Things sort of moving. Had part of the evening making me note/recognize acceptance; I was invited by a senior clinician collaborator to come see his child sing for an xmas choir performance; it was a supremely bourgeuois thing and I was clearly welcome in all my corset-wearing glory. I felt that I am not per definition shut out of any of these social contexts. That gladdens me.

Later evening xmas party also good, except that one person used “he” pronouns about me to my face. I actually aggressively corrected her this time, pointing out I was trans, and I am not sure she understood, but I do believe that the act of correction bolstered me some (the alcohol helped too). Still feeling despondent over this. What can I do more than dress and groom as femme as I do? Voice train, for one – this was in a noisy pub and really it is in those environments my voice is worst as I strain to be heard. Need to pub hang more with friends as an explicit practice opportunity.

Then just need to wait and hope that further weight loss combined with hormones will shift my facial features more, and further weight gain combined with hormones then will give me curves that makes me better parsed. If none of this helps, then I guess I must be more drastic, but for now, I still have faith this might get me somewhere.

On other notes, for Chettawut surgeries, referral letters are valid up to two years. So I will get those as soon as I can, and have surgery within that time span (will I? I think perhaps I will). Get body, home and office logistics, family acceptance of risks, therapist referrals, and finances all in order as soon as I can, and when that is there, check if my mind is ready enough, and if so then schedule to have it done. This is weird perhaps but probably the truth of what I will do.

Worrying that perhaps I move too fast, “should” I spend 3-4 years on HRT before having SRS? It’s not that I feel my wish (I have one apparently) will change, I really don’t believe that. It’s that I feel I “should” somehow be careful, same reason it was hard for me to accept that it was OK for me not to want children, there is surrounding societal expectations/pressures that I must be super careful to avoid being wrong about my wishes, even if nothing indicates I would be.

EDIT: Also, back on the progesterone cycle now. For whatever reason, I really do feel it bolsters me emotionally, there is some sort of… airy acceptance to my worries, like it’s not so scary, so urgent, all of it. I sleep better and I find it easier to be mindful, feel less haunted. Anecdata of course, that would need placebo control (another study we should conduct – progesterone double-blind placebo cycling in on-HRT trans women), but functionally and pragmatically, this is better for me.