very much and I want to experience it again, thinking back. I look forward to when someone else will be touching me also, however they will go about it. I look forward to moaning with someone’s head between my thighs, or with someone’s fingers or other parts inside me. But that is all for later. For now, I just will get through the day and then finally get nice, proper sleep. ♡

First dilation after silver nitrate had a lot of bleeding again and I did not really get to full depth, but hopefully that is still within normal range and should resolve. In more positive terms, random followup attempt with Lt Cmdr Data showed my sensitivity to be repeatable.

Emergency outdoors urination in dark park after 2h run after 1l coffee. Lifetime first this way. Fortuitiously had some tissues with me. Successfully, less messy than feared, will learn more still. Feels like an accomplishment, also realizing it must seem strange to cis folks to hear this is much much easier for me as I am now than as I was. When forced to it on few scattered occasions in past, dysphoria would make it deeply uncomfortable, whereas now it feels neutral and utilitarian. All in all an empowering change.

As sexual pleasure as a positive thing I seek out because it feels good slowly reemerges in my life (rather than something dutifully tried once in six months to see if I still can), it dawns on me how long it has been since I last felt like this. Years and years. And not feeling uncomfortable after climaxing, just staying smiling in some lazy afterglow, no urgent need to clean up some disgusting mess? Might never have had that before. This is good. This feels safe, like home. I look forward to eventually sharing it with others.

(Caveat: The messes of others are not disgusting, I rather like them. I just was never comfortable with my own, it made always my anatomy very difficult to disregard.)

Musing the other day as I was walking on how strange and invigorating it feels to desire pleasant touch again, and how that somehow affects me emotionally, I realized that it is fully all right for me to treat those things as meaningful and relevant in my experience of the lived body, and furthermore, that I could regard those outcomes as sacred in the same way as I have the pains and awkwardnesses and challenges of the surgery. Upon thinking it, it seems obvious and I should have realized already. I gave all the blood and pain in sacrifice to Inanna. Not so that it is no longer with me, or no longer mine, but that it is mine as I in turn is Hers, and so it is Hers, it is part of the sacred narrative I manifest by giving myself to Her as embodiment. Perspective where spirituality is the expansion of meaning through letting our matter and subjectivity inhabit and map mythological narrative and symbol. I am better these days at allowing myself this (and perhaps some find me weird for it, but I find this consistent and unproblematic) and it then becomes only sensible that just as I consecrated the pain as sacrifice, so should I the pleasure. It is Inanna’s due at least as much, and so fundamentally in line with Her narrative and mythos that it would not make sense otherwise. So I shall let myself see my sexuality as sacred. All of it – lust and pleasure and urge and frustration and release, giving and receiving, alone or in company. All of it there as an act or worship and of glorifying the Queen of Heaven and Earth. And as I thought that, and realized it can sanctify and make transcendent also seemingly very mundane and banal experiences, I realized also that this must be at the core of the very real worship of Inanna in Sumer and Babylon; Her ranks of priests and priestesses (not all cis) who were temple prostitutes or officiants in the Sacred Weddings. Surely it would have been the same for them, that in this sense they worshipped and glorified by the exercise of their sexuality within the auspices of the Goddess? So therein I shall let myself be also. When I embody and give myself over to the sexual, I shall consider this always to be worship of Inanna, made sacred in Her name. Whether symbols are salient or not, the body and the desire and the sensation, which I have shaped now in Her name, is itself such a symbol. My body is a temple.

(“This is Cpt Wesley Crusher of the Federation starship USS `Pillow Princess`, hailing Romulan warbird `Chickenhawk`… You are trespassing on Federation territory, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!”)

As I proceed to explore, so far still only on my own, how I can feel pleasure now, I am concluding climaxing feels better than it ever did before surgery, even while reaching it requires more time and effort as I have to find and maintain long enough the exact right combination of thought/fantasy, movement of my body, and point and nature of stimulation; what this is varies from time to time but so far only a Magic Wand really gets me there (but does so quite reliably); best is to push against it rhytmically on either of the two lowest settings, through underwear. I am still healing enough that more direct touch has a bit too much of an edge, and I suspect that learning to trust that the touch of another is not going to hurt will require a bit of work as well, getting used to letting someone handle me there. It is interesting that this makes aspects of vulnerability and trust so visceral, and they are no affectation, but perhaps a real obstacle. Perhaps this goes for many virgins, which I suppose I really am now, that learning to be sexual with another is a process and a challenge. By all means one I look forward to. In practice, I anticipate that I will have little opportunity to explore with another person before pandemic ends anyway (likely candidates already in my sphere being far away or otherwise inaccessible), but its eventual end should coincide with a point where I am healed after the second step of the surgery, likely in the best shape I have ever been as an adult, and feeling ready to look into it. I might at that point try dating people just for sex, so as to sample experiences more broadly. Or not. We shall see. I feel no hurry, in any case. That tangent aside, the reason orgasms feel better now than before, I suspect, is that where it used to turn painful (both mentally and physically) just after crossing over, making it on one hand important to strongly reduce intensity of stimulation, and on one hand hard to stay in the experience and not drop out of the feeling and sensation, I can now keep the stimulation nearly as intense with pressure and vibration without it hurting, and there is no wet spot to clean up, so I can ride it all out through waves of secondary contractions which, while not as intense, still makes for a drastic prolongation of the pleasure, letting me stay with it and sense it more fully. There is, in a sense, a kind of feeling of comfort and safety about the way I now can orgasm which was never there before, and I am moved emotionally by that as well, feeling healed and strengthened by it. My endocrinology is not different, so I suspect this must be due to no longer having all that erectile tissue bruising itself through its own contractions while tumescent. Anatomy. Very, very fascinating. And I am so glad to be alive, right now. Much love! ♡

(Praised be the Queen of Heaven and Earth.)

Being able to climax without inevitably feeling physically and emotionally uncomfortable thereafter? Is wild. I am only now realizing, by the contrast, just how bad it used to be, what I had just come to accept as “normal” throughout decades of living with it.

I haven’t worn pants since 2018. But today I went to the store wearing just tights, top and cardigan (and mask, no makeup), and realizing that for the first time, I feel OK wearing something figure-tight without having a dress or skirt to flow over it. Finally the unobscured shape of my body feels right, feels OK to have seen, sensed, to sense myself. By how I let surgery and HRT adjust me, I have gained new freedoms, because I no longer need a constant layer of translation between my body and the world. I can be seen.

One thing which changed a lot is how I relate to needing to pee. Friends from before may know the frustration of watching movies with me where I would need to go every 30min because I would feel uncomfortable with the distracting sensation of a bladder even if not that urgent. Possibly because it reminded me of my anatomy too much. Or a habit of never just sitting with things. This changed. Weeks on catheter were part of unlearning, and also the early weeks of not wanting to go too often because would worry over doing something wrong, like a new mother with a baby. But also probably just the body now not hurting to be reminded of. I am less bothered. That said, still chose to relieve myself in a patch of trees now on my run. Went even better this second time. No idea if I do it the same way cis girls are taught to. Held a tree trunk so I could lean back and not spray my tights. Worked well. And it is remarkable how now I can do messy things like this, in shoddy sweaty exercise gears and no makeup, not being able to clean up fully, and still not feel dysphoric and disgusted with myself. The truth is, cliché or not, medical transition has made me so much more comfortable in my skin, with less need of performativity as a result. This liberation feels wonderful.

Frustrating and a little scary: sometimes I still bleed a little (just a few drops on the dilator but still) while dilating. Makes me worry whether the deep part really heals. Or more to the point, if it heals only weakly so that it is easily torn again. This is an issue mainly in the sense that perhaps it puts me at risk either for cell changes from repeat injury there, or at risk of STDs as it would be part of my vagina with less integrity. This is one reason I started PrEP, to balance something like this when I get sexually active again but I don’t know what it’s efficacy is for this kind of situation (easily torn neovaginal lining) as opposed to where it has usually been tested. Nor do I know how one resolves skin healing only poorly and vulnerably. Meeting gynecologist tomorrow and will ask his thoughts on what might work. Perhaps it will even just resolve from having some longer time to heal absent dilation during the time after the second surgery. Still, it will calm me down more when this is finally resolved.

Achievement unlocked: run into transfem friend in gyno waiting room. And making it through appointment all in German. Dr said healing is proceeding well. More silver nitrate. Now home to sleep.

(We all go to the same doctors because we ask each other for recommendations, seeking thus to avoid the bad ones. Berlin is as Berlin does. We are the followups to the Hirschfeld studies they could not burn, I guess?)

