Tag: worries

chaos dump

Some significant energies were eaten because of some semi-known feminist profile in my home country came out as TERF. I have not read her thinkpiece, nor do I think I shall, but I saw commentaries and could not let go of the concern. When something attacks my basis like this, then it’s like a throwback to those greater angsts, the OCD-like response to existential threats. They used to be there with me all the time, now they are thankfully rare – only these things cause them, and that makes sense to me. I will dump some thoughts in response and let it go.

Several others have made the claim that a gender definition that is not strictly referencing chromosomes or assigned-at-birth anatomy will make it harder to describe and combat gendered oppression. This is clearly nonsense, as it is easy to simply read “women are at risk of death in childbirth/from intimate partner violence/etc” as “most/many women are at risk of death in in childbirth/from intimate partner violence/etc” and leave it as implicit that there may be statistical exceptions enriched for among trans women, woman-loving-women etc. It’s a non-issue.

More to the point, the person seems to claim that a definition allowing for experienced identity to play a part in the definition, will lead somehow to a discourse where the general public becomes more likely to come to embrace and propagate separate gender roles. I am not quite sure of the logic – that noting “gender is in the brain” would be commonly misunderstood to mean “gender roles are inborn and characteristic of birth-assigned sex by essential reasons”? I don’t think this is so likely to be a misunderstandng that will be widespread, and if it were, then we as activists could go out and try to counter it, making clear how gender identity and role are interrelated but fundamentally different concepts, just as gender and sex in some sense are. Do I risk thus doing memetic damage by transitioning? I don’t really think so, but if I do, I will do my part to counter it in turn.

This actually gives me a new life goal component – to effectively be a role model also for gender non-conformative cis women. I will do my best.

Some other worries creeping up as I slowly moved through the day, low blood sugar, tired, maybe hungover, en route, etc. Have I somehow misunderstood my own motivations, are the reasons for why transitioning makes me happier different than I believe them to be? Probably not. But if they are, the fact remains it makes me happier, even when playing on hard mode like this.

interactions

Was hanging some with good friends and their friends in turn, and was surprisingly downspirited by some of that interaction. More specifically, one man projected somewhat odd expressions against me. He kept semi-agitatedly asking me to show anger, asked me “what sort of porn I watch when I wank”, kept doing jock-like touching (slapping, playfight punching etc.) despite no reciprocation from me, told me I am “still a man” and that I smell like him, out of nowhere. I wasn’t really sure how to respond; with other dear friends nearby I did not feel unsafe as such though otherwise I would have, but had no useful way to act or speak in response. If I were to try to put the pieces together, I would somehow parse it as though he indeed does not see me as anything but a cross-dressing man, as such he would expect me to somehow deep down be aligned with all that macho bullshit, and he may have been trying to test if I would respond to his taunts thereby somehow proving him right in that regard?

In itself this is not so unsettling, as I don’t have to care or react as long as I am safe. But it does cause me to feel sad and dysphoric – simple and unsophisticated people will not understand me as a woman, it seems, they will see me as male as a matter of course. They will not see this as trying to be hostile, it will just be what the world honestly feel like to them, and their baseline conduct against me will be like they usually act towards odd men, not how they usually act towards even odd women. At least thus far. I must remember that I’ve barely started transition, I’ve not changed physically much, I’ve barely made any progress so far with voice work, I haven’t started hormones. Perhaps and hopefully this will change, perhaps I will reach a point where I will be able to blend. Hopefully without having to do more femininity than I feel like at any given point, though this also made me feel as though any expression of mine which is too forceful, too bombastic, will have me read as male by people responding like this person.

These feelings will pass. Right now I feel very self-conscious and unhappy and pessimistic, but those feelings will pass, and I will regain confidence in how hard or easy this will be. I’m sure I still do smell masculine, but I’m indeed on the way towards changing that, I will do my best in every way I can. To some regard, an experience like this (alongside earlier today the same barista as before once more sir:ing me repeatedly) is also helpful, it tell me that I have a long way to go. I have the capacity to make those changes I need, and I will proceed to make them. I will refuse to be more demure even as a way to avoid misgendering. I might also eventually become self-assured enough that I will call people out, I suppose. Life is learning opportunities.