moonwater

I’m beginning to read Sunstone again. It showed up way in the past, and I read what was then there, but back then I did not know what I was (did not know myself as a woman, which meant I could not quite know myself as domme either), and though it caught me, it was not quite so strong.

Now it was recommended to me again – by incidence – and with some additional contexts casting shadows around it that fall elsewhere. But like with “Pattern Recognition”, what I learned since changes the reading much. First, I recognize so much more. From the nerdy trans woman domme – who wears the same kind of virtually unique glasses as I! sight lenses set into reading glass frames so as not to hide any eye makeup! – to the dynamics and nervosity and perhaps most importantly, I recognize now similar wants and preferences and kinks in myself; where I felt alien from the story back then, it feels like it is almost scarily literally describing realities of my life in the present moment.

That is glorious and delightful and I am very happy to find it so. Will see how it progresses. Today is an incredibly hectic day, stressful. Being able to read the comic in-between in transit helps me recharge a little. This will be good. On another note, seems the price for Dr Enki’s services is not as high as I thought, hospital stay costs are within the quote I already had. So while I still will try for the insurance solution, given another year I could still pay privately. This calms and makes me long for the body I will have.

On yet another note, six-seven weeks without shaving gives me about a dozen actual long beard hairs. They bother me but just waiting another two days and I will finally have them electrolyzed off. There won’t be many more sessions now.

dictum dactylo

Have not shaved face for two weeks and still barely any strands. I’m at the last leg now to finish that step. Will see how much is there before electrolysis on the 16th!

But more interesting, even though voice work seems daunting and I fear I have made no progress, I find now that if I try to drop my voice like I would in the past e.g. to do a Nameless One impression or to sing base, it really feels straining and weird and I can’t do it much. So whether I have risen or not, something has happened during this period when I’ve not done formal voicework but just… lived and acted. This makes me hope. My baseline voice may not be what it was two years ago even pitch wise. This makes me happy.

Also emotions are wonderful and something is happening which I did not at all expect. Nothing is certain but wishes emerge inside me and if the world and the other will let me, I think I want to make them reality. We evolve. We become real. We are alive.

needles and pins

So today I was having first of probably 12 hour-long sessions today of electrolysis targeting the area outlined (NSFW) here: http://www.chet-plasticsurgery.com/dr-chettawuts-recommendation-of-genital-hair-removal/ .

Each single sting has a needle sting, I hate that most. Then the heat/burn; that is not as bad as laser, but combined with the sting it is. I need to focus away from each one, I was babbling in the local language of Babylon the whole time, mostly saying “what is the word that mean… hmmm…”.

Now I applied only a single coat of anaesthetic, and probably not in the right place fully, so may hurt less next time.

But either way I will get through this.

radiance

So, somewhat affected, impacted, altered mood. Still no coffee, I will have it. Still multistressed, multi-affected, alive, much to do. Going to travel tomorrow, going to travel so so much and so much happens and so many meaningful touche in my life and I want to scream because I juggle so much of it.

But this is a blessing. I just need to wield it, channel it. This is magic. When I walked from the U-bahn to the electrologist, seeing beautiful street art and brutalism on the way, then I recognized that the right hand path magic application of the ankh in some regards may be the use of all three moons joined together in combination, whereas the left hand path magic of the moons has them applied distinctly and separately. This is only one true description, incompatible ones exist I am sure. I need focus now and I need symbols for that focus. I need the gratification of progress under fear, must not reward too much with creature comforts.

The recommendation made by Chettawut is perianal hair removal only. Electrolysis seems safest and permanent. The electrologist came recommended. I’m looking at an hour every other week for about six months, with two days after each during which things get cumbersome due to even water washing, let alone soap, not being recommended. It may cost up to 1K in total, which is about for times my projected remaining laser expenses. I presented, practicing my crappy Local Language of Babylon, it worked fine enough I suppose. I undressed and was photographed. Tiny tendency to tumescence under the awkwardness, despite by near-total testosterone suppression. Irritating but getting beyond awkward. I feel power within me of really ceasing to give fucks except deliberately. This is willpower exercise. I grow stronger still.

Then we tried it, without any anaesthesia. I’ll probably apply EMLA cream next time. It hurts, not from the needle sting, but from the separate heat and electricity applications. Nothing intolerable but if it goes on for a full hour the buildup likely will be significant, so I’ll go for the cream anyway. Some of the operations felt similar to blood draws or dental anaesthesic application in pain intensity, perhaps because they were gradual. I can deal with it but I will happily chemically cheat here. This now was just for ten minutes or so, a trial run.

Booked for next Friday. Of course I’ll go ahead. Everything about this is counter to comfort, every single aspect, but that’s precisely the point. Agency. Witchcraft. I move. I was moved, feeling tears every now and then going away from there, now on the train out to my office. This girl is beyond giving any fucks. And I needed precisely that insight when I woke this morning and everything felt challenging and hard.

The cumbersomeness fascinates me. In particular the hygiene aspects, the limitations, the likely healing challenges with that area, the scheduling challenges applying anaesthesia beforehand and afterwards. I’ll get to make use of my office ensuite bidet. For the second day after healing, when the aloe vera wears off, she recommends using an actual menstrual pad. It will be the first time I wear one, the first time I’d feel legitimate doing so even under an off-label use, and that feels stupidly, ridiculously validating just to think of. I will buy some later today (before, have done so only so as to have them available for guests as a courtesy thing). It’s good my use of own parts for sex is so limited and optional now, because that too will be a limitation. And for six months.

All of this is exactly what I need – complications, challenges, awkwardness, limitation, communicating using a third language at best with a care provider, all linked to the most awkward parts of my body. By ceasing to give any fucks here, I step one step closer to what it seems very much that I want. I step into myself, spread my vulnerabilities and exist. I prepare. I hold back tears on the S-bahn without knowing what emotion they correspond to. Relief, I think. Empathy with some part of myself that has been hurting for very long.

I am the witch.