the battle belongs to the strong

So, read another (second in total) case of Chettawut handling poorly one of his rare poor outcomes. So going there in case I cannot get a Suporn date is no longer an option.

That then makes it more bothersome that I still am not sure how that will go – yesterday ninshubur signalled and emailed for a December date, but they have not gotten back to me, so maybe it was caught in a spam filter and I have to somehow email manually.

So now I learned about gmail filters and set all other notifications to silent, but keeping these ones on, and set this as my custom ring tone for SRS date notifications:

It can ring in meetings or at night and I will hopefully catch it. It’s several minutes long.

Fear of complications will always be there. But so would it for a cis woman giving birth.

In other news I have a terrible headache that will not relent. I wonder why.

thing

I did a really minor thing today which was scary, and that is relevant.

A distant friend polled for interest online in a woman-only event, not specifying further. I know she considers trans women included in no-label women, but I still was scared to assent without adding my usual “yes, if that includes trans women” caveat. I did so anyway. It took resolving and I was shaky thereafter.

Which is meaningful because it is a positioning that I’d expect to be welcome, and facing a fear that I would not, or that – more importantly, really – I’d come across as an intruder.

That is to say, this was a first step towards dismantling that intrusion fear.

Which is also a first step towards dismantling impostor syndrome.

So much encompassed in a single “yes”.

process! process!

One aspect as it seems like, I self-misgender when I see my own tells. It was so with smell pre-transition, with stubble pre-success of laser (somewhere a year in or so, a state change), it is so still with voice as I hear it myself, with torso rectangularity, and with genitals, whenever they emerge. This is something that happens in the day-to-day moments, and the effect pain-wise lies in the feeling of falsehood and unreality that the self-misgendering brings.

It’s possible to work around any trait; this I do with others, I parse others as who they seek to be. It requires a little mental work, but I do it as a matter of course. I can do it on myself too but it either is somehow harder, or it is how that then means I have to constantly apply a filter to my self-perception. Vigilance thing.

This is why tucking is good, it turns that need off when clothed. This is why I don’t relax well during sex when naked, I’m actively translating perceptions into other representations. Live transitioning the lived experiential and social body. Medical transition shortens or eliminates those paths. It successfully did for hair removal and a lot of the HRT effects so far. I actually have a mostly smooth face, feminine eyebrows, and breasts, such as they are. I don’t need to shift those perceptions around.

I’d want that for genitals too, so I wouldn’t have moments during the day, like when dressing or going to the restroom, or when being intimate or getting aroused, when I’d be reminded of tells and self-misgender.

Then another thing, I’m sure I underestimate the pain and horror. Tiredness, pain, fear, no sleep, being drugged. Good part is, once it is started, I will be unable to stop it. I won’t have to choose to continue. I will have to. This is probably very similar to subbing. And reminds of Christ on the Cross, too. Thy will be done, not mine. Liberating from choice to be weak.

*
Then noting a new fear. What if there really is a somatic counterindication? I’m deathly afraid of that, I realize. In the same way as I’ve feared so many other things. I’m wanting to get x-rays and everything done now already, though they would be useless, they need to be recent by surgery, just to know I will be OK, which is to say, that I won’t be denied. I won’t get them yet. But I’m realizing as I hope for surgeries that I will fear the chance taken away until they sedate me. So that’s a chance to practice fear management. I’ll try to ride them but to still feel them.

multiturbulence

These are incredibly eventful days and I am full of billowing clouds of the most potent emotions. So much is happening at once, moving to a point where I will be able to describe it, with other things in counterpoint.

Biggest: The place where I would like to go start my lab made me an offer and I accepted. I am planning to go there formally using my female name. I will never get a better opportunity, so I will probably take it despite not feeling ready, not feeling secure yet. This means I am coming out to my main sponsors there already, and I am scared stiff that they will withdraw their support before the contract is signed. Hopefully that will not happen. Once there and secure, things can start, I can start building.

If so I will be formally and fully out. So I must come out to everyone else to. All the way to parents, to collaborators. I am so so scared of this. Now however it seems that what I am doing is working up the courage.

It all feels so surreal. So much in flux. So much fear. So much hope. Like I am being taken apart surgically, then I must be put back together again. I can only have faith here…