dictum dactylo

Have not shaved face for two weeks and still barely any strands. I’m at the last leg now to finish that step. Will see how much is there before electrolysis on the 16th!

But more interesting, even though voice work seems daunting and I fear I have made no progress, I find now that if I try to drop my voice like I would in the past e.g. to do a Nameless One impression or to sing base, it really feels straining and weird and I can’t do it much. So whether I have risen or not, something has happened during this period when I’ve not done formal voicework but just… lived and acted. This makes me hope. My baseline voice may not be what it was two years ago even pitch wise. This makes me happy.

Also emotions are wonderful and something is happening which I did not at all expect. Nothing is certain but wishes emerge inside me and if the world and the other will let me, I think I want to make them reality. We evolve. We become real. We are alive.

fvlmina pvella

Things are again so intense stress-wise I have persistent headache but I can’t let any of it down just yet.

Felt deeply lonely during the Friday, and almost didn’t go out Saturday because I expected to be lonely and sad also at the club. Instead I found a queer sex party/disco in a former squat, and going off of the experiment at the concert last week (project “talk to the cute guy/enby named Leo even though you don’t know each other b/c my friends dared me to”), I spoke with some people even though it seemed like that was intruding.

Meaning I ended up talking to strangers, giving several my card, kissing two, and being dressed down by one to my panties in the darkroom and making out. Which was amazing and felt great, and did so despite the person being a man. It helped that both the guys I kissed looked good and projected enough wokeness to fit into that space.

So I felt my touch starvedness decrease, and my self-identification as also interested in men increase, and was sort of euphoric-yet-headached the day after. I may meet these people at the local BDSM munch again and would certainly play with, and go to this party again.

I left quite early still. Did not want to fully lose sleep. Had I stayed, might have gotten spanked, but that’s for next time. It was then at a stage that I could have asked.

I need to keep on practicing these social skills. And I need to keep going out, putting myself out there.

The one I was in the darkroom with, before we kissed I said “you know I’m trans, right?” and he said he was “fine with that” and seemed to find it endearing I asked. The other one said he did not realize I was until I mentioned it. I don’t know if I can believe it but I liked hearing it. With Darkroom Guy, he wanted to go dance off his high quite soon after we started, but I think that was more him than me. More importantly, I couldn’t have been comfortable going further.

I really want a vagina now so cute people can fuck me in it. I want the casualness sex maybe can have then, once I am healed. I want to be able to get fully naked without dysphoria.

And yes, my social life has evolved to a point now where “going out” means “BDSM club” more than anything else. So be it.

Today I should have worked, but I was freaking out over the uncertainty of a surgery date, that I don’t know it yet. I worry everyone wanting Suporn SRS have web scrapers that autosend request emails and that my watchlist marker will be too slow. So I’ve spent way too long today writing HTML parsers and trying out the gmail API. Still not there but once my workstation runs, I can finalize it.

The existence of a trans girl rite of passage where we have to write a web scraper to schedule SRS has delightful stereotype power for me and I cherish it even while it irritates me. Met early morning with an architect. It will cost to fix my bathroom once they pull the pipes out during refurbishment, but I think it will work out. I can save enough this year to be able to cover that even going for Suporn SRS early next year.

I need a surgery date now. I need to know it, build up towards it, prepare for it.

Part of this will be to fix the rest. Voice therapy starts next month.

Laser today. Hurts very little. Before next time, need to not shave for a week so they can see what hair I actually have left. Will start shaving nipples so I can laser them next.

Going without foundation felt fine. I really do look very smooth now. Not all the way there, but almost. Even going away for laser without makeup felt OK. I feel I can defend my legitimacy even then. May try without foundation more often.

Soon time for sunblock again, and today was the first high-heels day of the year.

raw-war

Not quite sure how it happens, but today I have sensed myself being especially vulnerable, it has been easy to worry but more to the point, some sort of sense of dread in the background. This fascinates me, I am happy to observe, and curious that I cannot find the anchor. Though I believe it has to be, except I don’t feel it, that I was worried about my talk before the faculty.

Said talk went well. The same thing happened again that when I got to the penultimate slide outlining how I want to look at trans cohorts to understand sex-differential disease better, my body but not my mind reacted, I felt at peace internally but my voice got thick and I would have shook had I not prevented it. It slowly dissipated but slowly, and made me less eloquent. Obviously I fear talking about that in front of an audience because it’s a coming out and I feel exposed, it brings all the fears of not seeming serious, of seeming ridiculous, of being too much, probably multiple impostor syndromes simultaneously. It does nexus many of my fears so that does make sense.

But still odd I don’t emotionally sense it, whereas my body reacts whether I want to or not. Is this a sign of emotional repression? I’ve gotten so controlled over the years I can ignore affect and just move past fear without even sensing it, but the body still is deathly afraid and it shows in my body language?

