META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.
It seems I am able to do my usual slow, silly jogging just as I could pre-op! Time to start doing that again as often as possible. Taking recommendations for other forms of exercise I can do; I aim to become fitter and slimmer while the pandemic lasts basically. (Also seeking recommendations: to use some form of moisturizer for outer labia/posterior commissure, or not?)
Wanting deeply right now to wake up next to someone.
Running (slowly, because I am in poor shape) these last few days has felt amazing, and also provides interesting input from my body. My legs can move however they will without obstacles! And also sensing, still even without placeholder, some degree of swelling or perhaps tension, probably from urethral tissue in vestibule region. I think. Or it just feels that way? The next months will show. It is not uncomfortable and does not feel dysphoric, so either it will change or it will not, and I look forward to learn. Going without pads seems to work, though I find dried discharge in my underwear, not a lot but gradually during the day. Whitish to pink. No idea what fraction is salve and lubricant slowly leaving me post-dilation, and what fraction comes from the upper part of my vagina which is mucosal rather than dermal. It is the same here – it might reduce as I heal, or might not; it is not so much as to be a problem for me either way. I rather hope as much is my own fluids as possible, as that would help me develop a good microbiota and to stay clean.
Got back first blood test results post-op. E2 263 pg/ml (~4h after gel dosage, possibly confounded/elevated by gel placement location), in decent range thus but I really am curious on what spending some time in pregnancy ranges would do for me (in particular, could it conceivably jump-start breast development I have seen in some who gave birth?). Progesterone and testosterone are both undetectable. Will increase my dose of the former. No sign of anemia, which we speculated on as reason for my tiredness lately.
After sleeping long enough it was near 16h after last dilation, and that did mean that there was some slight red discharge on the Kirk dilator. Suspecting it as beginning granuloma punctured again. But not actively bleeding as the subsequent rounds with Bones and Spock dilators did not exhibit this but were clear. Looking forward to gyno appointment Friday, but noting still I should not wait longer than at most 12h between dilations. The next four months should clear that though.
Tried my indoor cycle for first time post-op while listening to a presentation by an idol of mine. It worked overall without incident. Pink discharge phenomenon remaining, but will ask gyno about that on Friday. I assume it is just part of the long slow tail-end of healing.
Gyno visit: I can stop douching. He recommends dilating minimal time with Kirk and Bones, then at least 20min with Spock. That is, to use the smaller ones here only to prepare. I can cease use of the salves when they run out and dilate only with lubricant and panthenol. However, deep end still bleeds on touch. This presumably is what has discharge pinkish. He applied silver nitrate again and I should not dilate again before tomorrow. Did not ask re: exercise but probably should also wait with that until then. If needed we apply AgNO3 again in four weeks and so on until healed. He says it will eventually resolve and I am sure it will. Hoping this now will do it. Worried a little I may close some until tomorrow from missed dilations but honestly I doubt it will cause any permanent loss. It is not like it did last time. I will be fine, I will heal. Otherwise, noting there is only one sitting position that still feels a little uncomfortable, and I can’t tell why really. It should fade. And finally, where left inner lip attaches to vaginal floor there is something like scar tissue, which stings lightly when stretched and is main thing slowing down just taking in a large dilator directly. Candidate for edits in second operation, perhaps. Unless the collagenase may soften it. Not a very large problem, after a while I do not sense it so carefully started PIV should be no problem. Thinking now re: exercise today. Surely my slow jog causes no consternation for the deep vagina? The AgNO3 should have cauterized so wish is to ensure no tearing up what it closed. Unless I dilate there should be no such tearing, staying still to allow initial healing should not be needed? I guess I will see. I really do want to exercise today also. But maybe I should be as careful as I can. Hmmmm.
Gradually acknowledging to myself I have or have had long-standing crushes on several longtime male friends. It’s there in my past behaviour and choices, but in a confused way as I also couldn’t seriously engage with romance or intimacy where I would be read by others as male. Interesting but a little unnerving dark red chunky discharge after the AgNO3 treatment. Might be a good sign though, perhaps it really means the granuloma now finally was burnt off and is shedding.
