pew research

Laser today. Now up at 25 units of whatever that is. Not really bothered by this pain, plus it feels less. Thinking of asking them to do the regions that are recommended for hair removal in preparation for Chettawut SRS, you know, just in case. Just feels awkward to ask one’s laser technician; “Could you laser my perineum? You know, this part here?“ Not least because I don’t know if that would reveal unexpected and hitherto hidden transphobia, “we only do intimate treatment for women“… which also would hurt. Bothered more by this hurt than by the thought of laser blisters on my intimates, which I suppose is interesting.

Doing an experiment involving HRT and placebo on a short scale. Will see if I finish it, and will write it up here if I do. Yay anecdata!

diurnal

Was out drinking and dancing yesternight, getting used to (and blistered from) new nice shoes. This afternoon in a slight moody state, easily worried. Getting up and active should help.

Procrastinating by casually browsing SRS anaesthesia and aftercare, feeling whelmed by how cumbersome/worrying some things seem (anaesthetic catheter in the spine for epidural? what if I lay on it and get paralyzed? skin grant becoming vascularized – but what if I am the exception and it doesn’t and get necrotic, and I am left with no skin to shield myself with?). Though probably this is still the process of getting used to the idea, to my subconscious giving me exposure therapy. Still feels very very whelming, as does the time required for recovery. I wonder if I can learn narratives of women who had SRS while working in similar fields as I, to learn of how they could keep up and maintain their lives during that stage?

Curious on whether I currently have any sexual response. Fascinated again by the feeling of body comfort from genitals no longer getting erect. There used to be lots of microsensations, tiny swelling responses from temperature or posture or mental states, not visible to others. This always made me aware of my genitals on some level. HRT removes those responses for me and so effectively blanks out my genitals from my active body map. I wonder if this is something like an opposite phantom limb? If nothing else, then it does suggest that having these position sensations is something I prefer not to, which may be relevant.

Also need to ensure I do not fall behind on other transition work, either body reshaping, posture or voice work.

visibility

So, in non-anonymous form I spent some time writing things making myself visible on the internet as an LGBTQ++ STEM researcher. Now it’s LGBT STEM pride day and some people are linking these. This is both scary and flattering and heartwarming. Yet another step towards somewhere I want to be. Just need to make sure I stay worthy science-wise.

particip

Wondering over how and why it is that I know I feel strong longings for some things without feeling much in the moment. It does seem dissociative, and certainly I am not all cured – social and medical transition has begun to help, but must proceed, and probably I should help it along with a therapist.

I just realized one way in which it may work here, though. Thinking a lot about bottom surgery these days. I wonder if to a reader or listener, there is a point where I suddenly started talking about it a lot, and now won’t shut up about it? It’s on my mind a lot, mostly in terms of how to work around the problems, what the challenges are, how to deal with those. Planning, almost.

What I don’t do is look at the hoped-for outcome, the result. I don’t let myself think of what I could experience if it really worked out, don’t let myself feel that. The few times I do I’ve felt weepy. I’m recognizing this as how it’s been when I’ve worked hard toward other things, like my PhD. I’m too scared of not reaching the outcome (that is, I am whelmed with the scope and challenge of the path), so to protect myself from disappointment I don’t let myself look forward to it. I veer my mental eye away from it. I know it’s there but don’t want to look at it until I know it can’t be taken away from me any longer.

This may be why I obsess with laying groundwork to allow SRS for myself, but do not feel much as I do so. I sense the longing as a sun behind clouds, and I stay away mentally because if I expected, not just hoped, I could get hurt. Thus I can’t feel how much I want it, most of the time, it’s just evident in my actions.

In a way this is challenging because one part of the preparations is that I feel I must make sure I want it, which I cannot really do unless I have an idea what my body then would feel like. I need to visualize what it could be like having a post-op body, from the context of me as a 37-40 year old woman looking and sounding and moving like I do, and this is hard when I don’t let myself dream of a successful outcome because I fear a failed one too much.

