Tag: magic

radiance

So, somewhat affected, impacted, altered mood. Still no coffee, I will have it. Still multistressed, multi-affected, alive, much to do. Going to travel tomorrow, going to travel so so much and so much happens and so many meaningful touche in my life and I want to scream because I juggle so much of it.

But this is a blessing. I just need to wield it, channel it. This is magic. When I walked from the U-bahn to the electrologist, seeing beautiful street art and brutalism on the way, then I recognized that the right hand path magic application of the ankh in some regards may be the use of all three moons joined together in combination, whereas the left hand path magic of the moons has them applied distinctly and separately. This is only one true description, incompatible ones exist I am sure. I need focus now and I need symbols for that focus. I need the gratification of progress under fear, must not reward too much with creature comforts.

The recommendation made by Chettawut is perianal hair removal only. Electrolysis seems safest and permanent. The electrologist came recommended. I’m looking at an hour every other week for about six months, with two days after each during which things get cumbersome due to even water washing, let alone soap, not being recommended. It may cost up to 1K in total, which is about for times my projected remaining laser expenses. I presented, practicing my crappy Local Language of Babylon, it worked fine enough I suppose. I undressed and was photographed. Tiny tendency to tumescence under the awkwardness, despite by near-total testosterone suppression. Irritating but getting beyond awkward. I feel power within me of really ceasing to give fucks except deliberately. This is willpower exercise. I grow stronger still.

Then we tried it, without any anaesthesia. I’ll probably apply EMLA cream next time. It hurts, not from the needle sting, but from the separate heat and electricity applications. Nothing intolerable but if it goes on for a full hour the buildup likely will be significant, so I’ll go for the cream anyway. Some of the operations felt similar to blood draws or dental anaesthesic application in pain intensity, perhaps because they were gradual. I can deal with it but I will happily chemically cheat here. This now was just for ten minutes or so, a trial run.

Booked for next Friday. Of course I’ll go ahead. Everything about this is counter to comfort, every single aspect, but that’s precisely the point. Agency. Witchcraft. I move. I was moved, feeling tears every now and then going away from there, now on the train out to my office. This girl is beyond giving any fucks. And I needed precisely that insight when I woke this morning and everything felt challenging and hard.

The cumbersomeness fascinates me. In particular the hygiene aspects, the limitations, the likely healing challenges with that area, the scheduling challenges applying anaesthesia beforehand and afterwards. I’ll get to make use of my office ensuite bidet. For the second day after healing, when the aloe vera wears off, she recommends using an actual menstrual pad. It will be the first time I wear one, the first time I’d feel legitimate doing so even under an off-label use, and that feels stupidly, ridiculously validating just to think of. I will buy some later today (before, have done so only so as to have them available for guests as a courtesy thing). It’s good my use of own parts for sex is so limited and optional now, because that too will be a limitation. And for six months.

All of this is exactly what I need – complications, challenges, awkwardness, limitation, communicating using a third language at best with a care provider, all linked to the most awkward parts of my body. By ceasing to give any fucks here, I step one step closer to what it seems very much that I want. I step into myself, spread my vulnerabilities and exist. I prepare. I hold back tears on the S-bahn without knowing what emotion they correspond to. Relief, I think. Empathy with some part of myself that has been hurting for very long.

I am the witch.

deva eva

There is a lot happening. My moving has happened physically, alongside all the rest that is ongoing. It was possible through cherished friends who went above and beyond. We were ultimately successful and it will be awesome and it is celebrated and will be celebrated further.

It also was not a painless process. Through shortcomings of mine my friends had to carry emotional and physical loads beyond what they should have had to, and were hurt. We spoke of this later, and I took some lessons and recommendations and insights away. I want to anchor these now, so I will summarize them in a form I hope shall be maximally useful to me in doing better. Ultimately, I identify three root shortcomings in the form of toxic masculinity components I therefore have yet to unlearn, and doing so therefore will be a priority for me which I will integrate into my ritual structures.

First, one thing I have a hard time seeing myself, but which really in hindsight has been said to me many times before, I am bad at trusting. Not in the good will of others but in the ability of others to organize and carry through and strategize. This is essentially a difficulty delegating. It is a skill I need, and it feels like making leaps of faith that other persons can be relied on not only to act and execute but to organize. This has nothing to do with challenges or opportunities in determining where others are trustworthy or not. Rather this should be about explicitly recognizing good situations to rely on others, ask for their independent strategizing and action, accepting their response, and communicating clearly around its planning and progression. Habitualizing this then becomes one of my tasks. To do so, I will try to connect this to the Maiden facet. As the Maiden I can be open and trusting as she is with her comrades, and thinking of it so may help me remember. Slighly more complicated when I delegate to subordinates, but still probably a workable starting point.

Second, containing. There is a balancing act as I try not to avoid feeling even negative things, where if I do not sensibly contain my own emotions I can and will (and did) push emotional labour into others as they need to contain me. I know this is an issue, and it as mattered long, but I was still failing in remembering to do it responsibly even when in a stressed state myself, and even more as at the same time, I work to try to let myself feel and be weak. It is not acceptable that others have to contain my emotions outside of a situation of explicit consent. So I need a way to both feel even negative emotions and still be mindful outwards, a way to not dissociate but also not to lose touch. This again is the need to habitualize but also to remember the need. My recent experiences can be a wakeup call, and here I will try to connect it to the Mother facet. As the Mother, I have dependents, even if they are my peers or even superiors. I am responsible for shielding them from my pain and fear unless they agree to carry it, and I must shoulder that responsibility. I can still let myself feeling that pain within, and express it elsewhere and elsewhen. Having to carry the pain until it can be released, while feeling it fully, is a Motherly thing to do and I can grow in both containing and feeling by remembering that.

Third and hardest, organizing and prioritizing. Looking back it is clear I have slipped. I keep taking on more and more interesting opportunities and planning for things, but refusing – on my ego trip – to acknowledge the limitations of time and spoons. Then there is too little time and mistakes are made, contingency plans not established, paths not optimized. This is seen on the small time scale (case in point, I have been late for several things because my morning routine is longer but I do not time budget more) and the large time scale (planning everything for a single month with work and moving logistics). Sad as it is for my ideals, I must acknowledge I cannot do all things at once all the time. I must allot time to efforts and projects. I must set time aside for things, and it must be enough time, assigning margins large enough that I can plan and communicate those plans and make backup plans and contingencies. I must begin to set aside time even for crucial things, not rely on being able to do them as they appear. I must begin to formally delay taking on some things, and use organizational tools and scheduling to do so. I must formally set aside time to settle and optimize and reality check even less exciting but important things. I cannot wing it all the time. This is accepting limitations and measuring resources. This is judgment and self-boundary. This is work of the Crone facet. As the Crone I know I am not infinitely powerful, and that I cannot make myself fully free in the small and the large both. I must choose limitations to avoid others and to avoid harm. I must organize. I must prioritize. I must sacrifice. This is painful but necessary as all the lessons of the Crone.

I will endeavour to remember and be these things.