movement matter molting

Day is multistressed, and I sense I am in a state where I jump at anything remotely scary, even social things. Interesting. Don’t think it is any microhormone fluctuation per se (though it extends worries last night which faded a little when I replaced spent patches) but rather compound effects of how stressful things are right now.

Still have a cold, irritating. Worried about things. But feeling good also, feeling seen, and I can navigate all of this.

Oh, and discovered I can receive stimulation with a Hitachi through tucking and that this feels great when another person does it to me, so at least some things still work now in terms of sexual reception. Watched surgery videos and felt scared, but then again, the point is that I should be sedated while they do it to me, and then for things to be bandaged while initial healing happens. Meh.

And I am beginning to recognize I may have several emotional wounds from previous situations that actually behave similarly to very very weak subclinical PTSD, in most cases I don’t even acknowledge I have been hurt because I don’t feel I deserve compassion about those things, I blame myself. Nothing severe. But all sorts of complex things left marks, and I may be getting to a point where I can acknowledge that and maybe work on it. Is this finally me getting a little closer to graduated emotions?

intent

Things very intense. Some various things do stand out. My voice really bothers me, I really have to fix this and I don’t yet know how to escalate efforts and to remember to do all that is needed. I must.

Also, perhaps indicative of primitive weirdness. Changing my office most likely to the bigger one across the hall. Because this is an old hospital, it has an ensuite bathroom with a bidet. And the thought struck me since I saw it, “this is an office where I could work long days even on a 3/day dilation schedule“. I don’t think anyone ever had that particular revelation before in the history of our species.

Will do what I must. Which at this point means science.

rifts

My chaos comes to a culmen. I am on a train towards Bruxelles, tomorrow I will defend my research project. Knowing I may be the first openly trans person to interview, and likely the first to transition while the application was evaluated, makes it even more important I succeed. I am extremely stressed right now from a million sources.

The gel estradiol delivery is a hassle. It bothers me that I can’t tell if my emotions now are because it does not work well, or because it works well and my responses to the stress therefore are more volatile. I just know I feel very close to crying.

But I’ll do my best. Sitting on a train with a cute lesbian couple next to me being all adorable. I’ll do my best because that is what I choose.

meds

Started day with a new laser provider who was actually good – a fourth of what I paid in the past, and spent a lot of time actually hitting the spots where needed.

Then endo meeting. Things chaotic – unsure if I actually had an appointment (chaos and languages in Babylon) but the doctor saw me anyway. Will end up trying estradiol in gel form, and probably lowering blocker dosages; he seemed willing to prescribe progesterone in the future.

These things all good but leaving me still somehow shaken afterwards, as though things which relate to medical administration (and which are important) leave me feeling as though I survived something.

Question then is – do I change my HRT delivery regime before or after the big scary important grant interview on Wednesday? The wise answer would be “after“. The me answer probably is not.

gelded lining

In pleasant counterpoint to misgendering, the MediaMarkt cashier needed to see my ID having deadname as well on it to accept the deadname-showing credit card. This made me smile happily for a long time thereafter, as did spending the evening at a meetup for queer women, where I felt I was accepted without standing out in the wrong way.

lyricism

In this AotJ song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kslkgAX3uAg

The lyrics sites list the phrasing as:

“One day I’ll grow up
I know whom within me
One day I’ll grow up
Feeling full and pure“

But I hear:

“I’ll know a womb within me“

and it touches me on some interesting and harsh level. What is she actually singing? Do I hear it correctly?

Also I have been laughing a lot today, things have seemed fun, and I notice arm hair growing back, but soft and downy.