META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.
TW/TMI/TLDR: Fucked Around And Found Out // Actual sex with another person, details – do not read if not comfortable learning of. Due to combination of 1) needing to find out how well what surgery gave me works in practice before revision and 2) honestly beginning to feel libido making a modest enough comeback, and be so undilutedly pleasant now that I don’t want to ignore it any longer I went on dating apps. One communication now resulted in meeting up with a nice nerdy boy (who, as it turns out, isn’t actually straight at all, but since he swiped me thinking I was a cis woman, this fact does not bother me as it would had he known about it). We talked over a few days and it gave me butterflies and it seems we have enough in common to be actual good friends, plus seeming to be actually provisionally mutually attracted, based on each others’ photos. Today we met, went for a nice walk, had food, wine conversation, cuddles and sex. It is the first time I am interested this way in a man, the first time I go this far sexually with a man, the first time I feel open to the possibility of it continuing in some form with a man, and the first time I have sex with another person since surgery, and the first time I feel like I could be unreservedly present as my body during such intimacy. Aside from confirming experimentally that I definitely am bisexual, I learned a lot about how I now function, but perhaps more importantly it all just felt really, really, really good and I carry that with me still and I feel alive and I feel manifest and present. In terms of ritual, aside from work meetings with various steering committees, I spent the afternoon burning incense in my recently cleaned apartment (another first since surgery) to cleanse it further and just before we met up, I read “The Courtship of Dumuzi and Inanna”. Where “The Huluppu Tree” gave me ritual context for the surgery that let me be this body, “The Courtship…” now gave me ritual context for awakening it. I am virgin no longer. Maiden still, when I desire, but I claim the next stage of embodiment and participation in the world, in the image of Inanna. Maybe I am becoming arrogant, maybe even annoying. But I choose my myth and I choose to live it. In any case, it was wonderful. I felt present, participating as an equal, listening to, reacted to, but also positioned, handled, stimulated. Having his tongue on my sex felt better than I had imagined, and next time I will make him continue that until I cross over. As it was, felt already like an altered state. His fingers inside me were a mixed sensation as I am still very tender there, but far more pleasure than anything else. I liked his genitals too, which surprised me, I enjoyed touching and tasting him there, even deciding to let him climax in my mouth and taste his seed; it was far more pleasant a taste than I remember from some distant past of self-experimentation. That decision was not taken wholly lightly as it always comes with some risk. To be honest I believe him when he say he was recently tested, but I didn’t make the decision based on that belief (which can always be false) but rather due to being on PrEP. Going forward, I will continue to make those decisions on a case by case basis I think. And we also both COVID tested negative before, but this likewise would not be enough, I would not do this were it not for having so far one of the vaccine shots, with the next coming soon. It was, in any case, the least neurotic and least anxious such experience I can remember ever having. In some sense, I claim the agency to make such calls and decisions with open eyes. In terms of most relevant data collection, I also requested and received him penetrating me, this with barrier protection. It was not entirely trivial; finding the right angle took time, maneuvring him with fingers and I don’t think we got it fully right yet; I don’t think we reached even my modest depth this time, and it too had some mixture of greater amount of pleasure together with lesser amount of pain. But it felt better and better the more we did it, and as I anticipate being more with him in the future, I think we will learn ways of angling and aiming and preparing me such that I will reach those depths also. And regardless, this already felt incredibly good and fulfilling. In the end, after what I guess might be about 2-3h, I crossed over also with the help of my vibrator, while the nerdy boy held me, and we relaxed together until he had to leave to go feed his cat. I stayed, took a shower, and now wrote this, still feeling happy and serene and empowered somehow, despite learning bad news from out in the world. Feeling so intensely for some time, and knowing that I can, helped and stayed with me. He told me, and I believe him, that he could tell no difference between my parts and those of cis girls he has been with, and I feel absolutely affirmed in choosing the surgeon I did. I had worried I would smell or taste bad, but he assured me I was very neutral in that sense, and again I believe this. In terms of body image, embodiment, various symbols and emotions and ways of relating to myself and the world, while on one hand mating like this might seem banal, trivial, I sincerely feel like the experience let me take important steps in evolving my self-perception and therefore my way of being in the world, and it absolutely will affect my going forward, not least that I intend to see him again and have more nice walking and conversation and food and cuddling and sex, whether that ends up acquiring any label or not. Mostly I still feel high from the experience of being at peace within a dynamic situation of bodies interacting without any inhibitions whatsoever, of staying perfectly in the moment for hours at an end. I welcome summer. I praise Goddess on this path of embodiment.
