As I transitioned and dislike myself less, I simply don’t rush like I use to, and I spend more time preparing in the morning. This means I’ve began to be late for things and I am not entirely happy with that.
This morning I was just in time for the train. I was sure I would miss it, since the notoriously aggressive, rude and intrusive Babylon traffic inspectors held me up just at the main station. Their poorly coded ticket app froze and would not show my monthly ticket at first and they refused to let me leave for my train. Eventually that resolved and I only just made it.
Fear like that, even self-inflicted by not being properly ahead of schedule, made me almost insanely angry and I was screaming at them how useless I considered them, such a waste of space and time and human tissue, no meaningful contribution to the world in any regard but to try to enforce petty rules to the letter ignoring the spirit, focus on procedure over actual legality, how they compensated for their petty banality by this.
Well, actually less articulate shameful elitism and more just screaming profanity.
That makes me feel ashamed on several levels, for being myopic and unkind and unfair, for giving in to anger and fear which I do not want to ever, for being a poor LGBT role model and ambassador in the world of the cishet muggles, and for the way my voice drops when I am angry and shout.
It leaves me shameful and sad and dysphoric and I suppose that is deserved.
I hate these moments. Survival as a trans person while retaining dignity, then, means becoming extra careful, planning more, ensuring I never need to lose my cool because I always will stay in control.
lost in transition 