colour

It’s so hard to tell when something is a likely placebo, versus when not. I can not tell. But the last days, combining stress with some extra time to just be tired and do very little in the late evenings, seems new somehow, it seems like a somewhat new colour of me, feel of being me. I’ve had unusual (?) extents of afternoon haze, a little more tiredness, maybe unusual amounts of morning and other worry tendencies. I feel a little warm and, well, not swollen but raw? I feel I accumulate and lose water a little more maybe.

Probably just interpretation. But it could be that progesterone metabolites built up over 9-10 days, maybe that is part of a cycle mechanism in cis women. I will soon go down again to follicular phase equivalent, in a few days. Maybe this is more close to actual PMS? Is there a dimension of progesterone vs estrogen relative action?

Not sure, and that is all fine. The relevant part is it seems to my biased mind that this is a particular colour of feeling, of things a litle heavier, cloudier, but also of resignation somehow, of being calm rather than irritated, a little more vulnerable, a little more anxious, maybe a little more craving social interactions to soothe, craving bonds not input.

Who knows? I’m excited being me either way.

Also, trans culture is watching for other trans people all the time in public spaces, being uncertain whether we found one, and being super happy just if we thing we did, but not daring to signal too much attention.

Peace.

reflecc

So, some various things – book and standup poem having some implicitly trans identity denying undertones, each time leaving me with some dysphoria. Same with assholish person in FB thread being all reproductive essentialist. Common takeaway: I have become more vulnerable, in the sense that erasure of my identity causes a dysphoria surge in me. I am fine with this, but wanted to note it is there. I have gained some vulnerabilities, and my slowly growing closeness to the actual affects of my emotions (through their bodily feedback), that also underscores and strengthens it. Not a problem, just life, and interesting.

Also wondering if person without known science qualifications not getting my point and referring to “Science“ in said FB thread amounts to something like mansplaining? Because I would feel so validated if it did. I guess not really, but no fear! Surely, one day I too will be clearly belittled and ignored by men less qualified than me. The sad sad part is I really do crave this because it will make me feel more like a woman, just as street harassment does…

fruit

Weird. Contemplating “huh, maybe I really should become vegan now?“ with a similar emotional tone as “huh, maybe I really should aim for SRS in two years time?“. With the main difference is I keep returning more often to the latter, and feel like I sort of care more about the question.

I guess in some ways the former is the more important question, because if one sees it ethically and environmentally, it impacts lots and lots of lives of sentient, feeling creatures. But I am numb to that suffering, feeling it only on a detached, intellectual level. I guess my point here is, the same detachment is there for major painful surgery of my genitals and basic body configuration. Is it really like this for other people?

sodality chlorides

So beating the dead horse a little more still (tenderize!), just short of the six month mark of HRT I certainly weep easier. Today from dysphoria, frustration, love, being moved, and, a first since childhood, from saying goodbye to a loved one for at least a month.

Of course it is hard to tease apart what is deprogramming toxic masculinity and what is neurological. My belief firmly remains it is both; that deprogramming goes easier with an appropriate endocrine state. I also could recognize something; it is here not necessarily that the emotion was not there, but I have an easier time now feeling it in my body – face scrunching up, voice breaking, eyes tearing up, and also perhaps laughing and shaking in other cases. The body creates a feedback, it makes me notice the emotion more clearly and persistently.

Thus perhaps I adapt my body to be a proper canvas for my emotions, so I can more easily see them. Interesting, and with implications for minds without such bodies.

Sitting in airport waiting until I can check in. Trying to make a dent in the mountain of neglected research tasks. Feeling like the conduit for a storm, and feeling somewhat content with that. Now if you’ll excuse me, need to make sure my makeup is not totally ruined by my silent weeping. Much love!

vortices

Extremely intensive days. I have loved ones near and feel bonds deepen even further. I know myself loved and am deeply safe and happy therein.

Emotional turbulence in some form really is a thing. It seems very clear that HRT mid-term like this makes me cry easier. I love that it does. I now cry from safety, from being moved, from empathy. I can stop it but don’t usually want to. I cry tears without knowing why or knowing why I am sad, and I can’t but suspect that it is related to wherever my missing emotions actually went (assuming they really do exist, and that my relatively neutral state is not human default). Excited.