(bonus 1) The experience also makes me eager to be with a vulva-endowed lover again, as I think that too will be similarly empowering while also feeling much better than it ever has in the past, for several reasons primarily including feeling more secure.
(bonus 2) Fascinatingly, my past experiences were useful in that I could be guided from them by just switching which person would be me and which my lover. Concrete experiences, regarding logistics and flow of events and how to move and what to do, were largely applicable.
Applied a vaginal pH gel without looking and now somehow not sure if I put the applicator where it should or if I somehow got it into the urethra instead. Weird. Hopefully not going to cause trouble if so?
Feeling like my life is charmed, then realizing I did give both pleasure and pain to Inanna as sacrifice, so they are now sanctified to Her. Running in the warm, nice night with Sovietwave remixes in my headphones, seeing the golden angel statue of victory, I felt Her touch on my life, in steering it in Her image. A strongly spiritual slow journey home. Had what must be called a de facto second date, the first day of sundresses and sandals. It was good. While cut short a little in that nerd boy needed to handle some drama with his nesting partner (upon which I offered to give him space, and he thankfully accepted), that took place already after we had spent enough time naked and touching that I already was beginning to feel myself coming down again, so it was really not a bad time and so further contributed to that feeling of Inanna being with me. Still navigating and working out what feels safe enough to do (and right now, that seems to be, keep PIV with condoms only but all else relaxed – curious where other women draw their lines). This time he did not go inside me that way or with fingers, but we rubbed against each other and I learned more and exciting ways to take him in my mouth, which it surprises me I am so enthusiastic about, I had not thought it could be so pleasant to do. More relevant still by way of learning, I climaxed (not the strongest I have had but not weakest either) for the first time without a mains-powered vibrator, while straddling his head and rubbing against him licking me. Once the elusive right state was reached that was fast and again without any painful oversensitivity afterwards, no need from my end to halt or even slow play, and I probably could have reached there again if we had continued for another couple hours. I had worried maybe only literal power tools could let me, but really it seems to be a matter of finding just the exact right approach in the specific situation. Worries over hurting are fading more and more. So again, sense of charmed life. In terms of what I am now able to experience and be present in with regards to lust and pleasure, I really do feel sanctified, reborn. I was never able to feel and act quite like this, either in terms of being at peace while losing myself in motion and touch, or in terms of actual responses. I give praise to Inanna for being blessed to have the chance to live this, be this, feel this. I feel alive and the future excites me. Praised through word and deed be the Queen of Heaven and Earth!
A little embarrassed over how much I find muscles on others to be a turn-on. Am I so shallow? I guess. *shrug*
First heavier exercise post-op and first time wearing tights that actually fit tight also between the legs. Incredible sense of my moving body having shape and boundaries. So I need more exercise and I need more well-fitting tights. Will probably end up wearing them casually.
I feel usually afraid to claim cyclicity because I fear being challenged and shot down or told I appropriate it, or of just being wishfully thinkingly wrong. But I can’t recall these odd periods of being affected like this before transition, and I can’t really explain them well otherwise. Though I also don’t know if they really follow a regular cycle. Time will tell. But mostly, frustrated right now over how much a mess I feel. Weeping over sentimental shit, binging comfort food and feeling how I can’t even but at the same time I have to finish this tonight, but it’s so hard to concentrate or to force focus. Ugh. Even more reason to start a PMDD research project though. If we can understand it in cis women, we can see if any of the mechanisms operate in trans women too.
Went running wearing properly fitting tights for first time and it’s probably hard for anyone not having experienced the difference to know how great this feels. Lacking better words, I sense for the first time clearly that my legs go all the way up. So happy this was possible.
