fvlmina pvella

Things are again so intense stress-wise I have persistent headache but I can’t let any of it down just yet.

Felt deeply lonely during the Friday, and almost didn’t go out Saturday because I expected to be lonely and sad also at the club. Instead I found a queer sex party/disco in a former squat, and going off of the experiment at the concert last week (project “talk to the cute guy/enby named Leo even though you don’t know each other b/c my friends dared me to”), I spoke with some people even though it seemed like that was intruding.

Meaning I ended up talking to strangers, giving several my card, kissing two, and being dressed down by one to my panties in the darkroom and making out. Which was amazing and felt great, and did so despite the person being a man. It helped that both the guys I kissed looked good and projected enough wokeness to fit into that space.

So I felt my touch starvedness decrease, and my self-identification as also interested in men increase, and was sort of euphoric-yet-headached the day after. I may meet these people at the local BDSM munch again and would certainly play with, and go to this party again.

I left quite early still. Did not want to fully lose sleep. Had I stayed, might have gotten spanked, but that’s for next time. It was then at a stage that I could have asked.

I need to keep on practicing these social skills. And I need to keep going out, putting myself out there.

The one I was in the darkroom with, before we kissed I said “you know I’m trans, right?” and he said he was “fine with that” and seemed to find it endearing I asked. The other one said he did not realize I was until I mentioned it. I don’t know if I can believe it but I liked hearing it. With Darkroom Guy, he wanted to go dance off his high quite soon after we started, but I think that was more him than me. More importantly, I couldn’t have been comfortable going further.

I really want a vagina now so cute people can fuck me in it. I want the casualness sex maybe can have then, once I am healed. I want to be able to get fully naked without dysphoria.

And yes, my social life has evolved to a point now where “going out” means “BDSM club” more than anything else. So be it.

Today I should have worked, but I was freaking out over the uncertainty of a surgery date, that I don’t know it yet. I worry everyone wanting Suporn SRS have web scrapers that autosend request emails and that my watchlist marker will be too slow. So I’ve spent way too long today writing HTML parsers and trying out the gmail API. Still not there but once my workstation runs, I can finalize it.

The existence of a trans girl rite of passage where we have to write a web scraper to schedule SRS has delightful stereotype power for me and I cherish it even while it irritates me. Met early morning with an architect. It will cost to fix my bathroom once they pull the pipes out during refurbishment, but I think it will work out. I can save enough this year to be able to cover that even going for Suporn SRS early next year.

I need a surgery date now. I need to know it, build up towards it, prepare for it.

Part of this will be to fix the rest. Voice therapy starts next month.

Laser today. Hurts very little. Before next time, need to not shave for a week so they can see what hair I actually have left. Will start shaving nipples so I can laser them next.

Going without foundation felt fine. I really do look very smooth now. Not all the way there, but almost. Even going away for laser without makeup felt OK. I feel I can defend my legitimacy even then. May try without foundation more often.

Soon time for sunblock again, and today was the first high-heels day of the year.

grind

It’s not a great day. I think I stress dangerously clear to burnout. Particularly one task (start/finish recrunch of all consortium data) has been delayed so much it physically has been difficult to start it. I’ve not had that before, something anxiety disturbing executive capacity. I need to finish that, temporarily let go of all other duties, and just restore tonight. Eventually.

Suporn clinic accepts my Chettawut recommendation letters. So I am one step closer still!

Drew blood again today to check if levels are as they should with gel regime + some progesterone. So I got out for that. Decided to not be as afraid of the sting – after all, I’ll have IV needles in me within a year from now, not to mention deeply deeply invasive cuts into muscle and skin and nerves, and so many surfaces being raw and healing all at once. It’s time to kick my phobia of needles. I still looked away but it really was easier.

amn aion

Thoughts. Emotions.

So, Suporn clinic got back to me. Seems that my gmail worked better. They say to go elsewhere for severe complications when back home (but in interviews, seem still have fixed it both times fistulas occurred), revision guarantee is mostly cosmetic. Which is still scary.

But there’s no-one with better statistics, or more reputable. This is as safe as I can make it. So I don’t need to make it safer than this.

I’m deciding, I’m going to have SRS with Suporn or his successor as early in 2020 as I can. I have told them this.

I am scared for everything practical. This is really at the border of my available funds, and I don’t know yet (Monday I might) how much renovating the bathroom and swapping out the lead pipes will cost. Likely I’ll have to save up more this year to be on the safe side. Learned that medical expenses may be tax-deductible here in Babylon, but no guarantees and cannot rely on that. And still always fear something will go wrong.

