META: These series of posts are collated reposts from a dedicated twitter account: https://twitter.com/kybele_deployed that document, specifically, my experiences from the point of preparing for SRS, then experiences in hospital for said procedure, then the recovery process thereafter, followed by some discoveries in new embodiment and the followup surgery. As such it spans for now the mid-2020 to mid-2021 time frame, overlapping largely with COVID-19 lockdown. The original posts are still up as tweet chains. Their relative order has been preserved, but not their exact time positions. The first operation took place November 10 2020, the second June 21 2021. For purposes of being possible to upload sensibly, the collated accounts have been subdivided thus preserving, again, relative time order but not relative time position, and the time stamp of these blog posts therefore does not correspond to the actual times of the tweets.
This is almost embarrassing to write but last few days, I feel that my libido has slowly began to return, unbidden. This makes sense with increasing mobility and safety in motion, and probably also from my endocrine system rebalancing to the absence of either gonads or suppressors, but it is not very practical. I noticed this largely before sleeping, distracting me from falling asleep easily, but at the same time, trying my best to avoid letting my body respond with arousal. Not that I don’t want to explore that, eventually, but I want to be wholly healed before I do, so I don’t need to worry about hurting any of the surgical work from the changes in blood flow. Even so, just the stirring of arousal brings about a tinge of tender pain, and so I try to step back from it when it happens. I do have a major scientific curiosity here though. It seems to involve some sense of swelling, though no idea how far that can go, and presumably wholly internal and invisible to others. All human genital anatomy involves some erectile tissue, and mine should now have been reduced to within the range of the average woman, though I know some want it reduced further in the second operation. I am beginning to realize that it is correct that being tucked feels similar enough to the post-op state that the comparison indeed is meaningful, though greatly different from not being tucked. With the very crucial difference that I am now able to experience that even naked and regardless of what I am doing. Down the line, when better healed, I am curious to investigate further how far this observation holds, as well as how my endocrine and libido will evolve and interact with my embodiment alone and with others.
Did not make it to pharmacy in time, so could not replenish panthenol salve, and so needed to improvise, and used regular water-based lubricant for dilation. It was a lot easier, though I should get back on the panthenol as soon as I can. Today, no blood in either discharge or on dilator, so I am slowly beginning to dare hope the silver nitrate was effective in treating the granuloma, taking me yet closer to healing fully.
Healing update: since a few days of dilating with water-based lubricant after the silver nitrate treatment, there seems to be no bleeding while dilating, though discharge still has some pink tinges. I interpret this as though the granuloma is healing well and that otherwise healing proceeds. Dilation even with Bones dilator poses no challenges. I suspect I can soon start with the Spock dilator. Feeling better still, though still the slit in the clitoris remains, the urethral area is very red and somewhat swollen, and there is an area inside left introitus that still feels hard, somewhat swollen, and that stings a bit when touched or stretched. I suspect that is a seam still healing, in which case, time should smoothen it out. Getting closer and closer to feeling like my skin is all intact.
Going to have a first look again at my old ERC application in order to rewrite and resubmit it, while, Goddess willing, I try if I can fit the largest dilator (Mr Spock) inside me. I suppose I have found my place in the world now.
Going to write some emails to putative collaborators while finishing up a weird cauliflower pasta dish. But to recap – dilation still without blood, omitting Captain Kirk entirely, starting with the Bones dilator then trying out Mr Spock, keeping him in for most of a Star Trek episode wherein which Klingons and the Federation both arm stone age people and there is a power-hungry herbalist witch who sadly dies and it is all sort of dirty and dated. It was not comfortable, but the other dilators also were not comfortable at first so I think in principle, if proceeding with this, I should expect to be able to saturate the regime. Though I probably should verify with the surgeon it is not too early to use Spock. I will send an email to him too, just to check. Feeling this almost drugged relaxation afterwards, much like with electrolysis, even though this was not painful. I wonder if any physical challenge like this causes endorphin spikes for me, and that they therefore may somehow function as a way for me to condition myself to desire the experiences repeatedly? I suspect this may be part of it, in which case, I am essentially conditioning myself to desire and find euphoric calmness from sufficiently intense penetration, as a side effect of the pure wound aftercare aspect. Which, I suppose, makes for a version of what I claim in jest, though literally played straight, that I train myself to also develop a heterosexual side by spending time watching Mr Spock while keeping a medical dildo inside me. All in all, I will ride this wave of experiences into as much of glorious self-actualization as I can though. All the pieces are connected, and synergize.