I have the second step of the surgery in three weeks, and while I look forward to resting for a few days, and for the work to be completed, I feel surprisingly serene to the point of unconcerned about it, compared to how much of a feverish mess I was before the first operation. A lot of factors play a role in this, not least, I think, that the entire journey has changed me fundamentally in a lot of ways, that by and large I cherish and welcome and am thankful for. A little nervous about yet another full sedation, but after verifying surgeon will, as he put it, “leave intact everything which functions well”, I am less nervous about the procedure itself or the recovery. Maybe this is what it is like when one is pregnant with one’s second child.
Sex feels transformative now. I learn new ways I can experience pleasure each time and tonight it finally felt like I could let go and not think but just do and feel. I don’t remember ever feeling that to anywhere near this degree. Or feeling like my whole body is active and taking part. Apparently I do get stretched after a while and then a well-endowed gentleman can go deeper and I have no words for the combination of feelings evoked. Receiving head feels unbelievably good and I climaxed from 30sec of touching myself with fingers after he pulled out to come on top of me. Nothing in my experiences through two decades of being sexually active prepared me for this. I can only say that being free from genital dysphoria is a truly major and foundational thing. Whatever happens, this is so healing. I literally feel too good and relaxed now to force myself to be effective with anything useful. I might just do something restful and fun. THIS IS SO WEIRD but it is not a bad thing or state. I guess there must be emotions involved somehow? I felt tears almost coming for a while as he was inside me, and if we had continued that part longer, I might have wept fully. In cathartic rather than sad sense. I saw just that in others but never got this close to it myself before. I have no words for this. I am just happy and relaxed right now.
On train, coffee in veins, processing last night. His girth left me a bit sore today and I take secondary pleasure in that. Beginning to realize why all this moves me so much. We have (usually) instincts around sex, that is why our societies are organized around it so strongly. And _good_ sex causes always _some_ form of emotions beyond a superficial level. Before now, I never had that with men. As such, on some level I may have considered intimacy with them a replacement for intimacy with other women, a novelty or transgression something incomplete. But here I have sensually and emotionally no real reservations, and it is dawning on me that if I were to take my androphilia as seriously as my gynophilia at the highest level, my heart and body might not put up the reservations I thought as we remain somehow deeply different to the weird heuristics of my social cortex, while compatible – I don’t understand men any better just because I want their company and attention and anatomy. I remain bi and polyamorous. But I don’t feel I can treat my relationships (loosely defined) with men as any less serious than those with women? And as I write this I realize this is what invoking the second of Inanna’s initiation rituals have meant. “The Courtship of Inanna and Dumuzi” means exactly this for a woman, that Dumuzi in his way is as important, or almost (were it not for his treachery), as Ninshubur. This is what the magic I invoked has wrought in me. Praise be Inanna, Queen of Heaven and Earth!
For a multitude of reasons, experiencing a baseline salience of sexuality and activation that is almost distracting. I am enjoying that, however.
Had a great language learning experience keeping the whole “let’s go to my place and have sex” part of the date in German. My skills are limited but sufficed for that and it feels empowering. Even more so, however, was the entirely unexpected experience of actually coming during vaginal penetrative intercourse. Some effort required stretching me out (still largely through initial phase feeling uncomfortable and keeping a hand between us so he would not get too deep) but eventually as I was riding him I felt a slow, inevitable buildup to climax and I DID NOT BELIEVE THAT WOULD BE EVEN POSSIBLE OMG. But it was and I kept laughing and kissing his sweaty forehead and continuing to ride him until he pulled out to come on my chest… I think. Not quite sure where it went. But feeling very, very satisfied, and happy, and confused, and relaxed, as I linger here after he left. Incredible. This life was possible somehow. And we even sort of talked about some semi-relevant stuff. Huh.
(Six hours later, my boat of heaven feeling something much like muscles sore and stiff from a workout and… the soreness itself is pleasant and I feel a desire to be penetrated again, sooner rather than later? I am seriously coming to crave this kind of thing, huh. Interesting.)
So I took a picture of my surprisingly blonde south on request from a girl considering my surgeon, just a snapshot in the moment without much care, and liked it so much I put it up in my fetlife gallery. Truly an unfolding of personality like a (thot?) origami flower, here.
