dirt

Went out late, got dressed late. Ultimately did not put on foundation, may look OK anyway. Longing for that time when no stubble remains.

On way home, saw two men parking car. When inside my courtyard, opening the house door, two men came in after me, looked around, then went out again. It could have been the same ones or others. They may have been looking for whatever and not found it.

They might also have followed me and then when they saw the yard was not dark and I already at my door they went back again. But if so – and it bothers me that I do not know – then they would have been targeting me. Presumably thinking I was cis (in heels and a skimpy dress, carrying a big grocery bag) and wanting to do something to me that I don’t want to think about.

Intermingling confusion, uncertainty, the most messed up kind of validation, and fear. And feminist vindication, whether this was an actual unsafe situation or not. Mostly fear and anger either way. Rite of passage of womanhood, I suppose, and probably not the last time in any way…

All fine now, you need not worry. I will perform a burst of analysis, then cook food and watch cartoons.

atrocity

It used to be the case that whenever I was attracted to someone, it was always due to properties I would want for myself, I would be drawn only to things I also would want to be embody. I long parsed my feelings about myself so as to this being something that was only logical, certainly every person would – should – also want to embody all properties they found attractive? This seems not always to be the perspective of other people.

In any case, I am now experiencing some cases where people are interesting or attractive in the sense that I am drawn to them and fascinated by them, but they do not register to that part of my mind that notes their appearance as something I would like to embody. This is new and alien to me, and I suppose it is not as new to others.

blend

As I may have written, I do not want to talk of passing. Better to speak of blending. The question is, how well do I blend? I honestly don’t know and it bothers me and I want the help of others to find out.

When dolled up, I do get some creepy or nice men flirting sometimes, and I do get some catcalls. But are these people seeing me as a woman or as a fetish?

Do people who see me casually all know I am trans, or are there some who actually do not? I would like to know, if nothing else then so as to know where I am developmentally.

alters

Moving through the spaces where I am and where I express. Asked panel question being shown on big screen and on microphone, danced, spent time. I note that except for some of the time, I feel better and better about how I look, so long as I take it far enough, and I feel safer and safer – natural is not the word, but comfortable? – presenting and taking space as I do.

At the same time, voice confidence varies. I enjoy using mine except when I have to project loud enough, because then pitch becomes wrong one way or another. No fun to become heard in noisy environments.

Things going somewhere.

conventional

At my first non-games oriented convention. Did Vulcan femme cosplay with a dear cisfemale friend, interesting and precious (and we looked good) though I do worry in context people will somehow believe I am crossplaying, which begins to matter more that they do not.

Similarly was freaking out with blanked wavy shock/sadness (sudden onset dysphoria?) with my nametag having my deadname. They were nice about changing it though, and it feels good to have/grow the normalcy of participating unquestioned as female.

Then running out of clothes because unprepared, and now experimenting with long tops over short skirts. Concerned with the resulting squareness, and the smallness of my bust when not wearing that one really flattering bra, but this is in a sense an experience I must share at some point with every woman. Moving through it.

In other notes, doing science and drinking overpriced wheat beer.

remaindeer

Due to logistics, ended up ~3h late with my evening estrogen pill. Could feel my skin crawling and the sort of sense that everything was irritating and concerning. Nocebo or effect. Interesting.

In other news, read heartwrenching fiction piece about a good dog and could not stop myself from repeatedly tearing up on the S-bahn. One step of a day of many complex frustrations, but in itself good.

Noting I seem vaguely to dress like one of my idols now. It seemed weird to me she would take her femmeness so high. Now I get why.

wholesome validations for once

Some validation which for once is not problematic: The host institute has a mailing list for all female employees, apparently, where now was sent out a call for the election of a “women’s representative“. A little old-fashioned compared to the corresponding equality strategies in my earlier lab, but still an overall good thing. As a woman employee, I am on this mailing list, and I am eligible to vote. This delights me.

felicitations

Yesternight was catcalled for the second time, in a much less overall unsavoury location than last. Felt a little slimy, not so unsafe (police car nearby if nothing else), weirdly and problematically validating, and sad, because presumably same person would end up angry and scary if he had gotten close enough that he would have known I was trans. Guy in open-roofed car calling something to me and smiling, presumably wanting me to get in?

This morning, feeling the stress of all that I have to do, sensing it as pain and irritation and pressure. It will be fine, just feeling it. Will act to reduce amount of unsolved major challenges, and then will feel better. Also need to take proper fun time and recharge time, and to set up infrastructures from those. I have the space to make a life now, so I should do that.

https://lost-in-transition.tumblr.com/post/173781578899/audio_player_iframe/lost-in-transition/tumblr_n4uuuzDHBN1rixhhj?audio_file=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.tumblr.com%2Faudio_file%2Flost-in-transition%2F173781578899%2Ftumblr_n4uuuzDHBN1rixhhj

prozdvoices:

Goofy sings CRUEL ANGEL’S THESIS

gelatart-reblogs asked:

Would you be willing to do Goofy singing Cruel Angel’s Thesis from Neon Genesis Evangelion? 😛

Okay, I get like five thousand Goofy requests daily, but when I read this one, I burst out laughing even just THINKING about it.

Edit: You can download it here.

Entirely unrelated to gender. Just had to share it. Because Zankoku na tenshi cover.

ladders

Feeling the long day. Mother used the right name once, then the wrong name a few times, but she did use it, and really this was the first time I heard her speak those syllables to me. This is undoubtedly a step forward. Many left to go, but still there.

Felt the headache from the weather, I remain a weather witch whose head hurts when rain must fall. Noted very strongly now anxieties mounting as I approached the 12-hour mark from my estrogen pill. Had to get home to get the next one (mixed it up with caffeine and ibuprofen too) and all these things helped.

Tried to clean and furnish but it got too much in candlelight and darkness. More tomorrow is coming. Now finding myself listening to another youtube lecture by an very accomplished (trans) woman in a field adjacent to mine: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSOWxndRdas ; I had the fortune to meet her earlier and I think I may even have tumbld about it; like seeing who I might be ten years from now, the sort of thing we use big sisters for. I guess we all need role models.