Dilated for near an hour at near full depth with Spock. Felt a little bit of weird bruising pain, hoping I do not risk hurting myself. Possibly I should wait until I ask the surgeon about it. But feeling still good that I can (and no blood, so again, probably fine). Putting surgical tape over the phone camera bc Duo cannot turn video off and I am in a phone meeting while also dilating and answering emails. This life is the logical extension of all I have done before and I do feel proud.
Carefully looked closer at myself again after reading on different surgery outcomes. The way my clitoris looks is apparently typical for the surgeon; maximizing reuse of nerve-dense regions (thus keeping sensitivity) by constructing something which is part extended clitoris, part clitoral frenulum (as the skin links directly into the inner labia). It is not perfectly paleo-like, but also not unlike, and as a tradeoff between considerations, I am fine with it. Someone close enough to separate labia and look close (hi!) would notice, but it is not that outlandish in context of paleo anatomical variation TBH. And if anyone is bothered, they don’t deserve to be that close anyway. Apparently the region below (part of vestibule) has a specific name, though contentious, namely periurethral glans, “the triangle-like region between clitoral frenula and vaginal opening, containing the urethra”. This is still swollen, but has gone from red and irritated to mostly the same tone as the clitoris, and the edge between them is less obvious as the healing proceeds. I am after all less than two months into a six month process. But the change is important, making the vestibule feel more like a continuous area. The remaining main swelling is the “bulb” between urethra and vagina, made from urethral tissue, which is a known issue my surgeon often corrects in the second step; there is erectile tissue remaining beyond and it swells easily. It looks a little weird and gets in the way. This, along with the “dog ears” of extra skin in the outer labia and perhaps the as-yet absent posterior commissure/fourchette (inner labia segment below the vaginal opening) are the things I can see myself wanting adjusted in the second step, mainly, if depth is also enough still by then. As regard to that, it dawns to me that the truly rational (Spock: “Simply logical, captain.” *raising eyebrow, tilting head*) thing would be to actually evaluate if it is enough by having a friendly phallus haver enter me under perfectly controlled, safe, expectation-free circumstances at some point before then which is in contrast to my plan to wait until after the second procedure. However, this would be far more an experiment, more Apollonian than Dionysian on the dilation versus intercourse continuum. I should eventually ask around with my phallus haver friends and loved ones. Still, this is months of healing away regardless. Just fascinated by the insight that I actually may need this data to be able to make meaningful decisions in the followup surgery consultation. On that note, I got response from my surgeon on the possibility and safety of trying the Spock dilator. He writes that I can try it. Then, unprompted, he writes I can “also try normal sexual intercourse if I douche immediately afterwards”. Aside from the normativity (which I can take in stride from a German man in his seventies, this tells me both I probably should feel safe in using any kind of lubricant, not just the salves, and that I need not worry more about becoming aroused hurting the healing process, as these both are implicit in what he outlines. No immediate policy consequences of this, aside from that I can be open to whatever I end up feeling like. Still should be gentle with myself, and patient, and no need either to rush anything in this process. I am a forty year old teenage virgin who can take her time and let her heart and loins keep pace with each other however they will. While outside, the world of 2020 is awash with fire and plague and swarms of vermin and bands of fools butting heads and locking horns. And inside, by and large, I am at peace.
