slopes.com

Everything happening at once makes processing it a worthy challenge.

I keep exploring surgery stories. It’s clear Suporn method SRS often works perfectly fine and that healing, though cumbersome, works well. But in the restricted channels I have access to, there seems to be at least a percent who has ridiculously difficult recovery. I worry about that. Specifically, I worry about dilations taking 3-4 hours as late as month 6 or 8 post-op, because I do not want to jeopardize building a life and a career if I can avoid it. For young girls with less responsibilities, this may matter less.

But I need surgery, and I don’t want penile inversion. Specifically, I don’t want any method that does not fully make use of the glans material or that does not make labia minora out of foreskin to keep the nerves in place. So the Mesopotamian clinic may be my best bet, as it’s stated to be a hybrid of inversion and the Thai method. In less than a month I consult with them.

The biggest challenge is, what if I am wrong and that is still as hard to recover from? What if it still has a Suporn-style contraction period of the scar rings during which everything becomes very difficult? I’ve searched as much as I can, joined more groups and applied for access to image servers. Asked people. But of course I can’t know if there is some 1-2% of women having it this bad also with that method. It sucks to have to make decisions on imperfect evidence.

The other factors: with Dr Bank, I can have surgery for 15K. Assume 6K for travel and accommodation in Thailand, and perhaps another 3K for same for a later revision surgery. 24K total, possibly tax-deductible. Mesopotamia, would be 20K + 10K for the second step. So all in all more expensive but not that bad. Might still be tax deductible. And there is a change my insurance will cover it, if I can convince them the therapy I did way back then still counts for trans purposes, even if it is unrelated.

There is also a benefit to the clinic being in the same country at least as my beloved home in Babylon. And it’s said that the Suporn clinic are very difficult to deal with if you have complications.

A drawback certainly: It may take up to a year or more longer with Mesopotamia. That means more time to prepare but I… argh.

All in all though, actually making preparations makes me realize that “petty” things – i.e. related to path not end – can matter to me. It matters that the clinic is close and how hard recovery is, whereas perfect aesthetics or being healed by 40 may not as much. And this is the case not with regards to pain, I am more and more sure I can take any amount of pain for a limited period. But rather with respect to fear. I’m afraid of being afraid but more to the point, I am afraid of gambling too much with other parts of my life project. I cannot be off work, or very improductive, for a year.

That’s not to say I can go on without SRS. I will have either of these two forms of SRS as soon as I can.

elan

Deposit paid. Preparations underway. It’s happening.

the battle belongs to the strong

So, read another (second in total) case of Chettawut handling poorly one of his rare poor outcomes. So going there in case I cannot get a Suporn date is no longer an option.

That then makes it more bothersome that I still am not sure how that will go – yesterday ninshubur signalled and emailed for a December date, but they have not gotten back to me, so maybe it was caught in a spam filter and I have to somehow email manually.

So now I learned about gmail filters and set all other notifications to silent, but keeping these ones on, and set this as my custom ring tone for SRS date notifications:

It can ring in meetings or at night and I will hopefully catch it. It’s several minutes long.

Fear of complications will always be there. But so would it for a cis woman giving birth.

In other news I have a terrible headache that will not relent. I wonder why.

gaos disgordian

This day was… hard, so far. Mostly for minor and weird reasons. I took too long to pack and prepare, washing hair and deliberating over makeup, as I want to look good for tonight – meeting mother for first time since coming out fully to her, and not sure how that will go. Then I realized I have less pills left than I thought – in fact, not enough for my current journey I embark on, writing this on plane – and realized eventually this is because I thought “90 tablets = 90 days” without remembering I have a 2-a-day regime. So scrambled to set things up so my endocrinologist can fax a prescription to a pharmacy in my birth country. Six days supply left. The thought of not having T suppression is not one I want to dwell on.

Then was late, and bus rides took long, and train rides were delayed separately, and then the second train was cancelled. Spent 150EUR on a taxi hurrying to the airport. Then had to bully my way into fast baggage checkin, fast pass through security, got an extra check there and had to nag them to actually resolve it, had to run – in heels, on moving walkways – to catch the plane and board. All stressful.

At least security checkpoint person called me lady without prompting.

Also trying to resolve housing issues that arose – may need to mortgage for a higher total than planned as contract spells out repairs needing to happen. Need to get a tax advisor to see if I can deduct any of that, too.

And was supposed to make headway on urgently delayed code work today. Did not happen.

I have another hour before we land, so I should start. Then tonight, will meet and have dinner with mother. I am anticipatory of that.