nomina nomina iei

Came to my parents’ place. Found for me:

– My name on the door is now fully spelled out, just my new name.

– An article about Chelsea Manning saved for me by grandmother.

Seems like I am accepted now as myself by my family.

nomina

My parents have changed my name on their mailbox to just use my current initials. They did this on their own initiative. This makes me feel loved and seen and safe.

stride

Wearing the E patches symmetrically over where my ovaries would have been. Maybe if this continues, I could even get tattoos that somehow define medication patch areas. Need a much fitter body before that, looking over my routines. Still have some tendencies to reward eating by the end of a long day and want to shift that into something else.

It seems all my family who knows accept me. They want me to come out to the one grandmother who does not know, so I am writing a letter. This is huge.

Had a wave of sadness the other day thinking of how much I’d want to be able to experience someone going down on me with me having the right anatomy. Saving-for-surgery thus on my mind. Found an interesting blog:

https://lifesexperimentblog.wordpress.com/

which is by a woman seemingly sharing a lot of demographics with me, she is polyamorous, kinky, working in IT (close enough) and otherwise someone who seems to some extent to be similar enough that hearing her experiences of preparations, fears, anxiety, progress and outcome of surgeries and other things may be informative for me. Will read more of it.

trajectory

Feeling better on more sensible E2 dose.

Parents becoming more clearly acceptance, they read some of what I write online too. That is good. Still a lot of deadnaming but they do say they try. This touches me a lot, I will process it and write more.

turns

Last few day have been intense work-wise. At the same time, other experiences along the way.

One being the background awfulness of (not all) men; dirty looks, some more catcalls, the drunk who drove me from where I sat working (if you are in Babylon late at night and see a girl intently hacking a way at a laptop in some awkward public space, this is me), the disgusting regular-guy-with-a-bicycle who was masturbating in broad daylight next to the park and playgrounds, well aware people could see him. I am getting more careful, somehow, more conscious of possible threats.

Learning better posture, slowly. Currently ignoring voice shortcomings. Feeling too heavy but still continuously feeling I actually look good, and happy in that, more than I would have thought.

Meeting professional connections. Thus far literally everyone has accepted my transition without question or comment. This is weird, but I gratefully receive it.

Still boycotting misgendering-habitually-Douglas the cosmetics chain. But gaining a better view still of Q&A that actually now had lots of dresses at low cost that fit my changing body. I got another five, three of which have floral patterns. Who would have thought?

Thinking more on my chosen name and realizing that there are trans angles on the literary character who was one of the sources (Sophie, of Wynne Jones’s Castle books). She becomes cursed with a body she never chose, with the context to go with it. She then does what she needs to fix it, her own brand of magic and wit and humbleness and weary smiling cynicism as she copes and works. I was always thinking of that experience, somehow, of accepting reality as it is and then going forward from there. Did not realize how indeed she too was stuck in a body unchosen and unwanted, and seen by others as someone she wasn’t. Perhaps it contributed to the affinity, however?