raki

A serious problem is getting to be how trans people I follow on twitter shares anti-trans stuff so often, even if only to engage with it. If the moment is wrong, it can mess me up. This moment was wrong, so to clear my head, I will put my thoughts down on post like this.

So, someone made three entangled problematic claims. First, that transition like RPGs is some sort of generalized escape, wanting to be any sufficiently dissiminal not-self rather than to be something specific, not defined by the negative. Second, that transition is a drug-like chase after novelty or identity, to feel some sort of high. And third, that no other group experiences such suffering from being denied identity as trans people do from misgendering, so something must be wrong with us.

For the third, this is not a good comparison – other groups having their identity denied rather usually does not mean such a drastic situation. Usually the whole world and your body does not claim you are not who you think. Exceptions may well exist in case of marginalized/invisibilized identities of different kinds. But more correctly is to compare to stereotype threat – if all the world tells us we are a certain way because we are female, black etc., and those stereotypes are reminded about strongly in an environment where we thought we would not be seen so, that produces a credible threat not to the label but the content of our identities (as belonging to those demographics without embodying the stereotypes). I think this is comparable. I recall also how mindblowingly terrible it was when I considered “genius” part of my identity and I got indications I was not. Plus how the whole crisis of masculinity thing can be seen as a need for white straight cis men to embody what they perceive as positive properties of their demographic. All in all, is sensible in context we are sensitive, others would be from same starting point.

For the second, I worried because of course it has been amazingly invigorating to transition; I can turn to that struggle and those achievements to draw energy, and I crave stories of and kinship with other trans people. There is something performative there. It can feel exhilarating. But it is not wholly performative, and the same goes for so many other human pursuits – careers, parenthood, styles, changes of life path, unity with people one shares experience with. Humans build euphoria around any struggle, and seek challenges so we can overcome them. But that does not mean that those pursuits are not also generally things we want for our own sake, not just as challenges or for novelty; the goals themselves are desired and fought for. I know there is such a dimension of euphoria and sense of meaning and identity there, but there will be one around all sorts of things and pursuits, for everyone. I watched out for this as I started out questioning, spent time trying to rule out I was actually wanting to transition as a means to an end like this, and I really don’t think I was, I feel I would have needed it anyway and the euphoria is rather something I get as a bonus, and as a way to cope with the concomitant challenges. Of course those things – feeling I do something brave which makes me like unto my trans kin – makes me happy and I draw strength from it, and indulges in it, but the fact that I want this particular form of identity, not another, still matters, still is a very honest wish. Even in the absence of all the trans coolness, I would be who I otherwise am.

For the first, I never wanted to be someone other than me in sense of different. I wanted always to be the perfect me – just like me, but without any grounds for resonable doubt on being who I want to be, need to be, as well as to be female. This is escape into something more so than away from something. Statistically compared to my cis RPG people who pleyed characters of their assigned gender more often than not, it was rare I played mine. So saying I just want to be another is not correct.

Thus all in all, while of course identity building and performance are there, I think they always are and that this is not a counterargument. When I watch a while TV show just because a character may be read as trans by fans, that may guide me to it but it is not only a means to an end, rather it is all of these things. I disagree I and my kin are so much more sensitive, in context, and my escapism, to the extent it is there, also holds for things I actively want to be.

And of course, beyond any dysphoria or novelty or wish to feel I am going somewhere (whether or not for something I also intrinsically want), I transitioned to escape dysphoria. So much of what was there is gone now – because I’ve transitioned – that it is only rare threats like this that brings it back. The fact that it can be activated like so reveals it to be something I certainly feel, and transition as something I need in order not to feel it. That this now becomes so important is a clear indicator of how important it is for me not to feel like I somehow am my assigned sex.

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Eyes falling shut from tiredness. Will dump this here for now.