Realizing perhaps that a common form of distress (dare I call it dysphoria? impostor syndrome says no) for me concerns fearing for the future. I think of awkward or difficult situations – failed comings-out, being overlooked for collaborations, being wept about by family members – or of ways in which I would not be able to blend (moving away from the “passing” terminology now as an act of social engineering). Triggered by seeing the ways in which other trans women do not blend, or issues with my own ability to (broad shoulders, long arms, long face, furrowed brow, squarish hairline, squarish chin, largish nose, barrely chest, large fingers, deep voice…) or of imagined situations where even blending would be seen as artificial by those who knew me long. Central to all this: the perception of my gender as being fake, artificial. And given that at base, I have a need for it to be real, as real as it can be, then yes, this is dysphoric, it is a mismatch to the core gender identity need.

Anyways then, voice is a major fear, a major way in which I worry I cannot blend, or cannot without becoming seen as artificial. Not just that pitch is hard, but I have a professional and personal identity as someone who speaks up, who is heard, who can project voice into spaces and social spaces where the land is uncertain, cut to core issues and present solution. I get heard across lecture theatres, on shaky teleconference calls, and in one-on-one tutoring. All of those acts constitute emotional challenges where I push past social insecurity by following habitualized scripts. That lets me do the voice work of my current life while also managing the cognitive and emotional challenges that take place in parallel.

So I’d need a way to rewrite those scripts while still keeping them habitualized, and to do so in a way that I can maintain while at the same time navigating cognitive challenges (understanding what I need to say) and emotional challenges (understanding the social context and tone and managing fears around those). Plus I would want to change gradually to not alienate others more than needed. Plus I don’t actually know well how I sound yet, myself. So I need to work with a voice therapist. My psychotherapist told me I’d mentioned this to her in three consecutive sessions, so it probably matters to me. So now I contacted one, and he in turn asked me to contact an odontolaryngologist (?) to document for getting it insurance covered. So I booked an appointment with one such, on short notice, to be able to have this in time for when I can see the speech therapist (this given how my travel schedule looks), ending up one I saw before for an ear infection.

Which worked out. Somewhat weird/odd/awkward to navigate/explain, but I got my vocal cords checked and my documents prepared, and everyone was acting OK to me despite being registered under multiple names with them. Everything has gone smoothly. And I see how complex the system is, and how weird it is to navigate, and I feel so incredibly privileged as I do this from the position where I am, with relative financial security, all-inclusive medical insurance, fully flexible working hours and all the rest of things I am given which make it possible for me to achieve results in the system. So, so many people in similar situations are not being given those things, and for them this must be compoundedly harder.

Now to push forward.