Hmmm. Dilating again after 24h it took a little longer again to reach depth AND there was some deep bleeding. This has me quite concerned because I fear that to gain the benefit of the damn AgNO3 treatment, I must somehow perhaps avoid tearing the end until it healed but I am also deeply worried that if I slack off on depth, I will lose depth, and the way it feels now, I halfway feel I might still be deep enough for all intents and (PIV) purposes as I currently am, so I really don’t want to risk that unnecessarily. If I still bleed on the next gyno visit, at which point we will AgNO3 again, I must ask if I should avoid going so deep during the subsequent few dilations thereafter, in case that is what is expected. That’s four weeks out though. Part of me worries over how long this healing takes, from a perspective of, is there some risk that the slow progress makes it go worse, or become permanent somehow? But I suppose not. The fact that it bleeds means my body is still trying to seal the deep vagina, and one way or the other, this will eventually resolve. It’s not as though the process detracts from anything I am currently doing, and I don’t think there are biological mechanisms for making wounds permanent or for local healing capacity to drop. I will be fine eventually.
I… might have taken some risque pictures and uploaded to my FetLife profile. Now to Be Serious instead and continue editing that grant application.
Surgeon says to resume douching and to dilate to depth normally, so I will just do that and have patience.
Delayed longer than I should have before dilating this morning, so a little bit more bleeding, and some slight hurting. Probably no cause for concern, I healed so much already. But does drive home, perhaps I should try to still do it thrice daily, maybe that will help.
Apparently there is a fairly good voice feminization surgeon in Hamburg. I need to look up more what results are achieved. But I learned more of it already. It would cost ~6k EUR, no other hurdles. By fall, I will have had my SRS followup and healed from that and should be COVID vaccinated if the pandemic still rages, and I should have built up funds again. Realizing that is a real possibility, when I look within me, I sense an eagerness to at least try it, braving the risk. Looking at myself so far, I think this is an indication that I in fact am going to do that. Like with other transition decisions, I will take some time to confirm to myself, and give myself the evidence that justifies the decision, but I think my heart has already decided. The hope of having a higher-pitched voice which would jar my own ears less, I think that is going to turn out to be something I need deeply enough that I will take the risk of harming my voice. I will research, but I see this within myself.
Restarting biweekly progesterone regime, I suspect it might be impacting how my vagina smells? Within variability range of others I have known, but distinct, new in the two days since. Wild if so. Is periodic fluctuation of how one smells a thing for AFAB people? Also I now think I need to get back on 3/day dilation routines, ensuring no more than 8-9h elapse between times. Maybe that will help let the deep part heal. This assuming that the issues is that 12-13h is enough that contraction is such that subsequent stretching ends up tearing the deepest part, so more frequent stretching might prevent that and thereby let the healing process proceed better. Cumbersome but I have to try it at least, so I will make myself do that. I do what I must because I can!
It really does seem like the common predictor of bleeding while dilating is, specifically, time since last dilation. 8 and even 10 hours works without bleeding. 12-14 does not really. So I must go back to 2/day until this is resolved. Very well. I will schedule around it.
Keeping dilations no less frequent than 10-11h at most seems to stop me from bleeding, and hopefully will mean healing concludes. Meanwhile, a hairy issue arises. I have some hairs by the bottom edge of the vulva which now grew long enough that it is a little uncomfortable when they are pulled in by the dilator. I sort of want to remove them, but I don’t really want to shave so close to the mucosal surface, and I am irrationally worried that tweezing them at this stage could somehow hurt the healing. It also raises the question of what to do with pubic hair in the first place. In the before times I sometimes shaved, waxed or home epilated mechanically, out of a sense of comfort, then electroepilated some when I still prepared for Thai variant surgery, then left it alone for a year or more to give the skin time to strengthen before my actual surgery. But what do I want now, and how do I achieve whatever that is? Trimming perhaps, or trimming + home laser to remove hair from upper thighs or close to the belly. But not sure what I will eventually want. Currently I sort of like my hair there, as a novelty, the “starter set” as it were? So scissoring hairs too long, and just trimming bikini line. And probably I should stay careful at least until the second procedure. But what thereafter? When will it be safe to wax, for example? Feeling self-conscious asking my surgeon but of course I should not be. Maybe that is what I will end up concluding. Just fascinated that it now makes a difference in dilating! Not just an aesthetic thing. Curious.
11 hours between dilations. Almost too much, traces of blood. Challenging, as it becomes a trade-off between sleep and healing. Healing must win out, of course.