Now a little worried that everyone could sense my voice tone shifting, worrying they look down or me or pity me, that they won’t work with me or give me tenure. But that’s also probably just the irrational fear, the same fears underlying it. I’ll act to ignore them, not feel them, just proceed with my work. But perhaps the ease with which I do that is precisely why it only can come out through my body tensing up?

salience

Making a brief post instead as the caffeine need is very high, along with the tiredness. Found something empowering while at the same time humbling, and my own responses interesting. At a scientific conference, we were sorted into tables randomly for dinner. Another girl sorted to the same table sat down next to me, whom I am 90-95% but not 100% sure is also trans, but possibly stealth. I am confident she passes as cis to any cis person, and it is interesting that I cannot be fully sure. Spending time with her in this manner felt very validating, also because with that, my presence in a scientific space like this is further normalized – there ends up being almost the expected population fraction of trans people present and it does not at any point become an issue.

I also became slightly less secure than otherwise – while I was older and professionally more senior, she would clearly be further along and definitely more confident. I would have felt insecure but used once more the Maiden techniques to shut that worry down. This is the humbling part, all of us maybe become somewhat uncertain when with people we admire, more self-conscious. I am glad of learning to handle it. Did not expect to meet another girl like me in this context, curious if I have, happy if so, would want to be friends with. If things progress, it will eventually cease to be remarkable and just be safe and peaceful integration and acceptance.

Also still very very wondering how often I am clocked versus passes for cis. I really cannot know. And feeling in a tenderized body kind of way that I need to work on my voice.

intent

Things very intense. Some various things do stand out. My voice really bothers me, I really have to fix this and I don’t yet know how to escalate efforts and to remember to do all that is needed. I must.

Also, perhaps indicative of primitive weirdness. Changing my office most likely to the bigger one across the hall. Because this is an old hospital, it has an ensuite bathroom with a bidet. And the thought struck me since I saw it, “this is an office where I could work long days even on a 3/day dilation schedule“. I don’t think anyone ever had that particular revelation before in the history of our species.

Will do what I must. Which at this point means science.

claw marks burn scars broken glass

Randomly sir:red by flight steward. Have full make-up with eye shadow, pink lipstick, rainbow coloured nails. Hair in updo, long dangly earrings. Pink scarf, orchid purple short summer dress and high heels. As a service person on a flight he did not misgender deliberately, so it must be something about me which screams manhood deeply enough that none of the rest registered. He had not heard my voice, so must still be my looks. Feeling empty, looking around me full of sad and panicky thoughts, calm inside like a sad serpent at the bottom of a dried out river.

What are my chances? What are my flaws? What parts of this despicable shell of meat are even possible to fix? I know it’s not been long, I’m six months into puberty. There can be more rebuilding happening. I just need to break down so I can build up. Atrophy more muscle, break down more fat and tissue. Need to remember this feeling, this pain, need to let it drive me. If I lose as much mass as possible, anywhere, any tissue (except of course nervous system, because I need that to be me), then I can rebuild under the right developmental signals, quite possibly the right epigenetics. I need to break myself down and rebuild. I can only hope for this, and bear in mind this really is early. Everyone says this is what they experienced it. Just was not expecting it right now.

What else is it? Shape of facial bones? Forehead, length of face, nose? I thought I looked right in the mirror this morning. Jaw, somehow, side view? Forehead bossing? I don’t want to be one of those sad, sad people who keep listing anatomical measurement terms to explain their sadness; I see exactly the same lingo from incels and sad trans girls and I want nothing to do with it. I’ll just have faith, continue what I do, and then in a few years, if still wrong, ask for facial surgery advice.

This is sad. Then again, here is where I start. Here is where I start from.

I should have asked him what he said, corrected. I would want to. But in the moment I didn’t think of it. Need to try to make it a habit.

Wanted to update though on other things anyway during the flight. Spending time by the coast let me relax requirements to myself; hanging out in exercise gear (so long as I wore the sports bra it was OK), not showering as often, no foundation, only sunblock, eyebrow pencil, kayal and mascara. Light lipstick. I could feel present in a “casual” sense, cycled, jogged, swam and suntanned. Wore a bikini for first time and felt great, not self-conscious. Went grocery shopping in this summer vacation mode. All this may seem shallow but actually is important: I need to experience and reclaim areas of my life while readjusting my self-perception within those areas. By doing so I can more contexts where I can stay at peace within myself.

In a way the whole journey to the summer house was one – such an important place for me throughout my childhood, and I’ve now reclaimed it as S, spent time relaxing as S. I now know what that feels like, I can do so and remember it. Similarly having family see me so mattered. And I went through my old boxes, threw out binders of old dysphoria-fuelled notes and scary papers, and repackaged other things. Saw my photos from 17 and 18 and noting how much more similar to my younger sister I still was. All in all, very good.

Last, spent time with several trans woman friends in different contexts. Ending up very self-conscious of my voice, for I still keep dropping it almost all the time, and it really does bother me a lot. Saw some girls with great voices who have tiny scars on their neck, making me curious if there is surgery that helped them? I would probably still not do that. I fear losing my voice more than I do my sexual function (fascinated to note as I type it that it likely is true), I am a singer and someone who can console or coach others. So training is where it is. Here too I’ve been lazy. I must be diligent. I must escalate.

