Tag: HRT

snow moon

Increasing my progesterone dosage to higher than before now. We’ll see how it feels. My dreams were a little vivid, my waking tired, and my day so far a little anxious. I’ll try to focus, basically. A lot at once. I should have more coffee, and dutifully do my programming.

ertia

There are lead-heavy things in the beauty of our alchemy. Life moves, it’s powerful, I mingle pain and pleasure. I am in love, I feel weariness, I feel pride, I feel fear and I navigate it. Beyond anything else I am indubitably alive, and eternally hopeful.

It seems like these past few months my emotions have undergone a shift. It coincides with progesterone but not with cycle position within that or maybe even dosage. Possibly enough things have happened on many fronts. Whatever the case, I believe perhaps now I am experiencing some form of the increased emotionality I was hoping for from transition.

Basically, when I have fallen in love, it has felt very very powerful and continues to, with corresponding intensity and realness of emotions indirectly attached. I sense this especially because I can see the emotions making me act sometimes rashly or stupidly, without it being trivial to inspect and stop those actions. This is new to me.

Not always practical but I want it nonetheless. I need to work out strategies for monitoring and policing myself better, if I can act on emotion now in this manner. But well worth it for the aspect of being alive.

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In terms of SRS prep, spoke with HR to check procedure for “being off work for two months, due to recovery from a surgical procedure done privately in Thailand”, not described in more detail and not needing to. It should work fine, my insurance should cover six weeks (need to verify) and I can combine with holidays + what does it even mean for me to be off work?

So it still feels surreal but I take the steps to test it in the external world. Moving forward. Probably will ask about dates again soon.

process! process!

One aspect as it seems like, I self-misgender when I see my own tells. It was so with smell pre-transition, with stubble pre-success of laser (somewhere a year in or so, a state change), it is so still with voice as I hear it myself, with torso rectangularity, and with genitals, whenever they emerge. This is something that happens in the day-to-day moments, and the effect pain-wise lies in the feeling of falsehood and unreality that the self-misgendering brings.

It’s possible to work around any trait; this I do with others, I parse others as who they seek to be. It requires a little mental work, but I do it as a matter of course. I can do it on myself too but it either is somehow harder, or it is how that then means I have to constantly apply a filter to my self-perception. Vigilance thing.

This is why tucking is good, it turns that need off when clothed. This is why I don’t relax well during sex when naked, I’m actively translating perceptions into other representations. Live transitioning the lived experiential and social body. Medical transition shortens or eliminates those paths. It successfully did for hair removal and a lot of the HRT effects so far. I actually have a mostly smooth face, feminine eyebrows, and breasts, such as they are. I don’t need to shift those perceptions around.

I’d want that for genitals too, so I wouldn’t have moments during the day, like when dressing or going to the restroom, or when being intimate or getting aroused, when I’d be reminded of tells and self-misgender.

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Then another thing, I’m sure I underestimate the pain and horror. Tiredness, pain, fear, no sleep, being drugged. Good part is, once it is started, I will be unable to stop it. I won’t have to choose to continue. I will have to. This is probably very similar to subbing. And reminds of Christ on the Cross, too. Thy will be done, not mine. Liberating from choice to be weak.

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Then noting a new fear. What if there really is a somatic counterindication? I’m deathly afraid of that, I realize. In the same way as I’ve feared so many other things. I’m wanting to get x-rays and everything done now already, though they would be useless, they need to be recent by surgery, just to know I will be OK, which is to say, that I won’t be denied. I won’t get them yet. But I’m realizing as I hope for surgeries that I will fear the chance taken away until they sedate me. So that’s a chance to practice fear management. I’ll try to ride them but to still feel them.

hentai

So, the thought was raised and resonated with me, so I should inspect it deeply, what of effects of HRT and realignment on my person? More specifically, is there the possibility that continued further HRT and body awareness and happy sexual and sensual and mobile experiences will get me to a point where my genital issues are a sufficiently small obstacle that at that point, the distress they cause is less than my risk-weighted fears of unfavorable SRS outcomes?

