Waking and feeling rested and in control, but with all the unresolved challenges present. They are not existential but practical, so they don’t paralyze me. I know I can be here to face them so I will. But I also feel I am small before the fullness of the world, and I feel my body and mind straining. And that is fine and as it should be, as are my emotions around it. Do they have a name? I want to say vulnerability, but not sure that is right.

Mostly I crave so deeply right now to be held. A wish I have not had in this way for very long, during isolation or focus modes or self-seclusion for dysphoria. I want to wake next to someone, want to be touched and held and maybe cry a little in their arms for no reason but that it’s there. I want touch, physical nearness. My long-distance relationships are as central to me as anything, and I cherish what time we get, but my everyday life still lacks touch. I need that, I realize. I need being close to someone, being seen, skin against skin, lips against my forehead, hands in my hair, warmth beneath my fingers.

I don’t think I’ve let myself recognize just how much I miss that, now that I’m beginning to be able to receive it without needing to escape to tend to my fortress walls. I want to be held when I am most defenseless, and I want glancing touches and casual nearness when I am joyful and energetic.

I stopped daring to believe I could have it, so I wouldn’t let myself be sad for not having it, wouldn’t acknowledge I want it. I must have it, somehow. I must be open to it, and try to seek it out however I can. I don’t really know how but I feel I am in a position to try.