dictum dactylo

Have not shaved face for two weeks and still barely any strands. I’m at the last leg now to finish that step. Will see how much is there before electrolysis on the 16th!

But more interesting, even though voice work seems daunting and I fear I have made no progress, I find now that if I try to drop my voice like I would in the past e.g. to do a Nameless One impression or to sing base, it really feels straining and weird and I can’t do it much. So whether I have risen or not, something has happened during this period when I’ve not done formal voicework but just… lived and acted. This makes me hope. My baseline voice may not be what it was two years ago even pitch wise. This makes me happy.

*

Also emotions are wonderful and something is happening which I did not at all expect. Nothing is certain but wishes emerge inside me and if the world and the other will let me, I think I want to make them reality. We evolve. We become real. We are alive.

thread

It is special that face is now in final electrolysis stage. I have no stubble. In a month, there will be new white hairs to remove, of course. Until there are not. But in between, I feel right now as though I neither need to shave nor use foundation. It’s remarkable. And I feel no stubble. It worked.

dolorosa

Got caught up in more random TERF fragments and can’t let it go now until I’ve placed my response here outside me. Some troll argued that a sex definition based on identification is more complicated/cumbersome/unintuitive, my response remains it is justified because there is a need, when accounting e.g. for flourishing or lack thereof of trans people. But the implicit contrapoint goes back to those claims of transracialism from Rachel Dolezal, with those seen as some sort of absurdum this reduces to.

My contrapoint in turn – there would exist legitimate transracialism, in case of some transracial adoption or even those cases where someone is adopted into a tribe – Jewish converts come to mind also. We should recognize this just as we do adoptive parentage. And in all those cases, there may be degrees of trans identity. And those degrees depend on the depth and sincerity of the identification, the need of the identification. That is to say, our inclusive group definitions are indirectly intended to reflect need and depth and sincerity. And we can never gate criteria on that, can never assess it directly.

Which is why inclusive identity label definitions must be opt-out, opt-in; they build on external criteria but with further choices possible (did Michael Jackson eventually still identify as black?), and this is the only sensible way we can capture meaningfully underlying sincerity, which reflects need, which reflects something in our bodies (brains) which a non-harmful civilization should let be reflected in our definitions. In principle we can make mistakes – someone may claim opt-in insincerely – but this is a price we must pay, should pay.

That is not to say that discourse now benefits in practice from a transracial understanding any more (or less) than from a plural or otherkin understanding. It could be either way depending on whether there actually is such sincerity or not. If there is, who knows where discourse could go? But in the case of trans gender/sex alignment/modality, then yes, there is salient sincerity and need, so it is there clear that the loss of fidelity in an opt-out/opt-in approach is worth it. It is a rational, sensible and harm avoiding approach to keep definitions such. This does not mean the perhaps-absurdity that those other cases would need it, since the question of sincerity there is a separate one.

slopes.com

Everything happening at once makes processing it a worthy challenge.

I keep exploring surgery stories. It’s clear Suporn method SRS often works perfectly fine and that healing, though cumbersome, works well. But in the restricted channels I have access to, there seems to be at least a percent who has ridiculously difficult recovery. I worry about that. Specifically, I worry about dilations taking 3-4 hours as late as month 6 or 8 post-op, because I do not want to jeopardize building a life and a career if I can avoid it. For young girls with less responsibilities, this may matter less.

But I need surgery, and I don’t want penile inversion. Specifically, I don’t want any method that does not fully make use of the glans material or that does not make labia minora out of foreskin to keep the nerves in place. So the Mesopotamian clinic may be my best bet, as it’s stated to be a hybrid of inversion and the Thai method. In less than a month I consult with them.

The biggest challenge is, what if I am wrong and that is still as hard to recover from? What if it still has a Suporn-style contraction period of the scar rings during which everything becomes very difficult? I’ve searched as much as I can, joined more groups and applied for access to image servers. Asked people. But of course I can’t know if there is some 1-2% of women having it this bad also with that method. It sucks to have to make decisions on imperfect evidence.

The other factors: with Dr Bank, I can have surgery for 15K. Assume 6K for travel and accommodation in Thailand, and perhaps another 3K for same for a later revision surgery. 24K total, possibly tax-deductible. Mesopotamia, would be 20K + 10K for the second step. So all in all more expensive but not that bad. Might still be tax deductible. And there is a change my insurance will cover it, if I can convince them the therapy I did way back then still counts for trans purposes, even if it is unrelated.

There is also a benefit to the clinic being in the same country at least as my beloved home in Babylon. And it’s said that the Suporn clinic are very difficult to deal with if you have complications.

A drawback certainly: It may take up to a year or more longer with Mesopotamia. That means more time to prepare but I… argh.

