So, new endo suggested using non-pill estradiol delivery. First tried spray, then patches. Prescribed patches appear to come out to about a quarter of the dose I had the last four months. Tried this for a day or so. Issues sleeping, headache and so on could have just been weather, but general feeling of unease and that everything is difficult and draining and requiring vigilance, the feeling of not being able to relax and be present… that probably is real. First time I go down from semi-steady E2. This tells me I must make sure levels are high enough. Keeping track of my HRT stocks, and hoping, though having faith, that things will be OK with the doctor going forward. Learned he has the unexpected profile of having both a medical and a law doctorate. No idea why.

During the down state, ended up being more prone to worry and questioning, slightly more irritable. Beginning to notice a difference between sadness/tears in high-estrogen mode, and sadness/no-tears dysphoria in low-estrogen mode. The latter feels like active threat awareness and carrying heavy weights. The former feels like channeling something.

We are complex, I am complex. I need not know all about the origins or implications of my state, though I will explore it. But I know now I need control over my sex hormone levels, need for them to be where I want, and that I would go quite far to maintain that control. Whether because it is I need E2, or because having neither E nor T messes anyone up, or both, I must be able to steer this. I will ensure I can.