I had not planned to write here, in fact have done so not as much lately, compared to previously and how much shorter stuff goes in my twitter. On a train, desperately needing to work, but such twitter again delivers me TERF content and temporarily I am back done in that paralyzing dark fear where my brain freezes up and nothing has meaning, my old dysphoria. I feel a desperate need to address and counter the positions that scare me because they would make me something I cannot relate to.

Well, I will try to clear out my mind quickly now so I can continue to where I must be.

There was the claim that there are no positions that are not essentialist because every definition must include criteria. But criteria need not be simple and can depend on a definer. There are definitions of sex that are not essentialist, that is, which can involve choice and decision making, those definitions are no less definitions for that.

There was the claim that biology has an easy time defining sex, but here again I disagree, there are many regards in which we talk of someone as sexed, it makes sense to specify which we talk of. The general unspecified term is fully mixed up with the complex social recognition of sex. While one could identify any number of specific and consistent definitions one can make, each will mismatch everyday use for at least some people. They will also cause unhappiness. Thus we do better in shifting that term around, making it reference the construct. And referencing the construct, which is complex, does not mean we cannot make simple definitions for the properties, or that the complex referencing of the construct is not worth it – that a concept requires more complexity, or even that we choose go give it such, does not make it invalid.

There was the claim that it is such a definition of sex, nothing else, that explains oppressions. On one hand clearly false – sexists do not ask for karytoypes. Some probably would if they could, but others would not. Some aspects come from concrete ability to be pregnant, menstruate, not great comparative upper body strength. But much more those things act through their recognition, which can be incorrect and is based on what is seen indirectly, guessed, associated. And ultimately this changes nothing, I need to be a woman, not to embody every oppression women have experienced.

There was the claim that we require a clear sex based definition to fight gendered oppressions. This at least is clearly not the case.

There was additionally claims that modifying language and concepts to allow for transgender recognition would require acknowledging transracial identities, and this could extend further into plural systems, otherkin and so on. And it is true that we can make such definitions. By and large they can become problematic only if demographic is used as a need proxy for distributing limited equalizing resources. But in the transgender situation, such resources generally either are equally needed, or not that scarce. And it can be solved by making more fine-grained need calculations, and we already accept some resources are given to those who individually do not strictly need them. Had there actually been people with similar identity needs as per gender in these other demographics, then the same would apply there, but it is not really the case either. So in theory it could be a reality, but in practice is not, and the posed issue of scarcity can be minimized and does not cost so much that our survival is not worth it.

In the end, we can and need to provide another definition, the way we do. It makes some things more complicated. It harms no liberation efforts. It will reflect how more and more of us see matters.

And ultimately, my own sexing and gendering of myself – my own use of the terms – is what matters, the disagreement of others in terms of language use choice only matters indirectly. It matters because this is how much it matters to me, how messed up I am otherwise. Changing terms and labels and perceptions. Changing bodies too. These are necessary so I can see myself as a person who can be alive. Next to that need, disagreement of others matters less, simplicity of definitions matters not, extent of shared oppressions matters not. It is what I need, so I seek support from it in the actions of the world, which through what they are can make such support real by definition. It harms no struggle. It betrays no principle of needing essences. It does not for its overarching purpose require definitions to be simple.

The fact that I need it this much, and that it does no damage, is good reason to let definition be this complex and to shift definitions of others as we can, but mostly it justifies my own view and definition. I need to make my definition such, and likewise shift my body as much as I can. I would need this even if completely alone in this effort, it would still be necessary for me. And I would still be able to work with that.

A serious problem is getting to be how trans people I follow on twitter shares anti-trans stuff so often, even if only to engage with it. If the moment is wrong, it can mess me up. This moment was wrong, so to clear my head, I will put my thoughts down on post like this.

So, someone made three entangled problematic claims. First, that transition like RPGs is some sort of generalized escape, wanting to be any sufficiently dissiminal not-self rather than to be something specific, not defined by the negative. Second, that transition is a drug-like chase after novelty or identity, to feel some sort of high. And third, that no other group experiences such suffering from being denied identity as trans people do from misgendering, so something must be wrong with us.

For the third, this is not a good comparison – other groups having their identity denied rather usually does not mean such a drastic situation. Usually the whole world and your body does not claim you are not who you think. Exceptions may well exist in case of marginalized/invisibilized identities of different kinds. But more correctly is to compare to stereotype threat – if all the world tells us we are a certain way because we are female, black etc., and those stereotypes are reminded about strongly in an environment where we thought we would not be seen so, that produces a credible threat not to the label but the content of our identities (as belonging to those demographics without embodying the stereotypes). I think this is comparable. I recall also how mindblowingly terrible it was when I considered “genius” part of my identity and I got indications I was not. Plus how the whole crisis of masculinity thing can be seen as a need for white straight cis men to embody what they perceive as positive properties of their demographic. All in all, is sensible in context we are sensitive, others would be from same starting point.

For the second, I worried because of course it has been amazingly invigorating to transition; I can turn to that struggle and those achievements to draw energy, and I crave stories of and kinship with other trans people. There is something performative there. It can feel exhilarating. But it is not wholly performative, and the same goes for so many other human pursuits – careers, parenthood, styles, changes of life path, unity with people one shares experience with. Humans build euphoria around any struggle, and seek challenges so we can overcome them. But that does not mean that those pursuits are not also generally things we want for our own sake, not just as challenges or for novelty; the goals themselves are desired and fought for. I know there is such a dimension of euphoria and sense of meaning and identity there, but there will be one around all sorts of things and pursuits, for everyone. I watched out for this as I started out questioning, spent time trying to rule out I was actually wanting to transition as a means to an end like this, and I really don’t think I was, I feel I would have needed it anyway and the euphoria is rather something I get as a bonus, and as a way to cope with the concomitant challenges. Of course those things – feeling I do something brave which makes me like unto my trans kin – makes me happy and I draw strength from it, and indulges in it, but the fact that I want this particular form of identity, not another, still matters, still is a very honest wish. Even in the absence of all the trans coolness, I would be who I otherwise am.

For the first, I never wanted to be someone other than me in sense of different. I wanted always to be the perfect me – just like me, but without any grounds for resonable doubt on being who I want to be, need to be, as well as to be female. This is escape into something more so than away from something. Statistically compared to my cis RPG people who pleyed characters of their assigned gender more often than not, it was rare I played mine. So saying I just want to be another is not correct.

Thus all in all, while of course identity building and performance are there, I think they always are and that this is not a counterargument. When I watch a while TV show just because a character may be read as trans by fans, that may guide me to it but it is not only a means to an end, rather it is all of these things. I disagree I and my kin are so much more sensitive, in context, and my escapism, to the extent it is there, also holds for things I actively want to be.

And of course, beyond any dysphoria or novelty or wish to feel I am going somewhere (whether or not for something I also intrinsically want), I transitioned to escape dysphoria. So much of what was there is gone now – because I’ve transitioned – that it is only rare threats like this that brings it back. The fact that it can be activated like so reveals it to be something I certainly feel, and transition as something I need in order not to feel it. That this now becomes so important is a clear indicator of how important it is for me not to feel like I somehow am my assigned sex.

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Eyes falling shut from tiredness. Will dump this here for now.