META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.
Went home today. Cleaned up, unpacked, laundried, dilated. Now extremely tired for some time. There is weird almost-pain somewhere inside my hip region when I bend over or sit too much, I am curious on what that is? It feels good to be home. (Noting on the Head-overturning-rite playlist there are good songs by two artists – Azalea Banks and Deadmau5 – that I have since learned have anti-trans sentiments. Will see if I keep them in.) Watching more Star Trek: TOS while dilating – series relies heavily on the “insidious mind control/influence/infiltrator/shapeshifter/possession among the crew”, and also on “every man but Spock is only one disinhibiting influence away from sexually harassing female crewmembers”.
Waking is weird. Slow. Coffee begins to wake me up. It dawns that there is relatively little I must do beyond dilation and other recovery and I feel a little restless, exposed, good for me though. I should look into those useful things I might not otherwise do, but first listen to my body. Being home relaxes but I miss perhaps the routine of the hospital also? Should combat skin dryness, and spend time listening to myself. In bed still, lying for first time with ankles crossed, laptop on thighs. Should soon proceed to dilate and then probably provide my biosketch/CV for that Nov 2 NIH deadline. Don’t want to, nor do I want to look at the Big Manuscripts. But possibly I should, and also pay some attention to the ERC resubmission. However, main mental focus is from waiting for the support letters I need for my dream project not to lose funding. If another week, perhaps I remind again, but I don’t want to push. Need to be mindful before that. And I am somewhat concerned as I have experienced occasional urine leakage still when near full and moving around. I hope this is just an expected temporary side effect (of bladder musculature needing retraining after catheter, and pelvic floor musculature being weak now after literally being dissected, then left inactive for three weeks in bed) plus dilation basically is all about relaxing those muscles, not tensing them, and the whole region is swollen internally. All of which points to this being something resolved with exercise and healing and reduced inflammation, but I would feel better if a physician told me outright, as incontinence is scary to me and one of those things I still am afraid of. I emailed my surgeon and will speak to my gynecologist on Thursday. It is not a major problem either, just one I react to and noteworthy also because, as noted, I lack now distal urethral sensing like I had before when the urethra was longer, before being repurposed for new things. Should be fine though. Will do my care stuff and try to gently be active on many random things during the day, which might just include cartoons, too.
Somehow, the smaller pad I now tried still seems to cover enough, and it feels more comfortable? It also adheres to the panties. Remains to be seen how long it suffices before being soaked with the mixtures of wound salve and blood that drips out of me. The feeling of smelling like fresh meat is less enjoyable, but I accept it for now. It will be like this for some undefined period, possibly a few months, most likely, after which hopefully I shall no longer need to wear pads.
As I begin to recover, the sense of feeling like I am a bad person for not currently doing science work creeps over me. I want so much to just relax and heal now and literally everyone tells me I should, but I still feel guilty for doing it, like I am selfish and taking some sort of risk for not currently giving it my all. It’s OK that I rest for a few more weeks, right, without being productive? Even though I feel guilty and afraid because of it?
Finished evening dilation and put on a new pad. PAIN SPIKE, not sure where but probably lower edges of labia somehow pressured. Nothing dangerous, I am quite sure. Just an example of how it comes and goes. Fully endurable, though I did now take an ibuprofen. Bodies are wild.
Slept long. Another dilation went well. Then walked 200m to pharmacy to order more cream, taking stairs twice. Walking like a 90yo still. Got more bed protectors. Forgot about recommended lubricant. Tomorrow gyno appt, will taxi to that. And then ask for more salve and lube prescriptions, as they are very costly bought otherwise, it turns out. I may be out of condoms though. Need to check. Otherwise must go out again to nearby drogmarkt. I sort of want to but I should be cautious knowing my desire for constant challenge. Writing that I also realize it is true. I have a desire for challenge. I never really identified with it, but I think on some level it is true? I crave challenge and victory.
I took another trip out. Walked slowly slowly to get cheap condoms, vitamins and some groceries as there was a grocery store next to the drogenmarkt. I think this was about the limit of my current ability but it also felt so good and I think perhaps I should consider trying to go out for a walk every day from this point if not stressful, because I think perhaps it might even help recovery. The cold through my tights and the sensation of walking also was interesting from a perspective of how my genitals feels like now. Something I recall from having “outie” genitals is how temperature-reactive they are (reduced, thankfully, when I started to tuck them in), responding by growing and shrinking to temperature fluctuations. It made for a lot of dysphoria as it reminded of what was there. Some of this recovery remains in what was woven now from those tissues, and instead of discomfort, gives me interesting sensory data on what my new anatomy feels like, which provides gradual learning of the new body map. Essentially, the sensation which was protruding now instead surrounds the openings into my body, forming like a circle and a channel leading in; I think surrounding both vagina and urethra and nestled in the top of the outer lips. This sort of matches what I believe the surgeon did, with some confusion as the skin and the spongiform material went partly to different places. I will read up more on anatomy later when I am less swollen and can inspect more, but getting here already a sense of how things feel differently than before. I don’t think I have lost much sensation.