So I guess I should be rational. That means ignoring fear as a motivation, not protecting myself from disappointment by hiding longings, and go right ahead in imagining. We’ll see how hard that gets. Also should look into demo options like tucking.

wraith recon

I met someone at the store whom I have been acquainted with for a long time, and who knows me reasonably. It was long since we met. We spoke. I’m not sure if he recognized who I am during this, which would be interesting, it would imply I now look quite different from what I did. I wonder so much how I came across?

Still a long way to go though. I will sculpt myself, I will see what I can do in some regards, and fight as needed to ensure I have the HRT dosages I need. I further must continue voice work. All this still amounts most likely to a future where I might almost pass for cis in some contexts, but with my genitals standing out by contrast. I try to plan and structure so as to make circumstances (internal and external and connection-wise) such that by a time like that, as little as possible then would stand in the way of me fixing this.

Really this is interesting. That drive informs my intent to be more diligent in voice work, and did inform my need to come out properly and fully to family, because I need them not to be surprised or to freak out if I tell them I will have invasive genital surgery for a month in Thailand a couple of years from now. And I need to know at that point that my voice does not immediately get me clocked, because I fear otherwise I might sometimes feel like a parody.

Was not going to write about that now again, but apparently did anyway. Oh, well.

cisterhood

There emerges when I meet girl friends I have not seen in a while an increased feeling of connection. I feel I am received in a homosocial manner. At the same time, I suspect it is not them acting differently so as to be closer to me, but me being able to receive them better because I feel less of differences between us. And perhaps also because there is less background confounding from sexuality happening. Fascinating.

EDIT: This also raises the scary possibility of men being alienated from each other because they combine homophobia with high background confounding from sexuality. That is, pre-HRT AMAB bodies may make sex so much a priority that being too close feels scary unless the other is an allowed sexual object. Which would be messed up, an intersection of messed up biology and culture…

hearing

Somewhat scared. Apparently there is a hearing loss condition (otosclerosis, ossification of the middle ear structures) that may be worsened depending on estrogen levels. One minor thing I had this year was feelings of clogged ears ever so often, for which I had a hearing test. I have no reduced hearing, but it did seem as though I have some sort of middle ear constriction. My father has significant hearing loss, so worry of the morning is that my HRT may be accelerating a hearing loss condition, which would be horrible. Now, I absolutely need hormonal transition, but I also want my hearing to remain good. So need to have this investigated further, and to check it regularly, and to do all I can to prevent it while still getting the treatment I need.

EDIT: Mother believes I do not have father’s otosclerosis, but rather her tendency to constricted ear canals. And it is true, early otosclerosis symptoms are still hearing loss or dizziness, not ears feeling clogged, so even if I were to have some early stage otosclerosis, that would still mean no hearing reduction, and more importantly not be the reason behind my clogged ears. Will still take fluoride preemptively if I find it, and ensure proper hydration…

trifecta

I think I can conclude a few more things on emotions, a few more HRT related things trending now significance. Some were visible today so I noticed.

Four months in, I have mood spells lasting a few hours. Sometimes vulnerable/raw/melancholic/sad, like feeling emotionally bruised, more often being irritable/angry. Perhaps once or twice a month? No pattern to them, and nothing external triggering. I can wake up like this, or it comes slowly online. Like I am on a hair trigger and easily irritated, growling, impatient, angry. I can and do ignore it. But it’s there, rarely, and I think it’s new.

Another set are times when I am just huggy and needy, wanting to be held and comforted, and it feels very much like I need it. I note that while libido is down, there is a strong physical reaction of a different kind sometimes when sensuality rises. I can get weak-kneed from being kissed, which lasts for minutes and makes me more cuddly, but without me really wanting to escalate or even to maintain, just feeling dizzy from the pleasure of the nearness.

Then I think also I end up more tired at night. Some is getting up earlier, some perhaps a changing body needing more sleep, and some may be S no longer holding back, so that she lives more fully without noticing tiredness until it is quite high, or rather, not getting emotionally tired before cognitively or somatically tired.

Thinking these may indeed be filed under mental effects of my HRT. Other things happening, many good. Moving forward.

text

Fun fact. I just was basically unable to edit a text shared to my deadnamed google doc account, because seeing my edits under that name (and knowing others would see me as that person having signed off on them) felt dysphoric. Then my access request under my chosen name went through and I can continue editing. Interesting.