Beyond support and safety – marching for LGBTQ++ pride was great, though hot and I am glad we did not do the entire route – I also note people looking, and at one point we were directly and clearly harassed by a fervent man speaking transphobic slurs in Russian. I was very glad to have my partner with me. These and other moments make me sometimes feel a dark and somber fear that I always will be read as male, no matter what my efforts. I suppose this highlights that I want to be able to “pass“ even if I downplay the value of that because the concept has some toxicity.

How much will I have to change to get there? How much can a few more years of HRT do? On patches now. How much more can dieting and posture training and voice training do? In the worst case, how much could facial surgeries do? I fear there are angles from which I look extremely masculine, and ways in which my frame does, especially from back. I will do my best, and I will not lose track of all else that matters more all the same. I am loved and I am blessed. Still these things suck. I knew what I was getting into, though, I never assumed I would become able to blend. But the fact of so much going so well so far has made me hope. I will carry two opposing factors in my mind at once and proceed as I must.

Be strong and be kind.

diurnal

Was out drinking and dancing yesternight, getting used to (and blistered from) new nice shoes. This afternoon in a slight moody state, easily worried. Getting up and active should help.

Procrastinating by casually browsing SRS anaesthesia and aftercare, feeling whelmed by how cumbersome/worrying some things seem (anaesthetic catheter in the spine for epidural? what if I lay on it and get paralyzed? skin grant becoming vascularized – but what if I am the exception and it doesn’t and get necrotic, and I am left with no skin to shield myself with?). Though probably this is still the process of getting used to the idea, to my subconscious giving me exposure therapy. Still feels very very whelming, as does the time required for recovery. I wonder if I can learn narratives of women who had SRS while working in similar fields as I, to learn of how they could keep up and maintain their lives during that stage?

Curious on whether I currently have any sexual response. Fascinated again by the feeling of body comfort from genitals no longer getting erect. There used to be lots of microsensations, tiny swelling responses from temperature or posture or mental states, not visible to others. This always made me aware of my genitals on some level. HRT removes those responses for me and so effectively blanks out my genitals from my active body map. I wonder if this is something like an opposite phantom limb? If nothing else, then it does suggest that having these position sensations is something I prefer not to, which may be relevant.

Also need to ensure I do not fall behind on other transition work, either body reshaping, posture or voice work.

trifecta

I think I can conclude a few more things on emotions, a few more HRT related things trending now significance. Some were visible today so I noticed.

Four months in, I have mood spells lasting a few hours. Sometimes vulnerable/raw/melancholic/sad, like feeling emotionally bruised, more often being irritable/angry. Perhaps once or twice a month? No pattern to them, and nothing external triggering. I can wake up like this, or it comes slowly online. Like I am on a hair trigger and easily irritated, growling, impatient, angry. I can and do ignore it. But it’s there, rarely, and I think it’s new.

Another set are times when I am just huggy and needy, wanting to be held and comforted, and it feels very much like I need it. I note that while libido is down, there is a strong physical reaction of a different kind sometimes when sensuality rises. I can get weak-kneed from being kissed, which lasts for minutes and makes me more cuddly, but without me really wanting to escalate or even to maintain, just feeling dizzy from the pleasure of the nearness.

Then I think also I end up more tired at night. Some is getting up earlier, some perhaps a changing body needing more sleep, and some may be S no longer holding back, so that she lives more fully without noticing tiredness until it is quite high, or rather, not getting emotionally tired before cognitively or somatically tired.

Thinking these may indeed be filed under mental effects of my HRT. Other things happening, many good. Moving forward.

xp

Just to verify, I really am closer to tears these days, from stress. I sense the stress feels differently, less possible to ignore, no less possible to navigate and cope. Had to make a very significant effort to hold back tears in front of my administrator today.

And it feels great. I possess strength throughout this. I have agency. I have excellence. This will go well.

remaindeer

Due to logistics, ended up ~3h late with my evening estrogen pill. Could feel my skin crawling and the sort of sense that everything was irritating and concerning. Nocebo or effect. Interesting.