Second dilation of the day, later than ideal for not getting nocturnal. Was a little challenging but went OK. LOTS of fluid dripping out of me though I suspect it is mostly the salves. I should try to outline what it is like in case someone is curious for their own choices. At the bottom of my vulva is the opening, and there is like an edge to where external skin gives way to vestibule. Inside me there is like a… hurdle, which goes down to block the path. Is this the vestibular bulb? I am not sure at all. But anything that should go inside me needs to go over the bottom… ledge… then under this… hurdle, then up again and thereafter is my vaginal canal. Some or both of these may contain parts of the PC musculature? I am not sure. And the vestibular skin outside is slowly becoming less swollen, I remember it super swollen while in hospital, and it feels mucosal, and I think it was previously urethral skin, and I also feel edges and perhaps also stitches on it. The edge between vestibule and outer skin goes along my labia and must be where the major stitches were; this is still sore and not fully healed, especially on the one side, and that edge is the current main remaining source of pain and sensitivity. There is also a soreness inside, on the bottom of the… hurdle, where I again suspect there is an edge from stitching, and which I worry I might hurt during dilation, will ask gynecologist of this tomorrow. Dilating, I need to insert the (condomed, covered with salves) dilator (in this case, sort of a foam dildo) first pointing downwards, then under the hurdle, then inside, which requires slow but deliberate pushing for 5-10 minutes, and requires pushing all the way until it reaches the 12cm mark I made on it. Not sure if the challenge is the musculature in the opening or that surroundsthe canal. Probably both. It feels overall very like putting a sex toy in anally, in the sense that one needs to carefully push against muscular tension. This is one reason I strongly suspect more lubricant might help. I wonder if later when more trained through this, I will be able to just insert something without having to push it with force every millimeter? I think for penetrative sex to not be super complicated, this would be needed, though it is not crucial to me that I am able to receive that. Of course, this is just a few days into a six month programme, so there is plenty of time for things to evolve. Not sure if I succeeded in describing what it feels like, but it is becoming less and less scary, and I am glad of the increased familiarity.
OK, it is late enough that if I try to wait a reasonable amount of time, then dilate again, it will be so late I won’t get meaningfully enough sleep. If I instead skip one session and just do it when I wake, it will be near ten hours between, but it was longer the night before today, near thirteen hours. I don’t think I will close up from this, nor that it is strictly important I do X sessions per day (and in reality, I dilate longer each time than instructed, I think, so total time is still higher), but rather not to go too long between occasions. I think I will be safe instead ensuring I get enough sleep now, and even to give my poor vestibule a little time to recover from being opened up like that. I do need the panthenol lube I may be prescribed tomorrow. It will be fine.
Ended up dilating anyway as placeholder fell out. Now sleep.
I woke with a little too little sleep, and went immediately into dilation. Torn between wanting to speed up the process and to never rush it. Then I had quickly some coffee and ubered away to my gynecologist, first time I see him post-op. It went overall well. He provided the prescriptions I need for salves, including bepanthen as additional lube, and most excitingly, for evening use only, estriol (E3). This then is technically my third HRT component, and I am very curious. It mostly spikes during pregnancy and I am wondering how many of those mechanisms it mediates. Taking it vaginally for healing makes sense if it is part of vaginal healing or adaptation somehow, and I suppose it will also then circulate some. Will I feel it? Who knows? I will pick it up in an hour and use it tonight. He looked me over in the gyn chair with a much smaller and less obtrusive speculum. Outside is healing well, he says. Inside, deep parts, still are loose, not attached correctly; this being the deep graft section. Apparently it is now largely that which bleeds. The hope and expectation is that in a few weeks, healing will have been resolved either way and I will be able to stop using the salves (switching to regular lubricant presumably) as well as to stop douching so much, which would aim to produce an acidic environment, so we are in fact aiming to facilitate establishment of the correct microbiota. This excites me. Then went home, picked up meds, dilated again (maybe a little easier with the bepanthen), and will soon pick up the other ones. Feeling actually very tired from the relatively too little sleep, so I should try to do this day kindly, gently, with minimal effort and maximal “Avatar – the Last Airbender” binge watching in bed, I guess.