More data needed for statistical significance, but now 1-2 days into off-progesterone phase, the distinct smell I noted vaginally after starting last 2-week phase again has faded down and reduced. I am tentatively concluding that I have vaginal microbiota which fluctuates substantially with my sex hormone levels. That is, if so, super cool. A little icky but super cool nonetheless. I am glad to be this body. ♡
This actually affects my emotions more positively than I expected, because I realize I’ve felt a bit uncomfortable during the past two weeks as the smell on progesterone, while similar to what I remember from one AFAB lover in my past, isn’t really pleasant to me whereas off progesterone I have no issues with my smell. I guess I was worried it was unavoidable and concerned with how it would come across to the people who might get to smell and taste me there in the future. Knowing it shifts relative to factors other than stage of healing is reassuring and somehow that affects my feelings about everything else as well. I guess this is the kind of things that teenagers do spend time being emotional about, especially ones not alienated from their bodies by default.
So today I had a gyno appointment early enough that I wasn’t able to sleep enough. My brain is basically fried but it will be OK, I will catch up tomorrow. The appointment itself was fine. Another silver nitrate treatment, and no dilation until tomorrow morning, but apparently my deep vagina is better healed and looking up. I am not sure I go fully 12cm as the markers on the dilators can move as the condom cover stretches, so perhaps I have even lost a little while healing, but I think this is still enough depth for my purposes. Doctor also said it looks to heal more. The painful part in the opening is apparently a wound, which he recommends just making sure I apply panthenol to. I will do so. Got another estriol prescription. I asked about smell and he said there was no issue. However, I am not yet acidic enough, so may start to try to apply a cream which lowers pH. Gyno will test for this also. Probiotics would be fine to use, and there is no strict need to douche after sex even with a neovagina, but he did recommend to douche weekly just to clear out old salve. So that is all heading somewhere, and overall good. I experienced yet another form of internalized issues as I realized I was worried because I have not had time to shave/epilate bikini line; I found myself worried I would be treated less seriously by the gynecologist as a result, but of course there was nothing of the sort happening. Still, this is me being self-conscious of something natural to my body. My patterns of body hair now seems almost wholly like that of cis women I have known, and as a result it doesn’t really make me dysphoric any longer, especially much. Generally I just feel really at peace with my body now, which is quite remarkable. Things are calm in a way I hoped for. Moreover, one thing which further puts my mind to rest from the poor night’s sleep was that as I could not sleep, I ended up touching myself casually for the first time in a month or so, with no clear aim in mind but a subtle untargeted arousal. Not so exploratory, fingers staying on outside of underwear, but played around with my Satisfyer ultrasonic vibrator a little until its batteries ran out (light vibration was nice), then for the hell of it plugged in Data, the mains-powered, 7-speed Hitachi Magic Wand device, not expecting much, staying on lowest setting, casually pressing myself against it. Suddenly I found some remarkable angle and the sense of pleasure (centered on clitoris and inner lips) just escalated steadily upwards and felt better and better, until within 30 seconds or so (I think) I experienced the first clear and undeniable orgasm post-op. No idea if I could have kept quiet; it felt better to vocalize the pleasure out loud. Not the strongest climax I ever had, but not the weakest either; fairly centered but with a strong and enduring sense of relief ensuing. Clearly different from before: continuing the vibrations did not feel painful and I proceeded seamlessly through some form of refraction until crossing over again a minute or so later; this second orgasm was briefer, less intense but still clearly there, and accompanied by the same feeling of involuntary relaxation of some tension I recall from when ejaculating upon waking from dreams, though I don’t think fluids were necessarily involved at all; staying outside I actually have no idea if I got wet throughout any of this. But as it were, I rang the devil’s and he answered twice, as the fundies say, and the confirmation 13 weeks after surgery that I have the ability to orgasm and that it can feel really good has stayed with me throughout and is with me still, it was a worry I had strongly that I might not, and it seems I can lay that to rest. However it will happen, there is clearly more sexual pleasure in my future, though I have no idea how easy it is for me to come, or how to maximize chances of getting there. I think perhaps it is the kind of thing where it is best to not try too hard, but to keep an open mind and heart. But I also liked it very much and I want to experience it again, thinking back. I look forward to when someone else will be touching me also, however they will go about it. I look forward to moaning with someone’s head between my thighs, or with someone’s fingers or other parts inside me. But that is all for later. For now, I just will get through the day and then finally get nice, proper sleep. ♡
First dilation after silver nitrate had a lot of bleeding again and I did not really get to full depth, but hopefully that is still within normal range and should resolve. In more positive terms, random followup attempt with Lt Cmdr Data showed my sensitivity to be repeatable.