(The idea of having nude pictures of myself on the internet even in remote and protected communities has, so to say, not always felt very comfortable to me. 😀 )
Since little over a day, painful sensation as of guts distended with solids, but where this largely is not the case. Unless higher up, slight constipation maybe. Nothing in diet to explain. Distressing but not intolerable. Combined with slight chills, nausea, headache though each minor. Gut aspect made sleep harder. Anyone familiar with these symptoms?
Watching my sexuality unfold and evolve is sometimes even a little scary because I find that as it feels so good, I am beginning to act more out of desire and less on grounds of careful risk assessment. Those who have observed me long may recognize this as quite a major change. (It is remarkable how transformative this is. As in, really quite wild. Lots of weird evolution other teenagers underwent begins to make sense where it did not before. Had not quite expected that. How deep does this rabbit hole go?)
My confidence has increased.
Going in and under within the next 72h. I guess I AM nervous. I just have not felt that at all consciously. It’s just there like a vague background jumpiness, like I know there is a storm cloud somewhere. The heart is what it is. I cherish this life I was blessed with.
Bringing two tarot decks and one 3D printed altar tablet to the hospital.
Maybe cringe but I listened to this song a thousand times while I waited, and then last time en route to clinic, and now revisiting once more, winter-to-summer: https://t.co/JcdKcXW2c6 “We’ve come a long way since that day // And we will never look back at the faded silhouette”
The wind is my friend. En route to Eridu. https://t.co/FwyvXlIrE2
… and today is summer solstice, also.
On plus side: getting a single room again. On minus side: bowel cleanse, so today no food, just fluids, and I am hungry already. ^_^
Settling in. https://t.co/d3qETgKL2O
Customizing my sick bay step by step. Prior experience helps. Listening to the playlist from last time: https://t.co/4LrD7yLaP6
I met with the surgeon and he inspected me. Quick flow of decisions on what to do. I conclude that the depth is sufficient, it is clear I can have penetrative sex at least to some degree and I don’t feel increasing depth further is worth the risk of more severe recovery at this point. I also don’t feel the need to change anything with clitoris or urethra. They work, they are me. There are quirks to my shape and form but those don’t make me dysphoric, they’re just what I look like. So that too is fine. That leaves changes to the labia which the surgeon suggests, basically reducing the excess outer labial skin left for now, and structuring the way in which the inner labia frame my vagina somewhat further. This will happen tomorrow. Fascinating. I guess I am a little nervous?
Main stressor now is from the ban on fluid, food and caffeine, so my system ran on empty all night and it makes for headache and nausea. But then sedation will be all the sweeter. Soon should go in and under. Glorious Inanna, all this is yours in sacrifice.
Recovery begins well, these adjustments were major, although the fresh blood on the padding is scary I have had worse and I trust this flow of things. No catheter, but that makes it a little concerning that as yet I fail to pee despite feeling substantial pressure. I think the pressure may not be “bladder full” but “bladder really sensitive”, while the urethra, though untouched, is swollen in solidarity with the sutures near it. I hope I am doing the right thing by just continuing to drink water. Nurse indicated this was the case.
Catheter in almost as emergency. Did not hurt to have inserted once I relaxed. 1100ml into bag within a minute… hopefully can be rid of it again tomorrow. I think surrounding swelling is issue really. Asked for NSAIDs, might help. I cope and continue.
Catheter out, urination capacity demonstrated. Not without some hint of stinging from the sutures but win some, lose some. 😀
Premature to celebrate because despite catheter out and some urination success, it remained elusive during rest of morning and they had to manually drain my bladder now during inspection. Hopefully will get better during afternoon. I bet it is largely psychological and an inability to relax somehow. Well, cleaning now involved more speculum work and I whined and moaned more than usual, feeling a little ashamed for being so squeamish. Though I feel with the large metal speculum I can feel a painful edge, making me fear it will hurt me while inside. And somewhat painful now after, though surely they would know to avoid doing serious damage. Apparently there is a compress in my vagina, which I suppose is good, removes need for right now to dilate. Goal for rest of afternoon, gain and regain and keep urethral control. And speculating re: specula. I think only one woman surgeon worked with me, but I recall still how she was far more careful, resulting in less pain, than any of the men. Makes me wonder if one needs to have had a speculum inserted before one has the visceral empathy needed to not be so rough with it. Anyone else share this experience?
lost in transition 