These are incredibly eventful days and I am full of billowing clouds of the most potent emotions. So much is happening at once, moving to a point where I will be able to describe it, with other things in counterpoint.

Biggest: The place where I would like to go start my lab made me an offer and I accepted. I am planning to go there formally using my female name. I will never get a better opportunity, so I will probably take it despite not feeling ready, not feeling secure yet. This means I am coming out to my main sponsors there already, and I am scared stiff that they will withdraw their support before the contract is signed. Hopefully that will not happen. Once there and secure, things can start, I can start building.

If so I will be formally and fully out. So I must come out to everyone else to. All the way to parents, to collaborators. I am so so scared of this. Now however it seems that what I am doing is working up the courage.

It all feels so surreal. So much in flux. So much fear. So much hope. Like I am being taken apart surgically, then I must be put back together again. I can only have faith here…