sens7

Huh. So apparently I have a libido, and aside from it having me fantasize about specific people I feel for, especially triggered by memories of scent, then I also fantasize idly about experiencing a lot of non-penetrative, non-damaging pain – being bitten, being spanked. I have to know it will go far enough that I can’t take it (rather have to take it) and still not leave lasting damage. Damn it. I want that now, eagerly.

conclude

Got to point where I go all Weatherwax and decide. No time to wait around for Godot and perfection. So the way it seems is, fistula is my only remaining worry over SRS, and I am fine with it happening so long as it is fixed. From what I can tell, only one surgeon offer free revisions in any form, namely the Suporn clinic. I could go to Chettawut with probably the same low risks and good expected results, but in the unlikely case of revision I’d need to pay for it, and I don’t have that buffer now. So better to pay 50% extra to start, go with the very most renowned surgeon (or rather his successor), and feel more secure it will work out even in the worst case.

(It would feel extremely awful to have to ask my family for financial support because my SRS went wrong. I need for them to know this is the right thing to do, from start to end.)

So looking into that now. Documentation will not be an issue, my therapist can provide it and they likely would accept my letters for Chettawut too. Dates are unclear, this will possibly delay my plans but the “must be healed by 40” fervor is less important than doing it right. Still want to if I can. Shouldn’t be much further ahead anyway. Waiting for responses.

Cost is a little challenging. I have the means but I also just learned I will have unavoidable home renovation costs in the next months, which I don’t know yet how large they will get. So I’m looking at needing to keep some check on my expenses during the year, until I reach a point where again I am comfortable having a buffer. I don’t like that sort of uncertainty but working with uncertainty is what I must do now.

Also my water pipes apparently ARE lead. They will be replaced, this is part of that unavoidable home renovation cost. I wonder if I have damaged myself during this past year by drinking so much water at home? Hopefully I’ll recover. Seem to still be able to function, at least.

moto action

Things stress me and I have a migraine. But at least going through those days, I notice that when sitting, moving, being, in physical motion one way or another, I am feeling relaxed in my body. I know what it looks like, I know it looks quite good, and even if I’m no bombshell I do look female most of the time. My bust and skin in particular remind of this. It’s maybe not quite euphoria, just… relaxation. I’m here and it’s OK that I am here. It’s working.

plaster

So the mental processing continues with regards to SRS.

I think now I’m quite OK with the thought of a relatively low risk of loss of sensation, and a relatively low risk of persistent pain. And I’m OK with the mad spiral of pain and fear and challenge which will be recovery. And I consider risk of death a non-issue.

Remaining then is the fear of being handicapped through fistula, specifically having to have colostomy. Suporn says his frequency has been 0.1% and that they fixed it both times. Swedish study showed 1% risk. Chettawut didn’t say how often it had happened, but guessing it will be intermediate. He did say that risk depended on care taken while dilating and depth, and that they had fixed with with colovaginoplasty when it had happened.

This still is my main fear. I have to face a 0.1%-1% risk of having to have a second severe surgery with even more complicated recovery, or even its failure and having to nurse a very shame-loaded handicap. This feels like the main obstacle still in the way.

Going by projection, I’m going to conclude I’ll go through with this anyway and then I’m going to do it. Just need to digest.

uncomfortably numb

I really am numb right now. I don’t feel much of anything. Everything has similar pale-green, pale-grey colours. I still have directions, objectives. I still act, even quite targetedly, calculatedly. I just don’t feel much, so things that would be fear or panic triggers right now have very little impact. It caused someone to call me unempathetic just now, and it’s not wrong in this state – I just parse things in pieces, look for something actionable, and feel nothing.

I am sure it won’t last. I was in it a little before, but got better. I don’t prefer this state but I am there and it probably won’t go away super quickly either. On meta levels I find it an interesting observation. I think perhaps this is a new defense mechanism, or a reuse of an old one. If my potential for hurt and emotion grew, then it stands to reason also that the set of coping strategies would evolve. I’ve gotten into new intensities of emotion lately, and after several days of panic and disappointment and foundations shaking a little, I must have found this strategy. I’m sure I had it before sometimes.

But it doesn’t feel like grief or sorrow or a dissociated machine. It feels like being something else. Is this the void?

nadir

No-one owes me anything, so if I want something, I must find people who want to give it to me. I shouldn’t hold back, shouldn’t wait, shouldn’t restrict. Need to make myself visible, need to try all my chances. What one person cannot give me, perhaps another can.

Tonight brought several interesting, independent sources of emotion. It was useful.

It will all go somewhere.

lead

OK, today is a day like I had at some points before. Everything feels really difficult and heavy and I am tired. For whatever reason this is, I need to scale down to do only the absolute minimum and relax all other requirements on myself. Check.

snow moon

Increasing my progesterone dosage to higher than before now. We’ll see how it feels. My dreams were a little vivid, my waking tired, and my day so far a little anxious. I’ll try to focus, basically. A lot at once. I should have more coffee, and dutifully do my programming.

glow moon

I am feeling desires welling up intermittently but abidingly. Like springtime feelings except they are more person-specifically targeted than those used to be. Memory of touch and scent and rapport plays a large role and it spins off into very corporeal fantasy. It’s to an extent that is almost distracting. I have a libido, apparently.

cwenwulf

Already two years ago I started that playlist, all of it wolf-themed woman electronica. Added the new songs as I remember it exists. Will listen to it during the evening. I feel sense and inhibition both nudge but never mind that. I am alive and I howl at the moon.

Spoke about it all again. What I want:

– Being sexual without the limits of my body. This I probably but not with certainty will get.

– Being not triggered by myself. This I will get.

What I fear:

– Time for work lost in dilation (heh) and pain. This is guaranteed.

– Death or fistula or necrosis. Sufficiently unlikely with Chettawut.

– Loss of sensation and orgasmicity. This is unlikely but cannot be excluded.

What I feel:

– The situation will not change, this here is my one and only life. I have all data I need.

– I am waiting for someone to tell me I get to have SRS, just as with transition itself. I should not.

What I should do:

– Schedule the surgery before this month is over, then see how I feel over that. If I can, I want it just before xmas.

– Then later do the scary thing and let mother know. Wait, is that the scary thing? Seriously?