pneuma relish

I went to the Mesopotamian clinic and spoke of sacred mé with Dr Enki. His English was middling, but we did spend more than an hour, he wanted very much to explain the history of his method, and was interested in my microbiome research perspective. Of course it was a sales pitch, but together with what I already know, I really do think this is the surgery I should have, for a few reasons.

First, he confirmed what I expected, namely that Thai-style scrotal graft meshworks involve a need to grow new epithelium. This matches very well with the granulation tissues, scar ring contraction, and so forth. The Mesopotamian combined method instead uses urethral, penile and full-thickness scrotal skin to reduce the extent to which the graft/flap combination is stretched. I can very well see this in line with avoiding the hard part of Thai recovery.

Second, dilators are flexible, with a soft tiny placeholder there in between them. I can likewise see how this makes for easier dilations.

Third, the use of urethral tissue really is interesting – it avoids a scar just around the urethral opening when done this way, and may even provide lubrication.

Fourth, he actually showed me statistics of complications and clarified they even work with a Babylon gynaecologist in case they happen.

So this is, in principle, the surgery I should have. To schedule a date they need either proof of insurance coverage or a payment plan. Costs may exceed what I thought, because it’s probably another 10K for the hospital stay itself. So the battle rages on. They’ll send me details of this, and I will try my damnedest to actually get insurance to cover it; otherwise that’s another major cost factor. Which I can deal with probably over the course of the waiting period, if I forgo rebuilding an emergency buffer.

So going now seriously to aim for insurance coverage. And probably looking at a date next fall or so. Nurturing a hope that by that time, circumstances may be right for loved ones to come stay with me and assist me. I believe it will be so.

This does break my fervent desire for SRS recovery done by age 40. But… getting it done safely and well, and without too difficult recovery, may really be more important. I feel I can be (a) patient here.

conclude

Got to point where I go all Weatherwax and decide. No time to wait around for Godot and perfection. So the way it seems is, fistula is my only remaining worry over SRS, and I am fine with it happening so long as it is fixed. From what I can tell, only one surgeon offer free revisions in any form, namely the Suporn clinic. I could go to Chettawut with probably the same low risks and good expected results, but in the unlikely case of revision I’d need to pay for it, and I don’t have that buffer now. So better to pay 50% extra to start, go with the very most renowned surgeon (or rather his successor), and feel more secure it will work out even in the worst case.

(It would feel extremely awful to have to ask my family for financial support because my SRS went wrong. I need for them to know this is the right thing to do, from start to end.)

So looking into that now. Documentation will not be an issue, my therapist can provide it and they likely would accept my letters for Chettawut too. Dates are unclear, this will possibly delay my plans but the “must be healed by 40” fervor is less important than doing it right. Still want to if I can. Shouldn’t be much further ahead anyway. Waiting for responses.

Cost is a little challenging. I have the means but I also just learned I will have unavoidable home renovation costs in the next months, which I don’t know yet how large they will get. So I’m looking at needing to keep some check on my expenses during the year, until I reach a point where again I am comfortable having a buffer. I don’t like that sort of uncertainty but working with uncertainty is what I must do now.

Also my water pipes apparently ARE lead. They will be replaced, this is part of that unavoidable home renovation cost. I wonder if I have damaged myself during this past year by drinking so much water at home? Hopefully I’ll recover. Seem to still be able to function, at least.

cwenwulf

Already two years ago I started that playlist, all of it wolf-themed woman electronica. Added the new songs as I remember it exists. Will listen to it during the evening. I feel sense and inhibition both nudge but never mind that. I am alive and I howl at the moon.

Spoke about it all again. What I want:

– Being sexual without the limits of my body. This I probably but not with certainty will get.

– Being not triggered by myself. This I will get.

What I fear:

– Time for work lost in dilation (heh) and pain. This is guaranteed.

– Death or fistula or necrosis. Sufficiently unlikely with Chettawut.

– Loss of sensation and orgasmicity. This is unlikely but cannot be excluded.

What I feel:

– The situation will not change, this here is my one and only life. I have all data I need.

– I am waiting for someone to tell me I get to have SRS, just as with transition itself. I should not.

What I should do:

– Schedule the surgery before this month is over, then see how I feel over that. If I can, I want it just before xmas.

– Then later do the scary thing and let mother know. Wait, is that the scary thing? Seriously?