Genital hygiene: Apparently from hospital and aftercare instructions, I am not really expected at this point to do much with the clitoris in terms of cleaning (in fact, rather recommended to leave well enough alone to heal) which is interesting because how it contrasts with my pre-op experience? This is weird trivia, but I find it still interesting because it is one of few cases where there is a contrast in situation which I am right now in a unique situation to observe directly. With phallic anatomy (uncircumcised – may otherwise not apply in the same way), it is crucial to wash daily, with soap and water, under the foreskin, because discharge and urine both accumulates there and will start to smell bad and be uncomfortable otherwise, this is something taught to small children where the anatomy applies. Whereas now, the same homologous tissues (clitoral glans and hood) do not overlap with urethra at all, and can presumably self-clean relatively easier? That said, I am also so swollen there yet (and there is so much careful stitchwork involved that for now I just shower the entire area and hope that water trickling down on its own is sufficient for cleanliness; this was also what they told me in hospital. Later, when touching does not bring any dull pain, I might explore more. It is a shame I did not learn this as a child though. There may be books and tutorials, perhaps? I should go check out WikiHow. 😀
EDIT: WikiHow does recommend at least showering between the folds. That said, swelling needs to go down before I should try to spread them much, I think. I guess I am afraid it might hurt? (Also, oversharing. But if that bothered you, you would probably not be reading this.)
Slow day. Needed replacing the placeholder at night (probably should not lube it as it falls out easier) and there was some seriously weird situation where I think the estriol cream dissolves the tissues in one brand of pad but not the other? Leaving some sort of disgusting fibrous mold-like mass I had to shower off to make sure it was not part of my body. But then slept long enough, and slowly did another dilation round in the early afternoon – there is again slightly less blood, now only very little, though it still takes a while to reach depth, still perhaps 10-15 minutes, and this in part is something where I am not actually sure what it is that makes it succeed? Do I finally find the right angle, or is it the pressure, or the pulsing/pushing motion? I can’t remember really. But it works, and gets me somewhere. And should become easier with time. And I think healing proceeds too. Then had some coffee and oats, and feeling all in all tired enough to lie down for typing, for a while. Some things it would be useful if I do but I should make sure to minimize it if I can, and just relax a bit. All in all this is very good I think. Exhaustion, if anything, should indicate that healing really does proceed. On multiple levels, too.
The hardest part of dilation for me is the first, putting in the tube for the douching. I think it really does help if I use a gloved and lubed finger to help guide it inside, which so far I did not, and this also helps me to understand how my opening feels. That is still very clearly healing, with stitches I can feel, with edges between tissue parts and certainly not smooth skin, but it also clearly does not feel like regular skin; it feels to my finger very like how others have felt for me to touch. I very much want this part to heal well and smoothly. There is still always a bit of fresh blood, but I don’t know where it comes from, if it is from the deep graft or from the opening. After rinsing with water, there is little left and now mostly there is no blood either on placeholder or dilator, which I hope is a sign of healing. Inserting the dilator to depth still is not effortless; I still need to fight for ever millimeter and there is a long part before which I know I am on a track where it just is a matter of further pressure to continue to depth, by which I mean, having the 12 cm mark I made on the dilator be level with my inner labia. When I know it is just a matter of going further like that, I usually start Netflix again and watch more Star Trek until I have stayed at depth 15-25 minutes and it is time to put a new placeholder in. The issues before seem to take place when the placeholder only is covered with estriol, nothing else – it then more easily falls out and I think it is the estriol cream dissolving the pad tissues some. So far those placeholders don’t last the night, so perhaps I should just dilate with the estriol but use collagenase and antibiotics on the placeholder even then. Will see. Less blood is a good sign, but I am beginning to feel constantly a little sore from the exercise. I assume this will continue. Actually now soon time for second dilation of today. I look forward to having it done with, it is exciting and important but it is also a chore!
I think perhaps this was the first dilation almost 100% without anything resembling blood. Saw nothing in the rinse water (but probably there was) nor on the dilator. I can only conclude healing seems to be proceeding further. Still nontrivial to get the dilator in though.
