Something which I am noting persistently over eight months of questioning and exploration is that the urgency and relevance of my gender fluctuates. This relates both to euphoria over transition steps and their outcomes, and dysphoria over things linking me to my assigned gender. Unlike someone who is genderfluid, as far as I understand that, I don’t really have any times when I feel any yearning to be my assigned gender, or any active genuineness in embodying it. However, during periods of low gender identification I rather don’t feel much either way, whereas during periods with higher gender identification, I feel a need to transition and happiness/unhappiness relative to where I am in such regards.

I haven’t charted this fully. I probably should, because it feels suspiciously like my periods of subdued gender-related emotions span about a week each month. Most human bodies have hormonal cycles, AMAB ones included, and it would make sense if mechanisms underlying gender identity were subject to those. This also makes me very curious if phenomena such as poor body image, eating disorders and so forth also exhibit monthly periodicity in some fraction of cis women.

It generally scares me when I am in a period of low emotionality around my gender. It makes me fear that my need to transition will disappear, that it will turn out to have been some fringe insanity or idée fixe. This would be scary both because of the awkwardness that would follow, given I have started social transitioning, but moreso because if I turn out not to be trans, then I would somehow be doomed to remain in my assigned gender, which even in these periods feels wrong when I think about it. Given this observation, and given the experience over time of these cycles, I find I am inclined to be mindful and ride the wave. So far the urgency has come back a week or so later, and I suspect it shall continue to.