I really am numb right now. I don’t feel much of anything. Everything has similar pale-green, pale-grey colours. I still have directions, objectives. I still act, even quite targetedly, calculatedly. I just don’t feel much, so things that would be fear or panic triggers right now have very little impact. It caused someone to call me unempathetic just now, and it’s not wrong in this state – I just parse things in pieces, look for something actionable, and feel nothing.
I am sure it won’t last. I was in it a little before, but got better. I don’t prefer this state but I am there and it probably won’t go away super quickly either. On meta levels I find it an interesting observation. I think perhaps this is a new defense mechanism, or a reuse of an old one. If my potential for hurt and emotion grew, then it stands to reason also that the set of coping strategies would evolve. I’ve gotten into new intensities of emotion lately, and after several days of panic and disappointment and foundations shaking a little, I must have found this strategy. I’m sure I had it before sometimes.
But it doesn’t feel like grief or sorrow or a dissociated machine. It feels like being something else. Is this the void?
lost in transition 