Observation from course/workshop today: Accidental, uncorrected misgendering (e.g. wrong pronouns) are beginning to hurt more and more, causing long stretches of intrusive dysphoric ideation and of feeling numb and near to tears. Like hearing someone died.

I can choose to ride out these stretches but I cannot choose not to hurt. Efforts to avoid or correct matter and are thus deeply appreciated. Noting my attention/presence/capacity reduced by ~40% in the subsequent hours. Intentional misgendering would not hurt so much.

Compulsive, desperate thoughts about what I could possibly do or change so that others would not make this mistake (starve myself to full atrophy? facial or vocal surgeries? tone down my personality to be fucking demure, become small and timid and quiet?). Mind boiling.

Would rather be focusing on work, given extent of current projects and deadlines. Luxury problem. Others endure violence and discrimination. I know. I wonder if I will have to cry when I get out of this room? The feeling persists. Had not expected that. I’ll be OK though.

*

Away from there. Almost tweeted this hence sentences. But did not want to seem so I-don’t-know-what. Still want to cry but not break down in public. So stressed too. I will submerge into work for now.