Once more almost fully clear fluid rinsing before dilation. The fluid around the placeholder has a soft pink clouding in places, and I have no idea if it is residue from the salves, wound fluid or both. Either way, I think this must indicate that there is healing all throughout my vagina, one way or the other. No hematomes or clear swelling or open wounds on the outside, though it still stings subtly where the lips and edges press against the pads, and the pads get stained slightly pink too which I am uncertain where it comes from, if that too is vaginal discharge or if seams (including ones under the hood around the clitoris) are leaking any wound fluids still. That said, it is far less than before. Swelling is still there but in the last days, no problems with urine leakage, I think reduced swelling and thus reduced kinesthetic caution gets me better at pelvic floor tension. Placeholder is still a major hassle when urinating as it risks falling out unless I hold it in place, and the urine stream is still completely unpredictable, and presumably will continue until the outer lips cease to be swollen, so that I can steer better. That is still where I have the most sensation of bruising; outer lips and inside/beyond them. Waking up and needing to go to the bathroom, there is also swelling in there which reminisces of the same swelling back when I had outie anatomy and were in the same situation, so that is probably where some of that tissue went. Placeholder seems to predictably fall out when there is estriol cream in the vagina, so I blame the solvent for that cream, but accept the possibility and need to perhaps put a new placeholder in upon waiting at night. I am less scared of making mistakes, so now I just put one in using a single glove and no further equipment except for building it. Plus feeling safer in using gloved fingers to push it in, to direct the hose inside for the douching/rinsing, and for preparing the way for the dilator. I don’t think I could distinguish the sensation of putting a finger inside myself (on the finger side, that is) from the sensations I recall from doing so with cis lovers in the past, so I am quite impressed also in this regard with the surgeon; it may have paid off to select my world-wide preferred option despite substantial obstacles. Still sensing edges between skin segments but I am proudly Frankensteinian where I have to be. I hope that relatively soon (within a few weeks at least) I might get the clear for no longer douching, and/or ceasing with the creams in favor of just lubricant. That would make everything less cumbersome. More still, I long to no longer need the placeholder, but it is possible I will have to use that until the second surgery in six months. If so I will roll with that, I can cope. Finally, a question to friendlies who have used tampons – is feeling painful squeezing around those when one sneezes or coughs a thing, or is this something which hinges on the musculature still being inflamed? Sending joy on this second advent to those who celebrate that!
Second dilation of the day. Worked well, but this is the first time I feel some muscle pain afterwards, and I am somewhat worried maybe I push asymmetrically in some risky way? Well, it will be fine. I notice that entering works better if I angle my hips differently.
So, my guess on the weirdness of apparently melting pads is that actually it is the solvent of the estriol cream just making it hard for the placeholder (which is a compress stuffed into a condom covered on the outside with salve) to stay in the vagina, it is pushed out in a way it is not when there is other creams involved. Even if I change it (making a new placeholder and gradually more boldly just using gloved fingers to push it back inside me; I am very glad that confidence is increasing), the remaining estriol cream still makes it glide out, at which point it glides up and feels uncomfortable nestled between pad and the top of the vulva, especially since the cream feels slightly skin irritant. I am now resigning to the fact that I need to change placeholders 1-2 times during the night to reflect this after using estriol for the late evening dilation. Eagerly awaiting when I shall no longer need these particular healing aids. Meanwhile, discharge remains white-ish with minimal or no blood, but fairly abundant; cannot tell however how much is creams and salves unabsorbed, and how much actually comes from my body. I sort of hope this is a sign that now finally some of the deep graft (though contracted – I don’t think I can dilate through it) is settling and healing, with this being some sort of leukocyte discharge, but I should keep watch for colour changes that could indicate a bacterial infection (though the nitrofurazone should keep that down). Hoping it too will reduce. I will try to use smaller amounts of cream to see if that consequently reduces discharge. On the macro scale, due to scheduled phone interviews, it took longer for me to get started this morning and I will soon go to first dilation of the day, needing to space them out now with only 3-4h between as I must also be up early tomorrow to receive craftsmen who will fix the wall in my bathroom. A little concerned over that – while urine leakage problems (which I very much believe comes from the swelling of the area) are only an issue when bladder is near full, I don’t relish the thought of urgently waiting for them to finish so I can go. I will find some solution though, I always do. This, obviously, another reason I am eager to see healing continue (and I will feel much relieved when I know those issues have disappeared – they are apparently very common at this stage (as surgery is similar in scope to prostate removal in terms of involved impact), but among the scariest side effects; surgeon confirmed it is safe to gently begin doing Kegel exercises though and I should look into those). Seeing myself day-by-day, just-woken-up casual in tights and top does feel nice though. It is gradually sinking in what my body can be now, and I am glad to be embodied by it and explore myself as such. Right now, answering simple emails post-coffee, post-interview, pre-dilation and sitting cross-legged for the first time since the surgery. Some tension but no pain and I feel the caffeine beginning to work and gradually see the world shining in more and more colours of potential. Life is good. Love to you all! ♡
For the first time, wearing a pair of panties (boyshorts, no-frills, pragmatic) that pre-op did not fit and the simplicity of this feels very calming. Can’t stay up too long because I need to wake up earlier than I want to receive craftsmen. But need to dilate before sleep. And did so not much more than an hour already, and still feel a bit sore. Meh. I will find a balance. Staying active a while longer, then do it again.
