Already two years ago I started that playlist, all of it wolf-themed woman electronica. Added the new songs as I remember it exists. Will listen to it during the evening. I feel sense and inhibition both nudge but never mind that. I am alive and I howl at the moon.

*

Spoke about it all again. What I want:

– Being sexual without the limits of my body. This I probably but not with certainty will get.

– Being not triggered by myself. This I will get.

What I fear:

– Time for work lost in dilation (heh) and pain. This is guaranteed.

– Death or fistula or necrosis. Sufficiently unlikely with Chettawut.

– Loss of sensation and orgasmicity. This is unlikely but cannot be excluded.

What I feel:

– The situation will not change, this here is my one and only life. I have all data I need.

– I am waiting for someone to tell me I get to have SRS, just as with transition itself. I should not.

What I should do:

– Schedule the surgery before this month is over, then see how I feel over that. If I can, I want it just before xmas.

– Then later do the scary thing and let mother know. Wait, is that the scary thing? Seriously?