cracks

I did get quite messed up by interacting with a troll this morning, worries on validity spiraling and causing then those old symptoms of locking up, not enjoying, not being present, feeling cold and pain. Ending up sort of sad and worried over the ways in which I am _not_ like other women, in terms of biology and in terms of life experiences. Those are not all the ways, and as long as I and others go more by other properties in classifying me, then still all fine. But I do feel it hanging over me still, like a chocked sadness behind the eyes, being near to tears. I really am more sensitive. Part is expectations having changed, and part is possibly HRT increasing openness – thus also dysphoria. I wrote about this possibility before several times. I guess the point though is, and this is really just a coda to the last post reiterating it in context, that my impulse in return becomes to try my bet to become like other women in terms of biology and experiences both, while still remaining me. So the increasing intensity of dysphoria being triggered all in all drives me to fight against it by trying to become such that I feel less invalid.

Meh.

deva eva

There is a lot happening. My moving has happened physically, alongside all the rest that is ongoing. It was possible through cherished friends who went above and beyond. We were ultimately successful and it will be awesome and it is celebrated and will be celebrated further.

It also was not a painless process. Through shortcomings of mine my friends had to carry emotional and physical loads beyond what they should have had to, and were hurt. We spoke of this later, and I took some lessons and recommendations and insights away. I want to anchor these now, so I will summarize them in a form I hope shall be maximally useful to me in doing better. Ultimately, I identify three root shortcomings in the form of toxic masculinity components I therefore have yet to unlearn, and doing so therefore will be a priority for me which I will integrate into my ritual structures.

First, one thing I have a hard time seeing myself, but which really in hindsight has been said to me many times before, I am bad at trusting. Not in the good will of others but in the ability of others to organize and carry through and strategize. This is essentially a difficulty delegating. It is a skill I need, and it feels like making leaps of faith that other persons can be relied on not only to act and execute but to organize. This has nothing to do with challenges or opportunities in determining where others are trustworthy or not. Rather this should be about explicitly recognizing good situations to rely on others, ask for their independent strategizing and action, accepting their response, and communicating clearly around its planning and progression. Habitualizing this then becomes one of my tasks. To do so, I will try to connect this to the Maiden facet. As the Maiden I can be open and trusting as she is with her comrades, and thinking of it so may help me remember. Slighly more complicated when I delegate to subordinates, but still probably a workable starting point.

Second, containing. There is a balancing act as I try not to avoid feeling even negative things, where if I do not sensibly contain my own emotions I can and will (and did) push emotional labour into others as they need to contain me. I know this is an issue, and it as mattered long, but I was still failing in remembering to do it responsibly even when in a stressed state myself, and even more as at the same time, I work to try to let myself feel and be weak. It is not acceptable that others have to contain my emotions outside of a situation of explicit consent. So I need a way to both feel even negative emotions and still be mindful outwards, a way to not dissociate but also not to lose touch. This again is the need to habitualize but also to remember the need. My recent experiences can be a wakeup call, and here I will try to connect it to the Mother facet. As the Mother, I have dependents, even if they are my peers or even superiors. I am responsible for shielding them from my pain and fear unless they agree to carry it, and I must shoulder that responsibility. I can still let myself feeling that pain within, and express it elsewhere and elsewhen. Having to carry the pain until it can be released, while feeling it fully, is a Motherly thing to do and I can grow in both containing and feeling by remembering that.

Third and hardest, organizing and prioritizing. Looking back it is clear I have slipped. I keep taking on more and more interesting opportunities and planning for things, but refusing – on my ego trip – to acknowledge the limitations of time and spoons. Then there is too little time and mistakes are made, contingency plans not established, paths not optimized. This is seen on the small time scale (case in point, I have been late for several things because my morning routine is longer but I do not time budget more) and the large time scale (planning everything for a single month with work and moving logistics). Sad as it is for my ideals, I must acknowledge I cannot do all things at once all the time. I must allot time to efforts and projects. I must set time aside for things, and it must be enough time, assigning margins large enough that I can plan and communicate those plans and make backup plans and contingencies. I must begin to set aside time even for crucial things, not rely on being able to do them as they appear. I must begin to formally delay taking on some things, and use organizational tools and scheduling to do so. I must formally set aside time to settle and optimize and reality check even less exciting but important things. I cannot wing it all the time. This is accepting limitations and measuring resources. This is judgment and self-boundary. This is work of the Crone facet. As the Crone I know I am not infinitely powerful, and that I cannot make myself fully free in the small and the large both. I must choose limitations to avoid others and to avoid harm. I must organize. I must prioritize. I must sacrifice. This is painful but necessary as all the lessons of the Crone.

I will endeavour to remember and be these things.

cuts

Got surprisingly hard hit by unexpected TERF rhetorics somewhere. Will probably truncate thoughts and sleep.

At the same time, feeling increased need to be recognized. Need to take voice further. Thinking I will start correcting people until I am spoken of correctly, whether or not they are irritated. And continuing from earlier, feeling unhappy about my anatomy, for my own view of it, and because it seems like it affects how others read me. Feeling perhaps for the first time an actual longing for the end state of successful Thai-style SRS, rather than a curious interest. That is interesting but also notable as then it is not only positive but inverse negative motivation.

I’ll set aside a personal fund for this, to have the option. And perhaps some three years from now, there will be a time when my PhD students are in writeup phase and don’t need me holding their hands, and when my post-docs are experienced enough that they can hold down the fort, so that me disappearing for a month of hospitalization in Asia, then being reduced in energy and time for 3-5 months of dilation and healing, won’t make or break my research programme.

I’d still fear an unsuccessful outcome, fear failure to heal right (am I too old to heal easily?), fear the pain, fear that nerves would not reconnect, fear that I still would have a deep voice and facial features that make people think I am male, so that I somehow would have gone through all that pain and sacrifice and still not have been understood right. Fear of the sadness and pain and worry in the eyes of my parents from them knowing I was doing it, though that fear is dulled now they know I really am transitioning. Fear of being weak and alone and helpless during recovery. (To my friends and lovers and family and all who reads this: If you come to conclude you would be willing come with me and keep me company during that first month, if I made that possible for you, please let me know. Knowing I would not have to be alone would help this fear.)

Lots of fear. That said, right now that feels like the fear of something planned and anticipated. Right this moment, when I still have that TERF-fuelled dysphoria (for it is that, it is that feeling as though the world freezes and dies), then the thought of fears and physical pain and awkwardness is still not as bad. Right now my feelings of dysphoria are worse than my fear of SRS recovery. Tomorrow it might not be. But this is in some sense a first, and I find it meaningful, find it telling.

law of fives

For the third laser round Frau Doktor H raised settings further to “23”. No idea of unit or on whether – probably, really – this is still below what more stoic people shake off. It hurt more than last, sometimes I asked for a few seconds of time as the chief issue is how the pain compounds on a short time scale. Burns post-laser are stronger, it looks like localized bad sunburn beyond the bacon-smelling burn marks.

Meh. It’s fine. Making me truly understand the idea of the Gom Jabbar. Now for maybe some short more sleep before going to lab, since right now having a full brain matters more than usual.