It dawned on me the other day how my current feel of “want to get deflowered, soon, come deflower me so I know I am fully functional and anatomically correct?” echoes the laments of Inanna preceding Dumuzi’s courtship of her. The chants of “Who shall plow my vulva?” Thus…

Today has me easily frustrated, irritable, and sentimentally weeping (not sadly weeping, really) over small things. I would describe it as my emotions being a bit volatile. Interesting.

I must report that I do, in fact, have a G-spot. Vibrator with rotating head (and probably hooked fingers) reach it and together with other stimulation, feels very good. I guess this makes sense – behind there is what used to be prostate tissue.

Being a hypochondric who is scheming to have sex with non-me people in the near future, should that be possible, I have restarted my PrEP regime; did not take it since early 2019 due to pandemic.

Experiencing some nausea today as I believe is common upon (re-)starting. Meh. 😦

META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.

This is almost embarrassing to write but last few days, I feel that my libido has slowly began to return, unbidden. This makes sense with increasing mobility and safety in motion, and probably also from my endocrine system rebalancing to the absence of either gonads or suppressors, but it is not very practical. I noticed this largely before sleeping, distracting me from falling asleep easily, but at the same time, trying my best to avoid letting my body respond with arousal. Not that I don’t want to explore that, eventually, but I want to be wholly healed before I do, so I don’t need to worry about hurting any of the surgical work from the changes in blood flow. Even so, just the stirring of arousal brings about a tinge of tender pain, and so I try to step back from it when it happens. I do have a major scientific curiosity here though. It seems to involve some sense of swelling, though no idea how far that can go, and presumably wholly internal and invisible to others. All human genital anatomy involves some erectile tissue, and mine should now have been reduced to within the range of the average woman, though I know some want it reduced further in the second operation. I am beginning to realize that it is correct that being tucked feels similar enough to the post-op state that the comparison indeed is meaningful, though greatly different from not being tucked. With the very crucial difference that I am now able to experience that even naked and regardless of what I am doing. Down the line, when better healed, I am curious to investigate further how far this observation holds, as well as how my endocrine and libido will evolve and interact with my embodiment alone and with others.

Did not make it to pharmacy in time, so could not replenish panthenol salve, and so needed to improvise, and used regular water-based lubricant for dilation. It was a lot easier, though I should get back on the panthenol as soon as I can. Today, no blood in either discharge or on dilator, so I am slowly beginning to dare hope the silver nitrate was effective in treating the granuloma, taking me yet closer to healing fully.

Healing update: since a few days of dilating with water-based lubricant after the silver nitrate treatment, there seems to be no bleeding while dilating, though discharge still has some pink tinges. I interpret this as though the granuloma is healing well and that otherwise healing proceeds. Dilation even with Bones dilator poses no challenges. I suspect I can soon start with the Spock dilator. Feeling better still, though still the slit in the clitoris remains, the urethral area is very red and somewhat swollen, and there is an area inside left introitus that still feels hard, somewhat swollen, and that stings a bit when touched or stretched. I suspect that is a seam still healing, in which case, time should smoothen it out. Getting closer and closer to feeling like my skin is all intact.

Going to have a first look again at my old ERC application in order to rewrite and resubmit it, while, Goddess willing, I try if I can fit the largest dilator (Mr Spock) inside me. I suppose I have found my place in the world now.

Going to write some emails to putative collaborators while finishing up a weird cauliflower pasta dish. But to recap – dilation still without blood, omitting Captain Kirk entirely, starting with the Bones dilator then trying out Mr Spock, keeping him in for most of a Star Trek episode wherein which Klingons and the Federation both arm stone age people and there is a power-hungry herbalist witch who sadly dies and it is all sort of dirty and dated. It was not comfortable, but the other dilators also were not comfortable at first so I think in principle, if proceeding with this, I should expect to be able to saturate the regime. Though I probably should verify with the surgeon it is not too early to use Spock. I will send an email to him too, just to check. Feeling this almost drugged relaxation afterwards, much like with electrolysis, even though this was not painful. I wonder if any physical challenge like this causes endorphin spikes for me, and that they therefore may somehow function as a way for me to condition myself to desire the experiences repeatedly? I suspect this may be part of it, in which case, I am essentially conditioning myself to desire and find euphoric calmness from sufficiently intense penetration, as a side effect of the pure wound aftercare aspect. Which, I suppose, makes for a version of what I claim in jest, though literally played straight, that I train myself to also develop a heterosexual side by spending time watching Mr Spock while keeping a medical dildo inside me. All in all, I will ride this wave of experiences into as much of glorious self-actualization as I can though. All the pieces are connected, and synergize.

Dilated for near an hour at near full depth with Spock. Felt a little bit of weird bruising pain, hoping I do not risk hurting myself. Possibly I should wait until I ask the surgeon about it. But feeling still good that I can (and no blood, so again, probably fine). Putting surgical tape over the phone camera bc Duo cannot turn video off and I am in a phone meeting while also dilating and answering emails. This life is the logical extension of all I have done before and I do feel proud.

Carefully looked closer at myself again after reading on different surgery outcomes. The way my clitoris looks is apparently typical for the surgeon; maximizing reuse of nerve-dense regions (thus keeping sensitivity) by constructing something which is part extended clitoris, part clitoral frenulum (as the skin links directly into the inner labia). It is not perfectly paleo-like, but also not unlike, and as a tradeoff between considerations, I am fine with it. Someone close enough to separate labia and look close (hi!) would notice, but it is not that outlandish in context of paleo anatomical variation TBH. And if anyone is bothered, they don’t deserve to be that close anyway. Apparently the region below (part of vestibule) has a specific name, though contentious, namely periurethral glans, “the triangle-like region between clitoral frenula and vaginal opening, containing the urethra”. This is still swollen, but has gone from red and irritated to mostly the same tone as the clitoris, and the edge between them is less obvious as the healing proceeds. I am after all less than two months into a six month process. But the change is important, making the vestibule feel more like a continuous area. The remaining main swelling is the “bulb” between urethra and vagina, made from urethral tissue, which is a known issue my surgeon often corrects in the second step; there is erectile tissue remaining beyond and it swells easily. It looks a little weird and gets in the way. This, along with the “dog ears” of extra skin in the outer labia and perhaps the as-yet absent posterior commissure/fourchette (inner labia segment below the vaginal opening) are the things I can see myself wanting adjusted in the second step, mainly, if depth is also enough still by then. As regard to that, it dawns to me that the truly rational (Spock: “Simply logical, captain.” *raising eyebrow, tilting head*) thing would be to actually evaluate if it is enough by having a friendly phallus haver enter me under perfectly controlled, safe, expectation-free circumstances at some point before then which is in contrast to my plan to wait until after the second procedure. However, this would be far more an experiment, more Apollonian than Dionysian on the dilation versus intercourse continuum. I should eventually ask around with my phallus haver friends and loved ones. Still, this is months of healing away regardless. Just fascinated by the insight that I actually may need this data to be able to make meaningful decisions in the followup surgery consultation. On that note, I got response from my surgeon on the possibility and safety of trying the Spock dilator. He writes that I can try it. Then, unprompted, he writes I can “also try normal sexual intercourse if I douche immediately afterwards”. Aside from the normativity (which I can take in stride from a German man in his seventies, this tells me both I probably should feel safe in using any kind of lubricant, not just the salves, and that I need not worry more about becoming aroused hurting the healing process, as these both are implicit in what he outlines. No immediate policy consequences of this, aside from that I can be open to whatever I end up feeling like. Still should be gentle with myself, and patient, and no need either to rush anything in this process. I am a forty year old teenage virgin who can take her time and let her heart and loins keep pace with each other however they will. While outside, the world of 2020 is awash with fire and plague and swarms of vermin and bands of fools butting heads and locking horns. And inside, by and large, I am at peace.

