weight

So, I seem to be in one of those modes/moods where things seem difficult and heavy and scary. It also makes me more dysphoric (“what if I was just fooled into wanting to be an anime character like Blanchard says?”) and prone to worry for practical matter (“how will I charge my phone if…”). It’s not quite the same as the PMS modes because things don’t feel tiring in the same way and I don’t feel angry, I just seem to have fear amplified. I do believe it was like this first day of Lenzetto spray, and it seemed like this on low dosages (whereas the PMS state emerged on high dosage at some point). And I just changed estrogen dosing scheme and added progesterone. So possibly there are at least two components to modes of this type and they may reflect either doses being too low (worry) or fluctuating/high (irritability/thin-skinned-ness/weariness). Well, we’ll see. I continue to observe.

decovert

Realizing just now that while I would pretend to be a cis man to get out of an immediately life-threatening situation, barring that, I never would. I could not go into male or androgynous drag for an event or for travel. I would refuse even if missing out on opportunities. Which I guess makes sense, given I really am all out now, given this is the person I have now started life as.

Like, if there was an event where everyone including cis women would go into male drag, so would I, and I would do it well. But I would never do so _because_ of my trans status barring a gun to my head.