CW lots, NSFW and if you don’t want the dirt on my life, better not read; this one likely will be censored if ever this blog gets connected to my real name

Lots of things happening, mostly good. Work stress from windows of opportunity that opened still looms large but for good or ill I am trying to not let it edge out all social life. So went to check out new club friends are setting up, then on Sunday joined up with said people to go dance during day 2 of a big gay rave. Continued to program on the train to there. This is my life now? I seem to be becoming exactly who I’d dreamed to be, with all the upsides and downsides thereof.

Second party day was interesting. Clocked by drag queens who complimented me, felt OK but not connected. Gave out my business card to a woman in the darkroom, and to the woman manning the door. Dancing was great, thought I saw Asbjørn by the DJ booth, had some guy dancing very physically with me. I realized after a while I wasn’t so comfortable with that, and had an interesting exercise pushing him away subtly, though it was only when I gave clear hand signals he desisted. Felt like another rite of passage.

My companions offered various drugs, weed and ecstasy and speed. Partook of some of each, but small amounts as I couldn’t know how they would affect me; tried only the former before. Neither of the latter really felt much, or gave much beyond the venue itself. May be more on higher doses, which seems inadvisable. Not same coziness as from MDMA, which I definitely should be careful with. I think there was a slightly higher longing-to-be-hugged within one hour, and a tendency to talk a lot and be social within three, and then a tendency to shiver after six or nine. The only E I would want to use habitually would be estradiol, though. Picked up my new patch scripts for that today.

Drugs aside, the party was nice. I mostly spent time with a friend who is also trans. We watched the men in the darkroom basically just go full on sex without much context or communication (though clearly always with consent and hopefully condoms) and were uncertain on what the codes for that actually are. Later that evening we ended up making out, which I had not expected or planned for at all, but found delightful; there may be a scent dimension I had missed beyond “smelling sexy” // “not smelling sexy” which is “tasting good” // “tasting distracting”. Slowly observing increased granularity of this. My friend tasted good, and we ended up at her place spending the rest of the night touching and kissing.

This is the first time I am intimate with another trans woman after starting transition myself, and it was a very powerful and liberating experience I hope we will repeat (having a bundle of unspecific emotions that will be happily sorted out later). Recognizing how I cannot parse the sense of her as anything but female, and receiving the same in return, helps me stay hopeful that my efforts are working, and I found that circumstances of mutual dysphoria made it a little easier to be seen in my pre-op state. Also recognizing I’m not really functioning like I want to. Curious on what adding progesteron might do, and if I need to relearn how to climax at this point; experiments with high-end vibrators upcoming when there’ll be time.

Noticing also, in link with the darkroom exchanges, the dance floor exchanges and so forth: sudden intimacy with a stranger might not scare me but it feels dissociated and dispassionate. I recognize this largely is a stereotyped social construct, but I think that with reduced libido I may not be able to get in the mood without some form of relational buildup and activation. Essentially feeling what may be typical of lesbian vs gay male club hookups. More data needed. All in all, happily recognizing that my casual encounters might have to build on serious friendships and that I can’t go from 0 to full libidinality without buildup. I hadn’t recognized what the latter feels like. Essentially, sexual dimensions seem empty and boring until they have been contextualized enough?