This is relevant because it seems to be the core point of my process of decision-making for SRS. And while I can wait and observe (and will, as much as I need to), I also don’t want to wait more than necessary. I could wait for Godot forever. So I should actively inspect this part and it will require some significant effort to do so. Luckily it is within what I was planning already, actually, it is precisely what I was planning already.

So for dumping related observations, what came to me on it this day was the memory of what HRT has felt like, not the changes but my relations to the changes. When I came out and stopped trying to present androgynous, I accepted being seen however I am, however my body becomes. I have wishes of course for what HRT does to my body and mind, and I am an active participant in my treatment.

But more importantly, I remember now what I felt: I give myself up for puberty. I surrender to the best changes my regime and genetics give me. I’m not sculpting my body specifically, I am surrendering it to the becoming of womanhood. That changed a lot. I stopped fearing so much, started to anticipate so much.

On some level, at that point I accepted that whatever transition does to my body, it will. I will be whatever woman I can sail to within the scope of my biology. It’s not only my choice but it is how I grow. And on some level, that also reduced my fears of SRS complications. As long as I move towards womanhood, there is unpredictability in what womanhood I get. On some level I feel this way about the uncertainties of surgery also.

This is not by any means a reason not to worry. But it may be a part of why I don’t worry so much as I feel I should, intellectually. I accepted already that the details of this process are things I can influence but not control.

cpt hook

So, learning things. I’m actually sad over things I decided many years ago I was not allowed to feel sad over, jeez Louise, who would have guessed? I needed “high hopes, low expectations” and mindfulness in relationships, and it has its uses, but all of me inside is needing to weep over all the times that still hurt, the breakups, the fadings out, the phases in relationships where I slowly got used to not receive any attention or focus, where I got used to being an afterthought or a complement. I can do that but I have to do more also.

I was happy – celebratorily so – at the milestone at finally having cried pre-sleep such that I have to blow my nose over and over again until I actually can sleep. Every teenage girl needs to pass this important milestone and I consider it an important step, a sign that I’ve actually grown. At some point, I will be Psycho Girlfriend, and I long for that day too.

On another level, when it storms, my past inclination has been to try to – usually with no success, but never mind that – seek hookups or escalations of play or whatever. Because validation. The thought of that now is… weird. So I want the perception of being alive and of things being meaningful that good sex brings. But unless everything relationally is Just Right, I don’t really feel that?

That’s sort of new. Thinking back at the last times I was with someone, I felt it interesting because of discovery and exploration and closeness and bonding and love. Not wanting to get off, and not wanting to seek sex in order to get off. After some time of intimacy, I can find myself warming up somehow and wanting to get off? Is this how other girls stereotypically function too? We want to be brought to sensory states and climaxes but we don’t have that wish saliently until we’ve already been at it for some time based in emotional connectivity and more conventional sensuality? Is this that whole foreplay idea?

For me then, getting off once I do want it, that is an issue. I can, with toys. I mostly can’t be seen naked, not even with other pre-op girl I am in love with, though I may be able to learn to. But coming is cumbersome, and cleaning up cum is something awful and I hate it. I really hope SRS will fix this part for me, will fix my parts while keeping them sensate.

So where does that leave me? I want to do hookups because emotion and symbolism and decadence and outlets. But I can’t easily because getting and staying in the mood is hard, without chemistry and with dysphoria, very difficult. And in the end, when I want to be stimulated, it’s a ridiculous and unsatisfactory hassle.

Perhaps once I’ve fixed my anatomy I’ll go out and have people fuck me, I’ll probably try it. May not assuage the need for connection and chemistry though. So how do I get what I need, except in relationships? Good question.

segmented

Before the holidays I felt a similar Earthiness to these days. I thought that was from starting progesterone, but apparently it is not so simplistic. This may be a hint of my actually having a cycle of my own, independent of dosages. If that holds, then in about 6 weeks I should have another Earth phase, with an intervening busybody Air/Fire phase.

tiphareth IV

These are days of force going up and down. All in all I am so blessed. There is so much to challenge, but I feel the world unfold. Life is adventure.

