Tag: outing

raw-war

Not quite sure how it happens, but today I have sensed myself being especially vulnerable, it has been easy to worry but more to the point, some sort of sense of dread in the background. This fascinates me, I am happy to observe, and curious that I cannot find the anchor. Though I believe it has to be, except I don’t feel it, that I was worried about my talk before the faculty.

Said talk went well. The same thing happened again that when I got to the penultimate slide outlining how I want to look at trans cohorts to understand sex-differential disease better, my body but not my mind reacted, I felt at peace internally but my voice got thick and I would have shook had I not prevented it. It slowly dissipated but slowly, and made me less eloquent. Obviously I fear talking about that in front of an audience because it’s a coming out and I feel exposed, it brings all the fears of not seeming serious, of seeming ridiculous, of being too much, probably multiple impostor syndromes simultaneously. It does nexus many of my fears so that does make sense.

But still odd I don’t emotionally sense it, whereas my body reacts whether I want to or not. Is this a sign of emotional repression? I’ve gotten so controlled over the years I can ignore affect and just move past fear without even sensing it, but the body still is deathly afraid and it shows in my body language?

Now a little worried that everyone could sense my voice tone shifting, worrying they look down or me or pity me, that they won’t work with me or give me tenure. But that’s also probably just the irrational fear, the same fears underlying it. I’ll act to ignore them, not feel them, just proceed with my work. But perhaps the ease with which I do that is precisely why it only can come out through my body tensing up?

stride

Wearing the E patches symmetrically over where my ovaries would have been. Maybe if this continues, I could even get tattoos that somehow define medication patch areas. Need a much fitter body before that, looking over my routines. Still have some tendencies to reward eating by the end of a long day and want to shift that into something else.

It seems all my family who knows accept me. They want me to come out to the one grandmother who does not know, so I am writing a letter. This is huge.

Had a wave of sadness the other day thinking of how much I’d want to be able to experience someone going down on me with me having the right anatomy. Saving-for-surgery thus on my mind. Found an interesting blog:

https://lifesexperimentblog.wordpress.com/

which is by a woman seemingly sharing a lot of demographics with me, she is polyamorous, kinky, working in IT (close enough) and otherwise someone who seems to some extent to be similar enough that hearing her experiences of preparations, fears, anxiety, progress and outcome of surgeries and other things may be informative for me. Will read more of it.

third movement

Lots of it now. Just spent a few days at retreat with my present department colleagues, last time before leaving them. Discovering last week I don’t want to go back to low shoes meant I didn’t, then I decided after asking several people to wear the bright red lipstick of giving no fucks while being classy. One partner commented “bright red lips means better not misgender me?“ and that was true. For once I have corrected people. Important thing: I then know they know I am trans, so I feel comfortable-ish taking up the mantle. Thus have used female changing rooms and bathrooms now with these people, and that means I will continue to do so, which feels woah. I’m all out at work.

Did it help? Yes. Together with bonding with girl coworkers as friends, including talking about woes and challenges and hanging out in the spa, I feel like I am here and like I am at peace, all else being equal. It really is amazing and it feels important.

Then… this weekend I will share a small flat with my mother. Right now, my default involves wearing a bra, heeled professional shoes and substantial makeup. I either still do this or I hide it, dressing up for the party sometime outside.

I will not stay in any fucking closet any longer. No way. No fucking way.

So I wrote finally a proper coming out letter with all the details, HRT included, and sent to mother. I wonder when she will read it, and how she will react. This is so so so scary. Support from my partners help, and feeling in my changing body how this is right, that helps too. This new calm me who can value herself and her own emotions, for her – she who is also crone, actually – for her this is still scary but it is clear she recognizes she must do this now.

It’s big. I feel. Time to sleep.

babylon calling

I’ve accepted an offer to start a small research group in Europe’s most queer-friendly city, in a conservative science field. I will do this under my female name. As it will be public, that means coming out to essentially everyone, earlier than I had planned to. But the thought of having to come out later after a while is even scarier. I feel so full of chaos over this, and somewhat as though I am losing control over the process. Still it is what I will do, it looks like. Really excited but also really really scared. Partly because this means my parents will know my questioning has ended and will be emotional over that, even if they may hide it. Partly because it seems to large and daunting to face all of this coming out, and likely losing some allies because of it. Partly because some easily-worried part of me feels that a year of questioning still is not absolute certainty, worrying that I will regret it at some point, at which there will be no graceful way back into the closet again. But this is where it is.

multiturbulence

These are incredibly eventful days and I am full of billowing clouds of the most potent emotions. So much is happening at once, moving to a point where I will be able to describe it, with other things in counterpoint.

Biggest: The place where I would like to go start my lab made me an offer and I accepted. I am planning to go there formally using my female name. I will never get a better opportunity, so I will probably take it despite not feeling ready, not feeling secure yet. This means I am coming out to my main sponsors there already, and I am scared stiff that they will withdraw their support before the contract is signed. Hopefully that will not happen. Once there and secure, things can start, I can start building.

If so I will be formally and fully out. So I must come out to everyone else to. All the way to parents, to collaborators. I am so so scared of this. Now however it seems that what I am doing is working up the courage.

It all feels so surreal. So much in flux. So much fear. So much hope. Like I am being taken apart surgically, then I must be put back together again. I can only have faith here…