weight

So, I seem to be in one of those modes/moods where things seem difficult and heavy and scary. It also makes me more dysphoric (“what if I was just fooled into wanting to be an anime character like Blanchard says?”) and prone to worry for practical matter (“how will I charge my phone if…”). It’s not quite the same as the PMS modes because things don’t feel tiring in the same way and I don’t feel angry, I just seem to have fear amplified. I do believe it was like this first day of Lenzetto spray, and it seemed like this on low dosages (whereas the PMS state emerged on high dosage at some point). And I just changed estrogen dosing scheme and added progesterone. So possibly there are at least two components to modes of this type and they may reflect either doses being too low (worry) or fluctuating/high (irritability/thin-skinned-ness/weariness). Well, we’ll see. I continue to observe.

moon mask merge

So what happens? My partner (once more in some form) said my face has femininized. I had more moments of not being able to let go of an emotional surge once it started, just deciding what to do with it. Touch feels good.

Got gel estrogen and progesterone prescribed, so will start a cycle now. I wonder if I will experience something.

Also second hand shopping, got some skirts and a jacket for experimenting with business chick looks, curious if I will feel OK with that or not.

EDIT: Oh, and asked my endocrinologist on the possibility of collaborating on clinical studies. He was open in principle and seemed surprised. Continuing to represent!

skinless moon

For whatever reasons (conceivable local ones involving stress, scares and hormone dosages going from low to high on microscale), I am emotional today. Emotions persist and storm inside my body. Stressors cause waves like when shaking a rickety bathtub. Noting volatility-for-whatever-reason, noting tendency/risk to go panicworryworryworry over every impulse, trying instead to stay focused. It works somewhat.

On another level, continuing to tuck. It’s not that it feels very special on a level I access, but that somehow not having its reshaping in place feels wrong. This seems consistent with a reduction in subtle and masked body dysphoria. Imagine having the proper anatomy. I do want that. I guess I will have it.

status variabilis

On the second day, feeling much better. Pet hypothesis: pill form meant most of my E was E1, not E2. Spray means entirely E2. Higher dose E2 thus from spray, and I was moody from the dosage change. However, then my breasts should hurt more presumably, and they don’t? Or may not be so simple.

In any case, feeling much better today.

I did my best in the grant application interview. Some question my answers may not have made sense, or more correctly, revealed how little immunology I know. Still, there’s a chance, I will learn eventually. And if I did not get this grant, I will get the next, or the one thereafter, or thereafter. A witch never gives up until she chooses to, and I choose not to.

Now on train to France, will write up an agenda and make slides.

felicitations

Yesternight was catcalled for the second time, in a much less overall unsavoury location than last. Felt a little slimy, not so unsafe (police car nearby if nothing else), weirdly and problematically validating, and sad, because presumably same person would end up angry and scary if he had gotten close enough that he would have known I was trans. Guy in open-roofed car calling something to me and smiling, presumably wanting me to get in?

This morning, feeling the stress of all that I have to do, sensing it as pain and irritation and pressure. It will be fine, just feeling it. Will act to reduce amount of unsolved major challenges, and then will feel better. Also need to take proper fun time and recharge time, and to set up infrastructures from those. I have the space to make a life now, so I should do that.

swing

I think this morning must be considered the first undeniable instance of mood effects of my hormone treatment. It’s probably happened before but I could not conclude it until now. It’s gray-ish outside, I am underslept, I am stressed and have some headache. But the response is disproportional to my past experiences. I find myself growling and being extremely angry at every little practical detail that does not exactly match my wishes, and most importantly, I cannot shut this off even though doing so would be practical. Interesting I suppose.

And fucking irritating as all hell.

And worth it if it really is part of aligning me with the womanhood I crave, even indirectly.