But this is enough certainty, enough preparations to proceed to next step. I’m setting this in motion. Spoke to more work people today. My administrator got an interesting smile on her face she tried to hide when I said I’d be away a few months on medical leave next year. She must understand what this is. I look forward to telling more people and seeing their reactions.

They don’t do surgery if you’re HIV positive. No risks taken this year, from now. Not that I usually do. But this means, keeping fluid safety under control, and should get tested again just to put my mind at ease.

Deadline of the surgery date then for getting bodily into shape, getting voice up somewhat, getting better sleep, all those things. Preparing everything and everyone. So exciting! Motivating. But harsh.

The dates are announced on a website and they go quickly, first-come, first-serve. January dates will be announced maybe in a month. Apparently many write scripts to check this. I installed an app which checks every few minutes. But better would be a script that polls and emails them as soon as there is a good date. Challenge is, I don’t know how to gmail from a script. It’s delightful if it turns out writing a web scraper is a trans girl rite of passage, in line with the programmer stereotype.

But even more, this means I cannot yet be certain. I am exactly like a woman who just decided – narrowly and still scared – she will want to be a mother. She’s just stopped her contraceptives and been come inside, the night before, but there will likely be a few months before she knows for certain she has been impregnated, and only then can she start planning for a birth date, start preparing properly. She too may use apps or calendars to plan this as best she can. She too may worry about the pain or risks, and know she is only certain enough to start this process. Certainty reflected in actions more than consistent emotions.

Then the pregnancy. Taking care of the body, preparing, getting enough sleep and staying healthy, setting up leave, learning what she needs to know. Then birth. I will give birth to myself. Like that woman who hopes to be a mother, I don’t know if I will be among the unlucky few who get serious injuries that might take a lot of effort and searching to heal. We both fear that yet here we are working up to the moment.

And just like I’ll fear to hurt myself during recovery, fussing over every detail, so must every mother worry – will I somehow hurt my child’s development by this or that thing?

We cope with this fear and uncertainty as best as we can. By being real. I will become pregnant with myself, birth myself, nurse myself.

This is powerful and I can follow up on it.

If ever I wrote somethin TERFs would thing was appropriating womanhood, it would be this. Never mind that. This is real.

cusp cryptid

Writing from my other address worked, Suporn clinic got back to me.

I’ll start the process of scheduling SRS with them in the next days.

Seeing the message cleared a lot of the anxiety I had the last few days and kept me fuzzy and warm despite the insane stress right now (two grant proposals, one student thesis, three really major papers, one minor paper, home refurbishment).

Of course I’ll stay anxious and on edge until the moment I go under, I wake up, I am all healed. But that I can move through.

Once there is a date, I will have a deadline. Need body and voice and names and life context and family prepared by then. It will require some work. I will perform that work.

Another dear person (first Avatar of Chaos, my sibling-by-soul) also offered to come. That gets my list of preferred companions to three extremely transformatory, hard-to-pin-down, magical queer loved ones who each impacted me. We’ll see what happens.

anxiae mirabilis

This morning also waking… urgent. Until the Suporn clinic writes back to me – I wrote them a week ago and then on Thursday – I will worry, what if they didn’t like my tone or chose to ignore me, something like that? Irrational but very S. Until I’ve confirmed I can book a date not too far away, and that it’s within my budget when combined with the refurbishment and accounting for uncertainty, so that I know it’s on its way, I’ll be a little anxious. I crave SRS now as soon as I can have it, subject to all my caveats on quality and security and preparing my life properly. I long for it, feel distressed awaiting it. Half wanting to go with Chettawut anyway just to get there quicker. But this, if it works, is probably the right path.

Probably I need this waiting time for confirmation right now, because it presents the necessary thought experimental stimulus. I sense other reservations melting away because the need to get there is quite strong.

stat

This morning is one of… anxiety? Feeling everything is 50% harder and seeing 100% more possible things that can go wrong. Also dysphoric quite a bit, stomach lurching from mirror image. I think the main thing is, I decided to try for Suporn rather than Chettawut and they have not answered me yet, so that feels entirely uncertain, as does the situation with whether I have enough saved at this point enough if surprise home repairs also happen. It all _should_ work out, they should get back to me within a few more days and I can make a plan. Hopefully they will also confirm their USP namely that some revision guarantee still holds so I am not in an actual emergency in case of the rarest possible complications.

But not having a definite surgery date actually grates really heavily on me now, this is interesting. I need to know it’s coming, it’s bounded. I need to know I’ve done all I could. I don’t want to continue with my present anatomy any longer than I have to, by which I mean, really no longer than I have to in the slightest. Inanna, please let me be fixed soon.

conclude

Got to point where I go all Weatherwax and decide. No time to wait around for Godot and perfection. So the way it seems is, fistula is my only remaining worry over SRS, and I am fine with it happening so long as it is fixed. From what I can tell, only one surgeon offer free revisions in any form, namely the Suporn clinic. I could go to Chettawut with probably the same low risks and good expected results, but in the unlikely case of revision I’d need to pay for it, and I don’t have that buffer now. So better to pay 50% extra to start, go with the very most renowned surgeon (or rather his successor), and feel more secure it will work out even in the worst case.