Today was a bit logistics-complex; slept only 5h; welcomed craftsman who just took measures and made a new appointment for a week later. I napped for some more time to get out of sleep deprivation mode, then went on a long walk to pick up a letter. It felt good but tiredness prevails. Second dilation, was uncertain how deep I went, may have pushed a bit too hard to compensate, and there was a bit of tissue washed out when rinsing before, and a bit of blood on the bed cover afterwards. Not much compared to before but after a few days of no blood, still a bit scary, though I sort of know this is just me being anxious, and that it falls within normal range, and that if I have healed all the things so far, I can heal any such too. Lots of yellow-gray-white discharge. I think this also is largely a good sign, but if it changes colour or does not eventually fade, will contact gynecologist; otherwise I see him in less than two weeks. One more dilation tonight, will watch carefully then to see what my state is. On a nicer level, walking outside felt largely uninhibited. The main feeling that is still weird is the swollen sensation of the venus mound and upper labia, somehow within/behind; it feels like a bruise healing which is probably exactly what it is, and I am very curious on how it will feel when it has subsided. I tried for the first time to gently part inner lips and got a glimpse of my clitoris, I think – looks healthy and actually smaller than I thought (and this felt weirdly soothing, I probably worried it was not); below is the area with urethra and so on, still very swollen and with asymmetries I still don’t understand fully, but looking forward to learn as healing continues. As noted, still somehow worried re: the small bleeding, re: discharge, re: fear of loss of depth and so on, but in practice, I actually think healing might just be going well. Sending you all love!
I really am in an interesting state of weariness. I should remember that I may still run out of energy, more easily than otherwise.
Third dilation. Some minor bleeding in the first rinse water, but none during or after dilation itself. According to surgeon, I can soon try to see if I can fit the Bones dilator, but before that, I want to learn reliably how to find the right angle to enter. I will. A little more blood today. Not sure if from deep parts or vestibule. Emailed surgeon to ask advice but don’t actually believe it dangerous. Also I am now a month post-op and that still feels surreal and wonderful. ♡
I feel so far persistently euphoric over the surreal and wonderful fact that it actually happened, that I actually did it, and now get to live on as who I have become thereby, and as who I will end up becoming. This alone is almost intoxicating, independent of all else. I keep listening to the wonderful surgery playlist friends and partners helped make for me, all throughout this period of recovery, whenever I can take in music: https://t.co/dshOZqW2Zd
I’m blessed for the cis woman friends who have shared with me their experiences around the sometimes messy realities of menstrual hygiene, as this helps me normalize and navigate the sometimes messy realities of SRS aftercare. We’ve got this. It’s OK. I feel in place. ♡
A little concerned that I still have not worked out how it is that I succeed in dilating. It always works, but it is like 10 minutes before I find some magical angle where I am able to push and slowly feel the dilator enter without too much pain, and I cannot really distinguish the angle much from any other angle (except it is more vertically down than I would expect). Once I find that, reaching depth or staying at depth is not difficult with the small Kirk-sized dilator (which I think is 25mm in diameter?). But it is certainly not yet possible to just push it in. Have not tried much of prepwork, nor have I tried an even smaller dilator just for this purpose (and perhaps I ought to look for a smaller such, either in stores or if one languishes in the sex toy box I have not cared to open for some years of relative disinterest. It would increase morale to know the issue is just that even Kirk is too large to just push inside without preparation, and I might be able to learn more about the angle of my insides with something that does not fill the space fully. Hidden behind these thoughts, of course, is some fear I will always be so tight that any lover has to similarly keep on trying to protein dock my active site, as it were, in order to get inside me. But this is just two weeks into dilation, also. Still lots to learn and change and work on. That said, I will find a smaller dilator still (well, dildo really, but serving a solely medical purpose shall make it a dilator) and use that to try to learn more about the anatomy I have been granted, so as to make regular dilation easier. I wonder what I shall call it, if so? Its small size here is wholly a feature and nothing that bothers it. Which TOS character might be secure enough, take pride enough, it that? I also wonder, is this something one also learns with a paleovagina over time, or does the ability to receive come spontaneously without effort? I suspect the latter, but this too is something that a smaller tool may help me test.
