It really does bother me this thing about heteronormativity as internalized in the structure of this, the only world which is so fully mirrored about me. Almost every narrative of a girl experiencing love and lust is with a man. So when trying to understand myself as a girl, I feel that unless I share those experiences with my sisters – to the extent of passionately wanting and pining for boys – then I am missing out on being like other girls. More to the point (or exactly the same point), I am dysphoric over not being androphilic.

It’s nothing simple. I have sexual attraction to men (smell and looks) in various cases. I’m growing fonder and fonder of girldick so long as it isn’t mine, too. It’s all a matter of social alignment and… energy… somehow. Men that I feel for I come across at most once in a blue moon. That makes me probably mostly lesbian. And dysphoric because I’m not into boys the way other girls are.

I think I have heard just this narrative from cis lesbians too though. And perhaps that is the way? I must find and hear their voices, share their stories, and in that I may find a strategy. Work on compulsory heterosexuality together with my gay cisters.