In other news, read heartwrenching fiction piece about a good dog and could not stop myself from repeatedly tearing up on the S-bahn. One step of a day of many complex frustrations, but in itself good.

Noting I seem vaguely to dress like one of my idols now. It seemed weird to me she would take her femmeness so high. Now I get why.

deva eva

There is a lot happening. My moving has happened physically, alongside all the rest that is ongoing. It was possible through cherished friends who went above and beyond. We were ultimately successful and it will be awesome and it is celebrated and will be celebrated further.

It also was not a painless process. Through shortcomings of mine my friends had to carry emotional and physical loads beyond what they should have had to, and were hurt. We spoke of this later, and I took some lessons and recommendations and insights away. I want to anchor these now, so I will summarize them in a form I hope shall be maximally useful to me in doing better. Ultimately, I identify three root shortcomings in the form of toxic masculinity components I therefore have yet to unlearn, and doing so therefore will be a priority for me which I will integrate into my ritual structures.

First, one thing I have a hard time seeing myself, but which really in hindsight has been said to me many times before, I am bad at trusting. Not in the good will of others but in the ability of others to organize and carry through and strategize. This is essentially a difficulty delegating. It is a skill I need, and it feels like making leaps of faith that other persons can be relied on not only to act and execute but to organize. This has nothing to do with challenges or opportunities in determining where others are trustworthy or not. Rather this should be about explicitly recognizing good situations to rely on others, ask for their independent strategizing and action, accepting their response, and communicating clearly around its planning and progression. Habitualizing this then becomes one of my tasks. To do so, I will try to connect this to the Maiden facet. As the Maiden I can be open and trusting as she is with her comrades, and thinking of it so may help me remember. Slighly more complicated when I delegate to subordinates, but still probably a workable starting point.

Second, containing. There is a balancing act as I try not to avoid feeling even negative things, where if I do not sensibly contain my own emotions I can and will (and did) push emotional labour into others as they need to contain me. I know this is an issue, and it as mattered long, but I was still failing in remembering to do it responsibly even when in a stressed state myself, and even more as at the same time, I work to try to let myself feel and be weak. It is not acceptable that others have to contain my emotions outside of a situation of explicit consent. So I need a way to both feel even negative emotions and still be mindful outwards, a way to not dissociate but also not to lose touch. This again is the need to habitualize but also to remember the need. My recent experiences can be a wakeup call, and here I will try to connect it to the Mother facet. As the Mother, I have dependents, even if they are my peers or even superiors. I am responsible for shielding them from my pain and fear unless they agree to carry it, and I must shoulder that responsibility. I can still let myself feeling that pain within, and express it elsewhere and elsewhen. Having to carry the pain until it can be released, while feeling it fully, is a Motherly thing to do and I can grow in both containing and feeling by remembering that.

Third and hardest, organizing and prioritizing. Looking back it is clear I have slipped. I keep taking on more and more interesting opportunities and planning for things, but refusing – on my ego trip – to acknowledge the limitations of time and spoons. Then there is too little time and mistakes are made, contingency plans not established, paths not optimized. This is seen on the small time scale (case in point, I have been late for several things because my morning routine is longer but I do not time budget more) and the large time scale (planning everything for a single month with work and moving logistics). Sad as it is for my ideals, I must acknowledge I cannot do all things at once all the time. I must allot time to efforts and projects. I must set time aside for things, and it must be enough time, assigning margins large enough that I can plan and communicate those plans and make backup plans and contingencies. I must begin to set aside time even for crucial things, not rely on being able to do them as they appear. I must begin to formally delay taking on some things, and use organizational tools and scheduling to do so. I must formally set aside time to settle and optimize and reality check even less exciting but important things. I cannot wing it all the time. This is accepting limitations and measuring resources. This is judgment and self-boundary. This is work of the Crone facet. As the Crone I know I am not infinitely powerful, and that I cannot make myself fully free in the small and the large both. I must choose limitations to avoid others and to avoid harm. I must organize. I must prioritize. I must sacrifice. This is painful but necessary as all the lessons of the Crone.

I will endeavour to remember and be these things.