Damn it. The markings on the Bones dilator had dislocated and for the last days I dilated to 10cm, not 12cm. Going up again with Kirk gets me to 12 but there is again some granuloma bleeding. Perhaps I am not done with that issue at all yet. 😦

Apparently the condoms wrapping the dilators can distort, hence why the depth marker positions were off. Coming home (while slowly sobering up, and watching the end of TOS S2 and beginning of TOS S3) I kept pushing all three of Kirk, Bones and Spock. Some insights following insofar as, I was indeed not fully at depth before, and I still need to make an effort to get to the 12cm marker, though at least hitting bottom does not hurt, per se. I get there only while continually pushing, and only with middle-sized Bones. I bled a little at first pushing as far with Kirk as I could, granulation most likely. Hoping that will be truly finally resolved soon. And I must remark the dilators in a way the markings cannot be distorted. With enough lubricant, and working up to it, I can reliably get Spock in at least 10cm and it is beginning to feel less like a challenge. I feel by no means certain yet that I will be able to keep this current 12cm depth while healing, but also not without some optimism. Continuing to dilate and to stay at depth then for some time pushing against the surface should do it. I then made some attempts at testing my sensitivity, intending to try my response to pleasurable outside touch, including minor vibration, but did not really get far – overall, I think I feel too roughened up yet and then to really enjoy, but moreover, it is becoming somewhat clear that 1) touch does not really become pleasurable in the absence of genuine arousal and 2) touch itself might not bring about arousal. In fact, arousal may not fully be predictable or easy under circumstances as instrumental as those. I must wait for it to come on its own, at a good time, if I am to be able to test how I can react to it. And I need not be in any hurry there. Of course, part of me want to anxiously find an answer to that most insistent of question, can I still orgasm? But that feeling of anxiety in itself guarantees a certain desperation to the attempt that makes it impossible. I am quite sure I cannot come on demand. Once again, if I can, then it is under circumstances that, as it were must come on their own, not because I just initiate them. Maybe that will change, maybe not – before, I could essentially “come on command” but not in a sense that was truly pleasurable. I will see simply see how this develops eventually. Love to all!

Was varyingly anxious today and I STG the dilation now (no bleeding, reached depth with all three dilators) helped me come down properly from it. It truly can be most meditative, probably for same reason some sports can – one has to relax and get out of one’s head to do it.

Restarted P4, woke after 1h for weird hour long half slumber tracing geography of my birthplace from above. Filled in details on phone. Cannot quite go back to sleep but quite serene. Read some novel then gradually found myself slowly fantasizing about touching and being touched, long, slow process of coming to respond. I don’t get swollen as I had thought, and as before. Rather it is like a shaking, or pulsing, or stirring? The hand does not feel it from outside, but loins do inside. Stealth response. More data collection needed. There is some overlap with the old response but only in the first seconds of each wave? Stirring, not stable swelling. After a while, decided to glove a hand and feel. What surprises most, I seem to lubricate when aroused? And substantially so. Not sure to what extent this is salves from dilation pushed out. But I actually suspect it is somehow fluids of my own, courtesy of the specific surgery I had. We are not supposed to be able to, but this one method has some credible expectation of exudate from upcycled urethral mucosa. As well as what became a Skene’s gland, though not sure how it emerges, nor where my lubrication comes from. After some time, a little bit of a dull, diffuse ache, but not severe, or as I feared. Had never dared touch except surgeon said – unprompted! Ecchi old man! – that I could. As it was, had little of a goal, and unlike before, did not try to touch clitoris so much directly. I think I felt a few stitches there, towards the end. Maybe not all have dissolved. Will look in mirror tomorrow. Touching without real goal, there was strong pleasure from a region I had not expected, just a spot on the inner lips, might have been fleeting, probably dependent on the wetness. Some sense of release, not overwhelming, and I cannot say if it was a climax or not an experience I have heard of from cis woman lovers. Enough for me to whimper and bite my finger, and to leave a calm satisfaction in me after. No sharp drop but a gradual step down. Just some initial minor data collection. But demonstrating several important aspects of my post-operatively sexed body and mind in this sense. I retain libido and sensitivity. My arousal takes time to manifest and seems hard to force or rush. Progesterone may or may not play a part (started today again after being off it for long). I need more data on where being touched actually feels good on each occasion, it is not a priori evident and might even shift. And there are indications I might perhaps be able to lubricate more than I had expected (or dared hope – it matters to me), though need to verify in the absence of confounders like a lubricated/salve-bearing placeholder. And I really need to catch some sleep finally. Maybe it will be easier now. Love to all! ♡

I can’t fully assess it while still using pads continuously, but I am beginning to conclude that my parts now feel a bit moist at all times, comparatively. What is more relevant is that this is not uncomfortable. With my old anatomy, I would spend a lot of time ensuring no liquid remained on the skin at any time, because the resulting sensations would draw my attention there and make me dysphoric. Whereas now, the presence of my genitals in my body sensory map simply feels… safe? Not alarming? They just are there and that is OK. There is slow development going on in the background too. Early after surgery, I still felt the disparate skin regions as being located where they had been when activated (but in stinging pieces!). I think now more and more they have begun to merge into a revised map of the tactile landscape of my vulva and vagina. The spatial locations are correcting, and the contiguous skin regions are beginning to flare better in unison. Still alignment work to be done, but it clearly follows from experiencing body sensations over time.

I keep feeling surprised each time I find myself attracted to men, despite having ostensibly identified as some variety of bi/pan since my early twenties. Possibly because through some combination of uncomfortable reminders of my own dysphoria-inducing body, as well as toxic or at the very least noxious or poor-tasting masculinity, most non-fictional men not being that interesting to me outside of a narrow space of performative romance and sexuality. Then I started responding to male pheromones once on hormone replacement therapy and upon sensing the possibility of partaking in heterosexual hookups as a woman, finding myself recognizing and repeating those scripts, only held back by my body. Now I can be penetrated (I could before, in another way, but never much felt comfortable with that too much feeling like it might hurt for me to relax into it), which makes me conscious that I shall want to experience that, both with men and with those glorious AMAB non-men who are comfortable penetrating. Eventually. At the same time, I expect that being with cis women also will feel different, less carrying the shadow of a heterosexuality where I occupy the wrong position, more a bodily sameness. No idea how much of any of this all is mere validation seeking, or performance that I feel myself beginning to need at this stage. Still, the observation remains – I keep finding myself enjoying the view and sound and motion and poise and scent (rarely all at once) of specific, select men, and find such men in my fantasies, and each time when this happens on its own, not due to any designon my part, I feel surprised by it, still. Probably that too will eventually change into something else. Interesting times.

Amount of discolouration after wearing a pad for a day is now relatively small. I think from tomorrow I might try with pantyliners, with the hope that perhaps these things might not be needed for much longer. Really feeling subtly more healed day by day. ♡

Latest discovery: continuing healing and taking plenty of time allows for a point where light touch with a vibrating device is pleasurable. Surprisingly, this goes even more inside, and not only for sensation in muscle, but also for sensation in skin. Applicable only when in the very right mood, and still not taking me over the threshold, but beginning to feel as though if I could only experience those vibrations both outside and inside at once, and keep the intensity just right, perhaps I might? We will see when I end up testing that further. Also, wearing only pantyliners results now in them very slightly red-stained after a day, as well as crumpled and moist, but not bloody or slimy as before. Discharge seems to be reducing, in other words. However, my panties will always be slightly moist. Not sticky, and virtually odorless, but moist. Unsure if this is exudate, sweat (and I might actually have vaginal sweat given 80% of it is skin rather than urethra) or dilation lubricant slowly being expelled. However, was helped by seeing that apparently many cis women also report the same (and/or worry about it). As noted, my old anatomy appeared drier, in part because I compulsively wiped all folds dry because it would freak me out to have attention drawn there otherwise as temperature and moisture interacted. Whereas now, that attention is at worst neutral, at best positive. It really seems like having this surgery broadly has eliminated bottom dysphoria from my daily life (meaning both it was a salient factor, and that it now no longer is). Love to all! ♡

A little frightened. After several days of no bleeding, now I bled a lot during dilation. More than before. I wonder if I have done damage somehow. Probably it will heal on its own, but my anxious mind paints pictures of somehow tearing through into the intestine or other scary outcomes. Hopefully I just scratched the deep granulation tissue, and there will be less of it when I dilate after sleep. Wondering if I will need more silver nitrate, and if I should contact the gynecologist. Surely this is not an emergency though it is not a situation where failure to act quickly will cause major problems. I can contact the surgeon and check though what he advises, that should calm me.

This is interesting in its own scary weirdness. I am leaking what seems essentially to be water, slowly, wetting the pantyliner so I may need to change it for a pad before going to sleep. The pace for this started just now. I can only parse this as somehow being blood flowing into my vaginal tissues, presumably to carry healing factors in response to damage, but that with skin mostly all intact, I exude clear watery fluid rather than bleed. This would imply both that the damage may now be recent, from during the dilation itself as it increased so, and that healing operation is in place. I will stay with this confidence in mind and go to sleep, as I should have done long ago. The need to space out dilations certainly is not doing wonders for having a good sleep schedule, but I will find ways to get that also under control. Glad for the weekend.

A night of sleep seems to have worked, what seeped out overnight was still red-stained but when flushing out with water before dilating again, it was clear. I avoided pushing all the way in (trying to reach the markings but no further) and as a result, no blood during the afternoon session, and back to only minor wetness and an unstained pantyliner thereafter. I’ll stay careful during next days, though need also to be careful not to get onto some slippery slope where fear has me losing depth over time (“my tastes may be shallow but my vagina should not be!”), which I see as a risk otherwise. Hoping anxiety is over for now, and will be careful with putting in the placeholder also. Continuing to be more tired than usual, which conceivably might have something also to do with the healing.