All in all though, actually making preparations makes me realize that “petty” things – i.e. related to path not end – can matter to me. It matters that the clinic is close and how hard recovery is, whereas perfect aesthetics or being healed by 40 may not as much. And this is the case not with regards to pain, I am more and more sure I can take any amount of pain for a limited period. But rather with respect to fear. I’m afraid of being afraid but more to the point, I am afraid of gambling too much with other parts of my life project. I cannot be off work, or very improductive, for a year.

That’s not to say I can go on without SRS. I will have either of these two forms of SRS as soon as I can.

mount point

Things are heavy but what else is new?

Arriving at the conference hotel I’d felt good about my presentation all day, though I was tired and irritable. The receptionist greeted me with a “Hello… (pause) … sir.”. I mumbled by “It’s madam, actually”, don’t think I got a response. I smiled emptily and checked in and went to my room, then had waves and waves of body loathing staring at my face wondering what was wrong, writing despairing messages to loved ones, tweeting, and leaving an unsatisfied review. Cried and worked and delayed rest feeling shocked.

They tried to knock on my door, or phone me, later. Then left a letter of apology in my room with some chocolates. Fairly patronizing letter not getting the point, and sweet milk chocolate is not quite what I want most to be tempted by as a vegan on a diet. Never mind that though. I suppose I shall have to talk to them and try to explain at least a little. I am not offended or angry, I believe in no malice here. I’m just hurt, as a consequence of honest misgendering, for what it implies about my misshapen carcass body and disgusting voice. They weren’t offensive, they were careless, and I was hurt. So would they be if they were in trans modality. It will be less work emotionally to try to tell them so I can do my political duty, then I’ll just leave that chocolate behind. I have a surgery to starve for.

Understanding now better how oppressed groups experience pressure to perform emotional labour to soothe the guilt of those who hurt us.

*

So on that surgery, I keep moving and preparing but I feel messed up because everything happens at once and I’ve had no time to let anything sink in. I have to, so I can process. I have to let myself rest so I can do that.

It was shocking to read those worst-case scenarios but I am beginning to reach an equilibrium again, perhaps.

Someone described her Chonburi organ (the sensate area inside the vestibule left from the glans) as looking “like a penis stuck in there, scaring away any cis lesbians”. One photo I saw looked weird but others do not, and really this is a selling point of the method, it lets material be maximally reused. I can think of it as the hidden part of the cis female clitoris. I think any technique not retaining nerves would scare me more than this does. And if it looked that bad, then the Suporn clinic would not be so renowned.

On the other end, someone described her clitoris as being not very sensitive at all. Ultimately, this I know is a risk. But it must depend on individual factors. I can’t see any way in which any other surgeon could do this better, or more consistently.

So scratch those two worries.

One said she hurt whenever she grew aroused. This would be swelling somehow. She noted that some other women who had been growers rather than showers before had similar issues. This is again something hard to address. It can’t be that common, and while it probably depends on how much erectile tissue is removed/retained, that also is not something that speaks against the Suporn clinic. Chettawut is said to remove more, but I won’t go to him because of how he drops you if you have complications. Mesopotamia are said to retain material causing the “bulbus”. So here, I don’t really feel it keeps me back. It may end up being an issue, but I can’t reduce the risk and I’m hoping I would be able to deal with it if it goes poorly. Honestly the description sounded much like vestibulitis, hurting while swelling, so it may be an infection or skin thing also. Can I prevent it? Not really. The risk is there with the surgeons I consider.

Major worry is the issue with dilation. Scar contraction, granulation tissue, so that getting to depth is painful and takes long. Some needing much time even years post-op. That is one of the greatest fears, that I will find that down the line I still spend lots of painful and boring time dilating, so much that it detracts from my work or relationships, not just during recovery but thereafter.

This fear is real, it happens to people. I know that it can happen. If it does, I can wait and see, but not too long. I’d have to seek help, removing scar or granulation tissues. For that I’d need to go back to Thailand, or void my warranty and have another work on me. It might not work. There exists a worst-case scenario where I’d have to let it grow closed and be no-depth, if I heal bad and have no life. I’d mourn it like the lost uterus or XX karyotype or girlhood. I don’t want that. But surely it can’t be more than a fraction where it goes so bad?

It can still happen. I’d have to set a time limit after which I am not OK with trying more. And I wonder if the Mesopotamian “combined method” which uses partial inversion heals easier? Then again, that uses urethra inside, there will still be stitches to stretch. I don’t think I’m so afraid I’d refrain from the Suporn method because of this.

So I just have to be aware of my fallbacks. In the worst case, after years of trying, let my vagina close up. Or go back to Thailand or get Mesopotamia or another to help remove scars. But mostly, try my very best to avoid it, make the chance low.