Damn it. The markings on the Bones dilator had dislocated and for the last days I dilated to 10cm, not 12cm. Going up again with Kirk gets me to 12 but there is again some granuloma bleeding. Perhaps I am not done with that issue at all yet. 😦
Apparently the condoms wrapping the dilators can distort, hence why the depth marker positions were off. Coming home (while slowly sobering up, and watching the end of TOS S2 and beginning of TOS S3) I kept pushing all three of Kirk, Bones and Spock. Some insights following insofar as, I was indeed not fully at depth before, and I still need to make an effort to get to the 12cm marker, though at least hitting bottom does not hurt, per se. I get there only while continually pushing, and only with middle-sized Bones. I bled a little at first pushing as far with Kirk as I could, granulation most likely. Hoping that will be truly finally resolved soon. And I must remark the dilators in a way the markings cannot be distorted. With enough lubricant, and working up to it, I can reliably get Spock in at least 10cm and it is beginning to feel less like a challenge. I feel by no means certain yet that I will be able to keep this current 12cm depth while healing, but also not without some optimism. Continuing to dilate and to stay at depth then for some time pushing against the surface should do it. I then made some attempts at testing my sensitivity, intending to try my response to pleasurable outside touch, including minor vibration, but did not really get far – overall, I think I feel too roughened up yet and then to really enjoy, but moreover, it is becoming somewhat clear that 1) touch does not really become pleasurable in the absence of genuine arousal and 2) touch itself might not bring about arousal. In fact, arousal may not fully be predictable or easy under circumstances as instrumental as those. I must wait for it to come on its own, at a good time, if I am to be able to test how I can react to it. And I need not be in any hurry there. Of course, part of me want to anxiously find an answer to that most insistent of question, can I still orgasm? But that feeling of anxiety in itself guarantees a certain desperation to the attempt that makes it impossible. I am quite sure I cannot come on demand. Once again, if I can, then it is under circumstances that, as it were must come on their own, not because I just initiate them. Maybe that will change, maybe not – before, I could essentially “come on command” but not in a sense that was truly pleasurable. I will see simply see how this develops eventually. Love to all!
Was varyingly anxious today and I STG the dilation now (no bleeding, reached depth with all three dilators) helped me come down properly from it. It truly can be most meditative, probably for same reason some sports can – one has to relax and get out of one’s head to do it.
Restarted P4, woke after 1h for weird hour long half slumber tracing geography of my birthplace from above. Filled in details on phone. Cannot quite go back to sleep but quite serene. Read some novel then gradually found myself slowly fantasizing about touching and being touched, long, slow process of coming to respond. I don’t get swollen as I had thought, and as before. Rather it is like a shaking, or pulsing, or stirring? The hand does not feel it from outside, but loins do inside. Stealth response. More data collection needed. There is some overlap with the old response but only in the first seconds of each wave? Stirring, not stable swelling. After a while, decided to glove a hand and feel. What surprises most, I seem to lubricate when aroused? And substantially so. Not sure to what extent this is salves from dilation pushed out. But I actually suspect it is somehow fluids of my own, courtesy of the specific surgery I had. We are not supposed to be able to, but this one method has some credible expectation of exudate from upcycled urethral mucosa. As well as what became a Skene’s gland, though not sure how it emerges, nor where my lubrication comes from. After some time, a little bit of a dull, diffuse ache, but not severe, or as I feared. Had never dared touch except surgeon said – unprompted! Ecchi old man! – that I could. As it was, had little of a goal, and unlike before, did not try to touch clitoris so much directly. I think I felt a few stitches there, towards the end. Maybe not all have dissolved. Will look in mirror tomorrow. Touching without real goal, there was strong pleasure from a region I had not expected, just a spot on the inner lips, might have been fleeting, probably dependent on the wetness. Some sense of release, not overwhelming, and I cannot say if it was a climax or not an experience I have heard of from cis woman lovers. Enough for me to whimper and bite my finger, and to leave a calm satisfaction in me after. No sharp drop but a gradual step down. Just some initial minor data collection. But demonstrating several important aspects of my post-operatively sexed body and mind in this sense. I retain libido and sensitivity. My arousal takes time to manifest and seems hard to force or rush. Progesterone may or may not play a part (started today again after being off it for long). I need more data on where being touched actually feels good on each occasion, it is not a priori evident and might even shift. And there are indications I might perhaps be able to lubricate more than I had expected (or dared hope – it matters to me), though need to verify in the absence of confounders like a lubricated/salve-bearing placeholder. And I really need to catch some sleep finally. Maybe it will be easier now. Love to all! ♡
I can’t fully assess it while still using pads continuously, but I am beginning to conclude that my parts now feel a bit moist at all times, comparatively. What is more relevant is that this is not uncomfortable. With my old anatomy, I would spend a lot of time ensuring no liquid remained on the skin at any time, because the resulting sensations would draw my attention there and make me dysphoric. Whereas now, the presence of my genitals in my body sensory map simply feels… safe? Not alarming? They just are there and that is OK. There is slow development going on in the background too. Early after surgery, I still felt the disparate skin regions as being located where they had been when activated (but in stinging pieces!). I think now more and more they have begun to merge into a revised map of the tactile landscape of my vulva and vagina. The spatial locations are correcting, and the contiguous skin regions are beginning to flare better in unison. Still alignment work to be done, but it clearly follows from experiencing body sensations over time.
