Tag: bdsm

moonwater

I’m beginning to read Sunstone again. It showed up way in the past, and I read what was then there, but back then I did not know what I was (did not know myself as a woman, which meant I could not quite know myself as domme either), and though it caught me, it was not quite so strong.

Now it was recommended to me again – by incidence – and with some additional contexts casting shadows around it that fall elsewhere. But like with “Pattern Recognition”, what I learned since changes the reading much. First, I recognize so much more. From the nerdy trans woman domme – who wears the same kind of virtually unique glasses as I! sight lenses set into reading glass frames so as not to hide any eye makeup! – to the dynamics and nervosity and perhaps most importantly, I recognize now similar wants and preferences and kinks in myself; where I felt alien from the story back then, it feels like it is almost scarily literally describing realities of my life in the present moment.

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That is glorious and delightful and I am very happy to find it so. Will see how it progresses. Today is an incredibly hectic day, stressful. Being able to read the comic in-between in transit helps me recharge a little. This will be good. On another note, seems the price for Dr Enki’s services is not as high as I thought, hospital stay costs are within the quote I already had. So while I still will try for the insurance solution, given another year I could still pay privately. This calms and makes me long for the body I will have.

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On yet another note, six-seven weeks without shaving gives me about a dozen actual long beard hairs. They bother me but just waiting another two days and I will finally have them electrolyzed off. There won’t be many more sessions now.

fvlmina pvella

Things are again so intense stress-wise I have persistent headache but I can’t let any of it down just yet.

Felt deeply lonely during the Friday, and almost didn’t go out Saturday because I expected to be lonely and sad also at the club. Instead I found a queer sex party/disco in a former squat, and going off of the experiment at the concert last week (project “talk to the cute guy/enby named Leo even though you don’t know each other b/c my friends dared me to”), I spoke with some people even though it seemed like that was intruding.

Meaning I ended up talking to strangers, giving several my card, kissing two, and being dressed down by one to my panties in the darkroom and making out. Which was amazing and felt great, and did so despite the person being a man. It helped that both the guys I kissed looked good and projected enough wokeness to fit into that space.

So I felt my touch starvedness decrease, and my self-identification as also interested in men increase, and was sort of euphoric-yet-headached the day after. I may meet these people at the local BDSM munch again and would certainly play with, and go to this party again.

I left quite early still. Did not want to fully lose sleep. Had I stayed, might have gotten spanked, but that’s for next time. It was then at a stage that I could have asked.

I need to keep on practicing these social skills. And I need to keep going out, putting myself out there.

The one I was in the darkroom with, before we kissed I said “you know I’m trans, right?” and he said he was “fine with that” and seemed to find it endearing I asked. The other one said he did not realize I was until I mentioned it. I don’t know if I can believe it but I liked hearing it. With Darkroom Guy, he wanted to go dance off his high quite soon after we started, but I think that was more him than me. More importantly, I couldn’t have been comfortable going further.

I really want a vagina now so cute people can fuck me in it. I want the casualness sex maybe can have then, once I am healed. I want to be able to get fully naked without dysphoria.

And yes, my social life has evolved to a point now where “going out” means “BDSM club” more than anything else. So be it.

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Today I should have worked, but I was freaking out over the uncertainty of a surgery date, that I don’t know it yet. I worry everyone wanting Suporn SRS have web scrapers that autosend request emails and that my watchlist marker will be too slow. So I’ve spent way too long today writing HTML parsers and trying out the gmail API. Still not there but once my workstation runs, I can finalize it.

The existence of a trans girl rite of passage where we have to write a web scraper to schedule SRS has delightful stereotype power for me and I cherish it even while it irritates me. Met early morning with an architect. It will cost to fix my bathroom once they pull the pipes out during refurbishment, but I think it will work out. I can save enough this year to be able to cover that even going for Suporn SRS early next year.

I need a surgery date now. I need to know it, build up towards it, prepare for it.

Part of this will be to fix the rest. Voice therapy starts next month.

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Laser today. Hurts very little. Before next time, need to not shave for a week so they can see what hair I actually have left. Will start shaving nipples so I can laser them next.

Going without foundation felt fine. I really do look very smooth now. Not all the way there, but almost. Even going away for laser without makeup felt OK. I feel I can defend my legitimacy even then. May try without foundation more often.

Soon time for sunblock again, and today was the first high-heels day of the year.