moon mask merge

So what happens? My partner (once more in some form) said my face has femininized. I had more moments of not being able to let go of an emotional surge once it started, just deciding what to do with it. Touch feels good.

Got gel estrogen and progesterone prescribed, so will start a cycle now. I wonder if I will experience something.

Also second hand shopping, got some skirts and a jacket for experimenting with business chick looks, curious if I will feel OK with that or not.

EDIT: Oh, and asked my endocrinologist on the possibility of collaborating on clinical studies. He was open in principle and seemed surprised. Continuing to represent!

turns

Last few day have been intense work-wise. At the same time, other experiences along the way.

One being the background awfulness of (not all) men; dirty looks, some more catcalls, the drunk who drove me from where I sat working (if you are in Babylon late at night and see a girl intently hacking a way at a laptop in some awkward public space, this is me), the disgusting regular-guy-with-a-bicycle who was masturbating in broad daylight next to the park and playgrounds, well aware people could see him. I am getting more careful, somehow, more conscious of possible threats.

Learning better posture, slowly. Currently ignoring voice shortcomings. Feeling too heavy but still continuously feeling I actually look good, and happy in that, more than I would have thought.

Meeting professional connections. Thus far literally everyone has accepted my transition without question or comment. This is weird, but I gratefully receive it.

Still boycotting misgendering-habitually-Douglas the cosmetics chain. But gaining a better view still of Q&A that actually now had lots of dresses at low cost that fit my changing body. I got another five, three of which have floral patterns. Who would have thought?

Thinking more on my chosen name and realizing that there are trans angles on the literary character who was one of the sources (Sophie, of Wynne Jones’s Castle books). She becomes cursed with a body she never chose, with the context to go with it. She then does what she needs to fix it, her own brand of magic and wit and humbleness and weary smiling cynicism as she copes and works. I was always thinking of that experience, somehow, of accepting reality as it is and then going forward from there. Did not realize how indeed she too was stuck in a body unchosen and unwanted, and seen by others as someone she wasn’t. Perhaps it contributed to the affinity, however?

vestment

After a day of feeling quite good, went clothes shoppping. The situation being as follows – there will still be some time before I can again do laundry, and I am rapidly running out of things I want to wear. So for simplicity, went to large cheap clothing chain store and tried on 16 different dresses. None fit as I would want, and what I see now is that in my current stage, very very few designs work. They must flare (otherwise there are unsightly bulges from belly and bottom parts both), but flaring things that fit on lower body do not fit on top, they will be too small and bra will show on sides. Resolving to not buy even cheap stuff unless it fits perfectly, because otherwise in fitting room mirrors I look like a crossdressing clown. Even so, not all angles are flattering, my jaw and cheeks and throat look weird, and the signs of facial hair are there. Unless hair is just right, I look like some crossdressing slob.

That said, not only do I know this is dysphoria talking, I also see things that would look so great and fit so great and look so me if only they were cut a little differently, so it’s worth continuing to look. And I know I share that experience with 75+% of cis women too.

Speaking of my cisters, today had for first time in a while some number of cis women looking oddly at me, one snorting at me. Usually I get negative reactions only from men. Part of me worried big city people spot trans women easier, so that this would recur, but perhaps they just did not like my sunglasses. One stores clerk sold me nail polish, then gave me a free sample of men’s perfume. That messed me up a little. Perhaps it was just random. Or she signalled her lack of acceptance, or she simply instinctively parsed me as male. Those options in increasing order of sad severity. All in all, these various experiences escalated with me feeling like I come across masculine, which yields increasing dysphoria as my expectations change. I know what to do – persevere, let pass, all this shall pass.

There are things I can do with regards to that term – I don’t like the term of (even just cis-)passing, so I’ll say blending – I know from mirrors that I slouch, proper posture has real and true impact. As does smiling, and as does also remembering to maintain voice. I should tie these things too to the Triune Goddess, but not sure fully on how to work into the scheme, ideas welcome – which of the aspects of the Goddess are most kin to what habitualization of posture, voice and smile?

All in all, once clothes shopping – failed, at that – was done, I was an hour after when to take the next estradiol dose. I could feel that, and I could feel relaxation after taking it, washing the blue pill down with hugo, but really that is much too fast for anything but placebo to act. It could well be both placebo and true mood impact though. Need to instigate a double blinded study with that one trans collaborator who is also crazy, driven and brave enough to go for it, I will tell her of this aspect to the intervention possibilities too. I do thing my mood is impacted, anxieties return when estradiol drops. Should try patches again to see if it doesn’t, though of course then also any placebo or nocebo would go away. I did note about 5 min after the dose now that my worries actually deepened, I felt closer to sadness and also closer to responding to cuteness (saw little doggo), this being something I noticed post hoc so less likely perhaps to be placebo. Will see where the evening takes me.

It seems it takes me to hair washing, emergency nail polish, makeup and trying to see if (unlikely) I get into a hip club. And some slides editing. Check.