I keep feeling surprised each time I find myself attracted to men, despite having ostensibly identified as some variety of bi/pan since my early twenties. Possibly because through some combination of uncomfortable reminders of my own dysphoria-inducing body, as well as toxic or at the very least noxious or poor-tasting masculinity, most non-fictional men not being that interesting to me outside of a narrow space of performative romance and sexuality. Then I started responding to male pheromones once on hormone replacement therapy and upon sensing the possibility of partaking in heterosexual hookups as a woman, finding myself recognizing and repeating those scripts, only held back by my body. Now I can be penetrated (I could before, in another way, but never much felt comfortable with that too much feeling like it might hurt for me to relax into it), which makes me conscious that I shall want to experience that, both with men and with those glorious AMAB non-men who are comfortable penetrating. Eventually. At the same time, I expect that being with cis women also will feel different, less carrying the shadow of a heterosexuality where I occupy the wrong position, more a bodily sameness. No idea how much of any of this all is mere validation seeking, or performance that I feel myself beginning to need at this stage. Still, the observation remains – I keep finding myself enjoying the view and sound and motion and poise and scent (rarely all at once) of specific, select men, and find such men in my fantasies, and each time when this happens on its own, not due to any designon my part, I feel surprised by it, still. Probably that too will eventually change into something else. Interesting times.
Amount of discolouration after wearing a pad for a day is now relatively small. I think from tomorrow I might try with pantyliners, with the hope that perhaps these things might not be needed for much longer. Really feeling subtly more healed day by day. ♡
Latest discovery: continuing healing and taking plenty of time allows for a point where light touch with a vibrating device is pleasurable. Surprisingly, this goes even more inside, and not only for sensation in muscle, but also for sensation in skin. Applicable only when in the very right mood, and still not taking me over the threshold, but beginning to feel as though if I could only experience those vibrations both outside and inside at once, and keep the intensity just right, perhaps I might? We will see when I end up testing that further. Also, wearing only pantyliners results now in them very slightly red-stained after a day, as well as crumpled and moist, but not bloody or slimy as before. Discharge seems to be reducing, in other words. However, my panties will always be slightly moist. Not sticky, and virtually odorless, but moist. Unsure if this is exudate, sweat (and I might actually have vaginal sweat given 80% of it is skin rather than urethra) or dilation lubricant slowly being expelled. However, was helped by seeing that apparently many cis women also report the same (and/or worry about it). As noted, my old anatomy appeared drier, in part because I compulsively wiped all folds dry because it would freak me out to have attention drawn there otherwise as temperature and moisture interacted. Whereas now, that attention is at worst neutral, at best positive. It really seems like having this surgery broadly has eliminated bottom dysphoria from my daily life (meaning both it was a salient factor, and that it now no longer is). Love to all! ♡
A little frightened. After several days of no bleeding, now I bled a lot during dilation. More than before. I wonder if I have done damage somehow. Probably it will heal on its own, but my anxious mind paints pictures of somehow tearing through into the intestine or other scary outcomes. Hopefully I just scratched the deep granulation tissue, and there will be less of it when I dilate after sleep. Wondering if I will need more silver nitrate, and if I should contact the gynecologist. Surely this is not an emergency though it is not a situation where failure to act quickly will cause major problems. I can contact the surgeon and check though what he advises, that should calm me.