Emergency outdoors urination in dark park after 2h run after 1l coffee. Lifetime first this way. Fortuitiously had some tissues with me. Successfully, less messy than feared, will learn more still. Feels like an accomplishment, also realizing it must seem strange to cis folks to hear this is much much easier for me as I am now than as I was. When forced to it on few scattered occasions in past, dysphoria would make it deeply uncomfortable, whereas now it feels neutral and utilitarian. All in all an empowering change.
As sexual pleasure as a positive thing I seek out because it feels good slowly reemerges in my life (rather than something dutifully tried once in six months to see if I still can), it dawns on me how long it has been since I last felt like this. Years and years. And not feeling uncomfortable after climaxing, just staying smiling in some lazy afterglow, no urgent need to clean up some disgusting mess? Might never have had that before. This is good. This feels safe, like home. I look forward to eventually sharing it with others.
(Caveat: The messes of others are not disgusting, I rather like them. I just was never comfortable with my own, it made always my anatomy very difficult to disregard.)
Musing the other day as I was walking on how strange and invigorating it feels to desire pleasant touch again, and how that somehow affects me emotionally, I realized that it is fully all right for me to treat those things as meaningful and relevant in my experience of the lived body, and furthermore, that I could regard those outcomes as sacred in the same way as I have the pains and awkwardnesses and challenges of the surgery. Upon thinking it, it seems obvious and I should have realized already. I gave all the blood and pain in sacrifice to Inanna. Not so that it is no longer with me, or no longer mine, but that it is mine as I in turn is Hers, and so it is Hers, it is part of the sacred narrative I manifest by giving myself to Her as embodiment. Perspective where spirituality is the expansion of meaning through letting our matter and subjectivity inhabit and map mythological narrative and symbol. I am better these days at allowing myself this (and perhaps some find me weird for it, but I find this consistent and unproblematic) and it then becomes only sensible that just as I consecrated the pain as sacrifice, so should I the pleasure. It is Inanna’s due at least as much, and so fundamentally in line with Her narrative and mythos that it would not make sense otherwise. So I shall let myself see my sexuality as sacred. All of it – lust and pleasure and urge and frustration and release, giving and receiving, alone or in company. All of it there as an act or worship and of glorifying the Queen of Heaven and Earth. And as I thought that, and realized it can sanctify and make transcendent also seemingly very mundane and banal experiences, I realized also that this must be at the core of the very real worship of Inanna in Sumer and Babylon; Her ranks of priests and priestesses (not all cis) who were temple prostitutes or officiants in the Sacred Weddings. Surely it would have been the same for them, that in this sense they worshipped and glorified by the exercise of their sexuality within the auspices of the Goddess? So therein I shall let myself be also. When I embody and give myself over to the sexual, I shall consider this always to be worship of Inanna, made sacred in Her name. Whether symbols are salient or not, the body and the desire and the sensation, which I have shaped now in Her name, is itself such a symbol. My body is a temple.
(“This is Cpt Wesley Crusher of the Federation starship USS `Pillow Princess`, hailing Romulan warbird `Chickenhawk`… You are trespassing on Federation territory, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded!”)
As I proceed to explore, so far still only on my own, how I can feel pleasure now, I am concluding climaxing feels better than it ever did before surgery, even while reaching it requires more time and effort as I have to find and maintain long enough the exact right combination of thought/fantasy, movement of my body, and point and nature of stimulation; what this is varies from time to time but so far only a Magic Wand really gets me there (but does so quite reliably); best is to push against it rhytmically on either of the two lowest settings, through underwear. I am still healing enough that more direct touch has a bit too much of an edge, and I suspect that learning to trust that the touch of another is not going to hurt will require a bit of work as well, getting used to letting someone handle me there. It is interesting that this makes aspects of vulnerability and trust so visceral, and they are no affectation, but perhaps a real obstacle. Perhaps this goes for many virgins, which I suppose I really am now, that learning to be sexual with another is a process and a challenge. By all means one I look forward to. In practice, I anticipate that I will have little opportunity to explore with another person before pandemic ends anyway (likely candidates already in my sphere being far away or otherwise inaccessible), but its eventual end should coincide with a point where I am healed after the second step of the surgery, likely in the best shape I have ever been as an adult, and feeling ready to look into it. I might at that point try dating people just for sex, so as to sample experiences more broadly. Or not. We shall see. I feel no hurry, in any case. That tangent aside, the reason orgasms feel better now than before, I suspect, is that where it used to turn painful (both mentally and physically) just after crossing over, making it on one hand important to strongly reduce intensity of stimulation, and on one hand hard to stay in the experience and not drop out of the feeling and sensation, I can now keep the stimulation nearly as intense with pressure and vibration without it hurting, and there is no wet spot to clean up, so I can ride it all out through waves of secondary contractions which, while not as intense, still makes for a drastic prolongation of the pleasure, letting me stay with it and sense it more fully. There is, in a sense, a kind of feeling of comfort and safety about the way I now can orgasm which was never there before, and I am moved emotionally by that as well, feeling healed and strengthened by it. My endocrinology is not different, so I suspect this must be due to no longer having all that erectile tissue bruising itself through its own contractions while tumescent. Anatomy. Very, very fascinating. And I am so glad to be alive, right now. Much love! ♡
(Praised be the Queen of Heaven and Earth.)