Raided my old sex toy box and found lots of gloves and condoms which will come in handy now for further dilation in the next months. Also a very tiny penetration toy. That does go in without much challenge, so I would conclude that the challenges with the Kirk dilator are not general, but rather because it is large relative to my current size. Hence it is probably a matter of training more than anything else, and possibly more training than technique, even if angle matters. I bleed a bit each time now, just a few pink drops seeping out, and I think it is from some point ca 10 cm in because when I push there, I hear like a popping and feel fluid moving. Might be a blister under the skin, or some sort of granulation. Worrying it is the edge between grafts and that it could worsen from dilation, so I want to know if I should just continue and expect it to heal, or if it needs attention. I don’t want to skip out on depth needlessly as then I might lose depth. So now emailed the surgeon and hoping I get an answer. If not, I might go see the gyno ahead of our Dec 21 appointment. Worrying mind is thinking of graft edges unravelling or somehow pushing through into the the intestines, but I think I would probably be hurting more if that was the case, as well as have proper full bleeding but this is just small amounts and no pain. Still, need to investigate and resolve it, and I will. On positive notes, remaining blackened patches on outer lips faded and now it is just scars from suture edges which I think will fade further (and that the second operation will also change). Also some odd sensation when I woke of feeling swollen, around urethra and outer lips, but I actually suspect now it might not be more swelling than before, but that part of the outer lips now are less inflamed (after sleeping long) and that I feel the edges of the swelling better because of that contrast. Will see. If so, I hope to experience even more reduced swelling soon, feeling like the whole area softens and ceases to tense. Curious of what will come in this healing process.
One bad thing about lockdown for me is that I cannot see my electrologist, and there are still scattered strands of coarse hair on my face, even after three years of hair removal; not visible from any distance but there to the touch. A few more months of electrolysis should remove the last of those follicles, but right now, that is inaccessible, meaning they need to be either pulled or shaven, and the former may perhaps delay permanent removal, so I avoid it (though I prefer the satisfaction of pulling unwanted hair up by the root). However, I note that these smaller glitches of my body, while still uncomfortable and something I will address as soon as I can, are far easier to endure after the operation. Such a major source of dysphoria has been removed that enduring the smaller ones for a time is substantially easier, reduced baseline suffering, easier containment. This gladdens me.
Mind/blown moment. With slightly less swelling somehow, I can keep my legs largely together when sitting down to urinate. If I do, it goes _downwards_? And _doesn’t_ spill over my thighs the way I would expect? And this makes it far less messy and the stream far better controlled and coherent? And might even make the likelihood of the placeholder slipping out smaller, as I don’t have to spread my legs so much? I should have realized that before, but still had the expectations from living with an “outie” anatomy, where (at least for me), this was not a possibility, I always sat down but with my legs slightly spread. Eager for this learning of body functions 101 to continue. Feeling blessed to get to learn and evolve.
A little more bleeding this dilation, and my anxiety moves a little around that. I think perhaps I was shedding some small skin fragments. This makes me think perhaps this is part of the graft. I worry though, is there a risk for more damage? Should I do anything differently? No response from surgeon yet, we shall see. If it gets worse, maybe I will try hitting the gynecologist up on Monday. Probably this is just anxiety, and the extent of any bad outcome bounded, but I will look forward to when it is resolved. Will sleep soon.
Surgeon says, probably granulation tissue and not dangerous, so I will simply persevere in my penetrative stance. 🙂
The more time I spend with my revised body, the more it is beginning to sink in that it is me, and I feel really really good about that. The process of rediscovery and embodiment is working, and this feels right.
I think I shall try out the Bones dilator tonight, though it is scary because it really is substantially larger. Probably need to do it in stages, first do Kirk, then try Bones immediately after. Might not be able to take it yet and I won’t hurt myself just to try. Also having watched until Star Trek TOS: S01E25, and only watching while a dilator is either fully inside me or close enough that I know it is simply a matter of pressure, I can say with confidence I have spent ~25h dilated so far. Timekeeping is good.