By contrast I realize how awkward and disgusting it felt to touch my old genitals. Healing goes on, but struck with some anxiety on whether I have orgasmic capacity or not. Watched kettle never boils but it would reassure me if I can reach it at least once on my own. These writings may thus approach even worse TMI than before. Starting to experiment and trying to remember anxiety and urgency is the biggest lust killer there is. I must learn to await or create moods, and have time then, to test this, and to banish single minded goal orientation. Some occasions were found serendipitously with mixed vibes; weirdly, tiny rod and Hitachi both feel good-ish literally anywhere but clitoris. There they are too much: not in sense of pleasure but pressure, feels bruising. Might be my fear it is not fully healed, however, or that it still really is too sore. Remote-effect Hitachi mostly just tickles? Only very light and wet touch there feels good at all. Where I feel the most pleasure, surprisingly, are both sets of labia? And more from strokes so far. That is good but likely not enough on its own. What also feels good, somewhat surprising, are the shallow parts of my vagina? True, some of both skin and urethral mucosa there should be sensitive. And it is true, looking back, surprisingly perhaps also, most of my idle sexual fantasies, since long, either center on other persons or, if centering myself, on being penetrated. The few times pre-op I tried self-stimulation (to see if I still could come), only such fantasies could get me over, though I lacked any way to experience the sensation. So perhaps combining lighter touches to labia with penetration is what I should look into? I did not have so much time this morning, as needed to dilate and get presentable for psychiatry appointment. But nonetheless tried some to add external wet touch with my free hand while holding the dilators in. Dilators are not dildos and it is not supposed to be sexy. Moreover it has been slightly scary so far. Worries I would tear, or could do so if surprise or swelling made me tense up. But it now does not seem so? Dilators go in when I am most tense even. And more importantly, while I swell some on arousal, that has little impact here while muscles instead seem to relax? And the word even is that later on, sex can replace dilation. If concomitant arousal was dangerous, probably it would not be so. So, perhaps this is safe after all and I can try it. Feeling also less fearful over using also silicone lubricant at least outside, or whether I get salve outside either. If anything that should help healing. Gently rubbing the scars. Have yet to try more in-out motion with the dilators, but perhaps this also might end up safe? Their design – firm but yielding, and filling me – seems surprisingly much as would otherwise search for. Might still shop around though, as well as look into really gentle, soft egg vibrators for outside. As well as try out that ultrasound suction toy though I expect it may be too harsh. All for later. No rush. Will find time eventually. Interesting times and interesting complexity!

Awesome response from surgeon: 1) I can phase out the placeholder. YAY! 2) I can start doing running and indoor cycling. I foresee increased well-being soon!

I finished the last episode of Star Trek: The Original Series, making for ~70h of dilation (watching solely while at depth). It has been most illuminating both with regards to this most nerdy setting and medium, my healing body, and my mind. The latter involving absolutely a clarification and elaboration on the androphilic side of my sexuality, as the series offers several pleasant flavors of man-candy; far more lean beefcake than cheesecake, including sophisticated such as Mr Spock raising his eyebrows while remaining always impeccably calm. It has also been near-unbearably cheesy and cringey on many occasions, so shoddily conceptualized. I will persevere through The Animated Series, and thereafter move on to TNG, and I much anticipate two decades of social evolution there. We will see how many years of post-op existence it will take me to saturate the Star Trek canon. The movies, I think, are not suited for dilation accompaniment. But the series certainly are (and form, I think, their own continuity). The time elapsed, on the other hand allowed for two months of recovery, during which I graduated to the largest dilator and apparent cessation of bleeding. Things have gone from open wounds in places to integral skin, with far less fear and far more confidence and a very gradual sense of healing. The final TOS episode S03E24: “Turnabout Intruder” is easily the most trans TOS content there is. Since sexist Starfleet does not allow (explicit or implicit is unclear) woman captains, Kirk’s ex Dr Janice Lester comes to envy and hate him, and to resent her womanhood. She arranges events to use ancient alien technology to switch minds with Kirk, stealing his identity and body while imprisoning him in hers. Conflict and identity theft resolution ensues. What makes this most interesting, aside from readings of both her and Kirk as dysphoric while in her body, is the performance of the actors. Janice-as-Kirk defaults to feminine body language and voice patterns when afraid, and is then treated differently by her co-conspirator and lover. Meanwhile her aggressive and assertive states express as a variant on Kirk’s usually toxic masculinity, but a different one. Janice-as-Kirk does not have the unshakeable calm Kirk-as-Kirk possesses. More interesting still to me is Kirk-as-Janice, once she catches her bearings. Kirk’s usual fuckboy charm becomes polite-smiling girlish guile. She radiates concern and anxiety otherwise unseen, and it is seen responded to with her senior officers flanking and protecting her chivalrously in those moments, something I myself can relate to as a sometimes-fragile trans woman with a kindly crew. When assertive she is very clear and coherent, and it strikes me that the way Kirk-as-Janice is played seems echoed well in Captain Janeway of the Voyager, my long-standing ideal for the kind of leader I wanted to be (which in hindsight should have been another of those things I could have noticed). Speech and mannerism there are extremely interesting (and would have made a far better TOS if always there, so I look much forward to Voyager). I suppose it all goes to show both that while Shatner is an asshole, he has quite wide range as an actor, as do Smith playing Lester. Apparently few share my fondness for this episode, for a variety of reasons, so likely this is a very idiosyncratic trans reading. Be that as it may. I found it a good conclusion to this first stage of my rituals. Onwards!

Today also: first night without placeholder. First day without placeholder. Additionally as experiment, first day without pads or pantyliners. I expect some discharge but will be curious to learn how much or how little. It feels incredibly liberating. Wearing my old panties from first years of transition. Back then, I concluded eventually that the only models really fitting as I was, were high-waist briefs; I found at least some makes that felt both comfortable and reasonably stylish. However, that was from wearing them lower than intended, to give space in bottom and front. Then in 2018 sometime – I think – I started tucking; using a gaffe made of folded pantyhose to keep genitals compressed, with a thong and another piece outside it, wearing thus usually precisely the same each day and handwashing them each night. I tried that on recommendation as it was said it might approximate post-vaginoplasty sensations, and I needed to determine how that would feel like, if it was something I needed. The comparison, honestly, is not entirely wrong, I can say that now in hindsight; there are kinaesthetic overlaps that are important, and those presumably were also the reason that once I started tucking, I continued to do so every day thereafter until a week before surgery, so I would not have to feel the spatial wrongness of what I had. Now, those underwear are no longer needed, and I use the pre-tucking high-waist panties, which then feel somewhat uncomfortable in different ways – too big! The best feeling now comes from the few lower-waist ones I have like boyshorts. While I have some thongs, I don’t feel healed enough quite yet for that. Getting to a point where I should go shop sensible underwear that fits well, though the plague makes it a little harder. I am calmly anticipating learning how more models fit now.

META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.

Went home today. Cleaned up, unpacked, laundried, dilated. Now extremely tired for some time. There is weird almost-pain somewhere inside my hip region when I bend over or sit too much, I am curious on what that is? It feels good to be home. (Noting on the Head-overturning-rite playlist there are good songs by two artists – Azalea Banks and Deadmau5 – that I have since learned have anti-trans sentiments. Will see if I keep them in.) Watching more Star Trek: TOS while dilating – series relies heavily on the “insidious mind control/influence/infiltrator/shapeshifter/possession among the crew”, and also on “every man but Spock is only one disinhibiting influence away from sexually harassing female crewmembers”.

Waking is weird. Slow. Coffee begins to wake me up. It dawns that there is relatively little I must do beyond dilation and other recovery and I feel a little restless, exposed, good for me though. I should look into those useful things I might not otherwise do, but first listen to my body. Being home relaxes but I miss perhaps the routine of the hospital also? Should combat skin dryness, and spend time listening to myself. In bed still, lying for first time with ankles crossed, laptop on thighs. Should soon proceed to dilate and then probably provide my biosketch/CV for that Nov 2 NIH deadline. Don’t want to, nor do I want to look at the Big Manuscripts. But possibly I should, and also pay some attention to the ERC resubmission. However, main mental focus is from waiting for the support letters I need for my dream project not to lose funding. If another week, perhaps I remind again, but I don’t want to push. Need to be mindful before that. And I am somewhat concerned as I have experienced occasional urine leakage still when near full and moving around. I hope this is just an expected temporary side effect (of bladder musculature needing retraining after catheter, and pelvic floor musculature being weak now after literally being dissected, then left inactive for three weeks in bed) plus dilation basically is all about relaxing those muscles, not tensing them, and the whole region is swollen internally. All of which points to this being something resolved with exercise and healing and reduced inflammation, but I would feel better if a physician told me outright, as incontinence is scary to me and one of those things I still am afraid of. I emailed my surgeon and will speak to my gynecologist on Thursday. It is not a major problem either, just one I react to and noteworthy also because, as noted, I lack now distal urethral sensing like I had before when the urethra was longer, before being repurposed for new things. Should be fine though. Will do my care stuff and try to gently be active on many random things during the day, which might just include cartoons, too.

