lead-to-chrome

The day after my surgery consult I am aware that I still don’t have a definite date set. The procedure will be, they send me a cost model, then I either pay them or present them documentation saying my health insurance will. Thereafter I get a date. And after that I may be offered earlier dates if there are cancellations.

This means the first step is to ensure they actually send me that document (if they have not by early next week, I remind them). And then to ensure the solution is ready. I’ll try both paths; continue budgeting as planned, but also request from my health insurance what they require, and try to get my quirky therapist to write out the documentation those in turn require. She seems not optimistic about it but I have to try. And if she is not helpful enough, then I contact my old therapist once she is back from maternity leave and check if she can do it instead.

Then applying (needing to do so in Sumerian, so will need help, waiting waiting waiting, maybe have it rejected). If rejected it either means I need to continue current therapy long enough for it to count (and I don’t like being dependent on this therapist, really), or go back to the private option. Accounting for hospital stay costs, surgery cost estimates, home repairs, that is a semi-guaranteed possibility by end of next year, though may be possible earlier in different setups.

I’ll do all these things and it will work out. That’s fine. The interesting observation of my mindstate is how the uncertainty of not having a date creeps me the fuck out. It’s a dysphoria manifestation, makes me restless, a sense of a threat somewhere that I must be vigilant towards, an obsessive vigilance and defense need. Just like my life was pre-transition. This is very very useful to see.

The uncertainty itself, the projected expectation that I will have to spend time waiting without knowing when the wait will be over, that is scary. And highlights how my genital dysphoria is channeled. I can even receive some stimulation these days (not too far back, someone was able to make me come by licking me, after giving me enough attention that I didn’t care what anyone touched or saw, just about what I received – first time in a long while I climaxed, and first time in a long time I felt secure enough afterwards to just sink into fuzzy wordless sleepy happiness, fluids probably went in their mouth so did not cause me further dysphoria – they said I tasted like a cis girl squirting, which I was glad to hear – ah, NSFW interjection in parenthesis aside…).

But my sense of peace is predicated on knowing that I’ll soon be changed, knowing that this state is temporary, set to be resolved. Much like my old dysphoria over social gender relieved a little by convincing myself the world would soon change, must change. The mere fact of my anatomy is what bothers me, is intolerable, and until it has been corrected, the best I can do is to ensure I feel as secure as possible on the timeline of that correction.

That is also what had me before; when I freaked out over the Suporn scheduling system. When I delayed all other things for several days of frantic programming just to write a sniper bot to make the scheduling for me (see: https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/25/ninshubur-and-the-hidden-moon/ ; https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/28/the-battle-belongs-to-the-strong/ ; https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/28/the-battle-belongs-to-the-strong/ for that saga). I couldn’t focus on anything else until I knew I did all I could. It’s similar now. A deep restless anxiety. And I even worry it will reduce my efficiency, keep me from working well.

What soothes me, beyond doing all I can when I can? Actually, walking through the streets of morning Zurich (pretty ugly city really), I started up synthwave I’d been sent, and somehow its minimalism (much more minimal, more elevator muzak like, than my usual empowerment music) seems to be particularly effective on background anxiety. Is this its appeal? That is, where more energetic-upbeat or dramatic material helps one push through apathy, this can help one (me) endure some baseline low-level discomfort that I currently cannot otherwise resolve. It’s inobtrusive enough to let my thoughts go anywhere else, for doing anything else, at the same time, but keeps the scared hypervigilant dysphoric beast somewhat focused. I am thankful for it.

slopes.com

Everything happening at once makes processing it a worthy challenge.

I keep exploring surgery stories. It’s clear Suporn method SRS often works perfectly fine and that healing, though cumbersome, works well. But in the restricted channels I have access to, there seems to be at least a percent who has ridiculously difficult recovery. I worry about that. Specifically, I worry about dilations taking 3-4 hours as late as month 6 or 8 post-op, because I do not want to jeopardize building a life and a career if I can avoid it. For young girls with less responsibilities, this may matter less.

But I need surgery, and I don’t want penile inversion. Specifically, I don’t want any method that does not fully make use of the glans material or that does not make labia minora out of foreskin to keep the nerves in place. So the Mesopotamian clinic may be my best bet, as it’s stated to be a hybrid of inversion and the Thai method. In less than a month I consult with them.

The biggest challenge is, what if I am wrong and that is still as hard to recover from? What if it still has a Suporn-style contraction period of the scar rings during which everything becomes very difficult? I’ve searched as much as I can, joined more groups and applied for access to image servers. Asked people. But of course I can’t know if there is some 1-2% of women having it this bad also with that method. It sucks to have to make decisions on imperfect evidence.

The other factors: with Dr Bank, I can have surgery for 15K. Assume 6K for travel and accommodation in Thailand, and perhaps another 3K for same for a later revision surgery. 24K total, possibly tax-deductible. Mesopotamia, would be 20K + 10K for the second step. So all in all more expensive but not that bad. Might still be tax deductible. And there is a change my insurance will cover it, if I can convince them the therapy I did way back then still counts for trans purposes, even if it is unrelated.

There is also a benefit to the clinic being in the same country at least as my beloved home in Babylon. And it’s said that the Suporn clinic are very difficult to deal with if you have complications.

A drawback certainly: It may take up to a year or more longer with Mesopotamia. That means more time to prepare but I… argh.

All in all though, actually making preparations makes me realize that “petty” things – i.e. related to path not end – can matter to me. It matters that the clinic is close and how hard recovery is, whereas perfect aesthetics or being healed by 40 may not as much. And this is the case not with regards to pain, I am more and more sure I can take any amount of pain for a limited period. But rather with respect to fear. I’m afraid of being afraid but more to the point, I am afraid of gambling too much with other parts of my life project. I cannot be off work, or very improductive, for a year.

That’s not to say I can go on without SRS. I will have either of these two forms of SRS as soon as I can.

conclude

Got to point where I go all Weatherwax and decide. No time to wait around for Godot and perfection. So the way it seems is, fistula is my only remaining worry over SRS, and I am fine with it happening so long as it is fixed. From what I can tell, only one surgeon offer free revisions in any form, namely the Suporn clinic. I could go to Chettawut with probably the same low risks and good expected results, but in the unlikely case of revision I’d need to pay for it, and I don’t have that buffer now. So better to pay 50% extra to start, go with the very most renowned surgeon (or rather his successor), and feel more secure it will work out even in the worst case.

(It would feel extremely awful to have to ask my family for financial support because my SRS went wrong. I need for them to know this is the right thing to do, from start to end.)

So looking into that now. Documentation will not be an issue, my therapist can provide it and they likely would accept my letters for Chettawut too. Dates are unclear, this will possibly delay my plans but the “must be healed by 40” fervor is less important than doing it right. Still want to if I can. Shouldn’t be much further ahead anyway. Waiting for responses.

Cost is a little challenging. I have the means but I also just learned I will have unavoidable home renovation costs in the next months, which I don’t know yet how large they will get. So I’m looking at needing to keep some check on my expenses during the year, until I reach a point where again I am comfortable having a buffer. I don’t like that sort of uncertainty but working with uncertainty is what I must do now.

Also my water pipes apparently ARE lead. They will be replaced, this is part of that unavoidable home renovation cost. I wonder if I have damaged myself during this past year by drinking so much water at home? Hopefully I’ll recover. Seem to still be able to function, at least.