mount point

Things are heavy but what else is new?

Arriving at the conference hotel I’d felt good about my presentation all day, though I was tired and irritable. The receptionist greeted me with a “Hello… (pause) … sir.”. I mumbled by “It’s madam, actually”, don’t think I got a response. I smiled emptily and checked in and went to my room, then had waves and waves of body loathing staring at my face wondering what was wrong, writing despairing messages to loved ones, tweeting, and leaving an unsatisfied review. Cried and worked and delayed rest feeling shocked.

They tried to knock on my door, or phone me, later. Then left a letter of apology in my room with some chocolates. Fairly patronizing letter not getting the point, and sweet milk chocolate is not quite what I want most to be tempted by as a vegan on a diet. Never mind that though. I suppose I shall have to talk to them and try to explain at least a little. I am not offended or angry, I believe in no malice here. I’m just hurt, as a consequence of honest misgendering, for what it implies about my misshapen carcass body and disgusting voice. They weren’t offensive, they were careless, and I was hurt. So would they be if they were in trans modality. It will be less work emotionally to try to tell them so I can do my political duty, then I’ll just leave that chocolate behind. I have a surgery to starve for.

Understanding now better how oppressed groups experience pressure to perform emotional labour to soothe the guilt of those who hurt us.

*

So on that surgery, I keep moving and preparing but I feel messed up because everything happens at once and I’ve had no time to let anything sink in. I have to, so I can process. I have to let myself rest so I can do that.

It was shocking to read those worst-case scenarios but I am beginning to reach an equilibrium again, perhaps.

Someone described her Chonburi organ (the sensate area inside the vestibule left from the glans) as looking “like a penis stuck in there, scaring away any cis lesbians”. One photo I saw looked weird but others do not, and really this is a selling point of the method, it lets material be maximally reused. I can think of it as the hidden part of the cis female clitoris. I think any technique not retaining nerves would scare me more than this does. And if it looked that bad, then the Suporn clinic would not be so renowned.

On the other end, someone described her clitoris as being not very sensitive at all. Ultimately, this I know is a risk. But it must depend on individual factors. I can’t see any way in which any other surgeon could do this better, or more consistently.

So scratch those two worries.

One said she hurt whenever she grew aroused. This would be swelling somehow. She noted that some other women who had been growers rather than showers before had similar issues. This is again something hard to address. It can’t be that common, and while it probably depends on how much erectile tissue is removed/retained, that also is not something that speaks against the Suporn clinic. Chettawut is said to remove more, but I won’t go to him because of how he drops you if you have complications. Mesopotamia are said to retain material causing the “bulbus”. So here, I don’t really feel it keeps me back. It may end up being an issue, but I can’t reduce the risk and I’m hoping I would be able to deal with it if it goes poorly. Honestly the description sounded much like vestibulitis, hurting while swelling, so it may be an infection or skin thing also. Can I prevent it? Not really. The risk is there with the surgeons I consider.

Major worry is the issue with dilation. Scar contraction, granulation tissue, so that getting to depth is painful and takes long. Some needing much time even years post-op. That is one of the greatest fears, that I will find that down the line I still spend lots of painful and boring time dilating, so much that it detracts from my work or relationships, not just during recovery but thereafter.

This fear is real, it happens to people. I know that it can happen. If it does, I can wait and see, but not too long. I’d have to seek help, removing scar or granulation tissues. For that I’d need to go back to Thailand, or void my warranty and have another work on me. It might not work. There exists a worst-case scenario where I’d have to let it grow closed and be no-depth, if I heal bad and have no life. I’d mourn it like the lost uterus or XX karyotype or girlhood. I don’t want that. But surely it can’t be more than a fraction where it goes so bad?

It can still happen. I’d have to set a time limit after which I am not OK with trying more. And I wonder if the Mesopotamian “combined method” which uses partial inversion heals easier? Then again, that uses urethra inside, there will still be stitches to stretch. I don’t think I’m so afraid I’d refrain from the Suporn method because of this.

So I just have to be aware of my fallbacks. In the worst case, after years of trying, let my vagina close up. Or go back to Thailand or get Mesopotamia or another to help remove scars. But mostly, try my very best to avoid it, make the chance low.

That’s probably the greatest worry. The fistula worry is grand and terrible, but if I stay two months in Thailand then surely it would show up if it was the case? Though I might not know. But if it does happen, I would go back to Thailand – I must budget for that. It will still be cheaper than Mesopotamia privately. It also happened more than they said – maybe even no less often than in my native country. But I somehow trust that it can be fixed if it does, just like when giving birth. The worry of not detecting it early enough; not sure how scary that is. Significantly but I don’t have the energy for that fear? Fear that it will happen if I dilate carelessly, in the pushing-through stage. That is a worry. And a reason not to be made too deep. And to be careful dilating. So mostly it speaks to the above concern on dilation becoming a big issue.

What else? Someone experienced granulation issue so bad it needed revision. Some had wound separation. These… I think I can get through these.

Someone had urinary incontinence which is extremely scary, as is having to wear pads from incomplete healing for very long. The latter goes back to the dilation/healing part. But the former, if that is lasting somehow, would need treatment. But that sort of treatment I think it is known how it is carried out.

So how do I actually feel? Afraid I won’t be thin and healthy enough by December but I can deal with that. Super scared for the poor healing outcome, more than from graft rejection, more than from the fistula or incontinence, because those latter all are so relatively unlikely, and likely to be already discovered in Thailand and dealt with. Scared of chronic pain and sensitivity loss but don’t see any other surgeon being less risky there.

So it comes down to healing/dilation difficulty vs non-inversion method in the first place. I am guaranteed to regret an inversion vagina, whereas I will only regret a lost vagina in the unlikely case of persistent bad healing. So that does not hold me back.

Then that leaves me with the fear of how to go about it if I need help. Some hours by train away, or a long and expensive flight away.

That in turn balanced against cost and how long it will take to wait, or more to the point, how long until details are certain.

I seem to calm down. It’s like when I was talking with several loanbrokers, or several employers. Feeling bad over that. And it was scary to decide on a loan and apartment.

I may end up just having the surgery with Bank. We’ll see. The need is to know what to do when anything goes wrong. I probably will do as I planned and continue to prepare for.

*

There was a reception and I drank lots of wine. Then I spoke to the hotel representative. It was OK. Maybe they don’t understand but maybe the understand a little better now. I hope. They may do better with the next guest. I’ll eat their chocolate and drink their complementary drink, and I’ll be fine.

And the next hotel where I am misgendered I will do the same, and so on, until I no longer am.