It’s like in so many other things I did that turned out to work. I must take a challenge fully and clearly seriously, and approach it with overkill as my goal. That too is who I am.

Feeling privileged and narcissistic and shallow and dysphoric and all sorts of things. Meh. It will be good. Much love!

alters

Moving through the spaces where I am and where I express. Asked panel question being shown on big screen and on microphone, danced, spent time. I note that except for some of the time, I feel better and better about how I look, so long as I take it far enough, and I feel safer and safer – natural is not the word, but comfortable? – presenting and taking space as I do.

At the same time, voice confidence varies. I enjoy using mine except when I have to project loud enough, because then pitch becomes wrong one way or another. No fun to become heard in noisy environments.

Things going somewhere.

gifting

Maybe this is what I feel. If I am perfectly diligent and get all the rest done. If I:

– Make my conduct empathetic and kind and non-angry, containing and open and caring, as I feel I want to be able to see myself.

– Sculpt my body further with food and exercise and whatever, alongside the hormones, so I can be understood as female by an observer having only my shape to go by.

– Learn to stop slouching and maintain a straight posture (because something about me has to be straight at least, amirite?) again impacting how I feel.

– Finish up laser fully and wholly, and laser also the parts that could cause hair issue during Thai-style SRS (e.g. perineum).

– Master voice so I can blend voice style under pressure too.

If I do all those things, so there would not be too much hanging over me otherwise, then I could finally reward myself with bottom surgery, excusing the recovery time and the costs by that being something I have paid for through effort. This all is complex and messed up and I am emotional and currently deeply longing to just have a body that neither myself nor others would question as being female.

I suppose this is a path and an interesting one at that. If I resolve this, and also set money aside, then there can come a point when the matter is simple, when I will feel confident that it is OK for me to go ahead and have surgery. This thought is becoming resident in the ecosystem of my mind. We shall see what I make of it.

Meh day. Trolls. Bothersome. Needing to work, and will. And will meet people, and deal with things. Absolutely needing to get out of bed, first.

cords

These past days, in social conversation, when not whispering, I may have remembered voice effort some 30-40% of the time which is a new personal record. It’s a beneficial effect of turmoils beginning of weekend, every time I am hurt I am spurred forward and can try to use the momentum. Will seek to do this now, will seek to habitualize and integrate. Almost last speech therapy session this day, and will start to get rid of old stuff in preparation for my move, including probably all the clothing I won’t wear again. Interesting.

Stress going strong, and I should probably spend some hours this afternoon delving into the hardest/scariest work part. Yeah. Will try to do that. Then cleaning out can be a reward tonight.

Moreover, continuing to process the idea of surgery. It’s one of those weird things where I keep talking about it to help make the thought real to myself, but I don’t feel affect strongly either way. So many things in the way and around it, so far outside familiar scopes, still something I notice myself moving towards wanting on some level, but the want is the precursor, the pretemporal ghost of a want. I’m slowly letting myself get comfortable with the idea, I suppose.

breathalyzer

Had a second appointment with the speech therapist. I had been too preoccupied to do all my exercises but were hiding this fact. New and relevant things were:

– One exercise to check for how many repetitions of an upper body stretching exercise I can exhale a soft “f” sound for (should be at least 8).
– Foot massage things with a tennis ball, aiming to relax the feet. Doing so does cause some changes in sense of stresses, and made me think of posture. More on that below.
– Extending previous exhale-pause-inhale-pause routine to try it in “w” and “f” and “w->u”, and in both head and chest voice.
– Trying the same but starting to read my poem as I do.

Ideally I’ll actually do all this during the next month of travel, seeing how well it goes. I contacted my insurance provider and am now waiting to hear if they actually will cover it or not. If they don’t, I will challenge it, but in the meantime in that case pay these first rounds myself but probably not do more sessions until it does end up being covered.

The more interesting part: In the pause stages of the exercise I mentioned, the idea is to let arms hang limply at sides. This is actually really difficult for me, and I was surprised to find how. I keep doing posing; assymmetric body postures where I position hands and hips and arms. I did this for a long time but more of it since beginning transition. As it turns out, letting my hands fall (or most postures that are very relaxed and simple) feel weird. They include no body positioning that I can think of as female-coded, so it makes me perceive my body as male/null/fleshsuit/etc. In other words, if my body position is neutral, I feel bad over how it does not come across to me as feminine; and this happens to an extent that it is uncomfortable to me to relax physically.

This was in fact one of the awesome things about the tantra workshop; under those conditions I felt validated enough that I could relax without being dysphoric. I also come to hope this is something that can be changed over time under medical transition; that it could make me recognize my body as female without having to make an effort, and therefore to be able to feel comfortable in it under more situations. Curious.