Tag: deadnaming

empty

My parents were gracious enough but kept using my deadname by mistake, especially my father. I feel tired and empty and felt distant and as though I was enduring some boring social game which me as a mask was pretending to participate in. I still feel empty. But I don’t know if these are connected. They probably are but I might also feel empty and cold and sad and distant and as though I sit in on some uninteresting class in a topic I don’t care about for some unrelated reason.

Or maybe this is how repeat deadnaming feels now.

flow of things

Sort of want to describe in detail but not cool enough to stop and describe?

Kink party on NYE was delightful, more tantra-inspired things and other stuff that was validating, while also nowhere near what I would have hoped to experience. Future will bring further experiences still though.

Pronouns and names from people being wrong feels wrong more often. Continuing to grate, and probably will increase up until the point I am bothered enough to take action to change it.

Spent some time feeling worried if my experience as transitioning into a gender somehow is a more (self-audienced) performative experience than the gendered lives of cis people are. But probably letting that worry fade and rest for now, it doesn’t seem so useful.

nominae

So, apparently, even with family knowing I may transition, but not referring to me as me because I have not asked them explicitly to change their words for me, I do feel less worried but not so much less sad. In other news, I seem to care more and more about being actually spoken of as/known as S****, the aunt, the sister, the girl, she who indeed has done all the things I have done, and when language does not reflect this, there is increasingly sadness as a result. Interesting.

Feeling less and less inclined to self-misgender, getting reluctant to sign anything with my old name unless I have to. This means sending more and more work mails without a signature, which is sort of rude, but is less stressful when it is an option I can take. Wonder where this will go?