shard haddock

Today is a day of interesting vulnerability. I feel baseline anxiety levels high in that way where I worry unnecessarily about arbitrary things, where everything feels vast and difficult and scary. It’s OK, I know to navigate it. It’s been blogged about before too. I have these days rarely.

I can see three main issues influencing. Three nights with less than six hours of sleep. Near-overwhelmingly much to do in a short time. And going into off-cycle for progesterone since Monday. It has happened in the past I had states like this when going off a high-P cycle.

Four issues but who knows cause and effect, some photo angles combining with my new shorter haircut to make me dysphoric.

Neither blood sugar, caffeine or alcohol (they gave me prosecco at the hair salon) has helped.

Never mind why. It’s here and I will navigate it.

I drink coffee, do my tasks and listen to the Turrican soundtrack.

lead-to-chrome

The day after my surgery consult I am aware that I still don’t have a definite date set. The procedure will be, they send me a cost model, then I either pay them or present them documentation saying my health insurance will. Thereafter I get a date. And after that I may be offered earlier dates if there are cancellations.

This means the first step is to ensure they actually send me that document (if they have not by early next week, I remind them). And then to ensure the solution is ready. I’ll try both paths; continue budgeting as planned, but also request from my health insurance what they require, and try to get my quirky therapist to write out the documentation those in turn require. She seems not optimistic about it but I have to try. And if she is not helpful enough, then I contact my old therapist once she is back from maternity leave and check if she can do it instead.

Then applying (needing to do so in Sumerian, so will need help, waiting waiting waiting, maybe have it rejected). If rejected it either means I need to continue current therapy long enough for it to count (and I don’t like being dependent on this therapist, really), or go back to the private option. Accounting for hospital stay costs, surgery cost estimates, home repairs, that is a semi-guaranteed possibility by end of next year, though may be possible earlier in different setups.

I’ll do all these things and it will work out. That’s fine. The interesting observation of my mindstate is how the uncertainty of not having a date creeps me the fuck out. It’s a dysphoria manifestation, makes me restless, a sense of a threat somewhere that I must be vigilant towards, an obsessive vigilance and defense need. Just like my life was pre-transition. This is very very useful to see.

The uncertainty itself, the projected expectation that I will have to spend time waiting without knowing when the wait will be over, that is scary. And highlights how my genital dysphoria is channeled. I can even receive some stimulation these days (not too far back, someone was able to make me come by licking me, after giving me enough attention that I didn’t care what anyone touched or saw, just about what I received – first time in a long while I climaxed, and first time in a long time I felt secure enough afterwards to just sink into fuzzy wordless sleepy happiness, fluids probably went in their mouth so did not cause me further dysphoria – they said I tasted like a cis girl squirting, which I was glad to hear – ah, NSFW interjection in parenthesis aside…).

But my sense of peace is predicated on knowing that I’ll soon be changed, knowing that this state is temporary, set to be resolved. Much like my old dysphoria over social gender relieved a little by convincing myself the world would soon change, must change. The mere fact of my anatomy is what bothers me, is intolerable, and until it has been corrected, the best I can do is to ensure I feel as secure as possible on the timeline of that correction.

That is also what had me before; when I freaked out over the Suporn scheduling system. When I delayed all other things for several days of frantic programming just to write a sniper bot to make the scheduling for me (see: https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/25/ninshubur-and-the-hidden-moon/ ; https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/28/the-battle-belongs-to-the-strong/ ; https://lost-in-transition.music.blog/2019/03/28/the-battle-belongs-to-the-strong/ for that saga). I couldn’t focus on anything else until I knew I did all I could. It’s similar now. A deep restless anxiety. And I even worry it will reduce my efficiency, keep me from working well.

What soothes me, beyond doing all I can when I can? Actually, walking through the streets of morning Zurich (pretty ugly city really), I started up synthwave I’d been sent, and somehow its minimalism (much more minimal, more elevator muzak like, than my usual empowerment music) seems to be particularly effective on background anxiety. Is this its appeal? That is, where more energetic-upbeat or dramatic material helps one push through apathy, this can help one (me) endure some baseline low-level discomfort that I currently cannot otherwise resolve. It’s inobtrusive enough to let my thoughts go anywhere else, for doing anything else, at the same time, but keeps the scared hypervigilant dysphoric beast somewhat focused. I am thankful for it.

pneuma relish

I went to the Mesopotamian clinic and spoke of sacred mé with Dr Enki. His English was middling, but we did spend more than an hour, he wanted very much to explain the history of his method, and was interested in my microbiome research perspective. Of course it was a sales pitch, but together with what I already know, I really do think this is the surgery I should have, for a few reasons.