Being able to climax without inevitably feeling physically and emotionally uncomfortable thereafter? Is wild. I am only now realizing, by the contrast, just how bad it used to be, what I had just come to accept as “normal” throughout decades of living with it.
I haven’t worn pants since 2018. But today I went to the store wearing just tights, top and cardigan (and mask, no makeup), and realizing that for the first time, I feel OK wearing something figure-tight without having a dress or skirt to flow over it. Finally the unobscured shape of my body feels right, feels OK to have seen, sensed, to sense myself. By how I let surgery and HRT adjust me, I have gained new freedoms, because I no longer need a constant layer of translation between my body and the world. I can be seen.
One thing which changed a lot is how I relate to needing to pee. Friends from before may know the frustration of watching movies with me where I would need to go every 30min because I would feel uncomfortable with the distracting sensation of a bladder even if not that urgent. Possibly because it reminded me of my anatomy too much. Or a habit of never just sitting with things. This changed. Weeks on catheter were part of unlearning, and also the early weeks of not wanting to go too often because would worry over doing something wrong, like a new mother with a baby. But also probably just the body now not hurting to be reminded of. I am less bothered. That said, still chose to relieve myself in a patch of trees now on my run. Went even better this second time. No idea if I do it the same way cis girls are taught to. Held a tree trunk so I could lean back and not spray my tights. Worked well. And it is remarkable how now I can do messy things like this, in shoddy sweaty exercise gears and no makeup, not being able to clean up fully, and still not feel dysphoric and disgusted with myself. The truth is, cliché or not, medical transition has made me so much more comfortable in my skin, with less need of performativity as a result. This liberation feels wonderful.
Frustrating and a little scary: sometimes I still bleed a little (just a few drops on the dilator but still) while dilating. Makes me worry whether the deep part really heals. Or more to the point, if it heals only weakly so that it is easily torn again. This is an issue mainly in the sense that perhaps it puts me at risk either for cell changes from repeat injury there, or at risk of STDs as it would be part of my vagina with less integrity. This is one reason I started PrEP, to balance something like this when I get sexually active again but I don’t know what it’s efficacy is for this kind of situation (easily torn neovaginal lining) as opposed to where it has usually been tested. Nor do I know how one resolves skin healing only poorly and vulnerably. Meeting gynecologist tomorrow and will ask his thoughts on what might work. Perhaps it will even just resolve from having some longer time to heal absent dilation during the time after the second surgery. Still, it will calm me down more when this is finally resolved.
Achievement unlocked: run into transfem friend in gyno waiting room. And making it through appointment all in German. Dr said healing is proceeding well. More silver nitrate. Now home to sleep.
(We all go to the same doctors because we ask each other for recommendations, seeking thus to avoid the bad ones. Berlin is as Berlin does. We are the followups to the Hirschfeld studies they could not burn, I guess?)
It dawned on me the other day how my current feel of “want to get deflowered, soon, come deflower me so I know I am fully functional and anatomically correct?” echoes the laments of Inanna preceding Dumuzi’s courtship of her. The chants of “Who shall plow my vulva?” Thus…
Today has me easily frustrated, irritable, and sentimentally weeping (not sadly weeping, really) over small things. I would describe it as my emotions being a bit volatile. Interesting.
I must report that I do, in fact, have a G-spot. Vibrator with rotating head (and probably hooked fingers) reach it and together with other stimulation, feels very good. I guess this makes sense – behind there is what used to be prostate tissue.
Being a hypochondric who is scheming to have sex with non-me people in the near future, should that be possible, I have restarted my PrEP regime; did not take it since early 2019 due to pandemic.
Experiencing some nausea today as I believe is common upon (re-)starting. Meh. 😦
lost in transition 