process! process!

One aspect as it seems like, I self-misgender when I see my own tells. It was so with smell pre-transition, with stubble pre-success of laser (somewhere a year in or so, a state change), it is so still with voice as I hear it myself, with torso rectangularity, and with genitals, whenever they emerge. This is something that happens in the day-to-day moments, and the effect pain-wise lies in the feeling of falsehood and unreality that the self-misgendering brings.

It’s possible to work around any trait; this I do with others, I parse others as who they seek to be. It requires a little mental work, but I do it as a matter of course. I can do it on myself too but it either is somehow harder, or it is how that then means I have to constantly apply a filter to my self-perception. Vigilance thing.

This is why tucking is good, it turns that need off when clothed. This is why I don’t relax well during sex when naked, I’m actively translating perceptions into other representations. Live transitioning the lived experiential and social body. Medical transition shortens or eliminates those paths. It successfully did for hair removal and a lot of the HRT effects so far. I actually have a mostly smooth face, feminine eyebrows, and breasts, such as they are. I don’t need to shift those perceptions around.

I’d want that for genitals too, so I wouldn’t have moments during the day, like when dressing or going to the restroom, or when being intimate or getting aroused, when I’d be reminded of tells and self-misgender.

Then another thing, I’m sure I underestimate the pain and horror. Tiredness, pain, fear, no sleep, being drugged. Good part is, once it is started, I will be unable to stop it. I won’t have to choose to continue. I will have to. This is probably very similar to subbing. And reminds of Christ on the Cross, too. Thy will be done, not mine. Liberating from choice to be weak.

*
Then noting a new fear. What if there really is a somatic counterindication? I’m deathly afraid of that, I realize. In the same way as I’ve feared so many other things. I’m wanting to get x-rays and everything done now already, though they would be useless, they need to be recent by surgery, just to know I will be OK, which is to say, that I won’t be denied. I won’t get them yet. But I’m realizing as I hope for surgeries that I will fear the chance taken away until they sedate me. So that’s a chance to practice fear management. I’ll try to ride them but to still feel them.

reflecc

So, some various things – book and standup poem having some implicitly trans identity denying undertones, each time leaving me with some dysphoria. Same with assholish person in FB thread being all reproductive essentialist. Common takeaway: I have become more vulnerable, in the sense that erasure of my identity causes a dysphoria surge in me. I am fine with this, but wanted to note it is there. I have gained some vulnerabilities, and my slowly growing closeness to the actual affects of my emotions (through their bodily feedback), that also underscores and strengthens it. Not a problem, just life, and interesting.

Also wondering if person without known science qualifications not getting my point and referring to “Science“ in said FB thread amounts to something like mansplaining? Because I would feel so validated if it did. I guess not really, but no fear! Surely, one day I too will be clearly belittled and ignored by men less qualified than me. The sad sad part is I really do crave this because it will make me feel more like a woman, just as street harassment does…

third movement

Lots of it now. Just spent a few days at retreat with my present department colleagues, last time before leaving them. Discovering last week I don’t want to go back to low shoes meant I didn’t, then I decided after asking several people to wear the bright red lipstick of giving no fucks while being classy. One partner commented “bright red lips means better not misgender me?“ and that was true. For once I have corrected people. Important thing: I then know they know I am trans, so I feel comfortable-ish taking up the mantle. Thus have used female changing rooms and bathrooms now with these people, and that means I will continue to do so, which feels woah. I’m all out at work.

Did it help? Yes. Together with bonding with girl coworkers as friends, including talking about woes and challenges and hanging out in the spa, I feel like I am here and like I am at peace, all else being equal. It really is amazing and it feels important.

Then… this weekend I will share a small flat with my mother. Right now, my default involves wearing a bra, heeled professional shoes and substantial makeup. I either still do this or I hide it, dressing up for the party sometime outside.

I will not stay in any fucking closet any longer. No way. No fucking way.

So I wrote finally a proper coming out letter with all the details, HRT included, and sent to mother. I wonder when she will read it, and how she will react. This is so so so scary. Support from my partners help, and feeling in my changing body how this is right, that helps too. This new calm me who can value herself and her own emotions, for her – she who is also crone, actually – for her this is still scary but it is clear she recognizes she must do this now.

It’s big. I feel. Time to sleep.