(It would feel extremely awful to have to ask my family for financial support because my SRS went wrong. I need for them to know this is the right thing to do, from start to end.)

So looking into that now. Documentation will not be an issue, my therapist can provide it and they likely would accept my letters for Chettawut too. Dates are unclear, this will possibly delay my plans but the “must be healed by 40” fervor is less important than doing it right. Still want to if I can. Shouldn’t be much further ahead anyway. Waiting for responses.

Cost is a little challenging. I have the means but I also just learned I will have unavoidable home renovation costs in the next months, which I don’t know yet how large they will get. So I’m looking at needing to keep some check on my expenses during the year, until I reach a point where again I am comfortable having a buffer. I don’t like that sort of uncertainty but working with uncertainty is what I must do now.

Also my water pipes apparently ARE lead. They will be replaced, this is part of that unavoidable home renovation cost. I wonder if I have damaged myself during this past year by drinking so much water at home? Hopefully I’ll recover. Seem to still be able to function, at least.

plaster

So the mental processing continues with regards to SRS.

I think now I’m quite OK with the thought of a relatively low risk of loss of sensation, and a relatively low risk of persistent pain. And I’m OK with the mad spiral of pain and fear and challenge which will be recovery. And I consider risk of death a non-issue.

Remaining then is the fear of being handicapped through fistula, specifically having to have colostomy. Suporn says his frequency has been 0.1% and that they fixed it both times. Swedish study showed 1% risk. Chettawut didn’t say how often it had happened, but guessing it will be intermediate. He did say that risk depended on care taken while dilating and depth, and that they had fixed with with colovaginoplasty when it had happened.

This still is my main fear. I have to face a 0.1%-1% risk of having to have a second severe surgery with even more complicated recovery, or even its failure and having to nurse a very shame-loaded handicap. This feels like the main obstacle still in the way.

Going by projection, I’m going to conclude I’ll go through with this anyway and then I’m going to do it. Just need to digest.

cwenwulf

Already two years ago I started that playlist, all of it wolf-themed woman electronica. Added the new songs as I remember it exists. Will listen to it during the evening. I feel sense and inhibition both nudge but never mind that. I am alive and I howl at the moon.

Spoke about it all again. What I want:

– Being sexual without the limits of my body. This I probably but not with certainty will get.

– Being not triggered by myself. This I will get.

What I fear:

– Time for work lost in dilation (heh) and pain. This is guaranteed.

– Death or fistula or necrosis. Sufficiently unlikely with Chettawut.

– Loss of sensation and orgasmicity. This is unlikely but cannot be excluded.

What I feel:

– The situation will not change, this here is my one and only life. I have all data I need.

– I am waiting for someone to tell me I get to have SRS, just as with transition itself. I should not.

What I should do:

– Schedule the surgery before this month is over, then see how I feel over that. If I can, I want it just before xmas.

– Then later do the scary thing and let mother know. Wait, is that the scary thing? Seriously?

ertia

There are lead-heavy things in the beauty of our alchemy. Life moves, it’s powerful, I mingle pain and pleasure. I am in love, I feel weariness, I feel pride, I feel fear and I navigate it. Beyond anything else I am indubitably alive, and eternally hopeful.

It seems like these past few months my emotions have undergone a shift. It coincides with progesterone but not with cycle position within that or maybe even dosage. Possibly enough things have happened on many fronts. Whatever the case, I believe perhaps now I am experiencing some form of the increased emotionality I was hoping for from transition.

Basically, when I have fallen in love, it has felt very very powerful and continues to, with corresponding intensity and realness of emotions indirectly attached. I sense this especially because I can see the emotions making me act sometimes rashly or stupidly, without it being trivial to inspect and stop those actions. This is new to me.

Not always practical but I want it nonetheless. I need to work out strategies for monitoring and policing myself better, if I can act on emotion now in this manner. But well worth it for the aspect of being alive.

In terms of SRS prep, spoke with HR to check procedure for “being off work for two months, due to recovery from a surgical procedure done privately in Thailand”, not described in more detail and not needing to. It should work fine, my insurance should cover six weeks (need to verify) and I can combine with holidays + what does it even mean for me to be off work?

So it still feels surreal but I take the steps to test it in the external world. Moving forward. Probably will ask about dates again soon.