Went to a spa with dear people who took me there and escorted me. As it so happens, the date commemorates also my first year of HRT. I anticipated it long as a learning experience, and travelled from Babylon to the old WW2 border to have it. I’m writing and it is late, so I will end up being concise rather than poetic, for much happened throughout eight hours.

First point of relevance, I suppose, I was very very nervous. Some was being hungover from wine the night before, but much was fear of the intense Bathroom Situation I was seeking out. But I could not feel that fear emotionally. I noted as we waited to get in that I had all the physical manifestations of fear and anxiety but not the affect. So this is apparently a thing, I can be afraid and nervous and I’ll somehow have to look to my body for evidence that this actually is what I feel? Clearly I’m nowhere near in touch with my full emotions yet, but this got me closer.

I passed as cis to the lady at the counter despite her hearing my voice, because she gave me a locker in the women’s section instead of the mixed section. Changing there was scary as fuck, and precisely what I had worried about, though having my ex with me helped. I wore tuck and bikini already upon arrival to not cause any issues, still felt very afraid of being called out. Once we were in the actual spa, it was easier.

First few hours we did swimming pools mostly, in the clothed area (bottoms/bikinis expected); this was a new though mild experience to me. My makeup handled the water well and as hoped for, tucking beneath bottoms looked OK. Still took time to calm down, generally, and thinking of how I share this struggle with loved ones helped me feel resolution and pride such that I stood up taller and explored as I wanted.

Then massage – it was good, I am sad my breasts were not massaged, I am bashful it made me a little wet, and it did help me recognize the position of my body in space as well as to feel relaxed in a deeper sense. I must seek out more of it.

After massage the most important part for me, spending time in the nude section, pools and saunas. It turned out to be as complex a navigation as I had expected. Since everyone is naked, I wasn’t worried about negative reactions (though as per the below, got some!), and I had the choice of either hiding (obvious, cumbersome) or just moving naked. When moving between pools and showers and saunas, I sometimes did the latter, though mostly wrapped a towel around me like I see girls do. This felt safely subversive; not bending over backward to hide my current self.

At the same time, whenever I sat down in water or on benches, I closed my legs in impromptu tucks. I’ve some hair showing now that I don’t epilate during electrolysis, the placement of bush from that angle got me a little euphoric, I could see for the first time what my post-op body might look like. All in all, my pre-op state felt like a wound that I didn’t have to either flaunt or hide, not be hindered by but also minimizing to myself wherever I could. I took joy in being naked not in my pre-op state, but despite my pre-op state. It wasn’t perfect but there and then that worked. I felt like I was present as openly pre-op, and exactly that.

No idea how people see me. Some more disapproving looks from men, some more smiles from women. My makeup looked great despite it all. I was sad to note boys with gynecomastia still having larger breasts than I (though also cis women with even smaller). I felt I came across as woman clearly enough that I wasn’t very dysphoric, just jealous at the effortless presence in estrogen-built bodies that cis women get. When naked, I wonder how many people parsed me as trans woman versus cis man, if they knew the difference? I wanted to be seen, wanted the ways in which I now at least will make it no longer obvious, to be seen, and that was why I craved and enjoyed this occasion so.

At least one person clearly did see me as a trans womwn, because he followed me into the empty herbal sauna, sat down next to me and started talking (major faux pas): “You speak French? (Not really.) You speak Spanish? (Not really.) You are very beautiful! (Silence.)” A minute or so followed after which I concluded I could not relax there with him and I left seeking refuge with my friends, telling them. I felt validated in the sense of, I feel like a “real woman” by actually feeling unsafe from this, doubly problematic validation, but also not certain, maybe I overreacted? Kept trying not to meet the eyes of Creepy Man as he cruised around the nude area. Some other fetishizing looks, too.

I wanted a little more hot sauna before leaving so asked my ex:s husband to come with me, he was as always a true gentleman and I deeply enjoyed having him with me. As we sat alone in the hot rock sauna, the precaution turned out to have been correct – Creepy Man entered and said to my companion: “You speak French? Spanish? Your pansexual (sic) is very beautiful!” My companion took objection and asked him to leave which I did.

So yet more problematic validation – creepy stalker men not taking my no, but waiting for my perceived boyfriend (and trying to solicit me through my perceived boyfriend/pimp?) to protest. Feeling uncertain if I just imagined things but actually not. Still chaser stalking rather than just man stalking, and that highlights something else – he saw I was not a cis man (as I have no body hair, some hips, breasts, sit like a woman, makeup, some femininity in face) but a trans woman, a second-rate woman, a woman he can get at a reduced price, where he doesn’t need to be roundabout but can just approached because of course poor little me will be fucking desperate for him.

Screw that.

And mixed, mixed feelings over not feeling safe in spaces because of stalker men. Validating but objectively limiting. I am thankful for my friends and allies, trans and cis.

Leaving was again scary as I needed to shower and change in separated facilities, so as to hide. It went OK but I remain afraid of bathroom panic in that context. Still, will seek this sort of experience out again.

I think all in all my predictions matched up. I can gain body positivity and better alignment through spending time in mixed-sex, enforced-nudity spaces. And I want SRS sooner rather than later, all the same.

I now have everything in place to book it, referral letters were accepted.