Somehow, the smaller pad I now tried still seems to cover enough, and it feels more comfortable? It also adheres to the panties. Remains to be seen how long it suffices before being soaked with the mixtures of wound salve and blood that drips out of me. The feeling of smelling like fresh meat is less enjoyable, but I accept it for now. It will be like this for some undefined period, possibly a few months, most likely, after which hopefully I shall no longer need to wear pads.

As I begin to recover, the sense of feeling like I am a bad person for not currently doing science work creeps over me. I want so much to just relax and heal now and literally everyone tells me I should, but I still feel guilty for doing it, like I am selfish and taking some sort of risk for not currently giving it my all. It’s OK that I rest for a few more weeks, right, without being productive? Even though I feel guilty and afraid because of it?

Finished evening dilation and put on a new pad. PAIN SPIKE, not sure where but probably lower edges of labia somehow pressured. Nothing dangerous, I am quite sure. Just an example of how it comes and goes. Fully endurable, though I did now take an ibuprofen. Bodies are wild.

Slept long. Another dilation went well. Then walked 200m to pharmacy to order more cream, taking stairs twice. Walking like a 90yo still. Got more bed protectors. Forgot about recommended lubricant. Tomorrow gyno appt, will taxi to that. And then ask for more salve and lube prescriptions, as they are very costly bought otherwise, it turns out. I may be out of condoms though. Need to check. Otherwise must go out again to nearby drogmarkt. I sort of want to but I should be cautious knowing my desire for constant challenge. Writing that I also realize it is true. I have a desire for challenge. I never really identified with it, but I think on some level it is true? I crave challenge and victory.

I took another trip out. Walked slowly slowly to get cheap condoms, vitamins and some groceries as there was a grocery store next to the drogenmarkt. I think this was about the limit of my current ability but it also felt so good and I think perhaps I should consider trying to go out for a walk every day from this point if not stressful, because I think perhaps it might even help recovery. The cold through my tights and the sensation of walking also was interesting from a perspective of how my genitals feels like now. Something I recall from having “outie” genitals is how temperature-reactive they are (reduced, thankfully, when I started to tuck them in), responding by growing and shrinking to temperature fluctuations. It made for a lot of dysphoria as it reminded of what was there. Some of this recovery remains in what was woven now from those tissues, and instead of discomfort, gives me interesting sensory data on what my new anatomy feels like, which provides gradual learning of the new body map. Essentially, the sensation which was protruding now instead surrounds the openings into my body, forming like a circle and a channel leading in; I think surrounding both vagina and urethra and nestled in the top of the outer lips. This sort of matches what I believe the surgeon did, with some confusion as the skin and the spongiform material went partly to different places. I will read up more on anatomy later when I am less swollen and can inspect more, but getting here already a sense of how things feel differently than before. I don’t think I have lost much sensation.

Second dilation of the day, later than ideal for not getting nocturnal. Was a little challenging but went OK. LOTS of fluid dripping out of me though I suspect it is mostly the salves. I should try to outline what it is like in case someone is curious for their own choices. At the bottom of my vulva is the opening, and there is like an edge to where external skin gives way to vestibule. Inside me there is like a… hurdle, which goes down to block the path. Is this the vestibular bulb? I am not sure at all. But anything that should go inside me needs to go over the bottom… ledge… then under this… hurdle, then up again and thereafter is my vaginal canal. Some or both of these may contain parts of the PC musculature? I am not sure. And the vestibular skin outside is slowly becoming less swollen, I remember it super swollen while in hospital, and it feels mucosal, and I think it was previously urethral skin, and I also feel edges and perhaps also stitches on it. The edge between vestibule and outer skin goes along my labia and must be where the major stitches were; this is still sore and not fully healed, especially on the one side, and that edge is the current main remaining source of pain and sensitivity. There is also a soreness inside, on the bottom of the… hurdle, where I again suspect there is an edge from stitching, and which I worry I might hurt during dilation, will ask gynecologist of this tomorrow. Dilating, I need to insert the (condomed, covered with salves) dilator (in this case, sort of a foam dildo) first pointing downwards, then under the hurdle, then inside, which requires slow but deliberate pushing for 5-10 minutes, and requires pushing all the way until it reaches the 12cm mark I made on it. Not sure if the challenge is the musculature in the opening or that surroundsthe canal. Probably both. It feels overall very like putting a sex toy in anally, in the sense that one needs to carefully push against muscular tension. This is one reason I strongly suspect more lubricant might help. I wonder if later when more trained through this, I will be able to just insert something without having to push it with force every millimeter? I think for penetrative sex to not be super complicated, this would be needed, though it is not crucial to me that I am able to receive that. Of course, this is just a few days into a six month programme, so there is plenty of time for things to evolve. Not sure if I succeeded in describing what it feels like, but it is becoming less and less scary, and I am glad of the increased familiarity.

OK, it is late enough that if I try to wait a reasonable amount of time, then dilate again, it will be so late I won’t get meaningfully enough sleep. If I instead skip one session and just do it when I wake, it will be near ten hours between, but it was longer the night before today, near thirteen hours. I don’t think I will close up from this, nor that it is strictly important I do X sessions per day (and in reality, I dilate longer each time than instructed, I think, so total time is still higher), but rather not to go too long between occasions. I think I will be safe instead ensuring I get enough sleep now, and even to give my poor vestibule a little time to recover from being opened up like that. I do need the panthenol lube I may be prescribed tomorrow. It will be fine.

Ended up dilating anyway as placeholder fell out. Now sleep.

I woke with a little too little sleep, and went immediately into dilation. Torn between wanting to speed up the process and to never rush it. Then I had quickly some coffee and ubered away to my gynecologist, first time I see him post-op. It went overall well. He provided the prescriptions I need for salves, including bepanthen as additional lube, and most excitingly, for evening use only, estriol (E3). This then is technically my third HRT component, and I am very curious. It mostly spikes during pregnancy and I am wondering how many of those mechanisms it mediates. Taking it vaginally for healing makes sense if it is part of vaginal healing or adaptation somehow, and I suppose it will also then circulate some. Will I feel it? Who knows? I will pick it up in an hour and use it tonight. He looked me over in the gyn chair with a much smaller and less obtrusive speculum. Outside is healing well, he says. Inside, deep parts, still are loose, not attached correctly; this being the deep graft section. Apparently it is now largely that which bleeds. The hope and expectation is that in a few weeks, healing will have been resolved either way and I will be able to stop using the salves (switching to regular lubricant presumably) as well as to stop douching so much, which would aim to produce an acidic environment, so we are in fact aiming to facilitate establishment of the correct microbiota. This excites me. Then went home, picked up meds, dilated again (maybe a little easier with the bepanthen), and will soon pick up the other ones. Feeling actually very tired from the relatively too little sleep, so I should try to do this day kindly, gently, with minimal effort and maximal “Avatar – the Last Airbender” binge watching in bed, I guess.

Genital hygiene: Apparently from hospital and aftercare instructions, I am not really expected at this point to do much with the clitoris in terms of cleaning (in fact, rather recommended to leave well enough alone to heal) which is interesting because how it contrasts with my pre-op experience? This is weird trivia, but I find it still interesting because it is one of few cases where there is a contrast in situation which I am right now in a unique situation to observe directly. With phallic anatomy (uncircumcised – may otherwise not apply in the same way), it is crucial to wash daily, with soap and water, under the foreskin, because discharge and urine both accumulates there and will start to smell bad and be uncomfortable otherwise, this is something taught to small children where the anatomy applies. Whereas now, the same homologous tissues (clitoral glans and hood) do not overlap with urethra at all, and can presumably self-clean relatively easier? That said, I am also so swollen there yet (and there is so much careful stitchwork involved that for now I just shower the entire area and hope that water trickling down on its own is sufficient for cleanliness; this was also what they told me in hospital. Later, when touching does not bring any dull pain, I might explore more. It is a shame I did not learn this as a child though. There may be books and tutorials, perhaps? I should go check out WikiHow. 😀

EDIT: WikiHow does recommend at least showering between the folds. That said, swelling needs to go down before I should try to spread them much, I think. I guess I am afraid it might hurt? (Also, oversharing. But if that bothered you, you would probably not be reading this.)

