I just took the first CPA and estradiol pills. There are so so many reasons for placebo, and confounding from other factors of my life, that nothing I observe here is reliable. Skin tingling and feeling at peace, these should all currently be imagination, even if something like them later will appear. Slight (not problematic) tenderness/pain in testicles however, that may in fact be a possible effect already within 30min of ingestion, I can see this being the case. Interesting.
tsunami
So it’s all going somewhere, so quickly and no longer all under my control. I came out to wider and wider circles of collaborators, I came out on FB and linkedin and so forth. Surprising people have been supportive (especially ones I am useful to, I note, but still!). No-one negative. A few not saying much at all in response, but that’s OK. It’s now officially so much cat-out-of-bag that going back on this would be awkward, and I am little irritated at that, would like in the best of worlds to just question and experiment for as long as possible. Then again, I need to use this opportunity now.
Voice training proceeds, with very little benefit but perhaps, as of last sessions, not entirely none. Getting braver – thinking now I’ll not be too afraid to wear my bras, for example, even when at work, because now people know I am trans. No longer using men’s rooms, though that leaves me at a loss in my workplace at the moment as I don’t know myself yet to be welcome in the women’s there yet. Laser proceeds. Epilation proceeds, body sculpting proceeds.
Most interesting, may soon pick up my first hormone therapy prescription! Feeling a need to document myself before starting, so I can assess any changes. I suppose I now am vaguely restless and anxious, though this is more diet than anything else. Prone to dry skin and dry hair. Otherwise, what to say? I should take photos. Then to see where things go. Not sure when to begin taking the pills. At some point before next week.
babylon calling
I’ve accepted an offer to start a small research group in Europe’s most queer-friendly city, in a conservative science field. I will do this under my female name. As it will be public, that means coming out to essentially everyone, earlier than I had planned to. But the thought of having to come out later after a while is even scarier. I feel so full of chaos over this, and somewhat as though I am losing control over the process. Still it is what I will do, it looks like. Really excited but also really really scared. Partly because this means my parents will know my questioning has ended and will be emotional over that, even if they may hide it. Partly because it seems to large and daunting to face all of this coming out, and likely losing some allies because of it. Partly because some easily-worried part of me feels that a year of questioning still is not absolute certainty, worrying that I will regret it at some point, at which there will be no graceful way back into the closet again. But this is where it is.
multiturbulence
These are incredibly eventful days and I am full of billowing clouds of the most potent emotions. So much is happening at once, moving to a point where I will be able to describe it, with other things in counterpoint.
Biggest: The place where I would like to go start my lab made me an offer and I accepted. I am planning to go there formally using my female name. I will never get a better opportunity, so I will probably take it despite not feeling ready, not feeling secure yet. This means I am coming out to my main sponsors there already, and I am scared stiff that they will withdraw their support before the contract is signed. Hopefully that will not happen. Once there and secure, things can start, I can start building.
If so I will be formally and fully out. So I must come out to everyone else to. All the way to parents, to collaborators. I am so so scared of this. Now however it seems that what I am doing is working up the courage.
It all feels so surreal. So much in flux. So much fear. So much hope. Like I am being taken apart surgically, then I must be put back together again. I can only have faith here…
chaos dump
Some significant energies were eaten because of some semi-known feminist profile in my home country came out as TERF. I have not read her thinkpiece, nor do I think I shall, but I saw commentaries and could not let go of the concern. When something attacks my basis like this, then it’s like a throwback to those greater angsts, the OCD-like response to existential threats. They used to be there with me all the time, now they are thankfully rare – only these things cause them, and that makes sense to me. I will dump some thoughts in response and let it go.
Several others have made the claim that a gender definition that is not strictly referencing chromosomes or assigned-at-birth anatomy will make it harder to describe and combat gendered oppression. This is clearly nonsense, as it is easy to simply read “women are at risk of death in childbirth/from intimate partner violence/etc” as “most/many women are at risk of death in in childbirth/from intimate partner violence/etc” and leave it as implicit that there may be statistical exceptions enriched for among trans women, woman-loving-women etc. It’s a non-issue.
More to the point, the person seems to claim that a definition allowing for experienced identity to play a part in the definition, will lead somehow to a discourse where the general public becomes more likely to come to embrace and propagate separate gender roles. I am not quite sure of the logic – that noting “gender is in the brain” would be commonly misunderstood to mean “gender roles are inborn and characteristic of birth-assigned sex by essential reasons”? I don’t think this is so likely to be a misunderstandng that will be widespread, and if it were, then we as activists could go out and try to counter it, making clear how gender identity and role are interrelated but fundamentally different concepts, just as gender and sex in some sense are. Do I risk thus doing memetic damage by transitioning? I don’t really think so, but if I do, I will do my part to counter it in turn.
This actually gives me a new life goal component – to effectively be a role model also for gender non-conformative cis women. I will do my best.