That’s probably the greatest worry. The fistula worry is grand and terrible, but if I stay two months in Thailand then surely it would show up if it was the case? Though I might not know. But if it does happen, I would go back to Thailand – I must budget for that. It will still be cheaper than Mesopotamia privately. It also happened more than they said – maybe even no less often than in my native country. But I somehow trust that it can be fixed if it does, just like when giving birth. The worry of not detecting it early enough; not sure how scary that is. Significantly but I don’t have the energy for that fear? Fear that it will happen if I dilate carelessly, in the pushing-through stage. That is a worry. And a reason not to be made too deep. And to be careful dilating. So mostly it speaks to the above concern on dilation becoming a big issue.

What else? Someone experienced granulation issue so bad it needed revision. Some had wound separation. These… I think I can get through these.

Someone had urinary incontinence which is extremely scary, as is having to wear pads from incomplete healing for very long. The latter goes back to the dilation/healing part. But the former, if that is lasting somehow, would need treatment. But that sort of treatment I think it is known how it is carried out.

So how do I actually feel? Afraid I won’t be thin and healthy enough by December but I can deal with that. Super scared for the poor healing outcome, more than from graft rejection, more than from the fistula or incontinence, because those latter all are so relatively unlikely, and likely to be already discovered in Thailand and dealt with. Scared of chronic pain and sensitivity loss but don’t see any other surgeon being less risky there.

So it comes down to healing/dilation difficulty vs non-inversion method in the first place. I am guaranteed to regret an inversion vagina, whereas I will only regret a lost vagina in the unlikely case of persistent bad healing. So that does not hold me back.

Then that leaves me with the fear of how to go about it if I need help. Some hours by train away, or a long and expensive flight away.

That in turn balanced against cost and how long it will take to wait, or more to the point, how long until details are certain.

I seem to calm down. It’s like when I was talking with several loanbrokers, or several employers. Feeling bad over that. And it was scary to decide on a loan and apartment.

I may end up just having the surgery with Bank. We’ll see. The need is to know what to do when anything goes wrong. I probably will do as I planned and continue to prepare for.

*

There was a reception and I drank lots of wine. Then I spoke to the hotel representative. It was OK. Maybe they don’t understand but maybe the understand a little better now. I hope. They may do better with the next guest. I’ll eat their chocolate and drink their complementary drink, and I’ll be fine.

And the next hotel where I am misgendered I will do the same, and so on, until I no longer am.

weight

OK, the fear remains. I really worry over issues emerging meaning I would have to return to Thailand or not be helped without significant stress. This may mean I will end up going with the Mesopotamian clinic anyway, even if it takes another year of wait. I haven’t decided yet. That would be my second change of surgeon, if so. Need to talk to my therapist about it also. Would feel bad either way. I wish this were simpler.

One way or another I will have it. Will continue with prep plans for Bank for some time, but exploring the PSC option. If I conclude I want that, I will switch there and it will be my final choice.

night errors

I now have access to the accounts of many more SRS patients, including a better view of what can go wrong, and the insight that while complication statistics for the Suporn clinic very likely is still low compared to other surgeons, it is still higher than the numbers most often cited. Reading the stories of struggling girls scares me, it affects me a lot right now.

Part of me wonders if I still should not have aimed for the nearby clinic despite waiting times, just in case revisions are easier, even if that means waiting much longer. And part of me wonders if inversion vaginoplasty might be much easier dilation-wise given fewer stitches inside.

But in the end, I do not want inversion, I need that skin to be on the outside. And I’m sure every high-quality place I’d go to would have its share of issues and difficult stories. I’m queasy but I’m proceeding with my plans.

Given that I need to outline my fears, as now informed by the unhappy accounts I saw.

For a lot of women, it seems their main issue is that dilating to depth is physically difficult, stressful, painful, and that even into their second year post-op they may still have granulation tissue or bleeding, and may need to dilate daily, having to take painkillers to do so. I say a lot, but I don’t think they are a majority, but I don’t feel confident assuming I will not be one. I have to assume that daily dilation may have to be a thing for the next years. It’s somewhat similar in scope to the issues I lived with when I needed hours for angst management, that which I transitioned away from. So this I would not want permanently.

It’s a gamble. Chances are I’ll be OK. If I am not, I’ll try to have revisions. If I fail that, I’ll have to have some revision that has the vagina healing shut, giving me a zero-depth cosmetic outcome. If so I’ll regret not having inversion surgery, but if I have inversion surgery, I will also regret not having the Thai technique. So I am gambling on a no-regret outcome as a non-guaranteed possibility. Losing depth would leave me mourning a missing vagina just as much as I miss a uterus or XX karyotype, but would still mean being less dysphoric, and would still let me have outside sex. I would be in sorrow but I could live with it. And that means there is a worst-case scenario I can accept.