This is interesting in its own scary weirdness. I am leaking what seems essentially to be water, slowly, wetting the pantyliner so I may need to change it for a pad before going to sleep. The pace for this started just now. I can only parse this as somehow being blood flowing into my vaginal tissues, presumably to carry healing factors in response to damage, but that with skin mostly all intact, I exude clear watery fluid rather than bleed. This would imply both that the damage may now be recent, from during the dilation itself as it increased so, and that healing operation is in place. I will stay with this confidence in mind and go to sleep, as I should have done long ago. The need to space out dilations certainly is not doing wonders for having a good sleep schedule, but I will find ways to get that also under control. Glad for the weekend.
A night of sleep seems to have worked, what seeped out overnight was still red-stained but when flushing out with water before dilating again, it was clear. I avoided pushing all the way in (trying to reach the markings but no further) and as a result, no blood during the afternoon session, and back to only minor wetness and an unstained pantyliner thereafter. I’ll stay careful during next days, though need also to be careful not to get onto some slippery slope where fear has me losing depth over time (“my tastes may be shallow but my vagina should not be!”), which I see as a risk otherwise. Hoping anxiety is over for now, and will be careful with putting in the placeholder also. Continuing to be more tired than usual, which conceivably might have something also to do with the healing.
By contrast I realize how awkward and disgusting it felt to touch my old genitals. Healing goes on, but struck with some anxiety on whether I have orgasmic capacity or not. Watched kettle never boils but it would reassure me if I can reach it at least once on my own. These writings may thus approach even worse TMI than before. Starting to experiment and trying to remember anxiety and urgency is the biggest lust killer there is. I must learn to await or create moods, and have time then, to test this, and to banish single minded goal orientation. Some occasions were found serendipitously with mixed vibes; weirdly, tiny rod and Hitachi both feel good-ish literally anywhere but clitoris. There they are too much: not in sense of pleasure but pressure, feels bruising. Might be my fear it is not fully healed, however, or that it still really is too sore. Remote-effect Hitachi mostly just tickles? Only very light and wet touch there feels good at all. Where I feel the most pleasure, surprisingly, are both sets of labia? And more from strokes so far. That is good but likely not enough on its own. What also feels good, somewhat surprising, are the shallow parts of my vagina? True, some of both skin and urethral mucosa there should be sensitive. And it is true, looking back, surprisingly perhaps also, most of my idle sexual fantasies, since long, either center on other persons or, if centering myself, on being penetrated. The few times pre-op I tried self-stimulation (to see if I still could come), only such fantasies could get me over, though I lacked any way to experience the sensation. So perhaps combining lighter touches to labia with penetration is what I should look into? I did not have so much time this morning, as needed to dilate and get presentable for psychiatry appointment. But nonetheless tried some to add external wet touch with my free hand while holding the dilators in. Dilators are not dildos and it is not supposed to be sexy. Moreover it has been slightly scary so far. Worries I would tear, or could do so if surprise or swelling made me tense up. But it now does not seem so? Dilators go in when I am most tense even. And more importantly, while I swell some on arousal, that has little impact here while muscles instead seem to relax? And the word even is that later on, sex can replace dilation. If concomitant arousal was dangerous, probably it would not be so. So, perhaps this is safe after all and I can try it. Feeling also less fearful over using also silicone lubricant at least outside, or whether I get salve outside either. If anything that should help healing. Gently rubbing the scars. Have yet to try more in-out motion with the dilators, but perhaps this also might end up safe? Their design – firm but yielding, and filling me – seems surprisingly much as would otherwise search for. Might still shop around though, as well as look into really gentle, soft egg vibrators for outside. As well as try out that ultrasound suction toy though I expect it may be too harsh. All for later. No rush. Will find time eventually. Interesting times and interesting complexity!
Awesome response from surgeon: 1) I can phase out the placeholder. YAY! 2) I can start doing running and indoor cycling. I foresee increased well-being soon!