Slow day. Needed replacing the placeholder at night (probably should not lube it as it falls out easier) and there was some seriously weird situation where I think the estriol cream dissolves the tissues in one brand of pad but not the other? Leaving some sort of disgusting fibrous mold-like mass I had to shower off to make sure it was not part of my body. But then slept long enough, and slowly did another dilation round in the early afternoon – there is again slightly less blood, now only very little, though it still takes a while to reach depth, still perhaps 10-15 minutes, and this in part is something where I am not actually sure what it is that makes it succeed? Do I finally find the right angle, or is it the pressure, or the pulsing/pushing motion? I can’t remember really. But it works, and gets me somewhere. And should become easier with time. And I think healing proceeds too. Then had some coffee and oats, and feeling all in all tired enough to lie down for typing, for a while. Some things it would be useful if I do but I should make sure to minimize it if I can, and just relax a bit. All in all this is very good I think. Exhaustion, if anything, should indicate that healing really does proceed. On multiple levels, too.

The hardest part of dilation for me is the first, putting in the tube for the douching. I think it really does help if I use a gloved and lubed finger to help guide it inside, which so far I did not, and this also helps me to understand how my opening feels. That is still very clearly healing, with stitches I can feel, with edges between tissue parts and certainly not smooth skin, but it also clearly does not feel like regular skin; it feels to my finger very like how others have felt for me to touch. I very much want this part to heal well and smoothly. There is still always a bit of fresh blood, but I don’t know where it comes from, if it is from the deep graft or from the opening. After rinsing with water, there is little left and now mostly there is no blood either on placeholder or dilator, which I hope is a sign of healing. Inserting the dilator to depth still is not effortless; I still need to fight for ever millimeter and there is a long part before which I know I am on a track where it just is a matter of further pressure to continue to depth, by which I mean, having the 12 cm mark I made on the dilator be level with my inner labia. When I know it is just a matter of going further like that, I usually start Netflix again and watch more Star Trek until I have stayed at depth 15-25 minutes and it is time to put a new placeholder in. The issues before seem to take place when the placeholder only is covered with estriol, nothing else – it then more easily falls out and I think it is the estriol cream dissolving the pad tissues some. So far those placeholders don’t last the night, so perhaps I should just dilate with the estriol but use collagenase and antibiotics on the placeholder even then. Will see. Less blood is a good sign, but I am beginning to feel constantly a little sore from the exercise. I assume this will continue. Actually now soon time for second dilation of today. I look forward to having it done with, it is exciting and important but it is also a chore!

I think perhaps this was the first dilation almost 100% without anything resembling blood. Saw nothing in the rinse water (but probably there was) nor on the dilator. I can only conclude healing seems to be proceeding further. Still nontrivial to get the dilator in though.

Once more almost fully clear fluid rinsing before dilation. The fluid around the placeholder has a soft pink clouding in places, and I have no idea if it is residue from the salves, wound fluid or both. Either way, I think this must indicate that there is healing all throughout my vagina, one way or the other. No hematomes or clear swelling or open wounds on the outside, though it still stings subtly where the lips and edges press against the pads, and the pads get stained slightly pink too which I am uncertain where it comes from, if that too is vaginal discharge or if seams (including ones under the hood around the clitoris) are leaking any wound fluids still. That said, it is far less than before. Swelling is still there but in the last days, no problems with urine leakage, I think reduced swelling and thus reduced kinesthetic caution gets me better at pelvic floor tension. Placeholder is still a major hassle when urinating as it risks falling out unless I hold it in place, and the urine stream is still completely unpredictable, and presumably will continue until the outer lips cease to be swollen, so that I can steer better. That is still where I have the most sensation of bruising; outer lips and inside/beyond them. Waking up and needing to go to the bathroom, there is also swelling in there which reminisces of the same swelling back when I had outie anatomy and were in the same situation, so that is probably where some of that tissue went. Placeholder seems to predictably fall out when there is estriol cream in the vagina, so I blame the solvent for that cream, but accept the possibility and need to perhaps put a new placeholder in upon waiting at night. I am less scared of making mistakes, so now I just put one in using a single glove and no further equipment except for building it. Plus feeling safer in using gloved fingers to push it in, to direct the hose inside for the douching/rinsing, and for preparing the way for the dilator. I don’t think I could distinguish the sensation of putting a finger inside myself (on the finger side, that is) from the sensations I recall from doing so with cis lovers in the past, so I am quite impressed also in this regard with the surgeon; it may have paid off to select my world-wide preferred option despite substantial obstacles. Still sensing edges between skin segments but I am proudly Frankensteinian where I have to be. I hope that relatively soon (within a few weeks at least) I might get the clear for no longer douching, and/or ceasing with the creams in favor of just lubricant. That would make everything less cumbersome. More still, I long to no longer need the placeholder, but it is possible I will have to use that until the second surgery in six months. If so I will roll with that, I can cope. Finally, a question to friendlies who have used tampons – is feeling painful squeezing around those when one sneezes or coughs a thing, or is this something which hinges on the musculature still being inflamed? Sending joy on this second advent to those who celebrate that!

Second dilation of the day. Worked well, but this is the first time I feel some muscle pain afterwards, and I am somewhat worried maybe I push asymmetrically in some risky way? Well, it will be fine. I notice that entering works better if I angle my hips differently.

So, my guess on the weirdness of apparently melting pads is that actually it is the solvent of the estriol cream just making it hard for the placeholder (which is a compress stuffed into a condom covered on the outside with salve) to stay in the vagina, it is pushed out in a way it is not when there is other creams involved. Even if I change it (making a new placeholder and gradually more boldly just using gloved fingers to push it back inside me; I am very glad that confidence is increasing), the remaining estriol cream still makes it glide out, at which point it glides up and feels uncomfortable nestled between pad and the top of the vulva, especially since the cream feels slightly skin irritant. I am now resigning to the fact that I need to change placeholders 1-2 times during the night to reflect this after using estriol for the late evening dilation. Eagerly awaiting when I shall no longer need these particular healing aids. Meanwhile, discharge remains white-ish with minimal or no blood, but fairly abundant; cannot tell however how much is creams and salves unabsorbed, and how much actually comes from my body. I sort of hope this is a sign that now finally some of the deep graft (though contracted – I don’t think I can dilate through it) is settling and healing, with this being some sort of leukocyte discharge, but I should keep watch for colour changes that could indicate a bacterial infection (though the nitrofurazone should keep that down). Hoping it too will reduce. I will try to use smaller amounts of cream to see if that consequently reduces discharge. On the macro scale, due to scheduled phone interviews, it took longer for me to get started this morning and I will soon go to first dilation of the day, needing to space them out now with only 3-4h between as I must also be up early tomorrow to receive craftsmen who will fix the wall in my bathroom. A little concerned over that – while urine leakage problems (which I very much believe comes from the swelling of the area) are only an issue when bladder is near full, I don’t relish the thought of urgently waiting for them to finish so I can go. I will find some solution though, I always do. This, obviously, another reason I am eager to see healing continue (and I will feel much relieved when I know those issues have disappeared – they are apparently very common at this stage (as surgery is similar in scope to prostate removal in terms of involved impact), but among the scariest side effects; surgeon confirmed it is safe to gently begin doing Kegel exercises though and I should look into those). Seeing myself day-by-day, just-woken-up casual in tights and top does feel nice though. It is gradually sinking in what my body can be now, and I am glad to be embodied by it and explore myself as such. Right now, answering simple emails post-coffee, post-interview, pre-dilation and sitting cross-legged for the first time since the surgery. Some tension but no pain and I feel the caffeine beginning to work and gradually see the world shining in more and more colours of potential. Life is good. Love to you all! ♡

For the first time, wearing a pair of panties (boyshorts, no-frills, pragmatic) that pre-op did not fit and the simplicity of this feels very calming. Can’t stay up too long because I need to wake up earlier than I want to receive craftsmen. But need to dilate before sleep. And did so not much more than an hour already, and still feel a bit sore. Meh. I will find a balance. Staying active a while longer, then do it again.

