dirt

More NSFW I guess. I have felt pretty much asexual lately, and I feel it will continue until I have surgery, but there are still times I can be activated and it surprises me what that feeling is like. At this point, finding myself reading a long, rambling story which is basically a superhero/supervillain romance with trans themes, and it gets me… somewhere. The weird part is, I can now be aroused without my genital responding or being much involved? My breathing gets heavier, my tactile sensations shift, everything becomes charged, but it is not centered so clearly genitally?

It is frustrating in a sense, I crave some sort of release, but I have zero wish to involve those parts, no wish to touch like I would have, certainly no wish to orgasm like I used to, short, painful, then an emotional drop and cleanup. I want something else and I don’t know how to get it. I want this whole-body sensation to intensify instead until it overwhelms me? And I don’t know if I can do that myself, I would need some other person to do it to me. And everything stands in the way of that happening.

In some future I will be ready to explore this sensuality or sexuality or whatever it is, won’t have anything that makes me hold back, will finally be desirable that another wants to put in the effort that I also desire in turn. And we will see what I can feel then. For now I will just read supervillain erotica with heavy breath and a sense of being, at least, alive.