I must learn the saran wrap technique, must try it. My estradiol levels were not tested after I started gel, so I worry perhaps I misapply and my levels may be too low? Next check is scheduled for March. But there is no fear – I no longer masculinize, so even delays in my change are only temporary setbacks.

With too many crucial and important things at once I must learn to force relaxation. It is so hard. I must set evenings when I do nothing, not even emotional labor, not even quick email answers. Certainly not late chatting. I must set days when I do nothing productive, only go see new parts of Babylon, or try to write more intense words than these. I must set days when I work on forgotten projects only, or long-term projects only, despite any urgency, days when I just read. I must start placing these into my calendar, schedule nothing conflicting then, and adhere to them.

I know this is truth and that I can do it. Nothing stops me. It is still difficult. But nothing stops me. I am alive now. I know it is what I need, so I must do it.

Similarly, I must do what is needed for health. It seems documents will not be an issue, so after the consultation in April I can decide on surgery – if, and when, and where. And if as I now am leaning to, and I will go to Chettawut in Bangkok, and if I have the funding ready, then perhaps I have no reason to delay. I’m trying to get used to the really scary thought of doing it in December. Maybe one of my partners can join. I can’t assume they will, so will keep that open, for whomever can. And thereafter, after the first month, will I spend one in my country of origin? Or will I stay in Babylon, receving guests?

It scares immensely. It must and I must process it even more before April, so I will be ready to decide then.

I fear somehow having a heart condition. I don’t think I do, but I must minimize the risk so I am not denied. So this year is the strict deadline for perfection, isn’t it? What should I do?

I should attempt to make real – again, I can, I just have to dare schedule it – so that I sleep closer to eight than six hours each night.

I should attempt to reach fully where I want to be with the fasting, and keep diligent with probiotics and vitamins. I need to minimize risk for blood clotting, optimize blood circulation. So I should also begin cardio exercise. This is even harder in terms of finding time. I cannot become sick. So I must dress warmly, from now on.

That effort with voice, that must continue.

I relax into these preparations. Certainly there is also here a factor of having a complex goal and vast ordeal being something which empowers me. After surgery, which will mine be correspondoingly? Asides from all my other goals? I will find one, certainly.

Emotionally, I learn to be ebb and flow. I write heart-baring words and then brood over whether to send them.

The sun is shining today in terrible glory.

awww yis

So, other progesterone users seem to use the amounts actually indicated by the Powers protocol. I should do this also. Which does mean I should start cycling again, deciding on a starting point. I want to invite women close to me also on gel dosable E2 and P4 to cycle with me. Get in touch if you know how to and we’ll actually seriously do it, period tracker app and all.

Discovering that, as I had somewhat suspected, now that trans alignment and dysphoria is mostly under control given I am quite a way into transition, I’m getting to the point where I can deal with whatever my emotional damages are. I don’t know to what extent they are impacted by the loss of my grandfather. I don’t know to what extent they are impacted by the breakups which made me afraid. I don’t know to what extent the self-alienation of dysphoria intersected with body desirability perception to make it vaster and stronger over the years. I don’t know to what extent there were any hurdles in my attachment (in particular perhaps, my being so early in language and social development might have meant I considered myself personally responsible earlier than is healthy).

Either way, it’s clear over time I have a pathological fear of rejection, that I expect it, that this fear is very easily triggered, and that it drives me to constantly crave relational validation as well as to scrupulously ensure I do all I must to maintain good standing. It emerges, by and large, almost but not exclusively in my romances (whether formal ones or those odd cases where we decide afterwards it really was a romance).

I think this is good. I can do exposure training on the fear, try to remember to be mindful within it – which is almost but not quite so hard as not zoning out when touched – and I can try to use my newfound peace and introspection to define the edges of this phenomenon better.

I’d do well I think to look to my friends with BPD in how they cope with what they experience. I don’t think this is the same – just as I am not autistic – but I can still make use of some of their wisdom.

In other news, I’ll prepare templates for SRS recommendation letters. This feels exactly as when I asked academic collaborators for recommendation letters and they asked me to write a template for them. I made slightly different versions for each so that they would not look identical when I needed to submit both. There is some beautiful cosmic humor in this.