attaché

Spending two days in an emotionally charged and impactful part of my professional environment, the very LARP-like scientific coordination meeting for a major project I am part of. I was very nervous or perhaps vigilant beforehand, feeling I absolutely had to have solved all my action points and to have provided solutions of sufficient impact where everyone feels involved. I felt this less than before because I now have my new job position taken up, so I am more secure and less dependent, but I am still dependent, and so felt it more than before at the same time as I now meet these collaborators in most cases for the first time since transitioning, and definitely for the first time since going somewhat full femme in my presentation. So situational and personal minority stress making me concerned and fearful, expecting acceptance if fully useful and efficient, and fearing – hopefully baselessly – that I would be questioned, misgendered or pitied if not. “He” went insane, tried to change sex, and now look how much worse “his” science has gotten.

For whatever reason this did not manifest. People have been great, wonderful, accepting. I think I told them all over email that I transition, but for whatever reason everyone seems to know, as I want them to, and I have not been deadnamed. Nor misgendered, excepting I saw an email sent between other parties using my new name but old pronouns. From someone who uses the right pronouns to my face, so not sure what to make of it. This does not improve my view of him. There were some awkwardnesses, but mostly very much a non-issue – people ask me about other things in my life, congratulates me on things etc. but my gender or my transition simply is entirely a non-issue in the public communication. Which is how it should be. I do feel wherever there is gendering (not so much) e.g. bonding between people in similar strata of age, sex, seniority, that I am included as I seek. Some acquaintances are deepening towards potential homosocial friendships, other established friendships already are close and open in ways where I feel no gender barriers in the way whatsoever as well as fully accepted. All good, and if I will come to meet some of these people less often in the future following end of the project, I will miss them. Subsequently, I must maintain collaborations not only for professional reasons but also for personal ones.

What felt really good was how free I felt to present while remaining me. I did my thing (semi-arrogantly discussing figures, algorithms, results, interpretation; commenting on things, suggesting things) feeling much more relaxed than usually. Ended up with voice perhaps melodious and in middle range but not so high as I wanted, hard to remember while also being heard. That bothered me some (as in, I feel dysphoric when I feel my voice is parsed as masculine). I did all this with open-footed high-heel sandals showing off painted nails and legs, in skimpy summer dresses (not even black ones!) and moderate makeup, as well as my signature occult symbol amulet. That last felt important, I am still myself, still S as the driven scientist and seeker for immortality, still someone who talks too much and comments too much and pushes some boundaries, but also someone who lets herself to be as fully femme in presentation as she feels like. I did this and since it worked well professionally, since I had some results and got good responses, I feel this makes me believe that by and large I am accepted, with some fully, with others at least on the surface.

So that was all good.

Things continuing with many many many things at once, personal things and work things and formal things (like registration and housing and company connections that are not work-related), and I feel I can only resolve a few matters each day. There is a list and I do the most urgent things first. This largely feels good, it feels OK. Most of the time I am less stressed, less sad and fearful than before, or it feels differently. I can’t quite say. This appears to be less the case just before I take each next estrogen dose, so may be linked to the dips as blood levels fluctuate. When I really do get stressed from outside sources it is more obtrusive, less easy to not feel. Still possible to ignore and not act on, but not possible to not be somehow affected by. Sometimes vexing but worth it.

flow of things

Sort of want to describe in detail but not cool enough to stop and describe?

Kink party on NYE was delightful, more tantra-inspired things and other stuff that was validating, while also nowhere near what I would have hoped to experience. Future will bring further experiences still though.

Pronouns and names from people being wrong feels wrong more often. Continuing to grate, and probably will increase up until the point I am bothered enough to take action to change it.

Spent some time feeling worried if my experience as transitioning into a gender somehow is a more (self-audienced) performative experience than the gendered lives of cis people are. But probably letting that worry fade and rest for now, it doesn’t seem so useful.

nominae

So, apparently, even with family knowing I may transition, but not referring to me as me because I have not asked them explicitly to change their words for me, I do feel less worried but not so much less sad. In other news, I seem to care more and more about being actually spoken of as/known as S****, the aunt, the sister, the girl, she who indeed has done all the things I have done, and when language does not reflect this, there is increasingly sadness as a result. Interesting.

Feeling less and less inclined to self-misgender, getting reluctant to sign anything with my old name unless I have to. This means sending more and more work mails without a signature, which is sort of rude, but is less stressful when it is an option I can take. Wonder where this will go?

interactions

Was hanging some with good friends and their friends in turn, and was surprisingly downspirited by some of that interaction. More specifically, one man projected somewhat odd expressions against me. He kept semi-agitatedly asking me to show anger, asked me “what sort of porn I watch when I wank”, kept doing jock-like touching (slapping, playfight punching etc.) despite no reciprocation from me, told me I am “still a man” and that I smell like him, out of nowhere. I wasn’t really sure how to respond; with other dear friends nearby I did not feel unsafe as such though otherwise I would have, but had no useful way to act or speak in response. If I were to try to put the pieces together, I would somehow parse it as though he indeed does not see me as anything but a cross-dressing man, as such he would expect me to somehow deep down be aligned with all that macho bullshit, and he may have been trying to test if I would respond to his taunts thereby somehow proving him right in that regard?

In itself this is not so unsettling, as I don’t have to care or react as long as I am safe. But it does cause me to feel sad and dysphoric – simple and unsophisticated people will not understand me as a woman, it seems, they will see me as male as a matter of course. They will not see this as trying to be hostile, it will just be what the world honestly feel like to them, and their baseline conduct against me will be like they usually act towards odd men, not how they usually act towards even odd women. At least thus far. I must remember that I’ve barely started transition, I’ve not changed physically much, I’ve barely made any progress so far with voice work, I haven’t started hormones. Perhaps and hopefully this will change, perhaps I will reach a point where I will be able to blend. Hopefully without having to do more femininity than I feel like at any given point, though this also made me feel as though any expression of mine which is too forceful, too bombastic, will have me read as male by people responding like this person.

These feelings will pass. Right now I feel very self-conscious and unhappy and pessimistic, but those feelings will pass, and I will regain confidence in how hard or easy this will be. I’m sure I still do smell masculine, but I’m indeed on the way towards changing that, I will do my best in every way I can. To some regard, an experience like this (alongside earlier today the same barista as before once more sir:ing me repeatedly) is also helpful, it tell me that I have a long way to go. I have the capacity to make those changes I need, and I will proceed to make them. I will refuse to be more demure even as a way to avoid misgendering. I might also eventually become self-assured enough that I will call people out, I suppose. Life is learning opportunities.

xkfv

Drat. Even dressed properly, I am still repeatedly sir:ed by a coffee shop person who I am sure is trying only to be polite. That hurts, really. Though who knows: hair growing out longer, laser continuing to operate, then hormones, these things hopefully will help…