Worst-case in another regard is incontinence, if there is fistula or something wrong with the urethra. I don’t want to have to live with that permanently, having to wear diapers. So I’ll have to make sure I can fix that outcome if it happens. But there at least this is something that women do experience and there are surgeons who have dealt with it. Combined with the above, I feel tentatively OK in that it will be possible to deal with somehow, though I worry that any such additional stresses will be an obstacle for me spending enough effort to succeed in my work. I so wish I was a cis woman and did not have to worry like this. Though it is exactly analogous to the uncertainties of a cis woman having a baby.

Worst-case in regards to orgasmicity and clitoral sensitivity. I don’t think I can affect this save for asking for as much tissue reuse as possible. It’s a neuroanatomical lottery. My chances are probably good. But if I end up without that sensitivity, then my sex will be much like now – something I have for the sake of closeness and touch and pain, not for the sake of orgasm. I’ll mourn what I can still feel grinding against someone (and I’m really scared of this) but I know this is something that will be equally true regardless of choice of surgeon, and that the Suporn method is the one that reuses the most of the sensitive tissue.

Worst-case in regards to pain. Some women have ongoing pain, either too much from dilation, or too much when they get aroused, or from vulvitis-like symptoms, or overall. I might run this risk too. There is a small-ish risk I will have something like chronic pain. I suppose I will take this risk and then all I can do is prepare and be ready. It too should be no different between techniques.

So not all issues have clear solutions yet, though I think all eventually can be solved. There are worst-case fallbacks I would mourn but can live with. Mostly I worry over how much time this will lose me from working. Hopefully all will go well, and I will do anything and everything to improve my chances.

I feel sick from the fear, obsessive over it, but I’ve largely done all I could. I’m second-guessing my decision to have this surgery but I think that is an emotion that was to be expected and that I can keep on observing. I remain on schedule to have it, and I think I will process these fears by seeing things through their lens for a while. I’m really scared for surgery, because of the risk of imperfect outcomes, but I still want it. I must let myself navigate and experience that fear as I prepare myself.

cog hack soft join

OK, that was not really expected but quite delightful. Finding myself out of the confines of my head and into meaningful communication and interaction and understanding and then tied down to a bed and getting slapped and spanked and clawed and having hot wax dripped on me. Then being held and hugged. Begging for mercy and feeling centered. Feeling really good today, relaxed, at peace. 🙂

caput draconis lexis

There was this interesting person saying she was in love with me. She took me to bed and we shared very intimate things about each other. It felt really powerful and I fell so hard and wanted so much to build something with her. Then she faded out. First, it was not wanting to meet other than Platonically. Then, it was not wanting to meet at all. Then, it was just not wanting to communicate. As far as she told me, all of this was just her issues with feeling unsafe with anyone coming too close. Her depression and dysphoria meaning she couldn’t spend time with anyone at all for the moment. Nothing wrong with me.

But then she told me in passing she was so busy with her friends, and with her new boyfriend, and that this was why she had been so distant. So I suppose she actually fell out of love, or realized she wasn’t in love with me after all. Maybe she thought she told me this somehow, but more likely she felt it was too difficult to say it to me other than in this way. So that’s an ex-something. Not an ex-partner, I suppoe, as we were not formally together, despite the above. Yet I need somehow an ex label for her in order to get over her. Ex-love? Ex-flame? Ex-lover? Ex-something, at least. Whatever it was, however little may have been actually reciprocated any longer as time wore on, whatever was there.

So be it. Am I feeling hurt? Yes, of course I am. And that also intrigues me somewhat. I’m glad to know my body is capable of holding emotions I can’t stop. Being able to hurt means I am able to love. I regret nothing. I learned such valuable things about myself, about how I love, hurt, suffer, long, respond. I learned to access my emotions even better, so in some ways she really did succeed in her welcome intention to get me out of my head. I’m stronger and more whole for this.

I’m feeling cruel as well, though I’ll let that mostly pass, I’ll have her in mind as I read of Inanna and Dumuzi in the Underworld. For whatever reason, I was not what she wanted. I am no less worthy for that. Though the pattern of that painful joke remains, that marks three people coming out of an ace/aro period, doing a test drive of intimacy with me, then moving on to whatever they really want. Boys, in two cases, cis girls in one. Not to mention the people who first tried me as a poly/kink adventure in the past. I’ll accept more applicants, I embrace my role as the safe slut to play with. Though be aware, if you get that close to me I’ll probably fall for you too. Fine. Hearts are made to be broken and to heal.

I’m feeling a little bit of headache, and a sort of determined tiredness but also some form of energy. Listening to Tami T who is remarkably appropriate for these moments. I appreciate the meaning my life contains, quite deeply. I’ll spend time making myself better. And if any of those who spurned me see me as whom I will become, then I hope they will appreciate what it was they missed out on.

*

On another note, did an STD test. HIV negative so far, so nothing there stopping me from surgery with the Suporn clinic.