First, he confirmed what I expected, namely that Thai-style scrotal graft meshworks involve a need to grow new epithelium. This matches very well with the granulation tissues, scar ring contraction, and so forth. The Mesopotamian combined method instead uses urethral, penile and full-thickness scrotal skin to reduce the extent to which the graft/flap combination is stretched. I can very well see this in line with avoiding the hard part of Thai recovery.

Second, dilators are flexible, with a soft tiny placeholder there in between them. I can likewise see how this makes for easier dilations.

Third, the use of urethral tissue really is interesting – it avoids a scar just around the urethral opening when done this way, and may even provide lubrication.

Fourth, he actually showed me statistics of complications and clarified they even work with a Babylon gynaecologist in case they happen.

So this is, in principle, the surgery I should have. To schedule a date they need either proof of insurance coverage or a payment plan. Costs may exceed what I thought, because it’s probably another 10K for the hospital stay itself. So the battle rages on. They’ll send me details of this, and I will try my damnedest to actually get insurance to cover it; otherwise that’s another major cost factor. Which I can deal with probably over the course of the waiting period, if I forgo rebuilding an emergency buffer.

So going now seriously to aim for insurance coverage. And probably looking at a date next fall or so. Nurturing a hope that by that time, circumstances may be right for loved ones to come stay with me and assist me. I believe it will be so.

This does break my fervent desire for SRS recovery done by age 40. But… getting it done safely and well, and without too difficult recovery, may really be more important. I feel I can be (a) patient here.

fresh hells

Some nasty surprises re: the offer the company gives me for home refurbishment. If they charge that much, they break my time frame for when I can have SRS with Mesopotamia, assuming I still have to pay out of pocket.

But I also recognize more and more how there seems to be way too many Suporn girls needing hours and hours of dilation six months or more in. That is not an option. I must go to Mesopotamia. Next week I have a consultation with them.

So the as-yet uncertainty on the financing has me feeling very visceral terror again. I must work out a solution. Most elegant would be if I can somehow get my health insurance to pay for it. Not having to pay 30K out of pocket would be useful. It may still mean it takes longer and at this point I really. Don’t. Want. To. Wait.

I hate these misshapen parts and want them gone, need to know they will be as soon as possible. I just have to be smart about it.

I’ll find a solution. It’s what I do.

return parkognition

A while ago the concept of Russia as modern-day cyberpunk was noted to me and since then I’ve craved to reread that literary literal description of it as such, “Pattern Recognition” by William Gibson. I did so now, just started. Last and only time I read it before was in the mid-2000s. Still it stayed with me in ways I am only now openly recognizing.

Gibson’s style is per definition pretentious as ass-all fuck, to be vulgar, and that neither helps nor harms I think. I actively (consciously) visualize all that is described. And I recognize what it is and why it affected me. The novel paints the contemporary world as interesting and complex and adventurous (cyberpunk tone for mundane tech), and the characters live lives I found extremely cool, exploring vast ranges of every level of human society, touching all strata. More to the point it is POV of a very calm, very nerdy woman entirely free from all aggression, apologetically being herself. It is the same as in “Howl’s Moving Castle” – I found descriptions of a female subjectivity in both heroines that I could fully embody while reading.

And reading it back then felt like such a guilty pleasure, wanting to be real, subjective, alive, feeling, enough in myself even while hurt and empty and sad, like these girls. Being a girl. The wish felt illegitimate, why would I get to care about that, wasn’t that fetishizing? Why would it matter? The characters could easily be genderswapped too without changing the story much, their femininity is not stereotypical, they are clearly women and that does not constrict so much who they otherwise are. Why would this be so extremely peaceful and pleasant for me to immerse in? Well, I know now. Other trans girls did crossdressing, I read books with female POVs I could identify with and never forgot them.

Continuing the read will be interesting – as will the two sequels I never read nor even knew were there. Because now my life has changed, my world has changed. By effort, and planning, and fifteen years and expatriation and transition and a quest for the most pretentious reality I could find, my everyday life has grown closer to what is there, even as the books themselves aged. It feels in a way like coming full circle, coming home, realizing how much I wanted and how much of what I wanted I have now done, and how much more I plan to do. There’s no disappointment so far, only pleasure.

dictum dactylo

Have not shaved face for two weeks and still barely any strands. I’m at the last leg now to finish that step. Will see how much is there before electrolysis on the 16th!

But more interesting, even though voice work seems daunting and I fear I have made no progress, I find now that if I try to drop my voice like I would in the past e.g. to do a Nameless One impression or to sing base, it really feels straining and weird and I can’t do it much. So whether I have risen or not, something has happened during this period when I’ve not done formal voicework but just… lived and acted. This makes me hope. My baseline voice may not be what it was two years ago even pitch wise. This makes me happy.

Also emotions are wonderful and something is happening which I did not at all expect. Nothing is certain but wishes emerge inside me and if the world and the other will let me, I think I want to make them reality. We evolve. We become real. We are alive.