Following 15 minutes with the Kirk dilator, I was able to insert the Bones dilator almost to depth, and kept it there for 20-25 minutes in the hope it would start to feel relaxed. It did not, yet, but I think Kirk was equally difficult to start with. Being so filled up is a most peculiar and almost emotional sensation, and I am shaking now, afterwards. It lingered on the edge of pain, but never fully crossed it. I have to confess that on some level, I enjoy the dilation sessions, for some complex mixture of reasons that both involve achievement, challenge, pride, self-knowledge and some combination of both red and black lusts; the sensation affects me and I feel somehow similar relaxation as I have from painful hair removal. This feels meaningful and useful. I grow and learn. Much love! ♡
Dilated a second time with the larger Bones device and it hurts relatively less and enters relatively easier. Still a bit of blood first, with Kirk, but not later, with Bones. However, something a little weirder; for first time (since early), the urethral skin in between that opening and the vagina ends up red and swollen and protruding, looking a little weird. I think this is the urethral bulb sometimes described for Schaff surgeries, and apparently a very common thing changed in the followup surgery, just as the “dog ears” of extra skin on top of the outer lips. It is fine but a little concerning as with so much swelling, I feel worried it’s something that could become hurt if handled casually. But probably it will both fade with time and also, again, will be changed in revision. It would be a little weird to have something that resembles a glans so much in the middle of the vestibule, beneath the clitoris, but I must remember this is still early in. More relevant, why this swelling now? In all likelihood, increased pressure on the edges from having the much larger dilator inside. Should also get easier with time. I am absolutely making progress, and if this continues, then I feel confident I will eventually be widened and relaxed enough at baseline that I will be able to receive penetration without so very much hassle. Still swollen, I notice. If it does not go down relatively soon, I suppose I shall worry a little but in the worst case, I can always go to my gynecologist tomorrow for help. Cannot see any real risks with it staying swollen, however.
Feeling still sore (in a muscle sense mostly, I think?) four hours later, somehow, but I should soon try again. Dreading it a little but I know I will feel good from it once I have started.
Dilating getting a little easier each time, newest trick: enter from a lower angle, breathe in and out to relax, and don’t try to push piece by piece, just gently apply pressure leading to an entry millimeter by millimeter. Keeping Bones inside getting easier each time. However, it is not a neutral sensation. Some sort of wordless and calm but tense mood is there, comes over me, making me wonder if vagus nerve reads the PC muscles somehow. I rather like it and it makes me curious how the same things could feel in another framing. My vestibule ends up swollen afterwards though it is likely because of tension and blood flow. Also, Star Trek TOS remains more interesting than I thought, sometimes darker. Fascinating irony in an episode involving parasites controlling through pain with Spock experiencing the pain but as a Vulcan choosing not to let it control him, very relatable throughout the present. But at the same time an insight, how traumatic it must be for the million people on the infected planet, spending eight months being controlled by the parasites inducing pain? Not because of the pain, but because it must be so damaging to sense of self to habitualize being controlled by it, responding to it by obedience, having one’s self image perhaps shifting as a result, losing belief in one’s own autonomy. Frightening thought, and all the more reason in the immediate and “real” to try to maintain a state where one does not casually surrender integrity before pain, just to keep on maintaining a sense of agency even in the face of it.
The progress of de-swelling and healing and recuperation and familiarity all work together, and today I clearly sense both that 1) this really is MY body and 2) holy **** I viscerally do prefer this form to what I was like, in the course of practical matters. That feels good.
If I am to make three sessions today, and still make it up for the craftsman, I must dilate again now. I do what I must because I can.
My reasons for choosing (and acting on the choice) to dilate to Stat Trek were manifold, one being the early discovery one of my most admired trans scientist role models apparently speak Klingon, making me already more inclined to want to look the series up as part of my fangirling. But then realizing, given how my attention system works, that unless I do something else at the same time, I would never be able to make myself watch something so low-intensity fully, while at the same time, I would need something for distraction where it is OK to miss out on some details and implications. Hence a good fit (much like my memory foam dilators now have started to change shape from straight rods to bent ones, matching the curvature of my specific vagina) and I am glad of this. Realizing squeezing another session in tonight would be too much (as in, would not have time to sleep), but remembering that at least Suporn instructions mentioned option of 2/3 times/day as long as total time was achieved + noting interval between sessions still is not too long, then at least for today, I just did a longer (in total almost 70 minutes at depth with both dilator) evening session, while watching first episode of second season of Star Trek: TOS. This happens, as it were, to be the ridiculous episode about Vulcan mating practices, the “Pohn Fahrr” madness. There is so much cheese to comment on, in so many ways, ranging from the BDSM/harem guard sub-officiators to the wrong use of old singular you English forms, and the delightful speculation that T’Pau is the grandmother of T’Pol as seen in the Enterprise series. I suppose it works coherently that a species would have sudden-onset mating instincts, and if pheromonal compatibility (at least unilateral male to female) was an aspect, a tradition of pre-prepared mates might (though a stretch) make sense, but so ridiculously patriarchal for a putatively “logical” species, and a weird mating instinct which ends just following the mating fight, and one which they apparently have not bothered to medicate away, even though they are so ashamed of it that they keep it secret? Plot full of holes and unfortunate implications, and betraying the society in which it was written. But more Spock, and an important piece of pop cultural history, and as I lie here still moved from having held the middle-sized dilator inside me while watching it throughout, I suppose it is all quite fitting, under the circumstances, and I am delighted by the set of serpent-eat-serpent set of references and rituals this all forms. Love to all!