Today was a bit logistics-complex; slept only 5h; welcomed craftsman who just took measures and made a new appointment for a week later. I napped for some more time to get out of sleep deprivation mode, then went on a long walk to pick up a letter. It felt good but tiredness prevails. Second dilation, was uncertain how deep I went, may have pushed a bit too hard to compensate, and there was a bit of tissue washed out when rinsing before, and a bit of blood on the bed cover afterwards. Not much compared to before but after a few days of no blood, still a bit scary, though I sort of know this is just me being anxious, and that it falls within normal range, and that if I have healed all the things so far, I can heal any such too. Lots of yellow-gray-white discharge. I think this also is largely a good sign, but if it changes colour or does not eventually fade, will contact gynecologist; otherwise I see him in less than two weeks. One more dilation tonight, will watch carefully then to see what my state is. On a nicer level, walking outside felt largely uninhibited. The main feeling that is still weird is the swollen sensation of the venus mound and upper labia, somehow within/behind; it feels like a bruise healing which is probably exactly what it is, and I am very curious on how it will feel when it has subsided. I tried for the first time to gently part inner lips and got a glimpse of my clitoris, I think – looks healthy and actually smaller than I thought (and this felt weirdly soothing, I probably worried it was not); below is the area with urethra and so on, still very swollen and with asymmetries I still don’t understand fully, but looking forward to learn as healing continues. As noted, still somehow worried re: the small bleeding, re: discharge, re: fear of loss of depth and so on, but in practice, I actually think healing might just be going well. Sending you all love!

I really am in an interesting state of weariness. I should remember that I may still run out of energy, more easily than otherwise.

Third dilation. Some minor bleeding in the first rinse water, but none during or after dilation itself. According to surgeon, I can soon try to see if I can fit the Bones dilator, but before that, I want to learn reliably how to find the right angle to enter. I will. A little more blood today. Not sure if from deep parts or vestibule. Emailed surgeon to ask advice but don’t actually believe it dangerous. Also I am now a month post-op and that still feels surreal and wonderful. ♡

I feel so far persistently euphoric over the surreal and wonderful fact that it actually happened, that I actually did it, and now get to live on as who I have become thereby, and as who I will end up becoming. This alone is almost intoxicating, independent of all else. I keep listening to the wonderful surgery playlist friends and partners helped make for me, all throughout this period of recovery, whenever I can take in music: https://t.co/dshOZqW2Zd

I’m blessed for the cis woman friends who have shared with me their experiences around the sometimes messy realities of menstrual hygiene, as this helps me normalize and navigate the sometimes messy realities of SRS aftercare. We’ve got this. It’s OK. I feel in place. ♡

A little concerned that I still have not worked out how it is that I succeed in dilating. It always works, but it is like 10 minutes before I find some magical angle where I am able to push and slowly feel the dilator enter without too much pain, and I cannot really distinguish the angle much from any other angle (except it is more vertically down than I would expect). Once I find that, reaching depth or staying at depth is not difficult with the small Kirk-sized dilator (which I think is 25mm in diameter?). But it is certainly not yet possible to just push it in. Have not tried much of prepwork, nor have I tried an even smaller dilator just for this purpose (and perhaps I ought to look for a smaller such, either in stores or if one languishes in the sex toy box I have not cared to open for some years of relative disinterest. It would increase morale to know the issue is just that even Kirk is too large to just push inside without preparation, and I might be able to learn more about the angle of my insides with something that does not fill the space fully. Hidden behind these thoughts, of course, is some fear I will always be so tight that any lover has to similarly keep on trying to protein dock my active site, as it were, in order to get inside me. But this is just two weeks into dilation, also. Still lots to learn and change and work on. That said, I will find a smaller dilator still (well, dildo really, but serving a solely medical purpose shall make it a dilator) and use that to try to learn more about the anatomy I have been granted, so as to make regular dilation easier. I wonder what I shall call it, if so? Its small size here is wholly a feature and nothing that bothers it. Which TOS character might be secure enough, take pride enough, it that? I also wonder, is this something one also learns with a paleovagina over time, or does the ability to receive come spontaneously without effort? I suspect the latter, but this too is something that a smaller tool may help me test.

Raided my old sex toy box and found lots of gloves and condoms which will come in handy now for further dilation in the next months. Also a very tiny penetration toy. That does go in without much challenge, so I would conclude that the challenges with the Kirk dilator are not general, but rather because it is large relative to my current size. Hence it is probably a matter of training more than anything else, and possibly more training than technique, even if angle matters. I bleed a bit each time now, just a few pink drops seeping out, and I think it is from some point ca 10 cm in because when I push there, I hear like a popping and feel fluid moving. Might be a blister under the skin, or some sort of granulation. Worrying it is the edge between grafts and that it could worsen from dilation, so I want to know if I should just continue and expect it to heal, or if it needs attention. I don’t want to skip out on depth needlessly as then I might lose depth. So now emailed the surgeon and hoping I get an answer. If not, I might go see the gyno ahead of our Dec 21 appointment. Worrying mind is thinking of graft edges unravelling or somehow pushing through into the the intestines, but I think I would probably be hurting more if that was the case, as well as have proper full bleeding but this is just small amounts and no pain. Still, need to investigate and resolve it, and I will. On positive notes, remaining blackened patches on outer lips faded and now it is just scars from suture edges which I think will fade further (and that the second operation will also change). Also some odd sensation when I woke of feeling swollen, around urethra and outer lips, but I actually suspect now it might not be more swelling than before, but that part of the outer lips now are less inflamed (after sleeping long) and that I feel the edges of the swelling better because of that contrast. Will see. If so, I hope to experience even more reduced swelling soon, feeling like the whole area softens and ceases to tense. Curious of what will come in this healing process.

One bad thing about lockdown for me is that I cannot see my electrologist, and there are still scattered strands of coarse hair on my face, even after three years of hair removal; not visible from any distance but there to the touch. A few more months of electrolysis should remove the last of those follicles, but right now, that is inaccessible, meaning they need to be either pulled or shaven, and the former may perhaps delay permanent removal, so I avoid it (though I prefer the satisfaction of pulling unwanted hair up by the root). However, I note that these smaller glitches of my body, while still uncomfortable and something I will address as soon as I can, are far easier to endure after the operation. Such a major source of dysphoria has been removed that enduring the smaller ones for a time is substantially easier, reduced baseline suffering, easier containment. This gladdens me.

Mind/blown moment. With slightly less swelling somehow, I can keep my legs largely together when sitting down to urinate. If I do, it goes _downwards_? And _doesn’t_ spill over my thighs the way I would expect? And this makes it far less messy and the stream far better controlled and coherent? And might even make the likelihood of the placeholder slipping out smaller, as I don’t have to spread my legs so much? I should have realized that before, but still had the expectations from living with an “outie” anatomy, where (at least for me), this was not a possibility, I always sat down but with my legs slightly spread. Eager for this learning of body functions 101 to continue. Feeling blessed to get to learn and evolve.

A little more bleeding this dilation, and my anxiety moves a little around that. I think perhaps I was shedding some small skin fragments. This makes me think perhaps this is part of the graft. I worry though, is there a risk for more damage? Should I do anything differently? No response from surgeon yet, we shall see. If it gets worse, maybe I will try hitting the gynecologist up on Monday. Probably this is just anxiety, and the extent of any bad outcome bounded, but I will look forward to when it is resolved. Will sleep soon.

Surgeon says, probably granulation tissue and not dangerous, so I will simply persevere in my penetrative stance. 🙂

The more time I spend with my revised body, the more it is beginning to sink in that it is me, and I feel really really good about that. The process of rediscovery and embodiment is working, and this feels right.

I think I shall try out the Bones dilator tonight, though it is scary because it really is substantially larger. Probably need to do it in stages, first do Kirk, then try Bones immediately after. Might not be able to take it yet and I won’t hurt myself just to try. Also having watched until Star Trek TOS: S01E25, and only watching while a dilator is either fully inside me or close enough that I know it is simply a matter of pressure, I can say with confidence I have spent ~25h dilated so far. Timekeeping is good.

Following 15 minutes with the Kirk dilator, I was able to insert the Bones dilator almost to depth, and kept it there for 20-25 minutes in the hope it would start to feel relaxed. It did not, yet, but I think Kirk was equally difficult to start with. Being so filled up is a most peculiar and almost emotional sensation, and I am shaking now, afterwards. It lingered on the edge of pain, but never fully crossed it. I have to confess that on some level, I enjoy the dilation sessions, for some complex mixture of reasons that both involve achievement, challenge, pride, self-knowledge and some combination of both red and black lusts; the sensation affects me and I feel somehow similar relaxation as I have from painful hair removal. This feels meaningful and useful. I grow and learn. Much love! ♡

Dilated a second time with the larger Bones device and it hurts relatively less and enters relatively easier. Still a bit of blood first, with Kirk, but not later, with Bones. However, something a little weirder; for first time (since early), the urethral skin in between that opening and the vagina ends up red and swollen and protruding, looking a little weird. I think this is the urethral bulb sometimes described for Schaff surgeries, and apparently a very common thing changed in the followup surgery, just as the “dog ears” of extra skin on top of the outer lips. It is fine but a little concerning as with so much swelling, I feel worried it’s something that could become hurt if handled casually. But probably it will both fade with time and also, again, will be changed in revision. It would be a little weird to have something that resembles a glans so much in the middle of the vestibule, beneath the clitoris, but I must remember this is still early in. More relevant, why this swelling now? In all likelihood, increased pressure on the edges from having the much larger dilator inside. Should also get easier with time. I am absolutely making progress, and if this continues, then I feel confident I will eventually be widened and relaxed enough at baseline that I will be able to receive penetration without so very much hassle. Still swollen, I notice. If it does not go down relatively soon, I suppose I shall worry a little but in the worst case, I can always go to my gynecologist tomorrow for help. Cannot see any real risks with it staying swollen, however.