Some other worries creeping up as I slowly moved through the day, low blood sugar, tired, maybe hungover, en route, etc. Have I somehow misunderstood my own motivations, are the reasons for why transitioning makes me happier different than I believe them to be? Probably not. But if they are, the fact remains it makes me happier, even when playing on hard mode like this.
verging
Not much time to write. Much action to fill time with. Momentuous stillness.
A year ago I started questioning.
Now I seem on the verge of coming out.
It’s surprising how conflicting and scary that feels. For several reasons – staring into the face of frightening outcome-risks that I can’t assess how unrealistic they are, that is one. Probably the lesser. The other, how while there isn’t anything that makes me doubt at this point, there is still the apparent absurdity, how different this future is from all that which I grew up around.
I suppose at this point I am processing the fears, spread thin as grease in the machinery of the events of my life, the glorious mechanisms of my agency. Stay tuned.
flow of things
Sort of want to describe in detail but not cool enough to stop and describe?
Kink party on NYE was delightful, more tantra-inspired things and other stuff that was validating, while also nowhere near what I would have hoped to experience. Future will bring further experiences still though.
Pronouns and names from people being wrong feels wrong more often. Continuing to grate, and probably will increase up until the point I am bothered enough to take action to change it.
Spent some time feeling worried if my experience as transitioning into a gender somehow is a more (self-audienced) performative experience than the gendered lives of cis people are. But probably letting that worry fade and rest for now, it doesn’t seem so useful.
nominae
So, apparently, even with family knowing I may transition, but not referring to me as me because I have not asked them explicitly to change their words for me, I do feel less worried but not so much less sad. In other news, I seem to care more and more about being actually spoken of as/known as S****, the aunt, the sister, the girl, she who indeed has done all the things I have done, and when language does not reflect this, there is increasingly sadness as a result. Interesting.
Feeling less and less inclined to self-misgender, getting reluctant to sign anything with my old name unless I have to. This means sending more and more work mails without a signature, which is sort of rude, but is less stressful when it is an option I can take. Wonder where this will go?
missing the point
With parents for holidays. Still red and with acne-like issues from the recent laser, so topic came up with parent. They did not state disapproval, but their facial expression did. Clearly implying, why risk damages from laser and not just shave a few times each day? Well, cis woman, you try having to shave a few times each day and still be gendered male by all around you, see how that feels. Would you really be so detached as you pride yourself to be?
In addition, casual remark along the lines of, “I’ve always felt elective procedures are weird, I’d prefer if everyone just got to be themselves, if everyone just got to look like they wanted“. At which point I chose not to point out that I, for one need elective procedures in order to be myself, in order to look like I want. Do they not see the absurdity in their own statement? Presumably not, I suppose.
Still, having a decent enough time. It’s OK. Will get some work and some correspondence done, sitting in the same room drinking mulled wine and ginger brews. Later time for sauna.
double slit experiment
Had next laser appointment. Mixed bag. Not with regular dermatologist because I am in my alma mater town for holidays. This one is not medical but cosmetic, but I think the procedure should still be fine.
They asked if I wanted anesthesia. Previously have not had. So showed up an hour early for this, had to wait some 45 min anyway so whole thing took very long. They smeared my face with xylocaine or something, covering in plastic while I spent an hour writing Perl scripts and emails. I asked whether they could do laser – in principle – on other body surfaces. The technician said they did not do bottom parts for men, only for women, because they did not like it. Why mention this to me? I can only understand it as them seeing me as, fundamentally, a man, never mind I came to them stating I was a trans woman and giving my female name. So clearly I do not blend for this person. There was again no ill will. Just another experience that stuck with me and made me feel surprisingly sad. They later misgendered me (talking for some time with a colleague about me as “he”), and that too felt worse than it used to. It’s not a pain, it’s a numbness or sadness. It may be I am becoming increasingly subject to dysphoria.
Never minding that, nor the other minor weirdnesses (requiring cash payment or an obscure national-only transfer app, not providing receipts, not having proper change), the thing was technically interesting and useful. Anesthesia was to allow higher strength laser, and even with it, and with them using cooling pastes, I could not go all the way up. I asked now to have a few seconds, then a few seconds break, and so on, and this helped, the individual stings are not the problem, the buildup over time is – both short series or overall.
Pain was very different also in different regions. Almost nothing where skin is soft. Very harsh on chin and under it. Presumably this is about how thick the hairs are, and on whether there is soft tissue or bone beneath? Some areas don’t really bother me at all, but for some it took effort to cope. Then cold water and aloe vera afterwards, again very different from the minimalism of my dermatologist. I guess I will know in a few weeks if this worked better.
Not looking forward to more of this pain but I will take it in order to be able to relate to my face. Still considering body laser, but only if that hurts more like the cheeks, and not like the chins. Considering trying out epilators, and happy to have a full-on waxing session scheduled before the NYE party.
lost in transition 