Sitting cross-legged for first time since surgery. It is borderline uncomfortable but it works. Also today: steering committee meeting while douching and dilating because that is the reality of my life. :p
And I can keep a laptop in my lap and work with it without it causing too much trouble. Still have the pillow underneath though.
Evening dilation, took it calmly and finished watching TOS first mirror zone episode. Almost no tinge of bleeding and I have hopes perhaps when I see my gynecologist Monday, that I may have healed inside. Separated my folds fully for the first time and saw my clitoris fully. The edges to what surrounds it are unbroken and unstitched, and I think must correspond to the glans corona. However, it forms a structure like a formed tongue almost, with a split down the middle where I think these parts were joined, and I am a little disconcerted with that, especially in case I am at risk of harming the healing of that split somehow. It then ties directly into the segments beneath it of the vestibule, which I believe are urethral originally, and there is a flap of this sort of tissue down by the which often hurts a little during dilation, becoming clearer in distinction as the suture scars heal more fully. Feeling a little worried with these segments where I clearly can see the edge where they were joined, worrying rough movement might tear them. But I also realize this is five weeks into healing only, and all of these edges will gain strength and integrity over time, and I think likely these are also (beside the “dog ear” excess skin on the outer lips, and what, if anything, is needed with the graft inside that the second operation would concern. That said, even as I am, and even unhealed fully, I look more like my past lovers than I had expected, and I know (and will read more on) how variable even cis women are in this anatomy. Even as I am now, I am glad of how I look and feel, and with dilation steadily becoming easier – entry becoming easier, especially if I breathe in and out, and feeling less urgency from having the dilators in, even the mid-sized one. I must ask for when to try the large one also on Monday. And I will ask to verify I am not missing anything I should be doing in terms of caring for the healing of the clitoris (in particular, whether I should apply cream there as well, currently I do not and was instructed not to). It will be good to be looked over so I know all is on track. And I am beginning to hope that perhaps I have enough depth as it turned out that there will be no need for any further grafting inside during the second operation. Swelling feels like it has gone down more in the last days specifically, and I sense this not least in that I can now clench my vagina at will; it does not hurt (except when filled with something, at which point it hurts a little still) and I feel the contrast better between clenched and relaxed. These are truly exciting times of healing and I find some fascination in realizing that for better or worse, dilating during some phone meetings will likely be an unavoidable and recurring scheduling reality during the next six months. I will spare others knowledge of that, however. After two days of waking early, I now look forward to a long sleep and a slow awakening tomorrow. Love to all! ♡
It’s a gradual recognition. I am somewhat affected still by feeling that in this part, I still look quite different from a cis woman, though an onlooker must be more intimate than during most sex in order to notice. I also cannot know yet how further healing and followup will change me further. I believe it will all be good though. And having this time be more unstressed than since very long is very good for me also.
Did not sleep well, so was somewhat worn by the time I made it to gynecologist, but it was good. Speculum is still DAMN UNCOMFORTABLE but that is OK. He says slit in clitoris is from where stitches were and that it should heal up in time, probably, and otherwise confirms healing is proceeding. Deep inspection showed a granuloma by the bottom of the vagina, which is likely what has been bleeding, and he applied silver nitrate to this (not painful as such but still enough for me to close eyes and fourfold breath), then said to leave alone until evening, and then dilate and insert new placeholder. Recommended smaller amounts of estriol to not have placeholder fall out, and to now shift to only douching once per day, then in a month, stop douching entirely to build up the vaginal microbiota. This all is good as the douching is the really cumbersome part, and having hopes maybe the silver nitrate now will help having fixed the bleeding. Walking around during day without placeholder felt freeing, though there is still a sense of swelling or obstruction in certain movements, and I don’t know if that derives within the labia, vestibule or vagina. It should go down with time though. All in all, feels like all good news re: my healing. Went home and napped 12-17, and am now still tired, and maybe I even have a bit of a cold. I should rest properly once more to restore and recharge, looking forward to that, should allow myself that kindness next now. Love to all! ♡
The more I heal, the more do everyday experience of living as my changed body bring me these flashes of euphoria. Impressions of myself from within and without feel like being home, not necessarily a familiar place but a safe place. I make sense this way.
lost in transition 