Feeling still sore (in a muscle sense mostly, I think?) four hours later, somehow, but I should soon try again. Dreading it a little but I know I will feel good from it once I have started.

Dilating getting a little easier each time, newest trick: enter from a lower angle, breathe in and out to relax, and don’t try to push piece by piece, just gently apply pressure leading to an entry millimeter by millimeter. Keeping Bones inside getting easier each time. However, it is not a neutral sensation. Some sort of wordless and calm but tense mood is there, comes over me, making me wonder if vagus nerve reads the PC muscles somehow. I rather like it and it makes me curious how the same things could feel in another framing. My vestibule ends up swollen afterwards though it is likely because of tension and blood flow. Also, Star Trek TOS remains more interesting than I thought, sometimes darker. Fascinating irony in an episode involving parasites controlling through pain with Spock experiencing the pain but as a Vulcan choosing not to let it control him, very relatable throughout the present. But at the same time an insight, how traumatic it must be for the million people on the infected planet, spending eight months being controlled by the parasites inducing pain? Not because of the pain, but because it must be so damaging to sense of self to habitualize being controlled by it, responding to it by obedience, having one’s self image perhaps shifting as a result, losing belief in one’s own autonomy. Frightening thought, and all the more reason in the immediate and “real” to try to maintain a state where one does not casually surrender integrity before pain, just to keep on maintaining a sense of agency even in the face of it.

The progress of de-swelling and healing and recuperation and familiarity all work together, and today I clearly sense both that 1) this really is MY body and 2) holy **** I viscerally do prefer this form to what I was like, in the course of practical matters. That feels good.

If I am to make three sessions today, and still make it up for the craftsman, I must dilate again now. I do what I must because I can.

My reasons for choosing (and acting on the choice) to dilate to Stat Trek were manifold, one being the early discovery one of my most admired trans scientist role models apparently speak Klingon, making me already more inclined to want to look the series up as part of my fangirling. But then realizing, given how my attention system works, that unless I do something else at the same time, I would never be able to make myself watch something so low-intensity fully, while at the same time, I would need something for distraction where it is OK to miss out on some details and implications. Hence a good fit (much like my memory foam dilators now have started to change shape from straight rods to bent ones, matching the curvature of my specific vagina) and I am glad of this. Realizing squeezing another session in tonight would be too much (as in, would not have time to sleep), but remembering that at least Suporn instructions mentioned option of 2/3 times/day as long as total time was achieved + noting interval between sessions still is not too long, then at least for today, I just did a longer (in total almost 70 minutes at depth with both dilator) evening session, while watching first episode of second season of Star Trek: TOS. This happens, as it were, to be the ridiculous episode about Vulcan mating practices, the “Pohn Fahrr” madness. There is so much cheese to comment on, in so many ways, ranging from the BDSM/harem guard sub-officiators to the wrong use of old singular you English forms, and the delightful speculation that T’Pau is the grandmother of T’Pol as seen in the Enterprise series. I suppose it works coherently that a species would have sudden-onset mating instincts, and if pheromonal compatibility (at least unilateral male to female) was an aspect, a tradition of pre-prepared mates might (though a stretch) make sense, but so ridiculously patriarchal for a putatively “logical” species, and a weird mating instinct which ends just following the mating fight, and one which they apparently have not bothered to medicate away, even though they are so ashamed of it that they keep it secret? Plot full of holes and unfortunate implications, and betraying the society in which it was written. But more Spock, and an important piece of pop cultural history, and as I lie here still moved from having held the middle-sized dilator inside me while watching it throughout, I suppose it is all quite fitting, under the circumstances, and I am delighted by the set of serpent-eat-serpent set of references and rituals this all forms. Love to all!

Sitting cross-legged for first time since surgery. It is borderline uncomfortable but it works. Also today: steering committee meeting while douching and dilating because that is the reality of my life. :p

And I can keep a laptop in my lap and work with it without it causing too much trouble. Still have the pillow underneath though.

Evening dilation, took it calmly and finished watching TOS first mirror zone episode. Almost no tinge of bleeding and I have hopes perhaps when I see my gynecologist Monday, that I may have healed inside. Separated my folds fully for the first time and saw my clitoris fully. The edges to what surrounds it are unbroken and unstitched, and I think must correspond to the glans corona. However, it forms a structure like a formed tongue almost, with a split down the middle where I think these parts were joined, and I am a little disconcerted with that, especially in case I am at risk of harming the healing of that split somehow. It then ties directly into the segments beneath it of the vestibule, which I believe are urethral originally, and there is a flap of this sort of tissue down by the which often hurts a little during dilation, becoming clearer in distinction as the suture scars heal more fully. Feeling a little worried with these segments where I clearly can see the edge where they were joined, worrying rough movement might tear them. But I also realize this is five weeks into healing only, and all of these edges will gain strength and integrity over time, and I think likely these are also (beside the “dog ear” excess skin on the outer lips, and what, if anything, is needed with the graft inside that the second operation would concern. That said, even as I am, and even unhealed fully, I look more like my past lovers than I had expected, and I know (and will read more on) how variable even cis women are in this anatomy. Even as I am now, I am glad of how I look and feel, and with dilation steadily becoming easier – entry becoming easier, especially if I breathe in and out, and feeling less urgency from having the dilators in, even the mid-sized one. I must ask for when to try the large one also on Monday. And I will ask to verify I am not missing anything I should be doing in terms of caring for the healing of the clitoris (in particular, whether I should apply cream there as well, currently I do not and was instructed not to). It will be good to be looked over so I know all is on track. And I am beginning to hope that perhaps I have enough depth as it turned out that there will be no need for any further grafting inside during the second operation. Swelling feels like it has gone down more in the last days specifically, and I sense this not least in that I can now clench my vagina at will; it does not hurt (except when filled with something, at which point it hurts a little still) and I feel the contrast better between clenched and relaxed. These are truly exciting times of healing and I find some fascination in realizing that for better or worse, dilating during some phone meetings will likely be an unavoidable and recurring scheduling reality during the next six months. I will spare others knowledge of that, however. After two days of waking early, I now look forward to a long sleep and a slow awakening tomorrow. Love to all! ♡

It’s a gradual recognition. I am somewhat affected still by feeling that in this part, I still look quite different from a cis woman, though an onlooker must be more intimate than during most sex in order to notice. I also cannot know yet how further healing and followup will change me further. I believe it will all be good though. And having this time be more unstressed than since very long is very good for me also.

Did not sleep well, so was somewhat worn by the time I made it to gynecologist, but it was good. Speculum is still DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE but that is OK. He says slit in clitoris is from where stitches were and that it should heal up in time, probably, and otherwise confirms healing is proceeding. Deep inspection showed a granuloma by the bottom of the vagina, which is likely what has been bleeding, and he applied silver nitrate to this (not painful as such but still enough for me to close eyes and fourfold breath), then said to leave alone until evening, and then dilate and insert new placeholder. Recommended smaller amounts of estriol to not have placeholder fall out, and to now shift to only douching once per day, then in a month, stop douching entirely to build up the vaginal microbiota. This all is good as the douching is the really cumbersome part, and having hopes maybe the silver nitrate now will help having fixed the bleeding. Walking around during day without placeholder felt freeing, though there is still a sense of swelling or obstruction in certain movements, and I don’t know if that derives within the labia, vestibule or vagina. It should go down with time though. All in all, feels like all good news re: my healing. Went home and napped 12-17, and am now still tired, and maybe I even have a bit of a cold. I should rest properly once more to restore and recharge, looking forward to that, should allow myself that kindness next now. Love to all! ♡

The more I heal, the more do everyday experience of living as my changed body bring me these flashes of euphoria. Impressions of myself from within and without feel like being home, not necessarily a familiar place but a safe place. I make sense this way.