I finished the last episode of Star Trek: The Original Series, making for ~70h of dilation (watching solely while at depth). It has been most illuminating both with regards to this most nerdy setting and medium, my healing body, and my mind. The latter involving absolutely a clarification and elaboration on the androphilic side of my sexuality, as the series offers several pleasant flavors of man-candy; far more lean beefcake than cheesecake, including sophisticated such as Mr Spock raising his eyebrows while remaining always impeccably calm. It has also been near-unbearably cheesy and cringey on many occasions, so shoddily conceptualized. I will persevere through The Animated Series, and thereafter move on to TNG, and I much anticipate two decades of social evolution there. We will see how many years of post-op existence it will take me to saturate the Star Trek canon. The movies, I think, are not suited for dilation accompaniment. But the series certainly are (and form, I think, their own continuity). The time elapsed, on the other hand allowed for two months of recovery, during which I graduated to the largest dilator and apparent cessation of bleeding. Things have gone from open wounds in places to integral skin, with far less fear and far more confidence and a very gradual sense of healing. The final TOS episode S03E24: “Turnabout Intruder” is easily the most trans TOS content there is. Since sexist Starfleet does not allow (explicit or implicit is unclear) woman captains, Kirk’s ex Dr Janice Lester comes to envy and hate him, and to resent her womanhood. She arranges events to use ancient alien technology to switch minds with Kirk, stealing his identity and body while imprisoning him in hers. Conflict and identity theft resolution ensues. What makes this most interesting, aside from readings of both her and Kirk as dysphoric while in her body, is the performance of the actors. Janice-as-Kirk defaults to feminine body language and voice patterns when afraid, and is then treated differently by her co-conspirator and lover. Meanwhile her aggressive and assertive states express as a variant on Kirk’s usually toxic masculinity, but a different one. Janice-as-Kirk does not have the unshakeable calm Kirk-as-Kirk possesses. More interesting still to me is Kirk-as-Janice, once she catches her bearings. Kirk’s usual fuckboy charm becomes polite-smiling girlish guile. She radiates concern and anxiety otherwise unseen, and it is seen responded to with her senior officers flanking and protecting her chivalrously in those moments, something I myself can relate to as a sometimes-fragile trans woman with a kindly crew. When assertive she is very clear and coherent, and it strikes me that the way Kirk-as-Janice is played seems echoed well in Captain Janeway of the Voyager, my long-standing ideal for the kind of leader I wanted to be (which in hindsight should have been another of those things I could have noticed). Speech and mannerism there are extremely interesting (and would have made a far better TOS if always there, so I look much forward to Voyager). I suppose it all goes to show both that while Shatner is an asshole, he has quite wide range as an actor, as do Smith playing Lester. Apparently few share my fondness for this episode, for a variety of reasons, so likely this is a very idiosyncratic trans reading. Be that as it may. I found it a good conclusion to this first stage of my rituals. Onwards!
Today also: first night without placeholder. First day without placeholder. Additionally as experiment, first day without pads or pantyliners. I expect some discharge but will be curious to learn how much or how little. It feels incredibly liberating. Wearing my old panties from first years of transition. Back then, I concluded eventually that the only models really fitting as I was, were high-waist briefs; I found at least some makes that felt both comfortable and reasonably stylish. However, that was from wearing them lower than intended, to give space in bottom and front. Then in 2018 sometime – I think – I started tucking; using a gaffe made of folded pantyhose to keep genitals compressed, with a thong and another piece outside it, wearing thus usually precisely the same each day and handwashing them each night. I tried that on recommendation as it was said it might approximate post-vaginoplasty sensations, and I needed to determine how that would feel like, if it was something I needed. The comparison, honestly, is not entirely wrong, I can say that now in hindsight; there are kinaesthetic overlaps that are important, and those presumably were also the reason that once I started tucking, I continued to do so every day thereafter until a week before surgery, so I would not have to feel the spatial wrongness of what I had. Now, those underwear are no longer needed, and I use the pre-tucking high-waist panties, which then feel somewhat uncomfortable in different ways – too big! The best feeling now comes from the few lower-waist ones I have like boyshorts. While I have some thongs, I don’t feel healed enough quite yet for that. Getting to a point where I should go shop sensible underwear that fits well, though the plague makes it a little harder. I am calmly anticipating learning how more models fit now.
lost in transition 